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It isn't the loss of relationship that gets to me...


Gulf-Delta

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Gulf-Delta

It's the loss of a friend. :(

 

When the relationship ended, I wasn't OKAY with it, but I feel like I accepted it was over fairly quickly/well.

 

I remember the night we broke up (and the "hard" nights I still have sometimes) and I went to my mother's and cried like a baby for 2 hours and I remember the thing that hurt the most was that I was losing my best friend.

 

Relationships come and go, I get that. But looking back on the journal I've been keeping and going through my memories, the thing that hurts the most is my friend leaving me behind.

 

It's not the relationship I'm going to miss so much (though it was incredible), it's that my best friend is gone.

 

Before we dated, we had an amazing friendship. And I thought, when we split, that we'd still be friends. And I do want to be still.

 

I guess I'm just saying, the breakup is the easy part. Losing my friend is the part that almost makes me cry. After the split I kinda figured we'd move on to other people and relationships, but we'd always still stay in touch, because of the bond we shared. This is not the case. She's cutting me out completely and that's what hurts the most.

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Mr Scorpio

Sorry to hear about your situation. I can certainly identify with the pain you're describing. I was friends with my ex for years before we ever dated. However, for me, being friends with her is not a realistic option because it would hurt too much. Your ex might reach a point where she is comfortable being friends with you. Give it, and yourself, some time.

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Gulf-Delta
Sorry to hear about your situation. I can certainly identify with the pain you're describing. I was friends with my ex for years before we ever dated. However, for me, being friends with her is not a realistic option because it would hurt too much. Your ex might reach a point where she is comfortable being friends with you. Give it, and yourself, some time.

 

She wanted to be friends, and so did I (mistakenly, I admit), but everytime I contacted her to hang out, she always had something better to do.

 

That's what makes this whole thing harder. Unlike most people who hate thier ex and cut them out completely, I'm willing to be friends, with no intention of dating.

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She wanted to be friends, and so did I (mistakenly, I admit), but everytime I contacted her to hang out, she always had something better to do.

 

That's because she doesn't give a crap anymore. If she did, she would make time. Knowing she doesn't give a crap should make it easier to move on.

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smokey bear

I agree, having someone drop out of your life that was in it so long, for me, was the hardest thing to deal with.

 

I miss my friend too.

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i am going through the same thing. I was with my xGF for 10 years. In a relationship standpoint, it didnt always work out but we were the best of friends.

 

She said friends wasnt a good idea (history showed 'being friends' eventually switched back to lovers)

 

i miss hanging out with her and her boy, doing all the things we enjoyed together.

 

Losing the friend hurts more, yes.

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I can completely identify with this - and it does suck :/

 

Me and my ex were best friends for 2 years before we got together, and then had a further 2 year relationship. Now, being so close to someone (for what is a long time for a 16 year old) and then loosing them just like that is the worst feeling.

 

 

I just have to remember that, if he doesn't want to be friends with you, there's plenty people that will, it's just finding them x

Easier said than done on course, especially if like me you have to see him everyday moving on with NEW friends

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SilverBlueAndGold

It's very common and natural to feel this way. I went through the exact same thing and losing a friend is never easy.

 

Stay strong...it sounds trite but time passing will take the edge off the sting.

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Gulf-Delta
That's because she doesn't give a crap anymore. If she did, she would make time. Knowing she doesn't give a crap should make it easier to move on.

 

Why are you so cynical about everything? :eek:

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BewitchedandBothered

He's not being cynical; he's keeping it real. And is it a true friend that drops out of your life and no longer wants to be a part of it? Think about that. Also, we all start off relationships as 'friends' and many on here swear that they are best friends with that person; makes me shake my head every time. They weren't your 'best friend'. They were a friend who turned into a lover and they don't want to be friends/lovers anymore. You have other friends...would you feel this way if they dropped out of your life? Are any of those your best friends?

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esteem-jam
Why are you so cynical about everything?

I doubt he was being cynical, or intentionally rude, rather he tried to help you deal with it. We all here are on your team, I think =)

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Gulf-Delta
He's not being cynical; he's keeping it real. And is it a true friend that drops out of your life and no longer wants to be a part of it? Think about that. Also, we all start off relationships as 'friends' and many on here swear that they are best friends with that person; makes me shake my head every time. They weren't your 'best friend'. They were a friend who turned into a lover and they don't want to be friends/lovers anymore. You have other friends...would you feel this way if they dropped out of your life? Are any of those your best friends?

