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We can't be the only ones...


InAFog

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So many of us on here questioning, obsessing, breaking up over how we could have meant so little to our exes. How they could just forget about us and move on so fast. Because we don't hear from them, or we don't hear what we want to.

 

So i'm just thinking, that we can't possibly be the only ones having these kinds of emotions about it. I mean, we've got dumpers, dumpees, mutual breakups, men, women, young, old, middleaged on here going through the same situations and having the same feelings. What could the chances possibly be that the other member of our "couples" isn't going through any of this?? They are probably sitting at home wondering, or questioning on another forum how they could mean so little to us, how we could have forgotten about them already, just wishing that we would reach out to them some way.

 

What a crazy, ridiculous, messed up and draining situation this all is.

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In general, everyone is looking for the same thing, to love and be loved. Unless the other person has mental problems, they also have feelings of hurt though some may have had those earlier and checked out before the end or cope in a completely different way.

 

Unfortunately we don't all communicate the same, if at all, and this is why most people go through so much. Also, in order to heal, some of us have to ignore/NC/LC (lack of communication) or say mean things to each other (poor communication) to lessen the pain which adds more fuel.

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So many of us on here questioning, obsessing, breaking up over how we could have meant so little to our exes. How they could just forget about us and move on so fast. Because we don't hear from them, or we don't hear what we want to.

 

So i'm just thinking, that we can't possibly be the only ones having these kinds of emotions about it. I mean, we've got dumpers, dumpees, mutual breakups, men, women, young, old, middleaged on here going through the same situations and having the same feelings. What could the chances possibly be that the other member of our "couples" isn't going through any of this?? They are probably sitting at home wondering, or questioning on another forum how they could mean so little to us, how we could have forgotten about them already, just wishing that we would reach out to them some way.

 

What a crazy, ridiculous, messed up and draining situation this all is.

 

I mean... you can reach out, you know. You can. It's just that you have to ask yourself "How much is this contact going to be worth?" Because if they left, they did it because it was the best decision for themselves at the time, given the situation and their feelings. We can tag it as selfish, "Why didn't they talk to me?!", "We could've worked it out, was I not worth working it out with?" etc. but it still remains that they decided to initiate the break up because they needed to do it for themselves.

 

And you never really know what they're thinking. For one thought exists the opposite thought. Again, it comes down to which guess or assumption you're making that's worth investing into. And by investing into, I mean will it hurt you if you contact them? How much? Are you over it enough so that if they don't talk to you or respond, you won't take it too personally and you can go about your day after being ignored?

 

If you're going through all this pain w/o the added stress of not getting what you desire from your ex, then it makes sense to stay NC for a while, don't you think? Then when you're more stable in your feelings, you can figure out what you want: stay NC, or initiate contact and see where it will take you. Just do you for a while, however long it takes.

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We are not the only ones. Unless your ex is not human, the pain of loss can be felt by him/her whether you dumped her or she dumped you. Relationships are two-way and if you had felt that strongly about it, I'm sure your ex felt it too; and to have lost something that great can be devastating for both parties.

 

My ex is not a bad person. He is just damaged, as am I.

 

I still love my ex, but I will not contact him. In fact I never initiated contact when we broke up. Going no contact doesn't mean I don't or have never loved him.

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I think your mistaken if you feel that way. Most dumpers seem to have someone else , so they always have a soft landing. Unlike us. I think some truly don't care. Eg my ex who dumped me GIGS pretty much. Then asks me back only to stand me up and verbally abuse me and blamed the whole breakup on me, even though he wanted to sleep around. Then I found out he had a new gf while asking for me back. Then bragged about how much better he was after dumping me. Its not nice to say but I would be glad if something bad happened to this guy. How much of an Ahole can you get?

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TheUnthoughtKnown

I agree with SugarKane there.

 

I've been the dumper and I've been the dumpee. As the dumper I did what was right for me at the time, as someone said on this thread. I didn't really feel that upset, if I'm honest. I was looking to the future; out of a relationship I felt was going nowhere and now free to begin a fresh new, exciting romance. The girl I dumped never forgave me. We spoke about 5 years later and she still had strong resentment for me, and she made that very clear.

