I'm having some trouble "forgiving and forgetting"

[carmendee]

Hello All,

 

I suppose I should start from the beginning. My husband and I are college students. I've been enrolled in a pretty great school and he's been going to community college' trying to build his credits and grades to get into my school. We've been married for three years as of February. My husband is also 26 years old.

 

With the start of the spring semester in January, he acquired a new friend named Rebecca. From the start I had my doubts about their relationship. He suddenly started texting a lot, and staying up late, skyping with her and messaging her on Facebook. Which was all out of character for him. After about a month, I expressed my concerns about it, and his response was simply "We're just friends" and nothing changed.

 

So of course my crazy girl side took over and i started snooping. I found inappropriate messages where he's told her that he's so in love with her, that he cries over her and informs her that he's fighting hard to keep her in his life because she's so special. I confronted him one day, only telling him that I had proof something was going on. He admitted that they'd had a "show and tell" session on skype with each other and that was it. When he found out I had been reading his messages, he changed all of his passwords and locked me out.

 

I had made it very clear to both Rebecca and my husband that she was not welcome in my home, yet as soon as I left, she was here. But throughout the entire ordeal, all he would say is "We're just friends, we're just friends". But I had spoken to her myself and she is under the impression that my husband was leaving me to be with her.

 

Back in May or so, my husband was accepted into the university I attend and since the spring semester ended, things have supposedly tapered off between them. I know that despite all my efforts to get him to stop, he didn't. When he had supposedly ended it with her, he simply said that he "was not allowed to talk to her anymore". Which of course puts everything on me, making me controlling. She's made TWO fake facebook accounts to talk to him (since she had been blocked) and contacted him through a mutual friend's account.

 

The dilemma is that I can't trust him, I don't even know if I should. Luckily we don't have children and I still don't even have proof he actually had intercourse with her. But he's been lying and sneaking for six months. I was told that after the semester ended he would have no reason to see or speak with her again, since they no longer had class together. Yet, one night he told me he was going to hang out with one of his only guy friends, and I find out that he actually went to hang out with Rebecca. Since then, he's basically stoppped going out, but he still hides his phone and deletes his internet history. About four days ago i saw that he had used one of the fake facebook accounts and that he'd contacted her.

 

I don't know what to do, I feel like I've tried everything I can. We haven't been to counselling because I don't believe it will help when he's still in contact with this girl. I've only highlighted certain things I've found here. And a few days ago, he offered this explanation for his behavior: He said that he's just "one of those jerk guys" who enjoys attention from other girls, that he basically needs this attention. He said he doesn't care about them, he just basically uses them. He said that he only cares about me and that he knows he crossed a line with the "show and tell session". But to me, it's worse that he told this girl he loved her. At the very least, he actively perpetuated her feelings for him and encouraged her homewrecking behavior. I'm struggling with myself mostly, thinking "why do I let this happen? Why am I still dealing with this?" He's been lying to me for months and he still shows evidence that he's sneaking because he never leaves his phone in sight, it's always in his pocket or stashed away somewhere.

 

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I can't seem to get myself to let any of this go. I don't see remorse, I don't see a real change. Yeah, he stopped going out, but that's about it. For six months, my broken heart didn't seem to keep him from continuing whatever he was doing with Rebecca. I feel like this will happen again. He says he loves me and that he's not going anywhere and that he won't do it again. But I'm seeing conflicting actions. Can anyone provide any insight?

 

I suppose I forgot to mention a few things that are sort of important. Supposedly she's moving to another state sometime soon (not forever, but for at least a semester). And supposedly my husband hasn't talked to her (other than the fake facebook account) since May-ish.

 

Things he's stopped doing/changed:

Going out

He hasn't been texting nearly as much

He's given me his facebook password

After I saw and confronted him about the fake account he'd used, he called her to reiterate that they will not be on speaking terms

 

BUT:

he keeps his phone hidden and when I ask who he's texting or who's calling him etc, he gets angry with me for asking.

 

Given the fact that he's been caught using another facebook account (he says that SHE made it for him, either way, still ridiculous), I don't take much comfort in the fact that I have access to his actual account.

 

With the recent phone call, it was yet again: "We can't speak" rather than, "I don't want to hear from you again, I will not be contacting you again" which sends very different messages.

 

Things I've tried:

I have given him the ultimatum: Her or me (and it didn't work at all because to him, i was trying to get rid of "a good friend" so all it did was cause more problems)

 

I've gone to counselling myself because this whole thing basically destroyed me. He was my best friend and I thought the world of him, and that all came crashing down.

 

I've tried talking to her about it. In the beginning I asked her to back off and I've laid out the situation. But of course she responds back with things that are very hurtful, saying that my husband has told her that he never loved me and that i'm stupid for staying with him and that he's going to leave me etc. She's only 19. In the state I live, the OW can actually be sued as well and held responsible for her role in the marriage break up. I've even contacted her parents about it. Obviously I didn't give many details, but the basic jist. But nothing came of that either.

 

--------------------

 

I understand the idea of the EA but with HIS explanation ("I'm THAT guy), he claims he has no emotional ties and that emotionally, he doesn't care. I've had both opinions on it myself. Clearly I knew that the whole "we're just friends" was a complete load. And my first instict was that there was at least an EA. However, he is the type to use people. He did use her to do a lot of his homework in that class (IE she did it for him). So I wouldn't be surprised that he's been using her emotionally as well. And he's VERY non-confrontational. So his solution was that he'd just stop talking to her and she'd go away. (which obviously didn't happen).

 

And yes, I'm sure I'm being used as well. He and I are quite opposite. So I have many qualities he lacks and vice versa.

 

Like I said before, I have a lot of inner conflict. I don't know what to believe about his motivations. He's flirtatious and non-confrontational, so the "Jerk" theory makes sense. And emotionally, i'd prefer to believe that over the EA theory. Overall, things have gotten better, because he's at least not so obvious that he's been talking to her. But of course I can't monitor fake or secret accounts. He also doesn't think it's a big deal that he occasionally "says hi". Which it clearly is to me at the very least.

 

I don't mean to paint this picture like a sinking ship, because it may or may not be. I am definitely bias on this. I'm just hoping for some clarity and inner peace. Maybe hoping to get a general consensus of what the real reason is for his behavior.

 

Thanks! and Sorry for the very long post!

[Philosoraptor]

He doesn't seem to be doing much to try and earn your trust back. You have zero reason to trust him and he's still not being an open book with you like he should in order to fix this relationship.

 

He does seem like "that" guy as you say. But that guy being a cheat. He had his affair girl in your home and nothing happened? You're doing nothing but deluding yourself.

[Sugarkane]

He doesn't sound worried at all about the situation. It sounds like he's using this teenager, but Also you aswell. The I'm a jerk excuse is extremely lame. He doesn't take his marriage vows seriously at all.