Would you rather have a pleasant delusion, or a real relationship?

[dyermaker]

The question I ask is the same as the title, so if you're in a hurry, you could just answer it.

 

However, I'd like you to take some thought before doing it. My guess is that while most people would jump up and down and say "real relationship! real relationship!", few would do it so readily in practice.

 

A real relationship takes work. Work at communication, compromise, understanding, intimacy, and doing things one might not want to do. Also, the reward is a lack of chaos. Chaos is a word that has a stigma attached to it, as if it equates to emotional bedlam, but a lot of people thrive on chaos. Chaos is exciting, it's rewarding in it's own way. Reality, sometimes, can be quite boring.

 

An example of a pleasant delusion would be the person who is married, but not to you. You see them at their best, they profess their undying love for you. You have sex--great sex. You sympathize with their problems, what a bastard/bitch their spouse is. You KNOW what you have is real, solid, you KNOW that this is the person whom you love with all of your heart, and you feel like you're connected to this person. You're not. You're just being manipulated. You can't know that you love the person, until you see him or her from a HUMAN, and imperfect perspective. You have to see him or her from the perspective that his spouse does. And then, you have to see yourself how he sees his or her spouse, as another pawn in his or her game of self-gratification.

 

Another pleasant delusion is the one that got away. Oh, how we long for the one person who didn't want us! Why? Why is that? It's like fighting for your father's approval, but your father ignores you. Even worse is the one who wanted us, but we weren't interested in at the time. When the person moves on from you, it's awful. Why? Why is that? (s)he's nothing we wanted, so why do we find ourselves wanting more of someone who wanted us? We find out that (s)he's moved on, and is happy, possibly marrying someone else. We start to wonder what someone else saw in him/her, or what was so special about the new person that made him or her get over you. We fantasize, looking back on what could have been.

 

The final delusion is the one who treats you like crap. Ahh, this is more a chick thing really, but I see guys go through it all the time. Never calls, has other people, verbally (or otherwise?) abusive, but there's that SOMETHING, that delusion that you can change the person. The delusion that you'll tame the beast. You'll turn the Harley-riding womanizing jackass into a harley-riding, womanizing jackass who loves you. You'll turn the man-eating, dehumanizing bitch, into the bitch who changed just for you. Mistreatment just fuels your fire.

 

I talk about it with such contempt, because I honestly look down on such relationships. Yet, I know that there HAS to be people who don't. I don't expect any admissions, just something to think about.

[moimeme]

There's one other (well maybe more but one I can think of). The movie-style all-consuming until you can't breath idolatry of another human being. You love the thrill of the dizzying infatuation. It is such a kick to feel swept up in something you can't control - or so you really like to believe. Problem is, no matter how timeless, fabulous, or miraculous it feels, it doesn't last. We now know a lot of this is the product of a bunch of chemicals which get fired up in us to urge us to procreate. Fun? Sure, but it's a temporary high, and when you come down, as you certainly will, you may even feel empty or else you crave another dose.

 

My answer? I've had a few 'pleasant delusions'. Been there, done that. They're fine while they last but I've also had something warmer and deeper and real. There is just no comparison. I said it in another thread; the former may be intoxication, but intoxication, at its base, is fake. I like my experiences genuine and unclouded by any sorts of chemicals - well maybe except for chocolate

[faux]

I would rather experience the reality of love, both in its pain and suffering and moments of tranquility.

 

One cannot truly enjoy a good cup of black tea unless one can sip it, contentedly. No sugar, no honey. No lemon.

 

To live is to struggle. The nightmares I have survived made me who I am now today. Without future trials I cannot become more. I do not wish to throw that away by any means.

 

Had my heart not been scarred I would never have learned to love.

 

My session of quoting myself ends.

[yes]

you mentioned thriving on chaos. why why why do people do that? the thrill of uncertainty? disfunctional upbringing? what's with the addiction to pretty drama? [this is not to say i'm not like that at all]

 

have any of you watched "dr. djivago"? now that's REAL drama!