 

Now being the dumpee, that's a different story. Torn apart, drinking constantly, could barely sleep, lost a lot of weight. While, so I heard, she was dating again little over a week after we broke up.

 

What I'm saying is: No, I truly don't believe the other person has to be feeling similar. They'll feel something, of course they will, but I very much doubt on the same level as the dumpee. However, everyone's different so who's to know? Like someone else said on this thread, the idea is to give yourself time to heal and recover before you ask the questions you feel you need to ask. Because you really never know the kind of answer you'll get.

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TheUnThoughtUnknown- Why did she never forgive you? Did you do something as bad as the ex I mentioned above? 5 years is a long time.

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TheUnthoughtKnown
TheUnThoughtUnknown- Why did she never forgive you? Did you do something as bad as the ex I mentioned above? 5 years is a long time.

 

I didn't give her closure. I broke it off after we'd been together nearly a year and didn't properly explain why. It just wasn't working out and I didn't feel the love for her that I did at the start. She tried to change my mind but that only served to annoy me. I was young and stupid. It happens, though. I don't blame her for hating me. The shoes on the other foot now and I know exactly how she felt.

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I think you'll know or feel it if your ex is having a hard time. Restless and indecisive behavior usually means something is not right.

 

I've been a dumper in the past, and although I too was very hurt from that experience, any hope for me and that ex of mine went kaput. I never contacted him since the day we broke up, and it has been a 1 year and 5 months since contact. I do not miss that ex at all, though I will remember him as someone I loved. However, I know I made the right choice and have never looked back since. He also never contacted me so it's safe to presume he didn't feel so strongly... And I accept that.

 

This most recent ex who dumped me is a mess. He could have just disappeared so that I can completely forget about him but it seemed that he didn't want that. Yet still didn't want to be in a relationship with me. It really sucks. He really doesn't know what he wants, and there I was, suffering because of his indecision. I think it was really selfish of him to try to still keep me in his life as a 'friend'. I'm sure he very well knows that I was hurting a lot. He could have given it some time so I can heal.

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As much as I would love to think 'he' felt any distress or doubt at all about dumping me, I am quite sure that isn't the case.

 

We broke up twice - he'd been infatuated with me since first meeting me 3 years previously which I had no idea about, neither of us were available at the time anyway and he couldn't believe it when we did get together, sent me countless emails/texts saying so and 'it feels so right, I love you so much' etc - when he said he no longer had any feelings for me. We continued to meet, always at my instigation, often ending up spending the night together as the attraction and passion never went away.

 

One month after the split, he let his guard down - he said he hadn't meant to, had no intention of getting back with me - and his feelings were 'very strong' again and we immediately got back, very happily, together (he sent me a message saying 'I can't stop smiling'). This lasted for 3 months then he dumped me again. As before, we kept in contact and several times ended up in bed again.

 

We had a week in September last year when he said he'd give serious thought about getting back together but in the same week he started seeing someone else. I was devastated and fell apart. I'm now back on my feet. We have barely seen each other since.

 

The last time we saw each other was in May when he organised the repair of something he bought for me, which was easy through his work. When I collected it, we hugged tightly for over an hour but he closed his eyes briefly while looking into mine. Don't know why, maybe guilt or sorrow, who knows. 2 days later, I saw him in a pub with a mutual friend so went over and said hello. My friend who witnessed it said he was more interested in his drink and didn't even look at me. And yet 2 days earlier had been completely different when he had spoken about what exciting and passionate times we'd had and would have had if we'd shared a home together (which was the plan).

 

Sorry to ramble - we do sometimes, don't we - but incidents like those confuse me. I've had mixed messages throughout and it doesn't help that he lives and works in my neighbourhood so I never know when I might see him, his car, the one who replaced me. Its been 15 months since I was dumped and I'm just cold, hard and bitter now. I'll never let anyone close again and am appalled when anyone tries to chat me up. I can't get over that he got to know me, was obsessed with me for all that time but didn't have the balls to see us both through some difficult early relationship stuff - and our getting together was complicated - to see the bigger picture of what we could have together long term. I'll never get over how someone can treat someone like he treated me (and I could re-count many examples but won't as I've gone on too much already), when I adored him, was supportive and loving and yet he could walk away and replace me with apparent ease. That man who looked into my eyes and told me how much he loved and adored me destroyed my faith in human nature and almost broke me and yet now, I believe, chooses to forget that I/we ever existed.

