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Hello again...still coping after 5 years


sedgwick

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Hey everybody. I don't know who here remembers me, but it's been five years since my breakup (4 years NC), and I'm still just coping day-to-day. I'm not so depressed I can't live my life anymore; things are, in fact, going pretty well. I have a great new job and things are more or less awesome professionally. I'm in a new apartment that I love, and I have fantastic friends. But it's the time of year when my ex and I first met and fell in love, and I'm super melancholy lately.

 

I'm still not really interested in dating again. I don't feel like it would be fair, given how much I still love my ex. I just don't know why I still love him so much. He's moved about 10 hours away, so I never see him. He's blocked from FB and email. I don't look at his pictures. I'm doing everything right, but I've never had this kind of trouble getting over a breakup before.

 

And I still never, ever get flirted with. Haven't since he left me. It's like he took all my mojo with him when he walked out the door. I don't even really think of myself as a sexual person anymore.

 

Has anyone ever gone this long without getting over someone? Did you ever find love again? I could definitely use some support and inspiration right now.

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Hello Sedgwick 5 years does seem a long time, but I think true love never

Dies, I remember my first love I'm 43 by the way, I was with her for about 5

Years, it did take me along time to get over her about 2-3 years, The women

Who just walked out of my life about 9 weeks ago, who I truly loved will take time

To get over, I don't think you ever get over the loss of someone you really love

It's a powerful thing love is :)

 

I just wish the ones we lose, felt the love we had for them, then maybe none

Of us would be here on this website..

 

Stay stronge, your doing Great :)

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That's pretty much how I feel about my own situation, but I'm not even at 1 year yet. After 5, I'm sure it's frustrating, but I know how it feels when you just have to accept that the feelings are still there. But I think at this point, your "mojo" is yours to take back. Don't let him have ownership of that. Clean up and rearrange the house, join a gym, take a trip, do something that makes you feel good and reminds you that you are desirable. Maybe you aren't getting flirted with just because people can pick up the vibe from the way you are still feeling. It's not that your ex took it away from you. You just need to get it back.

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Hey everybody. I don't know who here remembers me, but it's been five years since my breakup (4 years NC), and I'm still just coping day-to-day.

 

I'm still not really interested in dating again. I don't feel like it would be fair, given how much I still love my ex.

 

Has anyone ever gone this long without getting over someone? Did you ever find love again? I could definitely use some support and inspiration right now.

 

I do remember you. :) Welcome back!

 

I am going to suggest that because you don't date, you are having a more difficult time getting over him. As for still loving him, I cannot see your emotions, but could it be that you are hanging on to those wonderful memories and forgetting the bad times?

 

Truthfully, I have no doubt that you will find love again, but I don't think that your feelings for this guy will just disappear and you will be ready to love. I think that you will need to get out more and then perhaps you will find someone.

 

My opinion. It is could to see you back again, and I hope that someone here gives you the motivation and inspiration to move forward. :)

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Clean up and rearrange the house, join a gym, take a trip,

 

I've done those things a million times over. That's what makes it all so frustrating.

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winstonsdreams

i think you are doing great! the only thing is you really have to start dating again, you still have your mojo! it's there! but if you don't give someone a chance you will never know. let go of the past, get out there and find someone that deserves you! date!

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I am going to agree with others here and say you really need to date, don't worry about what is fair or whatever If you think after one date they will fall madly in love with you then I guess you found your mojo!

 

Date and have fun, the longer you wait the harder it is and the more you think your ex is perfect and you will never find anyone else like them.

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Can I ask how long you were together for? My ex dumped me in February and after 5 months of remaining physical and hanging out together we had a massive fight and now don't talk at all - he's now dating again. I'm still trying to get over it and am worried about how long it's going to take to get over someone I loved and was with for 3 years.

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Just a lot of love and positive thoughts to you, Sedge. Nothing about this is easy... You are a beautiful person and your accomplishments are tremendous. You've always had my respect. :)

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Thank you, Penelope.

 

Lexie, we were together for a year. Pathetic, I know. Someday I'll get over it.

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I've done those things a million times over. That's what makes it all so frustrating.

 

Then do something else. Become part of something extraordinary. Start your own charity. Volunteer to spend time with shelter animals. Do volunteer work for a political campaign. Go beyond what you have done in the past. Take African dancing lessons. Learn how to Salsa. Learn how to play the violin. Get out of your comfort zone and discover new things.

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Oh man do I EVER feel your pain. I just posted about an uncanny similar story with my ex. We dated for a year as well. The only thing was though, is that I was a big douche then. 5 years later and it's the one thing that I always wish to change. I dropped outta school, I did drugs, I drank everyday for a while. Pretty much all of it. But nothing I regret more than leaving her and treating her the way I did and now I can never get her back. Even whilst dating someone right now, I still have severe coping issues. I don't know what to tell you other than to stuff it in a bottle and cast it to the ocean (metaphorically speaking).