 

Well, that's what I'm getting at. She's changed and not around, that's why I miss her...

 

I miss being accepted. I miss being valued unconditionally. I miss having someone to laugh with. I miss hanging out with someone who understands my thoughts and sense of humor. I miss having a person who liked my quirks and eccentricities. I miss having someone who liked to talk intellectually.

 

It's that I had a person who did all those things, and they suddenly flipped. That's what hurts most. For a long time, I accepted that no one will ever "get me" and "choose me". Until I met her. Then I thought, "Everything is okay. I met someone who understands and actually likes/loves me for me". And then it was all ripped away.

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BewitchedandBothered
Well, that's what I'm getting at. She's changed and not around, that's why I miss her...

 

I miss being accepted. I miss being valued unconditionally. I miss having someone to laugh with. I miss hanging out with someone who understands my thoughts and sense of humor. I miss having a person who liked my quirks and eccentricities. I miss having someone who liked to talk intellectually.

 

It's that I had a person who did all those things, and they suddenly flipped. That's what hurts most. For a long time, I accepted that no one will ever "get me" and "choose me". Until I met her. Then I thought, "Everything is okay. I met someone who understands and actually likes/loves me for me". And then it was all ripped away.

 

did you ever read that poem about people entering our lives for a reason, a season and a lifetime? Basically it tells us that some people come into our lives to teach us something----in your case, maybe she was brought into your life to show you that you are capable of loving and are not destined to be alone. For whatever reason, the ex had her own agenda in life.

 

You will have all that good stuff again; time will heal you from this pain you feel right now and then when you least expect it, someone worthy will come along. Also, not sure if people really change as much as true colors finally emerge. You want someone who is true to themselves. *(HUGS) to you.

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Gulf-Delta
did you ever read that poem about people entering our lives for a reason, a season and a lifetime? Basically it tells us that some people come into our lives to teach us something----in your case, maybe she was brought into your life to show you that you are capable of loving and are not destined to be alone. For whatever reason, the ex had her own agenda in life.

 

You will have all that good stuff again; time will heal you from this pain you feel right now and then when you least expect it, someone worthy will come along. Also, not sure if people really change as much as true colors finally emerge. You want someone who is true to themselves. *(HUGS) to you.

 

But I don't want to wait another 19 years before I find somebody.

 

I grew so attached to this woman for a lot of reasons. She accepted me. Made me feel good about myself. She thought I was interesting. I know that sounds egotistical, but it was important to me.

 

We were 2 social rejects that found each other, and we always thought there was a reason things happened the way the did. There was just so many things the occured prior to us meeting that seemed like fate was at work, and prior to meeting her, I NEVER believed in that stuff.

 

In high school, females hated me. They thought I was a "nerd" or "gross" or whatever. All superficial stuff, but it still hurt. Then I meet this girl and she's the same as me. We valued each other for what we were, and as we got to know one another, it seemed more and more like it was meant to be. There were just so many things that when we found it it was like "Wow, our whole lives have been building up to us meeting each other"

 

It just hurts to have some really respect you and look at you as a practically a god, and encourage you to do things you never thought you could and pick you up when you're down, and then have that person disappear.

 

There's a photo I've locked away in a box of her and I on our first valentine's together. We're at a fair and she's holding a stuffed animal I won for her. And I'm hugging her and the look in both of our eyes was just so....happy. I was of course happy, but the look in her eyes was so much more. It was confidence, happiness, bliss, excitement. That look on her face is forever in my memory and I'm in tears remembering it right now because I know I'll never get to see that face again.

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BewitchedandBothered
But I don't want to wait another 19 years before I find somebody.

 

I grew so attached to this woman for a lot of reasons. She accepted me. Made me feel good about myself. She thought I was interesting. I know that sounds egotistical, but it was important to me.

 

We were 2 social rejects that found each other, and we always thought there was a reason things happened the way the did. There was just so many things the occured prior to us meeting that seemed like fate was at work, and prior to meeting her, I NEVER believed in that stuff.

 

In high school, females hated me. They thought I was a "nerd" or "gross" or whatever. All superficial stuff, but it still hurt. Then I meet this girl and she's the same as me. We valued each other for what we were, and as we got to know one another, it seemed more and more like it was meant to be. There were just so many things that when we found it it was like "Wow, our whole lives have been building up to us meeting each other"

 

It just hurts to have some really respect you and look at you as a practically a god, and encourage you to do things you never thought you could and pick you up when you're down, and then have that person disappear.

