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How do you get to forgiveness?


Wisteria

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I am so angry at my ex, I just don't know what to do. There have been times when I have been less angry, but never a point (since our craziness began) when I have been NOT angry. I have tried so many things to deal with this: prayer, therapy, drinking, antidepressants, hypnosis, tarot and fortune tellers. I know that my only options at this point are forgiveness and suicide. And I won't kill myself because then he would truly win.

 

How do I get to forgiveness? I'm very glad my ex lives in another country or I would probably do something pretty terrible to him. I don't want to be that person. I truly want to let this go.

 

I would love to hear how other people made it through, dealt with their anger and eventually were able to forgive the person who hurt them.

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i am sorry that you are hurting this badly. honestly i don't know the answer. as my first ex left me in pieces. it was only till i bumped into her in person and had a go at her did the anger leave me. i remember a weight being lifted. it was amazing.

 

i read somewhere “If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace"

 

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-to-let-go-and-feel-less-pain/

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When my ex broke up wit me in a bad way, I was angry, hurt, just all bad emotions lol. To get myself together I told myself I will not let him get the best of me cuz he can be living it up while I'm depressed. So I started doin things I was interested in and I was having a great time enjoying my life for once. And that's when I got it, I forgave him because if we wouldn't have broken up then I wouldn't have had the drive to focus on me and have fun. I would've been worryin about him and the relationship. So I found forgiveness when I started enjoying my life! Hope this helps and don't hurt yourself it may seem like there's no light at the end of the tunnel but it is, it's just a long journey..

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BiAxident, I don't know if he does deserve forgiveness. He certainly doesn't feel that he did anything wrong. But I'm personally tired of feeling this crappy. I guess that's part of why I can't (or won't) forgive. Maybe I don't really know what it means. I don't want to let him off the hook. But there doesn't seem to be any ethical way to make him pay. His life is just awesome right now. Telling him good luck and God speed is just too much for me right now. But the people I know who have done just that seem to feel a lot better than I do right now.

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Wisteria,

 

You don't have to forgive someone. You just have to let go. Forgiveness can take years and years sometimes. If you force yourself to forgive someone when your heart's not really into it then you're going to drive yourself crazy.

 

Just throw it to the wind right now. "You hurt me, but I'm letting go." and then one day out of the blue you'll realize that maybe you're not angry at him anymore.

 

Your option is never suicide. Please rethink what you typed. I hope you're just being dramatic because you're really sad at the moment. We've all been there. Exes will never care if you throw yourself out a building for them. They get to have more chances and go out with people and where is your chance? Don't take it away from yourself.

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You have every right to be angry but you are going about the wrong path of trying to solve the problem. You are focusing on your ex and not you. In order to let go you need to start focusing on you.

 

I have tried so many things to deal with this: prayer, therapy, drinking, antidepressants, hypnosis, tarot and fortune tellers.

 

you are looking for instant gratification and while these things do provide instant gratification, they lead right back to the original problem because you have not dealt with it. You are just hiding it or covering it up.

 

You do not owe your ex anything the only person that you need to forgive is yourself. This comes with time and focusing on you and doing positive things for you. Examples: Being proactive and joining a gym and going regularly, making new friends, start new hobbies, continue your education, get a new job. All these things take time to show results. The more you take the focus off your ex and the more you focus on these new set of goals and less on the crutches you used that I quoted, the anger will start to fade and be replaced with happiness and well being. It just takes time. Cut yourself a break

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Thanks to everyone who responded. It's kind of interesting to hear that maybe I don't have to "forgive" in the traditional sense --or at least in the sense I think about it. For me, forgiving means saying "It's OK, there's no problem between us anymore." BiAxident, I think you are right in that I'm giving one person way too much power over my emotions.

 

I guess I'm just really upset because he's coming back to my town soon, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I don't want to run from him, but I don't know what I'll do if I bump into him. And he will be at all the places I normally frequent.

 

Thanks also for the concern about the suicide comment. I'm seeing a therapist, and it is helping, though, as WilsonX said, it's not instant gratification.

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