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Huge leap back, back to square zero


Mach Defy

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Hi everyone,

 

I was just broken up with for the second time in under 2 weeks, and it's almost more painful the second time around. I apologize if this is rambly and doesn't make too much sense, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Here's my backstory: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t303220/

 

The cliffnotes version is my ex who I dated for a little over a year, was my first love, each others firsts, and who I was unofficially engaged to, broke up with me 2 weeks ago after a 3 week separation period. I was really devastated and hurt at the time. She wanted to meet a week later to talk in person, since the breakup was over IM (to be fair I asked her to tell me). Afterwards, I removed all traces of her from my life. I blocked her and her family on Facebook, deleted all texts and emails, deleted all photos, and removed her number. I told her she could email me once she figured out her schedule so we could meet.

 

I regretted this after I said it. On the day we were scheduled to meet, she sent me a curt email asking if I still wanted to, and despite my better judgment, as well as the judgment of everyone else, I replied with an equally curt email asking when and where, to which I got no response. I felt incredibly guilty the next day, and sent her another nicer email, saying we could meet if she still wanted to, but was understandable if she didn't, and I mentioned found a shirt of hers lying in my apartment. I asked if she wanted it back, and if there was a good way to get it to her (I wasn't trying to trick her into meeting me, I was just being polite), and if she didn't, I would donate it. She responded in kind, and we agreed to meet the next morning, and she scheduled in a way that we met 10 minutes before she had to do something. That sent the message that it would only be to get her stuff back, which was probably for the best.

 

Unfortunately, when I met her, I was reminded of all my feelings for her, even though she wasn't dressed to impress. I stayed very guarded, and I asked if she had anything to say, and told her I didn't. When she said she didn't either, I told her I was leaving. At this point, she asked for a hug, which I was reluctant to give, but I caved to giving her a hug when she asked for a handshake instead. She got very close and intimate, and told me she missed me, and we started talking about our lives. She was jealous at many aspects of my life (even though in reality, I was crying my eyes out and waking up in the middle of the night). She told me she wanted to come back to my apartment, implying she wanted to have sex with me. I started by saying that was a bad idea, and she agreed that we'd just break up again if we started to date. But she kept getting closer to me, and I succumbed.

 

She was so incredibly nice, kind, caring, and intimate that morning. We got caught up in our lives, and spent a few hours in bed. She told me she wanted to date again, and I was guarded, but very excited. She kept speaking about us in the future tense, and telling me things I really wanted to hear like how much she missed me, etc etc. When we departed, we unofficially decided to meet up the next week (aka this weekend), and I unblocked her from gchat, but told her I wasn't ready to unblock her from Facebook, since I still felt guarded and scared of being hurt again.

 

I felt like it didn't make sense to me that she had 3 weeks to decide to break up with me, then a week later wanted to get back together. I always felt like she was a person who once their mind was made up, they wouldn't change it. So, I didn't initiate contact with her because I was busy and very scared. Despite this, I was so happy for a change, and could only think about our future, and spending time with her. A few days later, she tells me that she wished I could talk to her. I was really excited, but when I tried to contact her, she ignored me for hours. Then she finally said that she thought I was not interested in her because I wasn't ready to friend her, and I hadn't spoken with her. She thought I had already started to date someone else and was hiding that on Facebook. I felt like as the dumper, she should have put more effort in to let me know she was taking things seriously. She told me how much she didn't trust me, and I was very defensive. The conversation ended with her leaving in the middle of it. The hardest part was the fact that I really wanted to still date her, yet she believed I didn't via my actions (or lack thereof, rather).

 

The next day, I sent her a very kind, thoughtful, honest email, explaining how I still was interested in her, defended my actions, and called her out on something hypocritical she said. I let my friends read it and they all felt like I was too nice to her. I didn't care, I wanted to be myself and treat her the way I always wanted to, rather than what she probably deserved. I know, pathetic. She didn't respond, and my impatience got the best of me yesterday, and I contacted her. She was incredibly rude, as she called me a "master of bull****," and an "*******." Both were really hurtful, and she kept going on. I couldn't believe that all the hope I let into my life last weekend was flooding out and I was left in a hurtful place once again.

 

We ended up talking for hours, and I was absolutely pathetic. I opened my heart, said all the things I wasn't supposed to say, essentially begged for her back, and admitting just how hard life was without her. She admitted that if I had just contacted her earlier in the week and friended her, we'd still be dating. Even though I did what I felt like was best, I couldn't help but feel like it was all my fault, once again. I also couldn't help but begin to believe all the nasty things she accused me of being, like that I was mean, manipulative, untrustworthy, just because I let her get so close to me and she felt that way. Towards the end, she became kinder and told me she would miss me as well, and wanted things to work out, but they can't. She told me even though it sucks for me now, it'll get better. She also made an offhand comment that she wasn't depressed, she didn't cry, she didn't do typical break up things because she's fine. That hurt.

