Thieves Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I think this is one of the only things holding me back from completely healing. It's been nearly 8 months, and while neither of us have contacted each other, I know I have to face the fact that we may never talk again. Ever. Now I'm far better than I was when I first started NC a while ago. I'm not tempted anymore to contact him. I got a new job, made some great friends, finally began living on my own, and became more self-sufficient. I even might be going to school in Europe next year. But I still get this panicking pang of sadness in my chest when I think that I'll never speak to him again. I'm basically at the point where my heart is very open to meeting someone else. Sure, I still think about 'him' and wonder how he's doing, if he still cares, etc. But it doesn't completely consume me and get me totally sad/upset. I have hope and I know someone will come along someday soon who's the right guy for me. In fact, I'm excited for it to finally happen. But I just can't seem to get past this road bump where a small part of me wishes he would come back and panics that I'll never talk to him again. It kinda freaks me out. But I don't even know why I'd want him to come back when I'd probably just get hurt again, you know? I don't understand why I can't just let go completely after all this time. Can anybody relate to this? Will this always be in the back of my mind somewhere? Link to post Share on other sites
Karala Posted September 12, 2011 Share Posted September 12, 2011 I'd say you need to be okay with the idea of never speaking to him again, before you ever venture to speak to him again. It's like what they say about getting back together and making it work: can't happen unless you've let go of the old relationship completely and mourned it 100%. I've been in your situation with my ex from many years back (not the one who sent me on this board). We had known each other since we were 11, and lived together from age 18 to 23. When we split and then lost contact about two years later (never intentionally decided to go NC, just happened as things were getting uglier and uglier between us), I didn't give it much thought. But several years later I realized that I never imagined we would never speak again. He wasn't in my life anymore and even not much in my thoughts, but he was still in my heart. We e-mailed about once a year but that was it. Then one day I bumped into him on the street and found myself dissolving into tears, hugging him and blabbering away about how I'd let go of all my hard feelings for him and wanted us to be friends now. From that day on I never heard from him again, it's been 3 and a half years. I think he totally freaked out about how emotional I got over him, after years. Thing is, I had never really let go of that relationship, never dealt with the fact that he might be gone from my life forever. And today I'm pretty sure that if I had let go completely, maybe we could have reconnected and be friends. But I was still dragging the past with me, so no way we could build a new future. You know what's so weird about letting go for real? It doesn't even mean that you're moving farther from that person. On the contrary, letting go completely is actually bringing you closer to ever having a chance of rekindling a friendship (or love relationship in some cases) with that person. And in many situations, like yours, when you're already NC and you know that you'll stay that way, hence letting go won't change anything because the person is already out of your life... you still don't want to let go!! Crazy, huh? It's not the person we're afraid to let go, they're already out of our lives... it's the attachment! Like someone else wrote on this forum, "that's how much the human brain likes being in love", or being attached to another human being. Anyway... letting go is hard, but it can be done. It will be done if you want to. Some people never get over lost love, because they're so in love with the romantic idea of never letting go of attachment and holding on to the past. Yeah, it makes for a sweet story or sappy love song, if you don't mind having your life passing you by. The reality is that anybody can choose to move on, if they want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thieves Posted September 12, 2011 Author Share Posted September 12, 2011 Thing is, I had never really let go of that relationship, never dealt with the fact that he might be gone from my life forever. And today I'm pretty sure that if I had let go completely, maybe we could have reconnected and be friends. But I was still dragging the past with me, so no way we could build a new future.. That's what I mean, though. How does someone know when they've really let go of a person/relationship, or whether they're just burying it all deep inside and ignoring it? Is there any surefire way to know this, or is it just something you have to 'play by ear'? That's what confuses me (and frustrates me) so much... Link to post Share on other sites
Karala Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 That's what I mean, though. How does someone know when they've really let go of a person/relationship, or whether they're just burying it all deep inside and ignoring it? Is there any surefire way to know this, or is it just something you have to 'play by ear'? That's what confuses me (and frustrates me) so much... Good question. I think you know when you've really let go and moved on when the person isn't capable anymore of stirring strong emotions in you. When you can think about them, even see them, without having all these deep feelings, when you feel that there's 0% chance that you would ever lose it because of them, get emotional and have all those feelings again that you used to have when you were with them. I feel like that toward one of my exes; I was madly in love with him for about a year, and now when I think about it I really have that "what the **** was I thinking" feeling. If I bumped into him on the street I would be like hey, how have you been? And then I would go about with the rest of my day and not have another thought about it, because that's how little he matters to me now. I don't hate him or anything, I just don't care much. I can see now that I totally had him on a pedestal before and that he really isn't all that. I now see clearly how he was not giving me what I wanted, not making me happy, and I'm so much better off without him, and although I wish only the best for him, I don't care if I ever see him again or not. I know I'm 110% over that ex, not faking it or burying it deep inside. It's something you'll just know when you reach that state. Hopefully I can feel that way soon about my current ex. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 If you never talk to him again it'll be just like the billions of other people in the world you'll never talk to in your entire life. Does that really bother you? One tool is to accept that certain memories of your R will always inspire certain emotions. Accept them for what they are: signposts of your past. That was then. The present is today. The future is tomorrow. I recently tested this tool, accepting the familiar emotions and letting them play out and later laughing a bit at myself for the somewhat schoolboy response out of someone who should, by my age, know better. It's OK; sometimes it's alright to know better and still feel the same. Keep it out there and work it. Neutrality will come. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
