"Re-fortifying"

[Inflikted]

I’ve always been the “hopeless romantic” type of guy, and through my teens, one of my main goals in life was always to fall in love and have that special somebody to spend my life with. Around the time I was 19, though, I came to the realization that that wasn’t something I could actually attain, and over the last 4-5 years, I forced myself to accept that very painful reality, that there is no “special someone” out there for me to spend my life with. It was rough, and it was very taxing mentally and emotionally, but I got to a place where I finally came to accept it.

 

Now, I’ve heard it so many times, that 23 (well, almost 24) is “too young to give up”, but you have to take into consideration that I’m… not normal. I don’t develop an attraction to girls the way a normal person does. I don’t see a pretty girl in passing and want to date her. I need to develop a connection and a rapport with someone before I realize I want to date them. And I almost never find that.

 

In fact, over the last eight or so years, I’ve met and known plenty of girls, and only two have really won my attention (and of them, only one was for the “right reasons”). The first girl was just before I came to that realization at around 19, but looking back, I didn’t fall for her, I had just come up with this fantasy girl and applied it to her even though she didn’t fit that mold at all. We never dated. The second girl was more recent (within the last few months). I knew her for a while, and over the summer, it just “clicked” for me. There hasn’t been a girl I’ve liked so much for who she is, that I also get along with so well and have so much in common with. But, I asked her out, and got turned down. Still know her, see her, and talk to/ joke around with her a lot, which makes things kinda hard for me, but I’ve made peace with the way things are between us, and I’m trying to enjoy the little time I have left with her before she exits my life completely (which I’m also kinda dreading, because I hate the idea of losing the one person I’ve connected so well with in such a long time, but I guess it is what it is).

 

Honestly, I’m a little mad at myself for throwing away all the “work” I did convincing myself that I’m going to be perpetually single and alone, all just to pursue some girl a few months ago that wouldn’t end up feeling the same way for me.

 

So, now I find myself trying to “re-fortify”, and get myself back to the way I was before. Truth is, I don’t believe there’s a girl out there that will be good for me, that I’ll be attracted to, that will also be attracted to me. There may be plenty of girls that meet one, *maybe* two of those standards, but I don’t believe there’s one out there that will ever meet all three.

 

But it’s just so hard to force myself to accept that stuff all over again. It was so painful, in the first place, but somewhere along the lines, I was able to numb myself to that pain. But ever since I “reopened that box”, the severe pain has returned when I try to force myself back to the way I was.

 

I just don’t even know how to handle it. How do I bury it all deep down all over again? How do I come to terms with my future again?

[Exit]

I can relate to some of what you said, at least the first paragraph. I've gone down the same road in my life, a hopeless romantic, all throughout my teens and early twenties all I wanted was to find the right girl and be one of those people who gets married young and then live our lives together. And like you, after realizing it wasn't happening despite all my efforts, I've had to accept some tough lessons about love.

 

But I've stopped somewhere short of where you're at. I have given up for the time being, I'm not actively looking, and I'm trying not to make finding a partner my number one priority in life, but I don't go so far as to actively "fortify" myself from it either.

 

What's strange is that you make it sound like you're happier that way, but then you go into detail about what a painful process it is. So why do it then? Why can't you just continue through life and leave the door open to whatever may come? Why does it have to be one extreme or the other? It was painful to idealize relationships and try a little too hard to meet the right person, and it's painful to convince yourself to give up on love and plan for a bleak future of loneliness, so what's wrong with settling somewhere in the middle? You don't have to prioritize it right now and you don't have to date or try to find anyone, but why go through this whole charade about convincing yourself that it will never happen? Maybe it will, maybe it won't. Seems to me you're just uncomfortable with not being able to totally control this aspect of your life, you can't force the right person to walk into your life right when you want them to, but rather than accept that it's out of your control and just see if you ever do meet the right one, you want to barricade yourself off and believe love is dead.

 

I guess I can see the point of doing it, because it sucks to keep hoping and never finding what you want. Or in your case, someone finally succeeded at meeting some of your standards, and then they weren't interested in a relationship with you.

 

So I dunno, I don't think you have to convince yourself that love is dead and that you'll never find the one. You might have high standards and I can relate to that. Some might advise you that if you hate the thought of being alone so much that you'll just have to lower your standards, but that's not always a good idea. Isn't there any way to just settle in that middle ground? Maybe you'll meet somebody in a year, or five, or ten, why does it have to be now or never? You don't need to put up this defense mechanism and hide your heart from the world. Just don't make it such a priority right now. Focus on other things without going through this routine of trying to close yourself off. You have to be open to the idea if you expect the right person to walk into your life. They always say it's easier to find what you want when you aren't really obsessed with looking for it.