 

There's a photo I've locked away in a box of her and I on our first valentine's together. We're at a fair and she's holding a stuffed animal I won for her. And I'm hugging her and the look in both of our eyes was just so....happy. I was of course happy, but the look in her eyes was so much more. It was confidence, happiness, bliss, excitement. That look on her face is forever in my memory and I'm in tears remembering it right now because I know I'll never get to see that face again.

 

Why do you think you will have to wait 19 years? And what's wrong with a little waiting? What's the rush? Are you using a walker? Is the clock ticking or something?

 

You will find someone who will accept you for you. There is a lid for every pot.

 

you said she looked at you like a 'god'....More than likely that is what happens during the blissful honeymoon period. Then comes reality. Stop putting her on a pedestal...so she accepted you; lots of ladies will. She's not the only fish in the sea.

 

Once you start to love yourself, things will fall into place.

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Gulf-delta. I have recently split and oh my lord, I miss him. I miss his friendship and his love. He was desperate to stay friends. Genuinely believing friends was better than total loss. I had an affair- so it's further complicated.. I have decided to go completely NC. I miss his company every breathing moment of every day since (day 10 today). Really, i ache with

longing for hos cmpany. You might not hear from your ex. But she will be missing you as much as you are clearly mourning her. Give her some time to heal.

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Gulf-Delta
Why do you think you will have to wait 19 years? And what's wrong with a little waiting? What's the rush? Are you using a walker? Is the clock ticking or something?

 

You will find someone who will accept you for you. There is a lid for every pot.

 

you said she looked at you like a 'god'....More than likely that is what happens during the blissful honeymoon period. Then comes reality. Stop putting her on a pedestal...so she accepted you; lots of ladies will. She's not the only fish in the sea.

 

Once you start to love yourself, things will fall into place.

 

How do I make myself wanna let go? I don't want to let go. I want things to get better.

 

We've been broken up for just over 3 months. I initiated NC about 3 weeks ago. When will this all pass. I don't wanna feel like this anymore.

 

It also hurts seeing a person you love pretty much throwing their life away. Running from themselves. That's the part I really hate. She's changing who she is to suit others. She won't admit anything to herself. She just runs and runs and always has. I just never thought "us" would be something she'd run from.

 

Even if she's head over heels in love with me still, at this moment...she'll never admit it. That would mean confronting the pain and the negatvity and she doesn't do that. It's easier to run to booze, partying and "new people"

 

She left me. Towards the end of the relationship, she used me. But as I've have with most people, I've forgiven that. I can accept the end of the relationship and that she may not be in love with me. But I can't bring myself to stop caring about her well being.

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Gulf-Delta
Gulf-delta. I have recently split and oh my lord, I miss him. I miss his friendship and his love. He was desperate to stay friends. Genuinely believing friends was better than total loss. I had an affair- so it's further complicated.. I have decided to go completely NC. I miss his company every breathing moment of every day since (day 10 today). Really, i ache with

longing for hos cmpany. You might not hear from your ex. But she will be missing you as much as you are clearly mourning her. Give her some time to heal.

 

Somedays I believe she'll miss me. I was there for so much. I built her up from a girl to a woman. When we met, she was very fragile. She would cry about her looks, for no reason. We'd be getting ready to go out, she'd start crying about how she was "ugly". I was there to build her self esteem and tell her she wasn't just beautiful on the outside (she is one of the most beautiful women I've laid eyes on, ever) but the inside too. When her sister was pregnant she had pre-eclampsia and seizures causing premature birth of her nephew. I was there when the little boy was born, and I visited her sister with the rest of her family in the hospital everyday. The first time we ever lived away from home, was our 1st apartment together. There's LOTS of other things too. I'm getting off track here, but my point is, I feel like, because I was there for so much, she won't ever forget about me.

 

But on most days, I feel like she won't. As I said before, she runs from negativity. And she's distracting herself, I think. Even if/when she realizes the grass isn't greener with someone else in her new life she's adopted, she'll never admit it because that means she'd have to face the negativity and pain she caused me.

 

Evidently, my 2 best friends (a couple) went to dinner with my ex. I guess she was her "old self" and came alone, which is weird because as of late she's been totally different person

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It's the loss of a friend. :(

 

When the relationship ended, I wasn't OKAY with it, but I feel like I accepted it was over fairly quickly/well.

 

I remember the night we broke up (and the "hard" nights I still have sometimes) and I went to my mother's and cried like a baby for 2 hours and I remember the thing that hurt the most was that I was losing my best friend.

