3 year relationship, 3.5 months NC, 1.5 months LC, need to move on for good

[havoc87]

How do I do this properly this time?

 

I was the one who said that we couldn't work after she finally admitted she couldn't really show any sort of passion for the relationship after 3 years. This is after we had talked about marriage, kids and moving out with her being the main catalyst for those talks. But I quickly wanted to try again due to my clinginess and desperation and she rightly said she couldn't try again.

 

I spent the next month in NC mourning the loss of the relationship, typical I guess, the loss of our hopes and dreams, our Saturdays in and out and all that normal stuff. Around the end of this month, and after some self-reflection, I got over the resentment, I got to the point of understanding that I did a lot to contribute to this breakup, namely, not validating and mirroring her in fights, threatening to leave if the fight got unbearable to me without any real intention to leave but just to end the argument and eventually being very clingy and controlling. I decided that I would spend the next 2 months in NC to work on myself, for me and my future relationships and then approach the ex with a better me and hopefully she would want to start fresh.

 

So for the past 1.5 months I initiated a bit of contact with the ex, meeting up twice for coffee and generally having a good time catching up, she was insanely busy with work, I guess that's what she prioritized now after our breakup. After 1.5 months I felt like I didn't want to pretend being a friend anymore and told her how I felt. By all intents and purposes she has moved on, she's in a good place right now and despite how insane her work is (10-12 hour days?) she's happy with work. She agreed with me that our relationship was a great one and it's rare to find that but she's in a good place and she tries not to think about the past too much and that I shouldn't either. She recognized that I've changed a bit but that doesn't change how she feels. She'll always have something for me, but she's in a good place now.

 

So here I am, 2 days out of that conversation and I'm trying to move on for good this time. Luckily in the first 3 months I've normalized a life without her so I'm not completely wrecked right now. I just need to move on mentally and I'm not sure how. I feel like I messed up something great due to my own personal inexperience and impatience and that's a hard feeling to just let go for me right now.

 

Any tips?

[coans]

that is difficult to hear from someone and my thought is you have to go through this like it is a min-breakup and a set back of sorts.

 

be nice to yourself for the next few days and it must hurt no matter what.

 

hopefully you will feel better and just try and read a good getting over a breakup book and you won't feel like the only one who feels like they had something to do with the break up. I know I do feel that way and blame myself for a lot of it...but as they say it takes two. no one person is to blame.

 

hope you get some peace.