 

-yes

[jenny]

why that unnecessary but predictable step into contempt? that's interesting, actually.

 

nope, i don't mind delusions. i find my own and those of others touching. this is why i like literature: the construction and the degradation (sometimes the resolution) of delusions. i think any thorough understanding of realism must accomodate for the destructive whimsy of actual people.

[niko1999]

Pleasent dilusions can be fun. Theyre not always a bad thing. Most relationships start out as pleasent dilusions, and end becuse the dilusion has. But right now, Im happy with the real thing. As much as at times I wish it was still a pleasent dilusion, becuase it certainly would make things much easier sometimes, and at times maybe I would be a little happier, beucase I would have that blind fold on, but at the same time, not having that blind fold on, I discover things about him, taht may be gross, but I love him even more for it.

[jester]

I'm not sure relationships, especially erotic ones, are as neatly dichotomous as Dyer assumes, but it's his question so here I go.

 

If given the choice, and I'm not sure "choice" is even applicable, I'd elect the pleasantly delusional relationship as opposed to the boring real relationship, which requires work, and more work, and more work.

 

Eros, to me , is fun, intoxicating fun. Much of it is built on illusions, if not an occasional delusion. I want the pleasure principle, with the rose colored glasses , to open the doors of perception into a new sexual relationship, not the cold, clear reality principle. Too much clarity, to much honesty, is inimical to new love.

 

I believe that without a dollop of delusion, an iota of illusion, and a teaspoon of trickery, many people would not bother hooking up. In initial attraction, and in new love, you're only as good as your fictions, and opening performance.

 

We all should suspend disbelief when we fall in love.

[clia]

Another pleasant delusion is a long term LDR. You talk on the phone, e-mail, spend the weekends together...but since you don't get to see each other that often, you don't want to create any tension during the time you are together. You don't want to create any problems. When you are together, it's all about seeing each other, spending time together, and not dealing with real life. You don't see the person when they are sick, cranky, or burned out. You aren't there to taken them out when they've had a crap day at work. You aren't there when they have all their pain in the butt errands to run, like grocery shopping, laundry, going to the bank, post office, etc. You only know one side of the person...not the whole picture.

[yes]

of course everybody wants a real r/s but some delusional ones are nice as well. say, you go on a trip somewhere - having a short local romance can be great fun, but obviously delusional since it's only one week(or whatever) long and you don't even begin to see the down sides of this person. and then you leave and never see him/her again, so all you remember is a great week you have together, - sure it's an illusion, but it's also a sweet memory. i say such experiences are worth having - as long as you realize they're just that.

 

my 2c,

-yes

[Togagirl]

I think quite a few people bounce between the 2. When a real relationship is in trouble or just ended they go for the dillusional type to help pick them back up for a while, ok self admiting I do, or have in the past. Maybe thats why I'm always getting my heart broken. I keep looking for temporary fixes, instead of solving the original problems to begin with.

[Skittles]

de·lu·sion ( P ) Pronunciation Key (d-lzhn)

n.

 

The act or process of deluding.

The state of being deluded.

A false belief or opinion: labored under the delusion that success was at hand.

Psychiatry. A false belief strongly held in spite of invalidating evidence, especially as a symptom of mental illness: delusions of persecution.

 

 

 

There are many folks who are delusional in thinking their long term relationship or marriage is happy.even while significant others are running amok, peeking at porn sites, calling oms and ows on cell phones....living the life of the happy hypocrit.

 

In this way these folks have relationships that are simultaneously real and delusional...Real Delusional...

[Tony T]

In the greater number of relationships I've had, I was guilty of extreme self-delusion. Many people like myself tend to want to see and believe what we want to believe...in many cases. I am envious of people who can see things for what they really are right off the bat and act accordingly. I will say that I'm getting much better about this.

 

Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs!

[moimeme]

In the greater number of relationships I've had, I was guilty of extreme self-delusion. Many people like myself tend to want to see and believe what we want to believe...in many cases

 

Haven't we all?

[FreeMe]

Wow, I just happen to be wrestling with this very question right now.

