How do you come to terms with the death of a friend or family member?

[meanon]

OK apologies in advance for the really depressing subject matter.

 

I lost a really close friend a couple of years ago, she died of cancer. I know about the theory of overcoming death, accepting it. I have come to terms with her death in that I accept she is gone, remember her fondly etc. But the horror of her last two years will not go away. I helped her through the repeated surgery, loss of function, fear of death, preparing for leaving her 10 year old child, dealing with her child's reactions to losing Mummy etc. I am interested in the experience of anyone who has lost someone close to them and suffered with them. Does the grief stay with you because of what you went through or does it ease with time? I was looking after a very young child at the time of her death and think that the reason it's still floors me is because I couldn't let myself grieve enough. On the other hand it was so awful I can't imagine it not getting to me and I am happy most of the time - it just knocks me for six when I think of her.

 

Any views appreciated

[End of my rope]

My Dad died when I was 15. From the day we found out he had terminal colan cancer until the day he passed totaled 6 months exactly. After the surgery he refused any type of chemo or radiation thearpy. His veiw was that he would rather have a few good months then a year of being sick. He was full of cancer before the doctors ever realized it.

 

He didn't want to die in a hospital. Through the help of Hospice we were able to bring him home. My Mom had to work to support us so that left me to care for my Dad. When I think back on it now, on how young I was, I wonder how I ever did all of that without breaking down. I also realize how much older that it made me. I was never again a typical teenager.

 

I don't regret those three months, and would live them again in a heartbeat just to have him with us again. He never suffered and only had moderate pain.

 

Since then I have passed many mile markers in my life and at each one I think of him and know he's always in my heart.

 

When I think back on it though...it's like it happened to someone else. Almost as if it was a sad movie I had watched once. To know that it actually happed to me, in my life, does sometimes floor me. I suppose it shows just how much we can endure. And that no matter what, we will find a way to go on with our lives...

 

I will always grieve for his loss, for his absence in my life. Some things you don't get over, you wade through them and learn from them...

[yes]

i haven't gone through a similar experience, but i think it's brutal of doctors to tell people how much time they have left to live. i think saying that "we can't treat you" and handing a pile of painkillers is plenty enough. i'd rather just live not knowing when it's coming. i can't even imagine the pain of counting down the days ... i mean it gets me teary just thinking about it, i literally don't know how people take it.

 

-yes

 

PS I think some losses just don't quite leave you, ever. You don't think about it daily, do you, Meanon?

[meanon]

Thanks for sharing your story with me.

 

Some things you don't get over, you wade through them and learn from them...

 

I'm coming to the conclusion that this is just one of those things. She had 18 months of treatment followed by 6 months when she knew she was terminally ill.

 

Yes - I don't think about it daily apart from this last week (there seem to be a lot of death threads around don't there?). It's probably weekly, songs on the radio when I'm in the car - that sort of thing. It's good to think of her. I just hope I can reach a point where I can do it without crying. Really it's ridiculous this long after the event. I've stopped calling her husband because he would tell me about how her daughter was and I'd be off again. He's done enough crying to last a lifetime, he says, and now it's gone - much healthier

[yes]

i can relate to this. my grandma died about four years ago, and it still takes sucking it up (literally breathing deep and forcing myself to smile) not to cry at every mention/thought of her. i don't expect this to go away, really. if i'm alone, i let it go, and if i'm in public i suck it up and go on.

 

i have tons of very fond memories of her, as well. i often think abt what she'd say when making decisions. etc.

 

the worst is that i wasn't there when she was very ill, and i wasn't at the funeral. i can't help imagining how it all happened... over and over, different versions. just a part of me - happens several times a month.

 

have you ever allowed yourself to cry your eyes out about her? like stay home alone all day and just cry cry cry while u'r doing your daily things... let it all out. just an idea.

 

-yes

[Thinkalot]

Time does heal, and ease things. Sometimes LOTS of time. One of my friends lost her dad to cancer about 6 years ago. About three years later, she started to really cry about it, because another friend also died from cancer, and it brought back a lot of unresolved things about her dad. She just didnt let them out at the time, because she tried to be strong for her mum.

 

You will have learnt and grown through the experience, and it may always have some impact on you, but the negative sides will probably lessen in time I would think. You will have gained an appreciation of life too.