 

Incidentally, although we are both in our 40's, I was only his second relationship but his longterm and only previous relationship hadn't really allowed him to develop or grow emotionally so in real terms he was very immature and expected everything in our relationship to be perfect. If we even had a slight disagreement or difference of opinion - not even an argument - he would announce 'we're a disaster'. Unrealistic expectations and I hope he's learning that now with whoever the Hell he's with!

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first serious RS, she broke up with me after meeting another guy. I tried, of course, to ask her back, convince her, plead to her that if she loves me - let's give it a try. all she said was "stop please, you'll make me collapse". she said she had made her decision and that it was hard for her; losing sleep, not eating, etc.

 

it seems that this thing cooks up quite a while before it comes to your (the dumpee's) attention. what's a total shock to you is a solid fact for them. hence, I guess, it is easier for them to move on. especially if they have something new. but then again, it's very subjective, people are different. I'm the kind that really gets attached to people. I felt she was the same. therefore I am still, in a way, shocked, two months past, laying in my dark room, while she went on living her life with my replacement. (in my mind at least, have no idea what she's up to, NC)

 

a crazy situation you said. true words. it is crazy how friendships end in a flash. it's hard to grasp how a person, the closest you have in your life, meets another person and then tells you "I'll always think of you as my best friend" when in reality any person with a clean mind could see that cannot be so. and now 2 years of constant connection, love and affection, just fades away in a second; with one side to blame.

 

how the actions of a single person drain every last bit of energy and liveliness out of you; how it makes everything gray and tasteless. I guess the world is just really ****ed up in a way.

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Maybe the ex you dumped did care. Maybe he never contacted you because he was too heartbroken/ shocked? Maybe he read something like LS which says to stay in NC and let the dumper contact first? From being in the dumpees shoes if you contact, you can get laughed at, called psycho and threats or dead silence from just wanting answers. I never contacted my ex after being cruelly dumped with answers that made no sense. Doesn't mean I wasn't depressed and heart broken for months.

I think you'll know or feel it if your Restless and indecisive behavior usually means something is not right.

 

I've been a dumper in the past, and although I too was very hurt from that experience, any hope for me and that ex of mine went kaput. I never contacted him since the day we broke up, and it has been a 1 year and 5 months since contact. I do not miss that ex at all, though I will remember him as someone I loved. However, I know I made the right choice and have never looked back since. He also never contacted me so it's safe to presume he didn't feel so strongly... And I accept that.

 

This most recent ex who dumped me is a mess. He could have just disappeared so that I can completely forget about him but it seemed that he didn't want that. Yet still didn't want to be in a relationship with me. It really sucks. He really doesn't know what he wants, and there I was, suffering because of his indecision. I think it was really selfish of him to try to still keep me in his life as a 'friend'. I'm sure he very well knows that I was hurting a lot. He could have given it some time so I can heal.

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Since whenever us dumpees if we do contact dumpers are rudely called desperate, crazy or nutjobs. Who would want to contact?

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Maybe the ex you dumped did care. Maybe he never contacted you because he was too heartbroken/ shocked? Maybe he read something like LS which says to stay in NC and let the dumper contact first? From being in the dumpees shoes if you contact, you can get laughed at, called psycho and threats or dead silence from just wanting answers. I never contacted my ex after being cruelly dumped with answers that made no sense. Doesn't mean I wasn't depressed and heart broken for months.

 

Ahh no, the ex that I dumped is a cheater, almost like a pathological liar. To be honest, I don't think he cared about me as much as the recent one. I think the reason he never contacted me is because he really didn't care about the way he treated me, and also that he was very ashamed of what he did. I was very unhappy in our relationship and I was over him even before it ended. I was hurt too for a while, but I never had problems moving on from this one, I was determined to move on, I was very angry. I never wanted him back.

 

Funny because this one I knew a lot longer than my ex now, and it was our 2nd try to work out a relationship (prior to getting back together we didn't see/hear from each other for 3 years!)... but in terms of the way I was treated when we were still together, he pales in comparison to my most recent ex.

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I apologize I didn't know your ex was a cheater. I just assumed it was like what I went through.

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