CompleteFailure Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 I don't understand what my problem is. I see her making an effort to make things cool with us but knowing I can't have her drives me nuts. I know she chose this other guy, I know she is choosing him. She tells me there is no chance for us, ever. That there is a space in her heart for me but we can't be intimate and I still sit there and whine and cry and plead. I fought with her over the weekend and she said all this hurtful, truthful stuff just to piss me off or make me more depressed. In my head I was thinking I'm so over this, I'm leaving as soon as you go to take your shower. Than she starts trying to talk to me all sweet(such bullsh.t) its just so she can get control back in our conversation. Once she has that suddenly she just leaves the room and I can no longer build up the courage to leave. I start doubting myself and making excuses and telling myself how terrible I am. She apologized earlier I didn't let it go, she invited me to do something with her, I accepted but started up drama from earlier. I end up crawling back to her again until I get the control back but I STILL end up staying. I left a letter for her today and thought to myself if she doesn't contact me tonight this is it, DAY1 of NC for real this time. When I don't hear from her though, I start panicking. Like, am I really ready to do this? That letter is pretty final, I only have 10 minutes before she makes it home and reads it. I start to doubt what I've been telling myself all day and half hour after she normally calls me, I CAVE and end up calling her. I find out shes out with the other guy and she'll call me after. I just sit there like oh..okay.. I'll talk to you later than. Why do I keep making the same mistakes even though I've been told repeatedly that its over. Why can't I accept this fact and why do I continue to cling to that 0.0000000000001% of the chance that her relationship will fail and she'll come back. Why would I even want that? Why would she even want me after all this? FFS someone please give me a verbal beating. Link to post Share on other sites
JD1977 Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 What the end game here? Even if she does, at some point, want you back, do you really want her back?? You guys seem to be like fire and gasoline. You need to decide that you deserve better, someone who treats you with respect. Someone who doesn't play games. You definitely need NC!!! Or you will just continue in this volatile cycle! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CompleteFailure Posted April 16, 2013 Author Share Posted April 16, 2013 The end game for me is to marry her, have kids, be financially stable, happy and in love with each other and our lives. I would want her back if she chose to fight for me, that doesn't seem like the case. I probably would even take her back after that since I blame myself for 95% of the breakup. The fire and gasoline is spot on. Lately we just continue to try and one up each other. Sometimes I really feel her hate. She says I'm the only one she acts/treats this way. I think she's been on the losing end for so long that now that she has someone else she just flaunts it in my face and takes power/control. It wasn't always like this though. Somewhere our ego's just kept getting in the way. Mostly it was my fault. I don't think she is a bad person. I hate what she's done and that she won't stop. Though, she's stuck by me for so long and put up with so much. Only recently when she announced a break did I realize how bad I've become. She blames the way she is on me and all the stuff I've done/put her through. I don't blame her for thinking that way. Link to post Share on other sites
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