Lurker seeking some input

[LostJustLost]

I'm not big on posting much, I'm a lurker. The only place you'll find much from me is the Post Here instead of contacting your ex thread. Long story short, last Sept. the man who held my heart in his hands messaged that he loved me, missed me and that he would be back soon.

 

I did not hear from him again. It about ended me. I came here, I talked to someone on a random chat I stumbled onto, I read thread after thread, learned ways to cope, and over the past months, I've healed.

 

Fast foreward to a few days ago. I found a lump, which is NOT cancer but it scared the living hell outta me. 2 members of my family have both had a lump removed from the same spot I discovered this one. My sister isn't doing so hot. My cousin just had the surgery so no one knows for sure how chemo is gonna affect her. Straight up, I thought I was a goner.

 

I spent the days pretending it wasn't there, there is no need to raise the alarm until you know what you're sounding it for. I spent the nights looking at it in the mirror thinking about my life and my mortality. I didn't want to vocalize my fears so I didn't. I kept it to myself. My doctor was not available until this morning and after a closer examination he found a tiny bite mark that you can't see with out the magnification light thing. Whatever nailed me managed to bite me directly above a lymph-node and seriously put the fear of god in me.

 

After weeks, months of not thinking about him every minute of every day, of not crumbling from the indescribable pain that so many here know so well, he was the one person I really wanted to talk to when I found it. I spent a few days considering my own mortality and now that the red flag has been taken out of the picture, I still feel that I should break NC. I want to tell him he was the one I thought of at first, that I feel it's time to clear the air. To tell him I forgive him, that I sincerely wish him nothing but the best.

 

Do I break NC for a one time email? It's not a question of will he care, I don't want to "talk", I don't want to pretend to be friends. It's about forgiveness. That said, why is this so important to me? Important enough to come out of lurking and ask y'all for your thoughts on something so minor. It's just an email, and yet, I honestly don't know what I should do.

Edited May 3, 2012 by LostJustLost
*sigh* typo

[Mr Scorpio]

If there were ever a good reason to break NC and send a forgiving e-mail, facing your own mortality would be it. Even though you're in the clear, the scare was still enough to give you perspective. IF you think you could withstand hearing anything that he might have to say (i.e. -- I'm married, I have a child on the way, etc, etc) then I say go ahead and send the e-mail. Otherwise? Don't risk tearing open the wound.

[NeverDated]

If there were ever a good reason to break NC and send a forgiving e-mail, facing your own mortality would be it. Even though you're in the clear, the scare was still enough to give you perspective. IF you think you could withstand hearing anything that he might have to say (i.e. -- I'm married, I have a child on the way, etc, etc) then I say go ahead and send the e-mail. Otherwise? Don't risk tearing open the wound.

I'm going to go completely opposite and say that is one of the worst reasons to break NC. You're feeling emotionally vulnerable and want that safe place. He is not that safe place. He is the one who made you promises and led you on, only to leave you feeling abandoned.

 

Is it at all possible that part of you (no matter how minuscule) wants to jump on a legitimate excuse to contact him? It may seem like a good reason, but I'm of the opinion you should only break NC when you are ready for it, not as a reactionary measure to an outside incident.

 

If I were you, I would table the idea until you know how your family is doing and you've mentally recovered from the scare. If it's solely for forgiveness, you will still be ready to do it in several weeks or months.