sfranks1492 Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 Well I'm beginning to think I will NEVER be the ONE. I've learned that the last three men I've had serious relationships with married the very next girl after our relationship. My ex fiance that I was with for 14yrs and had 2 children with just got married this past august after meeting his now wife a week after we separated. Prior to that I dated and lived with a man for over a year. Things just didn't work out. He met a woman weeks after I asked him to move out...he moved in with her and it's history. They were married in May. And lastly, the guy I was with for over two years and I broke things off ended up meeting a girl online and he married her in february of this year. Now, granted, i didn't feel that any of these men were the RIGHT men for me. What I'm fearing though is that I will NEVER be the ONE, but rather the ONE before the right one...ugg. I've been in a two year relationship now and things have been great. However, I don't necessarily feel he is any closer to proposing and us getting married than I've been before....So it leaves me guessing. I want to believe I'm the ONE, but after my last 18yrs of bad luck...I'm not so sure...and I'm only 34yrs young... Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 Have you spoken to your current partner about whether he sees marriage in your future together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sfranks1492 Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 Yes, we've talked about marriage quite a few times. He tells me that he sees a future with me. I honestly want to believe him, but my past relationships make me waiver. I'm typically a very confident woman in life and business, but in relationships I am not as assertive. I'm worried that I want to be "married" so much that I am not focusing on the right things; rather, focusing on the "thought" and "concept" of marriage versus the "reality" of it all. Before now, marriage was in the back of my mind and now it's in the forefront. I feel the clock a ticking..... Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 I think that one potential approach it is to set yourself a silent deadline that if a proposal/wedding is not on the cards by X date then it's time to walk. Another one is to keep reassuring yourself that your partner is clear on what you want, how impotant it is to you, and that when he is ready, you will be there. I know it's hard to ignore what happened to you in the past but I feel that if you let it colour too much of your present and future then you really will put too pressure on yourself and him leading to a big showdown of sorts. Most likely, not a good thing. The other side of the coin is, do you want to marry him? Or do you just want to be married to someone? Anyone? To validate your status as a someone who guys want to marry. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 I'm worried that I want to be "married" so much that I am not focusing on the right things; rather, focusing on the "thought" and "concept" of marriage versus the "reality" of it all. Before now, marriage was in the back of my mind and now it's in the forefront. I feel the clock a ticking..... What would a marriage relationship look like to you? What does a marriage relationship look like to your bf? How is that different from what you have together now? Would there be more open and honest communication in marriage than you have together now? Would you be more supportive of each other? Would you be more likely to give him the benefit of the doubt in an argument if you were married? Would you be more likely to work out compromises? Would you try harder? The gap between the kind of relationship you and your bf have now, and what each of you believe is the kind of relationship that is strong enough for a lifetime marriage could be at the core of the issue. Figure out where the gaps are and fill them in your relationship. Create the kind of relationship you want to have with him in the future (marriage) through your actions and how you treat each other now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sfranks1492 Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 Norajane: Thanks, your post was a real eyeopener. I've feared that I simply wanted marriage for the sake of marriage. What I am realizing now is that I want marriage for the sake of not losing him. I don't hold myself liable for every failed relationship that I've had, but I do hold myself accountable for my share of my past failed relationships. With him, things are different. We have our share of relationship concerns that we continue to work on, but big picture, things are pretty great between us. I think I fear something I've never feared before and that is losing him. I was very secure in all of my other relationships and never once feared being left. I guess I always had a strong say in the relationship. I was the one who tended to be the more dominant partner. In my current relationship I feel like its a partnership and I've been able to relinquish control. Maybe that's also a part of it. A lack of control, leads me to cling and hang on for fear of loss or failure. I'm sure these feelings have something to do with my concerns. I guess being married would make me feel more secure. My boyfriend has said to me more times than once that I need to let go of what's happened in past relationships and stop expecting him to be like all the rest. I think I need to do just that and trust that he is the one and he will commit when he is ready and I will commit when I am ready. And that may not necessarily be the same timeline. At that point I have to decide if it's worth the wait. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 My boyfriend has said to me more times than once that I need to let go of what's happened in past relationships and stop expecting him to be like all the rest. So is your insecurity what is making him hesitate right now on marriage? Perhaps he needs to see that you DO trust in him and in your relationship together, that you DO see him as different from all the other guys you dated, and that you DO trust that your relationship is solid. Maybe he needs to see that you have grown or matured enough from your past to not get panicky or feel out of control with him. Your fears might be making him feel that you aren't ready for marriage commitments, and if your fears manifest in being clingy and upset, why would he think you trust him and why would he want to commit to someone who can't relax with him? Maybe he needs to see that you feel secure and relaxed with him and trust him before he can do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted September 28, 2011 Share Posted September 28, 2011 did i read this wrong, or doesn't this say YOU dumped the last 3? then they met new people and got married? i don't see how that reflects on YOU if you're the one that dumped them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sfranks1492 Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 No. My fiance of 14yrs cheated on me with our 22yr old nanny. He decided to leave after 14yrs and 2kids. The second ex, was a mutual parting because it just wasn't working out. The third ex, I left because I found out he lied to me for 18months when he lost his nursing job due to illegal use of prescription drugs. Big picture - they all met another in the next relationship and that person was the one they decided to marry. I was just beginning to feel like I was the stepping stone to a committed relationship. Like I had to go through the pain and struggles and the next gal reaped the benefits. I know that sounds dumb, but that's how I was feeling. I'm sure these men are doing the same thing to these girls as what occurred with me. I'm not sad that I didn't marry them, I'm sad that it's taking me so long to find the ONE and now that I believe I'm there, I'm not so sure that I wasn't just looking for marriage versus the ONE. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 yeah, i could totally see why you'd be upset that your loser boyfriends found other women so that you don't have to deal with them anymore. a cheater, a liar and drug user...maybe i'm missing where YOU got the bad deal? unless you truly believe that YOU somehow fixed them and now they're perfect with the other people...because they aren't. now THOSE girls get to deal with all the problems that you've been able to get rid of. right? Link to post Share on other sites
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