 

Do I stay in the relationship I'm in (the real one) - this is the one that has the most potential (of any other I've ever been in) to marriage and having a comfortable life. I am in love with him, but it's hard work and my insecurities keep rearing their ugly heads and screwing me up.

 

Or - do I go back to being single and spending most of my time alone (which I actually enjoyed) and have short-term exciting, passionate relationships that crash and burn (delusional).

 

Or - do I call up the guy who was absolutely crazy about me, but with whom I was not in love and marry him and let him shower me with gifts and take care of me (oh and agree to have a couple of babies with him) (delusional, I think, because I'm not in love with him but he is with me).

 

So far, I'm staying with the real one. I'd feel like I was taking the easy way out if I didn't at least try.

[Midnight Magic]

Personally I think I am going to give up on relationships, and in the event that I need someone for a quick romp in the hay then I will have it.

 

Relationships are just too painful and too demanding.

Sorry that is just my personal thoughts.

 

I have been in too many to care anymore. I give myself to all of these people, and in the end I am always the bad one no matter what I do.

I always give my 110% and really for what, what does it get for you.

 

So really what is the point anymore.

All you do is end up being hurt, alone, whether you are with someone or not.

[ladyangel]

I've had both, and I definitely prefer the "real relationship," which I feel I have at the present time. Great question, Dyer.

[Errol]

I would rather have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all.

 

One of my favorite sayings. When I was in the midst of heartbreak I thought how wrong those words were - the pain of losing someone you have loved so dearly just doesn't seem worth it.

 

But life moves on and the pain fades and I think the experience is worth it in the end. I can't imagine never having loved and lost now -- the loss is too important to my personal growth to have missed. I took that pain and those experiences with me into my current relationship and we have built a strong marriage. We create fantasy and allow ourselves delusions sometimes. But our reality and the day to day struggle with family and work and bills, etc. is what has made us strong and connected us in a way no delusion can. I prefer the reality and not the delusion now. When I was younger (30's and younger) I was happy with the delusions but as I grew I became dissatisfied with them and began enjoying the hard work and challenges of maintaining a relationship with one person. That may turn around again as I enter my late 60's and beyond. I may not want to work as hard as I have. I hope that if/when that happens the hard work will be over and we will be close enough to work a little at maintance because the structure is built and secure. Perhaps that is a delusion too though!

[ldybg51]

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Im going for the reality. But the relationship that just ended was one that I believed to be real. We had our ups and downs and all that. Like a real relationship. I never saw it coming. Wham. Im not in love with you anymore. Things arent like they used to be.

 

So this is the stuff heartbreak is made of. Someone who wants the delusion leaving the person who understands that the delusion is just what it is and will never last.

 

He is one of those people who will go from r/s to r/s trying to keep the 'delusion'

 

Dyer, thank you for giving me the word I have been looking for. I have just realized that that is what he is. Delusional. He really believes that the euphoric eutopia will last throughout a relationship. Does anyone else here feel that way? I wonder how many there are...?.?..

[moimeme]

He really believes that the euphoric eutopia will last throughout a relationship. Does anyone else here feel that way? I wonder how many there are...?.?..

 

Lots of people do. Have a read of the article posted here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t32298/?highlight=companionate

 

Very interesting stuff.

[dyermaker]

Yeah, that's a good one, thanks again for it.

[ldybg51]

This proves my point. He was the delusional and i was the reality. You cannot have both. He was the romantic and I was the companionate love. Wow, he is a contradiction in himself if I go by this article. Heres what he says.

 

We just arent the same anymore. We dont "talk" like we used to. (he was referring to political discussions, religion discussions, ect), We just do our own things now. I dont miss you when you arent here for a day or night , (i didnt necessarily miss him either, but he could have meant that he actually was *gulp* glad i wasnt there) We dont have the same viewpoint, Somethings missing and I dont know what it is(not quoting JohnMayer, I really am quoting the ex) yadda, yadda, yadda.