 

I lost my grandad a few years back. I still have dreams of him sometimes, but they make me feel happy.

[meanon]

have you ever allowed yourself to cry your eyes out about her?

 

Good point - now I think about it the only time I'm alone (apart from early hours in the morning when on LS) is when I'm in the car. The rest of the time there are people to look after, things to do or the kids are just around playing. That's one of the reasons I posted the thread - I'm not sure I've coped that well with it. I'll have to book a day off work! Silly, but it's the only way to get some privacy.

 

Thinkalot - you are right. I have learned so much from her, she was so brave. I hope to have happy dreams of her one day

[Tony T]

My mother died when I was 13, my father when I was much older. I was mature enough to come to terms with my father's death within a short time. I still haven't totally healed from the death of my mother...don't think I ever will, although I'd like to.

 

One thing I do know, death is one of the very few things on this planet that is perfectly safe.

[meanon]

That must have been so hard. That's what got to her (and me as a mother) most - parting from a child. I think to heal you need to be open to change and it's struck me several times that you have that capacity, Tony. I hope you do manage to totally heal.

 

One thing I do know, death is one of the very few things on this planet that is perfectly safe.

 

I don't understand this, what do you mean? That nothing bad can happen to you when you're dead? If so you are right but I much prefer the converse: It's great to be alive

[moimeme]

My mom died of cancer. She was in denial right until the end and, thank heavens, was in and out of a coma the last week so basically did not know the end was approaching. Frankly, it was a relief, which sounds horrid but for a while, there were times when she was very scared, mostly because she had a lot of pain and the prospect of more pain was terrifying to her.

 

I can't think of many feelings that are worse than seeing someone you love in pain and being unable to do anything about it. Her death meant that she would never hurt or be afraid again. It was, actually, a moment of joy and peace I'll never forget. I won't ever forget the times when she was scared and in pain, though.

[meanon]

Yes it was a release for her too in that she would not suffer anymore. But such a waste.

 

Moimeme - thanks. I know the memory of the good and the bad times stays with you, but has the distress about the bad times eased over the years?

[amerikajin]

I was 23 when my father passed away, so I guess my level of maturity made it a little easier for me to deal with.

 

My father suffered a major stroke in November of 1996, which left him partially paralyzed. At first, he appeared to be making some progress. I came home to visit around Thanksgiving and Christmas, and we were hopeful that he could be home fairly soon. We were hoping he might regain use of his arms and legs, but he didn't.

 

There was nobody at home to take care of him - my mother had to work fulltime just to take care of the mounting bills. We put him in a nursing facility after about two months. I sometimes think that might have been a mistake, but at the time we didn't really know what our options were. Perhaps hospice could have made a difference...I don't know. I know we could not afford a live-in nurse. It wasn't covered under our health plans. We tried to get him covered under VA, but VA's been going through budget cuts over the last two decades.

 

When I came back home in May after my graduation it was clear that he wasn't going to make it another year. He had lost weight, lost energy, and was visibly disinterested in what was going on around him. In July he went back into the hospital again after he began having seizures. After that, I drove almost 300 miles to visit him every weekend. He couldn't talk, but he could smile and move his arms.

 

The last time I saw my father alive was on Labor Day, 1997. I visited him one last time at his bedside. I pretty much knew that was the last time I'd ever see him alive, so as I left, I took one last look at him.

 

That next Saturday morning I got a call that woke me up at about 5:20 on the morning of September 6, 1997. I couldn't reach my phone so I let the machine get it "XXXX, this is mom. Call home" I knew what had happened.

 

I just remember daydreaming alot in the months afterward. At first it didn't really hit me that he had died. Even after seeing him in a coffin, there were times when a part of me would think he wasn't dead. Over time, the reality sets in. You learn to deal with it, though recovery and acceptance can take years for some people. It never entirely goes away. There's always a part of you that remembers that person.

[End of my rope]

Originally posted my Meanon

 

It's good to think of her. I just hope I can reach a point where I can do it without crying.

 

It's been 8 years since my Dad passed, and there are times when I still break down into tears. I think it's healthy. It allows me to express myself and the sorrow I still feel that he's not here...

[moimeme]

I know the memory of the good and the bad times stays with you, but has the distress about the bad times eased over the years?