lovesickmonkey Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 It seems to me this is a very important thread and dealt with very well by Thieves and Karala. I have the same thought daily at this point ... "We literally have not spoken since that day, and may never again." And it is very distressing to consider. The thought of it is enough to keep me awake considering the tragedy of it. The answer by Karala is correct. You will talk again when it doesn't matter. The urge to talk is an urge to revisit a relationship that does not exist. Link to post Share on other sites
Helicopter6 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 My first post here, n I'm In the exact Situation... bout 6 months. When I get mad I think of how she did me, I say to myself I never wanna talk to her again. But then a part of me doesn't mean it. But y'all r right, when we talk it won't mean nothin I hope. Having the current dilemma on if I should break 6 months to tell her happy Bday or not. I've decided not to, which just makes me continue to think I will never speak with her again. Idk it's weird, guess we'll see lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thieves Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 My first post here, n I'm In the exact Situation... bout 6 months. When I get mad I think of how she did me, I say to myself I never wanna talk to her again. But then a part of me doesn't mean it. But y'all r right, when we talk it won't mean nothin I hope. It's weird to look back on this thread because, believe it or not, I feel I'm slowly getting closer and closer to accepting that I may not speak to 'him' ever again. It does still sneak up on me sometimes, but not as often lately. I guess it's just really realizing that people come and go in our lives, some to stay and some to leave after a while. It's a natural part of life, so to fight it is kind of useless in a way. Though I know it still hurts to think about it, I know. All I can say is patience, and to keep working on healing yourself. Soon it won't hurt as much as it does now.. Having the current dilemma on if I should break 6 months to tell her happy Bday or not. I've decided not to, which just makes me continue to think I will never speak with her again. Idk it's weird, guess we'll see lol Good decision! I had the same little 'dilemma' back in spring and decided not to contact him for his birthday, either. And even though I wished him a Happy Birthday in my mind, I'm veeery glad I didn't contact him. It just helped me realize that I really was going NC, birthdays or no birthdays. Link to post Share on other sites
lymtal1 Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 theives, since you wrote this post it has really been on the back of my mind. i mean really. i was at a place where we were talking about marriage, baby, life, house, jobs, etc. now i look at it and i think about your question. all that is gone and the thought of never speaking to her again is sobering and very real. this is what is making me sad right now. it has been on my mind a bunch lately and has been taking me back to a bad place. but it is reality and i am trying to live in the real world not in the world of hope. i have found it hard not to be in that one but i come and go. i have a very good friend that i mentioned this thought to. his response was actually that would be great if you did not ever speak to her again. why do you want to? is she the one? did she not tell you she did not love you, did not miss you and did not want to be with you? the answer was yes, yes, and yes. so he asks, well why do you waste time on someone who feels that way? i wish i knew. i don't. all i know is that this possibility haunts me and is the one thing that keeps me up now. i guess i am glad that you put it out there because this is the one thing that i now have to address and get past. i think i was holding on to hope and this question brings me back to a reality that i have to face. so thanks, i think lol:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thieves Posted September 20, 2011 Author Share Posted September 20, 2011 i guess i am glad that you put it out there because this is the one thing that i now have to address and get past. i think i was holding on to hope and this question brings me back to a reality that i have to face. so thanks, i think lol:) Aww! I'm sorry, Lmytal. I didn't mean for this thread to 'haunt' you in any way, I promise. It was just during a time where I was having a really rough time processing all of this, you know? so he asks, well why do you waste time on someone who feels that way? i wish i knew. i don't. Your friend is right. At first, a part of me wanted 'him' in my life somehow. Even as just a friend. But I have to remind myself that I already tried that before, and it didn't work. Because I wasn't even a 'friend', I was somebody who was basically waiting in line hoping to change his mind about me as he was with other girls. Such a HUGE mistake. All that happened was that I would be there, trying to be supportive and feeding his ego. And sometimes it felt like he knew he was hurting me, or making me jealous. In hindsight, he was never really that concerned about me. And I noticed that after I finished talking with him, most of the time I'd feel A) sad, B) hurt, C) jealous... or D) a combination of all 3. And so now I ask myself, is that the kind of person I want in my life? One that leaves me feeling like that? One that isn't really considerate of my feelings? No. So really, I'm better of not speaking to him ever again. He's not the one, he's not a friend, so what else can he be? Just another person who was once special to me. Link to post Share on other sites
lymtal1 Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 hey thieves, no worries. actually your post was good for me. i find that being able to face everything is required and this got me to a place i needed to be maybe sooner than later. working through all the questions that i have is very good and this one is real. i never went there because it was probably to hard to face. so your question is very relevant regarding dealing with this. i am good:) keep asking those questions that we need to address so we can move on. that's what we are all out here for....... Link to post Share on other sites
Ghosst Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 In hindsight, he was never really that concerned about me. And I noticed that after I finished talking with him, most of the time I'd feel A) sad, B) hurt, C) jealous... or D) a combination of all 3. And so now I ask myself, is that the kind of person I want in my life? One that leaves me feeling like that? One that isn't really considerate of my feelings? No. So really, I'm better of not speaking to him ever again. He's not the one, he's not a friend, so what else can he be? Just another person who was once special to me. Hindsight....20/20.....this is how I feel about my ex. Your words rang true for me. One step at a time, one day at a time, is all we can do Link to post Share on other sites
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