Still love her after so long and so much pain

[nickals]

Okay This could be a long story. so anyone that reads it thank you.

 

I started dating this girl in 2000. Fell in love with her at first sight. I was 19 she was 20. she was breaking up in relationship and my 1st love had just wanted to come back. So I was stuck I was with this girl I fell in love with at first sight who broke off her engagement ( that I did not know about) and my high school sweet heart wanted to get back with me. So I dated both for 8 month. my high school sweetie was in a different state so I did not see her as much. Eventually I chose LOVE at 1st sight, because I loved her. So in 2001 we broke up because I had been talking to my high school sweetie when me and her would fight. Anyway after a month of me just going out and drinking everyday we got back together (1st sight and I).

 

So we happy together then on new years of 2001 we got pissed off at each other and I left the party we were at. So basically I stop wanting to go out with to the clubs ( it was something we always did). One day I did something really stupid and we got in a fight. A day later we got into another big fight that was also my fault, but she did it in front of a family party. That really pissed me off for a month. Then one day we had plans, but she had a big test and was drained after it. Me being stupid pushed the issue.

 

Okay this is where something weird happened. The plans were to go to a baseball game. So I went w/ my best friend and we got drunk. She went to the club. Now I got all dressed to go to suprise her, but my friend past out and I could not leave him at my house because his live in girl whould have been pissed. SO I sat the think about how much I really loved the girl and wanted to marry her. Anyway that same night she met another man.

The next day I had to go to a friend's bachelor party and she did not want me to go at all. so she went out with this guy. A week later we broke up. This is june of 2002.

 

I did stupid things to try to win her back immediately. I realized I was so caught up in myself duriing our relationship that I have tried to correct that flaw. She broke up with the guy from the club a few months later and we would talk for a few days and then she would say she could not do it anymore. I would feel so weak that when I was around her I would just kiss up to her. We probable talked every month or so at least once until now.

 

She has been totally cruel to me since we have broken up. ON my birthday we went out, but before we went out she went out with another guy (her ex after me). Then on new year's of 2003 she called me all night and then went to his house. She has told me about everyone she has been with since we broke up. She said she was pregnant when we broke up and then told me she lied. the last time I say her she called me and asked me to a movie only to tell me she had broken up with her boyfriend early in the day(this was in the beginning of april).

 

I still love her and think about her everyday thinking she will call. Before I was the one that called her. I can control that now, but not the thoughts of her.

She is not the same. She was insecure, beautiful and intelligent.she use to start fight with me over anything. women on t.v. or me being sarcastic. some where my fault. Now she reminds me of me when we were dating. She is really into herself. She says I lowered her self-esteem because she thought I was beautiful and smart than her (she has a master in neuroliogy).

 

I am good looking and did not date for 6 month after we broke up. then I started dating and the women I did like I became to clingy. Now I have not dated for a 8 months. Part of it is I hated my job which in turn lowered my confidence also I go out as much because I am broke and the place I do go I don't see women my type.

 

Is the any hope for me. I don't know if it is because I am lonely or if I still love her. I looked at picture and recent found (by mistake) letters she wrote. I don't know what to do. it has been two years and I still miss her. I have not felt like myself since she left. and when I have been with her my stomach literally knots up and I act timid.

Can anyone that read all this please help

[Cricket96]

I think you were both being immature. I think you have to start dusting yourself off and get back up. You need to love yourself first. I'm working on that aspect too. Don't think about finding people date. Think about how you can improve yourself, so you can start feeling secure and confident about yourself. Do some volunteer work or something to build self-esteem.

 

I'm not sure if you're attached to her or what. I think it's because you idolize her intelligence. You don't think you can find anyone else as smart. Remember "love w/o reason lasts the longest."

 

I dunno what I'm saying. Sorry I can't be of much help. Just don't think about women for now. Work on yourself first.