 

The realization that it was the end for real, really made me sad. I knew I probably shouldn't talk to her or see her, although that may be impossible to avoid because of our relative close proximity. It hurts going through this a second time, even more than the first. It feels like such a nightmare to get my hopes up so much, let in all the emotional investment, and have things end so suddenly and feel responsible for it all. Even though I know she was not nice to me most of the time, and I will find someone else, it doesn't change how terrible I feel now, and how much I still want her.

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You might have talked about marriage, but you weren't married. Realizing there's a certain expectation (not to mention feeling so close to something you really wanted) is one of the reasons you've having problems coping. Understand and remind yourself that you didn't marry. And frankly, be glad you didn't.

 

You may not realize this now, but you were generally played. Things were going fine until you slipped, said something inappropriate or was caught in a bad mood. At that point, she realized you were capable of expressing yourself outside the realm of her control, and it angered her. This isn't love, or at least not the kind you want to get hitched to long term. If a woman loves you for you, because of you and how you are, she'll be more than willing to put up with the ups and downs. It's a different thing if you're exposed as a liar or a cheat, but frankly, if a woman's feelings (or needs) are strong enough, many will let that slide too...for a time anyway.

 

Stop being so hard on yourself. You tried. Everyone gets hooked on someone that just isn't right for them at one point for another, and the reality that it won't work is painful. It may not seem possible, but someday you'll be overjoyed it didn't. Real love, real dedication, real romance and real desire is free of games, walking on eggshells, regret or pressure. No matter who you meet, date or marry, be careful not to lose yourself. Many make the mistake of turning their partner into their everything. Don't do that.

 

Hang in, heal and keep posting. You'll make it-

Edited by Steadfast
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Thanks for your words of encouragement, they help a lot. Just when I thought I had heard the last from her, and that things ended on a somewhat amicable note, I just read one of the most hateful and hurtful emails I've ever been on the receiving end of. I won't post that here, but I am shell-shocked by it. Lots of name calling, blaming, self-pitying for her, and hoping that I feel guilty and ashamed. I'm not going to reply to her, so I don't give her the satisfaction of knowing it got to me, and the satisfaction that she can try to justify the hurtful and false accusations she's made of me.

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I love it how they end things in a really ****ty way. Verbal abuse, name calling and blaming everything on you. It's an awful way to end things isn't it?

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Absolutely. This was after I told her I appreciated having met her, was grateful that she taught me how to feel the way I've felt, and would cherish the good memories we had. Even after breaking up with me. Twice in 2 weeks.

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  • 4 weeks later...
I love it how they end things in a really ****ty way. Verbal abuse, name calling and blaming everything on you. It's an awful way to end things isn't it?

 

 

And then if you react to that kind of treatment, and if you are angry at the way they dump you, then you are the one that's psycho, and they are seen as the good guy, "gosh how did you put up with that crazy chick????" ugh...

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And then if you react to that kind of treatment, and if you are angry at the way they dump you, then you are the one that's psycho, and they are seen as the good guy, "gosh how did you put up with that crazy chick????" ugh...

 

They sure are hypocritical.

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You might have talked about marriage, but you weren't married. Realizing there's a certain expectation (not to mention feeling so close to something you really wanted) is one of the reasons you've having problems coping. Understand and remind yourself that you didn't marry. And frankly, be glad you didn't.

 

You may not realize this now, but you were generally played. Things were going fine until you slipped, said something inappropriate or was caught in a bad mood. At that point, she realized you were capable of expressing yourself outside the realm of her control, and it angered her. This isn't love, or at least not the kind you want to get hitched to long term. If a woman loves you for you, because of you and how you are, she'll be more than willing to put up with the ups and downs. It's a different thing if you're exposed as a liar or a cheat, but frankly, if a woman's feelings (or needs) are strong enough, many will let that slide too...for a time anyway.

 

Stop being so hard on yourself. You tried. Everyone gets hooked on someone that just isn't right for them at one point for another, and the reality that it won't work is painful. It may not seem possible, but someday you'll be overjoyed it didn't. Real love, real dedication, real romance and real desire is free of games, walking on eggshells, regret or pressure. No matter who you meet, date or marry, be careful not to lose yourself. Many make the mistake of turning their partner into their everything. Don't do that.

 

Hang in, heal and keep posting. You'll make it-

 

Those words made me think. I was always the less dominant person in my past relationship. I couldn't get myself of speaking my mind most of the time. It's like my tongue was glued and I was scared that if I said something it could start a conflict, he would leave me.

 

That was a wrong attitude, I know. My head was filled with lovey hormones and even if he treated me badly, I would just smile stupidly. And I must admit, he was the first man for whom I fell badly and I didn't want to make him unhappy. Instead he wanted maybe that I spoke more and put my foot down where it should. I remember him trying to break-up with me after a year. He just couldn't do it and I was just still hanging in my pink cloud. Man, I was so in love :lmao:.

 

A year and a half later, my mind took over my heart and I knew it was time to take action for this situation. He reacted badly and we fought a lot. I knew he wasn't ready for marriage and wanted to take care of himself before. It didn't feel right for me, I was ready to be with him. And when he rejected me that's when you decide it's over and the break-up starts.

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