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Thank you, Penelope.

 

Lexie, we were together for a year. Pathetic, I know. Someday I'll get over it.

 

How long would you expect one of your dearest friends to take in getting over someone they loved deeply? Be compassionate with your self.

 

Unfortunately you seem to be in the habit of pining for your ex and that is understandable. But the only way to remove a habit is to replace it.

 

Not being socially (specifically romantically) active prevents you from developing any other attachment to anyone else - so of course your feelings have not diminished.

 

It may be that no one in your life can ever make you feel the same way, however, there are bound to be many others who can help you to feel something.

 

Great Expectations has the character Mrs Havisham who destroyed her life and the lives of others because she could not let go of her pain. Miss Havisham - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

What is interesting is that Dickens is likely to have based the character on real people with real responses to tragedy in their love life.

 

Not that you are directly on that path but there is a lesson in the personal destination of holding tight to the past and avoiding the steps needed to move on. Committing to interact with others socially means you will meet many fools, many self absorbed individuals, some repulsive beasts and some genuinely wonderful human beings.

 

Why are you avoiding those special people who are worth knowing to hold onto an illusion of what was?

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I read your posts and threads just a few weeks back when I flipped through the past one thousand pages worth of topics and had wondered how your story had continued. I wish a happy ending or at least concluding acceptance had taken place in those years that followed.

 

I can see myself still missing my ex in a few years down the road too because we had connected on a never-before-experienced level and the bond was of unmatched strength (I'm forty, so this wasn't my first relationship either.), but I don't want to infuse this scenario with too much life by feeding it attention. I don't necessarily subscribe to the "law of attraction" kind of "you create your own destiny" thinking, but I am not sceptical enough to be comfortable with throwing pebbles into a still pond.

 

Have you tried to approach the situation from a spiritual angle? I find that more modern Buddhist literature can be inspiring and assist in shifting thoughts and making peace with sources of pain. Pema Chödrön's talks and writings resonate well with me and at times help me to get through a rough day.

 

Other than that ... there's just a *gentle hug* I can offer, paired with wishes for an exhilarating and fantastic future.

Edited by Calico
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Hey everybody. I don't know who here remembers me, but it's been five years since my breakup (4 years NC), and I'm still just coping day-to-day. I'm not so depressed I can't live my life anymore; things are, in fact, going pretty well. I have a great new job and things are more or less awesome professionally. I'm in a new apartment that I love, and I have fantastic friends. But it's the time of year when my ex and I first met and fell in love, and I'm super melancholy lately.

 

I'm still not really interested in dating again. I don't feel like it would be fair, given how much I still love my ex. I just don't know why I still love him so much. He's moved about 10 hours away, so I never see him. He's blocked from FB and email. I don't look at his pictures. I'm doing everything right, but I've never had this kind of trouble getting over a breakup before.

 

And I still never, ever get flirted with. Haven't since he left me. It's like he took all my mojo with him when he walked out the door. I don't even really think of myself as a sexual person anymore.

 

Has anyone ever gone this long without getting over someone? Did you ever find love again? I could definitely use some support and inspiration right now.

 

I remember you Sedgwick! Don't let anyone tell you how long it takes to heal.

So many people force healing, get with a new partner and mess up the new

relationship. It's now approaching 4 years since my break up.

 

I too am doing fine in life. However - I recently house sat around

our old area and it brought back triggers.

 

I started organizing all these Data DVDs with photos of us.

I'm separating them from my music work I had on them

and putting them on a harddrive.

 

I did 4 DVDs last night, and couldn't take it anymore.

I broke down all night again. I feel better today.

 

It's hard for me as well I woulnd't want to get anyone just yet.

I have to see signs of them loving me, I won't get into a loveless relationship.

 

It is tough, I quit drinking and made positive changes.

 

I look at it all like it gave me a major lesson in how to deal with Grief, loss

and bounce back the right way.

 

We have to heal fully and effectiv ely. My ex rebounded. People who rebound

thats temporary. It is what it is, I have no anger for her.

 

Just some fears I have to get rid of. I will find a great partner eventually.

Right now, I'm really not looking.

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Under The Radar

You seem like a very sensitive and empathetic person. I, too, have had trouble in the past recovering from broken relationships. I always wondered why it would take me so long to heal when others around could let go much sooner. I guess maybe some of us are just hard wired that way. I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time right now. It's good that you came back to LS for some support.

 

On the positive side of things you mention how your life is going well in many other areas. It's great that you are self aware enough and not dwelling in constant depression to recognize these things. I admire your decision to abstain from dating until you are in the right frame of mind and fully healed. I know how tempting it can be to sometimes force a realtionship to not feel pain anymore. Please take care of yourself and give it some more time.

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