 

He also says to others, I just dont want stress in my relationship. I antiquate stress with "new love" thats when you have your fights and stuff if you are going to. Although we did not. Actually, we were very good together. Alike in most ways but just enough opposite to bring the other out. It was just weird how we were together. Then he went and got all unhappy because of his job and started analyzing everything. He decides that because things arent the same with us and because we dont do the things we used to that we arent in love anymore. And No he wasnt in love with me anymore. It was like he talked himself out of it.

 

Yeah, OMG that is what it was like. He talked himself out of love. How you say. If you are in love you cannot talk yourself out of it. Oh contrair, he did it. He used his very logical brain to decide that what we had just wasnt what love is portrayed as. So now he does not understand his feelings, but they must not be love. Because thats not what love is. He knows because thats what the books, magazines, movies tell him. I mean really people. One week we are happy. Then he has a week where I knew something was wrong. Him acting wierd, asking lotsa questions about my opinions on things and the like. But I still didnt see it coming. It was after the fact that I realized what he had done. (and just now come up with the actual scientific term for it-talking himself out of love)

 

So, now he has all these feelings of jealousy (meaning just plain ole jealousy against anything male), resentment towards other guys that i talk to, jealous pride (means he doesnt understand how i can replace him so fast) and he wants to talk to me and still be, you guessed it, friends. He said to me the other day after I had told him no contact if he insisted on showing his jealous pride, and I enforced it for a whole whoppin 3-4 days (in my defense i ignored phone calls and only called after a serious sounding voice mail, thought something terrible had happened), he says, I have been thinking about it today and I {edit: have come up with the reason why i am missing you and thinking about you} just think that i would rather know that you are okay and all rather than not talk to you. I dont mind if you wanna talk to chris ,*clear throat* and are just friends with him, but I just wanna know that you are okay.

 

Wow. Off topic a tad and Im sorry. I was more or less typing as I was coming to my own realizations. Ignore this post if you want. It was just me having some enlightenment. If you would like you can give me your opinions if you believe any of it sounds like me grasping. Let me know.

 

I do see that this could and probably is just me wanting something and making things fit what i want. Yeah, thats probably what it is. i dont know. It was just so sudden and out of left field. I am positive he does not have feelings for me. Why they went away so abrubtly, in a weeks time, is beyond me. But they did, and now i am moving on. Even if this post looks to be to the contrary. I really am. I have made lotsa friends and am actually noticing when other guys are hot and spark my interest. I dont mope anymore and I actually want to go on some dates with people now instead of wallow in pity. I dont think of him nearly as much. Mainly I have accepted that we will not get back together and I understand how he feels (most of the time, with a few lapses). Now I just have to get the confidence back that love does last and that someone will one day love me without falling out of love with me for no apparent reason.

 

Its like I understand how you could not really love someone that much and then just kind of lose it all, and maybe this was the problem and he was just really good at faking it. I will be stumbling through questions for a bit longer but I am moving on....

 

I really am sorry this is so long but I feel so much better...A weight has been lifted. Thanks for letting me blabber although I am sure its against the rules somehow.

[dijenush]

who would want a real relationship? who would like to choose being with someone if that fact alone doesn't compensate for the discomfort produced by the change from living alone to living with smb else, accepting his/her ideas/ habits etc?

 

As a consequence, all realtionships are somewhat delusional. The very fact that people get involved makes them think subjectively and analyze everything from their point of view. This point of view can be more or less delusional, but it still is delusional. Nobody can be truly objective in a relationship, because that would mean being cold and not involved. so...dunno, i guess i choose delusions (although i would like them lasting forever)

[Thinkalot]

A real relationship is my choice, and what I believe I currently have.

 

It has more chance of lasting the longhaul. Like many, ours started as a delusional one, where we both saw what we wanted to see, but it is very real, and very loving and true, with all its good and bad, now.

[dyermaker]

I want my freaking delusion back.

[Spira]

I am coming out of a long delusional relationship that went to hell. The delusional relationship does not last. I would give anything to be able to have a real relationship with him, but it just isn't going to happen.