Shutting people out.. question

[Hindsight_is_20_20]

My boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago and he told me not to contact him anymore. I haven't. We were together for 2 years. I know it's over and I'm trying move on in my life, there are just a few things I stir over in my head that make it more difficult.

 

He told me over and over in our relationship that he is able to "shut people out". He is estranged from his mom (he has a strong strong hatred towards her) and his dad died a few years back from a heart attack (he blames his mom for this because of his stress). When his dad was alive and my ex was younger, his dad would beat him. But he idolized his dad when he later found out his dad had a brain tumor and said this was the reason for the abuse. He said that "shutting people out" is what trauma victims due when they are hurt by someone.

 

He was what I would call "obsessed" with me our entire relationship. I have pictures in my phone of him calling me 100 times in a row with 10-15 voicemails of him just angry talking about what a terrible person I am or what I did wrong. Usually the fights were over him not respecting me, going through my things, his jealousy. I rarely questioned him about anything like other girls, or his whereabouts but when I did, all hell was raised on his end and then it inevitably turned into what's wrong with me.

 

I got sick of it on numerous occasions and tried to end it but I loved him too much and his constant calling/texting/showing up at my work/bringing me flowers always brought me back.

 

This time was different. I initiated the argument the final time over him disrespecting me (surprise) and I said I was done with our reltaionship, I couldn't handle it anymore. After the argument he tried calling me the next morning a few times and then I heard nothing for 4 days.

 

I missed him and wondered how he was doing so I finally broke down and called to ask him how he was doing. He just was frantically mad on the phone, laid out how much he hated me, was done with me, finally shut me out like he said he was going to and was almost laughing between the "eff yous".

 

I saw him once after that to deal with a few things and he was stone cold to me, acted like I wasn't even a human being, it was hurtful and beyond strange to me.

 

I've never shut someone out.. no less went from being in love with someone to feeling nothing in a matter of days. I know he has issues, and I was blinded by it for 2 years because of how I felt about him. I met his aunt once while she was visiting and she pulled me aside just to tell me that he had a lot of issues. I was too in love with him to leave him then, though.

 

I was just wondering if anyone else does this and can shed some light on the subject..

[Jamesblame]

Some people do this as a way of protecting their feelings.

 

I'm in the same boat as you. I have an easy time separating the failed relationship from the friendship. It's not so easy with other people. And unfortunately, it really hurts for people like you and me.

 

But the best thing to do is to forgive them for acting the way they do, forgiving yourself for caring (it's not a bad trait), and then moving on. Grieve, mourn, cry, be depressed. Get healthy.

[esteem-jam]

I sort of understand your ex. I have taken too much cr*p from others, allowing others in my life, so sometimes I decide enough is enough and I wont deal with them anymore.

 

I advice to take you and remember what you decide - cut out the cursing from him and remember the good times.

I think if you were genuinely good to him in the relationship, he will remember it, he will feel guilty ... when his wall of pride will be down, he will contact you. But it will be ony a short frame of time, then he will go back and remember what you did "bad" to him and how you "misbehaved", I can assure you he has pretty high standarts.

 

It might be he thinks you owe him some amount of attention, love and respect. I think that critical *amount* was not reached in the relationship, therefore he was frustrated with you and disappointed.

(speaking from my sick of mind ;p)

[Hindsight_is_20_20]

Thanks for the replies. It's true about the attention. He was always saying he was fighting for it. I have two kids from a previous marriage that I have most of the time. Their dad is around but lives an hour from us. He sees them about 5 days a month. My ex was always vocal that I didn't give him enough of my time. But the first year he didn't work, didn't have a car, lived with me and would seemingly stew over the fact that I wasn't there constantly. On the weekends I wanted to do things but he wanted me to just stay home and not go out, watch tv or movies all day. I'm okay with doing this, but sometimes I'd like us to go do something like go to dinner or see a band play or something, but he never had any money because he wasn't working at the time.

 

Right before we broke up he got a full time job and found a decent car. Once he started to get his **** together he just threw me away. It's hard not to think I was used our entire relationship. He's an extreme narcissist. He would outwardly comment on how attractive he was, how he could get any girl, and how he was going to make a lot of money one day; that it was only a matter of time.

 

I just recently moved and found a letter from a credit agency denying him credit that he applied for (I didn't know this) and it listed foreclosure, garnishment..something about taxes..and 5+ other things that were all pretty bad. I know he short sold his home at one point (so he says) but now it's leaving me to question everything. I feel like I lived with someone for 2 years and I have no idea who they really were. It's making me question my own sanity.

 

Im really having a hard time tonight. It's like I'm dealing with a breakup and the realization that he may have never cared for me to begin with. Plus, I have like one close friend, who my ex hated, because me ex was so controlling I could never keep friends around. There was a problem with every single one of them. A lot of times it would be how they look, their past, things he had no right to judge them on. I mean, he didn't even know them!?

 

It's so crazy to me. All of this. I just am not sure how to rebuild my life. I feel like nothing makes me happy anymore and everyone I meet I'm weary of now. I think everyone is a shady person. Especially guys. I feel like all they want is sex and I'm not ready for that at all. I don't want to find another guy, I'd like to just feel okay being alone. I just can't help but continue to go over this in my head. I know it comes down to just accepting that I won't find out all of the answers but I'm just left feeling like I will never really know if and when I find a good guy if he's really who he says he is.

