Need help; do I continue to ignore him?

[DivaGirl]

I could use some advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for six months. For the first three, we never fought and everything was great. And then we began to fight, although it was never anything really truly bad. For the most part, it centered around his unwillingness to call me to let me know if he was going to go out, hang out with his friends, work late, whatever. Every time I'd get very angry and he'd apologize and promise not to do it again. It finally culminated into a break up on New Year's eve. We had been spending the past week together, but that night I just didn't feel well. I asked him if he'd mind just hanging out with me. He said that he wanted to hang out with me AND his friends. So I, out of curiosity, asked him who he'd rather hang out with if he had to choose. Stupid move on my part, I know. He said his friends. So finally I relented, because I didn't want to be without him on New Year's eve. I told him I'd be going over to his house. He said ok. I get there an hour later, and he's gone. Apparently he had been out for an hour already. After waiting in my car for half an hour, shivering, all dressed up, he and two of his friends finally showed up. They had gone out to eat without letting me know.

 

So tha did it. I broke up with him, because I was tired of his consideration, even though I still wanted to be with him. So for a week he kept telling me he wanted to be with me, but he kept going to his friends' houses. I know he's not cheating because he kept asking me to come over, but his friends are really obnoxious and I don't enjoy spending time with them. Anyway...

 

So last Thursday he finally started spending time with me again after I told him that I was leaving. I hate that I have be the one to keep initiating it. That night he told me he wasn't going to make me feel bad anymore, that he loved me more than anything, and that he was going to start calling me. On Sunday he spent the entire day at my house, and we had a great time. Didn't fight once. Last night I was sad about other things, and told him that I didn't want to keep a leash on him anymore, and that he didn't have to call me if he didn't want to to check in with me, but that doing it long-term would make me feel insignificant to him. I then told him to go be with his friends, even though he was concerned about me because I was crying. I wasn't crying about him, and I told him so. So we hung up, and I decided that today I was going to let him call me. Has he called? No. I can't really call him and complain after last night, but still....he KNOWS that it makes me feel left out and ignored when he doesn't even call just to say hi. And after I was so upset last night, you'd think he'd be curious about how I'm doing today. But if I call him again, it'll just start the cycle all over again. How can someone so nice who claims to love me so much just ignore me? I don't want to call him, but I'm starting to feel weak. Ideally, I want him to notice that I haven't called him, and start worrying a bit and actually call me for once. I don't know. I'm so hurt and close to panicking right now, wondering what's going on. For the record, we're both adults. His first real relationship, not my first.

[yes]

Go to a bookstore and get "why men love bitches", girl! It's gonna be well worth the twenty bucks for you, trust me!!

 

good luck,

-yes

[RobertoPNW]

DivaGirl I'm not wanting to disrespect you or your situation but you have to check out this link for that book:

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I just thought it was kinda funny.

[XNemesisX]

That is too funny!

[moimeme]

Diva

 

I don't think you were being a bitch at all. If you are supposed to be a couple, then supposedly you keep each other up to date on your plans so one of you isn't left waiting like a fool for the other. It's only courtesy.

 

As for you, it's classic. For whatever reason, when he's out of your sight, you start to fear losing him. He may or may not have done anything to spur these feelings in you but you may feel them just the same. This drives the guy, who figures you two are a pair and there's nothing to worry about, nuts. He isn't as fearful of losing you as you are of losing him. You have to somehow get a handle on that fear and not let it govern you when you're apart. Easier said than done, I know. Spend the time you ordinarily would spend worrying whether he's about to call in reminding yourself about all the things he's done that make you feel special or wanted to remind yourself that he does care.

[BraveGirl]

I think moimeme is right. On the one hand you are right to expect him to consider you when he's making his plans.

On the other hand it annoys him that you are feel so upset about him not calling. Some men find that such a hassle and responsibility. I have been in your position, and to this day do not know truly if I was justified to feel upset, or if I should have done as moimeme said and buttoned my lip and been thankful for the good times.

 

But I remember at those times my friends would be astonished by his lack of consideration, and assured me that I was not over reacting, that he was simply selfish.

 

Maybe the answer is that you are justifeid to feel upset, but need to find a different way of expressing it. A way that does not annoy him. I'm not suggesting you do annoy him, I just know from experience that this is difficult - if you want to keep them you have to pander to their selfishness in some way which I have not discovered.

Good luck.

 

PS Not wanting to end on a negative note, but what you say about your man was verty similar to mine in the early days, and when it finally ended I realised that he has always been thoughtless and selfish. Sorry!

[dario]

I've been with girls who are always expecting me to let them know where I was.

 

I've been with girls who do there own thing and it's a case of 'where'd you go last night.'

 

I've been with girls who simply act either way.

 

People.

[DivaGirl]

Thanks for the replies!

 

I tried to get the book, but the bookstores near me were out of it, but I get the general idea after reading all 77 reviews.

 

I agree completely with the last few comments, also. In fact, I've taken to starting to not ask where he was, and trusting him, because I know for sure that he'd never cheat on me, and that he's just with his friends (because he tells me I can come hang out if I want, too). The New Year's thing is the only thing that REALLY irritated me, as have the times when he's said, "I'll be right over" and then doesn't come over for four hours yet isn't home. I just have to realize that he's stupid and inconsiderate sometimes, but otherwise he's very sweet. I don't think he's trying to hurt me on purpose. Besides, last night I told him to go out with his friends, and then I went out, and when he tried to call I wasn't around, so I think that gave him a taste for what it's like to worry, because he called me first thing this morning.

 

So thank you to all who replied! And I thought the doormat thing was funny. I would hope I'm an attractive striped doormat, at least.