 

Relationships come and go, I get that. But looking back on the journal I've been keeping and going through my memories, the thing that hurts the most is my friend leaving me behind.

 

It's not the relationship I'm going to miss so much (though it was incredible), it's that my best friend is gone.

 

Before we dated, we had an amazing friendship. And I thought, when we split, that we'd still be friends. And I do want to be still.

 

I guess I'm just saying, the breakup is the easy part. Losing my friend is the part that almost makes me cry. After the split I kinda figured we'd move on to other people and relationships, but we'd always still stay in touch, because of the bond we shared. This is not the case. She's cutting me out completely and that's what hurts the most.

 

I can definitely relate....going through the same thing here. Not only am I losing my husband, I'm losing my very best friend. He said we can still be friends, but I'm pretty sure the dynamic has been forever changed and will never be the same. Being cut out of every aspect of his life is definitely what hurts the most for me. Sorry you are going through this. Hope it gets better.

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robkris8079

I think about this often. Of how I lost so much more then a partner, lover, I lost a friend in her and tons of people I truly cherished friendships with that I can no longer associate with. Like her brother and sister.

 

But when I think of losing her as a friend I think of how she acted the last month or so of our relationship. She was no friend to me. So distant and cold. Not wanting to be around me. Life is moving on now without her or any of them. No I don't like it but I have to accept it.

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SilverBlueAndGold
How do I make myself wanna let go? I don't want to let go. I want things to get better.

 

You can't make yourself let go. Oh you can try to tell yourself you don't care or that you don't miss the life you had, but you know that's a lie. So don't try...feel the pain, work through it, be emotional. But don't cling to false hope.

 

It really does get easier over time, the hard news is there are just no shortcuts.

 

Hang in there, but true to yourself!!!

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Hi Gulf-Data,

 

So i used to be on this site fairly regularly before christmas time, and decided it was time to try and stay away for a while. But recently things have got worse for me, and i come back and read your story...and just wanted to let you know, im right there with you mate.

 

My story is pretty long and complicated, but i feel the end results are similar. I am absolutely certain the girl i am in love with is my best friend, the only person who understands me, the only person i can see myself being with. I've done a lot of reading about heartache etc, and everyone alway says time is a healer, but for me, i know i will never be able to let go of her and its killing me.

 

Like i say my story is different, in that we have never been together but she told me at christmas that she wanted something to happen...for a number of reasons nothing ever happened. Now, i dont know where we are, she has just got a job near where i live (before we lived about 2 hours apart), so i wonder if anything will change. I doubt it, but i cant give up hope. I know i am the master of my own downfall, in that (and this will no doubt sound incredibly stupid to most) the only thing that matters to me is feeling loved. My friends all have ambitions of the types of jobs, things they want out of life...for me, i cant even begin to think where i want my life to go, all i feel i need is her. It sounds cliche im sure, but i truly believe that you never know when your last day is, and the only thing that matters to me is having this connection. I duno, i've explained that so badly!

 

I feel exactly the same, in that at the moment i miss the friendship so much. She doesnt do well with stress, and has lots of studying to do at the moment, so we barely talk. Which is so tough to take, because i know, truly, if she felt the same you'd make time....like we used too. The writing is on the wall, and im so aware of it...but like you, i refuse to give up on this. I am a mess all th e time, and even when we do talk now, i end up feeling just a bad, because its never enough...but i cant stop thinking there is always one more thing that could make a difference.

 

Im sorry im rambling now! I could and have talked about this for hours! Just wanted to let you know, you're not alone.

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nanbullen
How do I make myself wanna let go? I don't want to let go. I want things to get better.

 

I hate to say it, but in my experience, the only way to really let go is when you meet somebody else. Maybe if enough time passes, you might let go, but that has never worked for me.

 

It's strange that these people become our closest and most intimate friends, but that friendship is only for as long as the relationship lasts. You’d think if they were such great friends, we’d still want to be friends no matter what. At the very least my best friends wouldn’t treat me like s***, when they’re ready to move on.

 

I know the circumstances of your break-up are different than mine. I totally see how you would want that person at least somehow in your life. I miss all the good things too, and the things we had in common, etc. I guess for me it would be too hard to be friends with somebody who doesn’t feel the same way about me (not to mention seeing them with their new partner would be pure torture). It would be too hard for me to move on with my life. I unfriended my ex on facebook because it was too depressing to see his face. I think, out of sight out of mind, is the easier than torturing myself with reminders and triggers.

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