 

I just don't think about it often. When I do, it's always distressing. There are a lot of things from my life that won't ever not hurt, but I don't dwell on them. Sometimes something will remind me and it gets to me, but there's not much point in my mulling these things over. Mostly, I'm a happy human.

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by moimeme

[There are a lot of things from my life that won't ever not hurt, but I don't dwell on them. Sometimes something will remind me and it gets to me, but there's not much point in my mulling these things over. Mostly, I'm a happy human.

 

That's a real strength Merry.

[moimeme]

That's a real strength Merry.

 

Believe me; I'm grateful for it.

[meanon]

You learn to deal with it.......It never entirely goes away. There's always a part of you that remembers that person.

 

Amerikajin - Thank you. It's that last bit of dealing with it that's eluded me - I wouldn't want it to go away entirely.

 

Thanks everyone for your replies and for sharing your experiences, it helps

[jenny]

(i was just hunting through any posts of yours i missed and found this)

 

i'm so sorry for the lost of your friend - it sounds like you have handled it beautifully. i wish i had a story for you; i don't; i just felt you in your post. i know we can't really know people through their posts, but you do strike me as a person who loves an individual so much, and so well, that you notice every small dry detail that others miss. your friend sounds like she was magnificently real...

 

all of this thread's stories were touching, actually, and revealing. anyway, thank you for sharing yours to start it off.

[meanon]

LOL it's so depressing it should really have stayed buried in the archives! The thread really helped me focus on the bits of the experience I found most distressing and that's what I had been avoiding doing. It's still upseting (I think it always will be) but it's much less painful to remember her now. Thanks so much to everyone who replied.

 

i was just hunting through any posts of yours i missed and found this

 

That's a fine compliment Jenny - I read you too

 

Thank you so much Jenny

[cowgirl]

My grandmother passed away suddenly in 2002. She was 80 and it all came down to a bruise that was underneath her foot which turned out to be the start of gangoreen. The doctor told her on the friday that she may have to lose her leg. As my grandmother walked out of his surgery she said to my aunty who was her carer that she'll die before they take her **** leg off. She passed away the following thursday. I lived out of town and rushed up to be with her on the tuesday and the hardest part was the waiting for her to passed. I spent 3 days with her at her death bed and as hard as it was I wouldn't change a thing. It took me a little while to deal with it and I don't think it really hit me until about 2 weeks later when I couldn't sleep and Ive never cried like that before in my life that I can remember. People deal with death in there own way. Some people can just move on and some need help and guidance. I found it easier to think that she's probably gone to a better place, is free of pain and that I will see her again one day, she's just gone ahead of me.

 

I lost a dear friend who used to be my boss just last week to cancer. She was only 46. When she was diagnosed she was told she had 4-6 months to live and that she's probably had the cancer for the last 5 years. She dealt with her life threatening illness so well. The first thing she said to us is that she is determined to see her little girl walk down the aisle one day. Her daughter will be 17 this year. Her daughters deb ball was coming up not long after she was diagnosed and a week before she left for her first treatment she took her for a dress fitting and she made her put a viel on just so she could see her. My friend was so brave in the way she handled her illness. She never worried about the fact that she was dying she was only worried leaving her husband and daughter behind.

 

I was to leave in 2 days time to go and visit her to say my own goodbyes but I just missed her. I couldnt even go to the funeral but I took comfort in the fact that she would have known she was in my thoughts that day. I have my little cry's every now and than but it's nice to know she's free of the pain and can watch over us now.

My friend said at her funeral she had a bright red casket to match her flaming long red long curly hair, she would've loved that. Her nickname was RED.

 

You will get through your rough times like this. A little cry is the best therapy every now and than.

Cheers..

[meanon]

Thanks cowgirl. I'm not religious but I know it's a great comfort in times like this - I'm glad it's helped you.

[cowgirl]

Im not a religious person either but I found with losing someone so close such as my nanna you tend to wonder about those sort of things on the so called other side.

[meanon]

Sorry cowgirl I don't know how I missed your reply. A lot of people find religion in times like this and it stays with them for life. It doesn't really matter if you have been religious before or not, as long as you find it a comfort. I sometimes wish I had the capacity for it but I know it's not in me and never will be.

 

Hope you are feeling better