 

Trust me I do now how you feel. My life had been centered completely around relationships for the past 5 or 6 years, until this time last year when I got dumped, I have not dated since then, and I still don't feel the same as I used to about love. And I can relate to that feeling that there might not be someone out there for me because I have a unique set of standards. But I'm not ruling it out completely either.

 

I'm a visual person so I always come up with goofy ways of describing things. Your situation right now, is like wanting to read a book, but you can't get in the mood right now or you're not enjoying the chapter you're reading, so you'd rather pour gasoline on it and incinerate it. What I'm suggesting is just put the book aside and focus on something else. You don't have to destroy it, nor do you need to worry about it right this moment. Just leave it for now. Maybe it will appeal to you again some day, or maybe not. But why destroy it? Then if you ever do want to read it again, you'd have to go through the process of getting a new copy. Just like if you go through all this effort to close yourself off to the idea of love, if you ever change your mind or the right person suddenly comes along, then you'll have to break yourself out of all these brick walls you've put up.

 

Just do something else for a while. Screw love. When it doesn't work out time and time again, it becomes an annoying friend that you don't want to hang out with for a few months. Single life doesn't have to be agony if we can just get ourselves out of that romantic mindset. I'm focusing on some personal projects and spending some more time with my friends. This is the first time I've spent an entire year single probably since before I ever started dating. It's not all bad.

 

Good luck on your journey. I can relate to much of what you're feeling. Just don't give up for good.

[todreaminblue]

i have been reclusive since the break up of my relationship nearly six years ago....this is also the first time i have been single since i was a teen...i have a different set of circumstances to you but I also don't fall easily for a guy....i need to get to know them to date so one off meetings aren't my style either...i believed that my ex was the guy i was going to be with for life so when we split i was pretty much dead inside, the medication i was on, fortified that for me and i actively avoided meeting anyone......bar two mistakes.....i cant go back to the way i was even though i too had strong feelings for someone and they weren't reciprocated.... i cant go back because i am refusing medication i refuse to be a zombie for the rest of my life not feeling anything....now i am not taking medication i have the motivation to get fit again......and i am working hard with a personal trainer, i go to church every week and i feel for the first time in my life my spirituality is home....i don't know what my future holds i have some goals.....to participate in a triathlon maybe, it is something i have never done before, take up kick boxing again,finish a few courses, continue going to church, and i am not ruling dating out,i wont ask, but when and if i do get asked, ill take a chance, even if it is just to make another friend, ill work my feelings out i have that are still there for the guy i like, I have decided that i am going to live my life and take each day as it comes, the more i get out, the more ill get used to people and men in particular, so ill relax and wont be so guarded, that's my plan.....dont refortify yourself......what the other poster said is true do things you like to do and you can never be sure of who or what is around the corner for you.....best wishes....deb

[Inflikted]

@ Exit

 

Thing is, for the last 3-4 years, it hasn't been a "priority", not in the sense you seem to be referring to it as. 4-5 years ago, I came to that realization I described, and after about a year or so is when I really forced myself to shut that part of me down. Over the next 3-4 years, I just had to work on keep it down, which wasn't easy (especially considering I've always been around people that have no trouble dating and having relationships), but I managed, and figured I'd just focus entirely on my education.

 

When I fell for this last girl, I... finally allowed myself to stop "keeping it down", because I thought I had finally found something, someone special. But, I ended up being wrong, and now my mind is flooded with all the old painful thoughts and stuff that I'd been working so hard to keep buried deep down for so long, all because I let myself get my hopes up that I finally found the connection I was looking for.

 

To me, two girls in eight years is a pretty horrible statistic, as far as attraction goes. And to make matters worse, I didn't even actually date those girls. I just think that the writing is on the walls, so to speak, and no matter how much I may want it, it's just not out there for me.

 

Edit: Also, it's not so much about "standards", per se. It's not like I think "She's not pretty enough", or anything like that. I'm much more interested in personality, and how we get along. Generally speaking, I get along fine with women, but for 99% of them, we don't "connect" as anything more than friends. I just never really feel like I meet any girls that I actually match up well with for dating, relationships, etc., and on the extremely rare occasion that I do, she apparently doesn't feel the same way.

Edited November 24, 2012 by Inflikted