[Pirouette]

This guy sounds like a complete and total nightmare. It seems like he operates at the extreme ends of the spectrum, incredibly high or rock bottom, I love you or I hate you. That's why he can shut down and shut people out like they're nothing. Either he wants everything to do with you and all of your attention or you're dead to him.

 

So can you tell me exactly what it was that you loved about him?

[Hindsight_is_20_20]

This guy sounds like a complete and total nightmare. It seems like he operates at the extreme ends of the spectrum, incredibly high or rock bottom, I love you or I hate you. That's why he can shut down and shut people out like they're nothing. Either he wants everything to do with you and all of your attention or you're dead to him.

 

So can you tell me exactly what it was that you loved about him?

 

Ya, this is spot on. I could never give him enough of myself. And he took all of "me" out of my life. Forget having a day to myself, that was one less day that I was spending with him and it was all about him.

 

He completely brainwashed me.. and I know this in my heart of hearts. I think my brain is just still computing it. He said I would never find someone again like him, that he loved me despite all of my issues (I don't think I have a ton of them but he continuously said this), no one is going to want to integrate themselves into my life because of my kids, no one else will love me forever.

 

Just awful mind f****. At first perfect, when I fell for him it was so intense on both sides and we spend as much time together as we could. But so does everyone in the beginning?? At some point you have to go to your job, deal with your responsibilities right?? I still loved him with everything that I had but it was never enough.

 

Near the end months he bought me flowers once a week... said that no one else would do that for someone. Now I think he bought them so he could feel better about himself. It's hard to think he ever genuinely cared about me. Especially how it ended. No disregard for how broken he would leave me (or my kids), I feel like if he had the chance to spit on me on the way out he would have. He threw me into the wall at our storage place the last time I saw him while we were arguing.

 

I know I know, great guy. I'm sick, I know it. I'm really am trying to see this for what it is. I know I'm lucky to be rid of him. It's just taking me awhile to recover from 2 years of being told I can't live without him. I guess I just really started to believe it.

[Pirouette]

Like you said, you're starting to see things as they really were. You're making progress right? Don't beat yourself up for missing him, for thinking about him, for still having feelings for him despite your eyes being opened.

 

It's like when someone you care about passes away. Logically you know that they're gone forever, and that there really is no point in missing them, loving them, and thinking about them anymore, but you can't just turn those feelings off. There's no switch you can flip. The only thing that works is time, time to reflect, to grieve, and time to move on.

 

The end of this relationship was in many ways the death of a dream, the dream of being happy, of being loved, of having a patner for life. It's ok to feel sad about that, to miss the idea of it, and to take time to move on.

 

You say you can't think of a reason to be happy. I can think of two really big ones. They need you. Think about what a positive message you can send your kids when they see mom pick herself up from a bad situation and grow stronger from it, and never fall back into it again. You need to do this for them and for yourself. You need to never put them in such a dangerous and damaging situation ever again.

 

I know it's hard to not think about why he did the things he did, how he could treat you like that, and what he thinks about you. You need to let it go. It's not important, not anymore. You won't learn anything from it. It won't help you heal. You said yourself he had problems and issues that were a mile long. He's sick and that's all the explanation you need.

 

You need to focus on you. Ask yourself why you would allow anyone to treat you like that. Ask yourself why you stayed so long. Ask yourself what you can do to prevent this in the future. Find the answer to these questions because you need to, for yourself and your kids. Tell yourself that you will never allow this to happen again.

 

There should be self-help books that people can recommend that can help you. Therapy is another good option if that is available.

 

I wish you luck.

[Hindsight_is_20_20]

Thanks Pirouette. You're right, they are my reason and they deserve to have me healthy again. I'm working on it.

[broken-and-lost]

Hi i just wanted to put something in from his point of view chances are he is suffering with PTSD and depression as a result of his trauma.

 

I'm not defending his actions but you should at least understand a lot of the time it's not his fault as you start to lose your reasoning and judgement. You become consumed with the pain, arguments only go to re-enforce your insecurities as you start to worry more about losing your partner as part of you is trying to let this person into your life share everything the other part which is afraid and suffering is fighting against it.

 

You become very destructive towards yourself and your relationship thinking the best thing to do is push the person you love away to stop the hurt as you think your undeserving of being loved by them.

 

Just try to understand that he needs to find help for it and what he has said is probably just a result of the depression but i'm not saying you haven't made the right choice just that understand and forgive the way he is acting it's the PTSD and the fact he has not resolved all the pain from past events.

 

I'm saying this because i suffered similar in my relationship and i pushed the girl i loved the most in the world away instead of asking her to help i acted very out of character ,i loved her so much and when she left it hurt so badly it still hurts even today and that was almost 2 years ago i was in the middle of getting help when she left but it's a long road to healing for something like PTSD so i don't blame her.

 

i look back on some of the things i did and said at the time with shame she to this day still blames me for everything which is very harsh as i'm a very caring person and i loved her so much still do. i tried to write her explain about what was wrong after i had treatment a few times when your going through it and acting that way you really don't know your acting so badly.

 

He now is protecting what ever feeling he has left and is probably hurting a lot try to forgive him if nothing else and remember the better days the person you fell for as that's probably who he really is deep down. But also look after yourself only he can decided to fix his problems not you

 

Be well