Cheated on and yet I feel guilty

[Cogee]

I know that she was emotionally cheating on me and lying in the last 3 months prior to break up, but today I found out some more truth and for some reason it really hurts. It's likely there was physical cheating that happened at this time though it's not totally certain (and frankly I don't care).

 

I have long suspected that something was a catalyst for our relationship to end on New Year's because right after New Year's is when everything seemed to go down hill fast. I never had the proof, I thought I'd never have it, and just figured that I'd move on in my life never knowing what truly happened.

 

But today I found out that she was with this man the days before and just after New Year's. It completely makes sense now and I feel a ton of anger for what she did. She lied to me so many times, and cheated with this man. She came back from this New Year's trip and distanced herself from me, and said many hurtful things to me.

 

But even knowing all of this, I feel so guilty. We were a long distance relationship and things were GREAT from the moment we started to about October (10 months) when I got supremely busy with school and couldn't see her as much. It's around this time that this man entered the picture and now I feel so bad about not spending more time with her. If I could go back and do it over I'd risk driving in dangerous conditions, and force myself to make more time for her.

 

I just feel so sad suddenly as if I was the one that let this happen. If I were there she wouldn't have cheated, and we would be a happy couple to this day. But then, I know that it's a two way street and she didn't make nearly the same effort to come see me. I guess I am just so sad and full of guilt because in hindsight I could have done more and now I have to deal with one of the most painful of things - being left for someone else, and knowing that she cheated while with me. How do I cope with these mixed feelings?