nevadagirl Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 (edited) Every few days, which turned into weeks, then eventually months there'd be a Can we be friends? email or empty message, usually timed in such a manner that if I took the bait and got curious about his life I'd get a very unpleasant reality check. I quit the whole dating profile crap and decided to just you know, be single and try to enjoy it. I have a meetup.com profile and I joined a karaoke meetup about 2 weeks ago. (And I actually checked out all of the members to make sure he wasn't on it that's how paranoid I got about running into him on the internet). So I get this message on meetup of all places where he comments on my picture and of course says "Can we be friends?" According to the site he joined the karaoke meetup about a week after I did. He isn't a member of anything else. This isn't a new meetup group so they wouldn't have mass emailed everyone who had an interest in karaoke about it. I just joined it because I started going out with one of my girlfriends a lot who loves to karaoke and she's a member. I guess I'm wondering if I'm being e-stalked or if that is actually a coincidence? I don't really have an internet footprint - you can't google me and find anything interesting about me. I dunno. Makes me wonder. But I did get him interested in karaoke back when we were together so I know he enjoys it too but the timing is just...weird. To me. =\ Anyway. I felt a twinge of panic when I first saw the dumb message but I didn't feel hurt about the "let's be friends" comment. For several months after our breakup it was really painful when he wouldn't stop reminding me that he didn't want to be with me just really wanted to be friends for whatever reason. (Which I figure was just validation for him) Because of the way he's done in the past I figure him bothering me now probably means he has a girlfriend or something but I don't really want to know and won't take the bait. But some part of me feels like a chicken for ignoring him. I guess not being hurt by the "can we be friends" part is progress, right? Edited July 21, 2012 by nevadagirl Link to post Share on other sites
Jamesblame Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 You can certainly be friends. You just need to have moved on with your life in order to do so. Your romantic feelings must be severed and left to be buried. You can be friends with your ex once you think of your ex as you do your other friends. you don't care who they're dating, you don't need them to call and keep in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
Dblock10 Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 how do you mean he is asking you so that he can feel validated, what does that actually mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevadagirl Posted July 25, 2012 Author Share Posted July 25, 2012 You can certainly be friends. You just need to have moved on with your life in order to do so. Your romantic feelings must be severed and left to be buried. You can be friends with your ex once you think of your ex as you do your other friends. you don't care who they're dating, you don't need them to call and keep in touch. I left out what a bad boyfriend and worse ex boyfriend he was. He's not a good guy. His motives don't ever come from a good place. After we broke up he was hell bent on making sure I knew he was having a very good time. I don't really see how I could be friends with someone like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevadagirl Posted July 25, 2012 Author Share Posted July 25, 2012 (edited) how do you mean he is asking you so that he can feel validated, what does that actually mean? Um it means that he doesn't actually care about my well being or me as a person or any kind of friendship he cares about knowing he still has some kind of effect on me/my life. He did this terrible song and dance with when we were together with his first ex girlfriend. He really wanted to be friends with her and she didn't want to be friends with him. The day she decided she wanted to be friends he didn't care if they were or not because he was validated. He actually said those words! And that's how he treated me after I made the mistake of contacting him months and months ago. Wouldn't leave me the hell alone and then when I contacted him he acted sooo indifferent. Very bad times at my house. =) Edited July 25, 2012 by nevadagirl Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 I left out what a bad boyfriend and worse ex boyfriend he was. He's not a good guy. His motives don't ever come from a good place. After we broke up he was hell bent on making sure I knew he was having a very good time. I don't really see how I could be friends with someone like that. And before you ask whether you are completely over him, whether you have moved on, whether your romantic feelings have been severed, the very, very important first question you must ask yourself is: would you want to be friends? If your answer is "no", then full stop. You don't need to do any more thinking. Please DON'T think you "owe" him anything, that you should be friends, or that you're being (petty/childish/immature/chicken/whatever) if you refuse to be friends. Don't get pushed into it. It's simple: if you don't want to, then don't. Moving on means leaving behind what you don't want to take with you. If there's nothing to be gained by engaging him, then don't do it. That's not chicken, it's just mature and sensible to decide not to get caught up in his game. You can certainly be friends. You just need to have moved on with your life in order to do so. Your romantic feelings must be severed and left to be buried. You can be friends with your ex once you think of your ex as you do your other friends. you don't care who they're dating, you don't need them to call and keep in touch. All this is reasonable advice, but it assumes you have a desire to be friends. If you don't (and I think the OP might not) then it's moot. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 I left out what a bad boyfriend and worse ex boyfriend he was. He's not a good guy. His motives don't ever come from a good place. After we broke up he was hell bent on making sure I knew he was having a very good time. I don't really see how I could be friends with someone like that. It's possible for someone to be a lousy husband/boyfriend and still OK on the platonic level. I haven't seen anything in your postings so far to indicate this is evident. Hence, my advice would be black hole NC to heal yourself completely and move on to people who are healthy friend material. Perhaps, someday, that group might include him. For now, nah... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevadagirl Posted July 25, 2012 Author Share Posted July 25, 2012 And before you ask whether you are completely over him, whether you have moved on, whether your romantic feelings have been severed, the very, very important first question you must ask yourself is: would you want to be friends? If your answer is "no", then full stop. You don't need to do any more thinking. Please DON'T think you "owe" him anything, that you should be friends, or that you're being (petty/childish/immature/chicken/whatever) if you refuse to be friends. Don't get pushed into it. It's simple: if you don't want to, then don't. Moving on means leaving behind what you don't want to take with you. If there's nothing to be gained by engaging him, then don't do it. That's not chicken, it's just mature and sensible to decide not to get caught up in his game. -- Hey, thanks for this thoughtful response. = ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author nevadagirl Posted July 25, 2012 Author Share Posted July 25, 2012 It's possible for someone to be a lousy husband/boyfriend and still OK on the platonic level. I haven't seen anything in your postings so far to indicate this is evident. Hence, my advice would be black hole NC to heal yourself completely and move on to people who are healthy friend material. Perhaps, someday, that group might include him. For now, nah... I always thought if I had just known him under different circumstances we'd probably have ended up great friends. But after all I've been through and put up with and how many low points after his merciless mind games...=\ Part of me is sad about that. I wish I could actually give him a response because I don't think talking to him would actually hurt me at this point but...I just won't ever believe his requests for friendships are genuine. If they were a big fat I'm sorry for treating you so badly after our breakup should be the sentence right before Can we be friends? At least...in my opinion. It'd just be embracing a "friendship" with someone I already know doesn't care about me. Just...doesn't make any sense to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
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