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! im too sensitive - now wrecked relationship


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

 
 
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Old 29th August 2011, 5:50 AM   #1
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! im too sensitive - now wrecked relationship

Hello everyone

I am feeling so low right now I cant explain, It is making me real bad.
Friday me and my partner of 8 months were due to go on holiday in the uk for a week. both very excited.
Now whats happened I cannot believe. Basically I am over sensitive and my partner knows this. We have had a number of fall outs before whoch result in arguements. Mainly over me taking something the wrong way and getting upset to easy. Friday I got a little upset over something and I went quiet. this resulted in her walking off from me and then it upset me even more that she couldnt be there. She said she didnt mean it like she did and I should of taken it as that, but I need a cuddle and a site down for ten minutes then I will be fine, but this never happens. Now she has ended up finishing me. She couldnt say it to my face and since friday she has called me, says she loves me, she misses me etc but I think it has gone too far now for her. Let alone me waisting 500 on a holiday which we arent going on. She knows that I give everything to her, infact too much if anything, I never think about myself and always put her first and she knows this, she knows also that I have been there for her during her hard times at work etc.

My friends tell me to relax, chill out more etc etc when it comes to her but I cannot control my emotions, If I could then this wouldnt happen to us.

what can I do to sort myself out, 1 from being over sensitive, 2 controlling how I react, 3 is it possible to make her believe that I will do anything it takes to help us to be happy again.

I need help guys, I am going to the doctors tmrw to ask to see a counsellor.

hope you can help me

Carl
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Old 29th August 2011, 6:19 AM   #2
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Hi Carl

That's a lot to have on your plate right now and it's no wonder you feel overwhelmed. I think the first thing to do is to find a way to calm down for a moment every day. This will help you find a way to deal with the challenges you face more easily. It's a stepping stone, not the end goal, and it doesn't mean what you feel right now is going to go away easily. It just helps you find a way to feel better and do things to make your life better.

I like going for a walk, yoga and deep breathing exercises as ways to find a moment of calm. You might like to look into those.

Okay, couple of basic questions:

Are you sleeping well? If not, discuss with your doctor and see if sleeping tablets would be appropriate. Sleep is very important; especially for sensitive people.

Are you eating well? Add a multi-vitamin to your diet if you feel you aren't eating a balanced diet. Cereal in the morning, lots of fruit and veg, all help build up your strength. A good diet helps the brain function well. I like to eat fish at least once a week, for example.

Are you keeping yourself clean? Hand washing is known to help relieve stress and help us clear our minds. Wash every day, brush your teeth etc. It will make you feel good about yourself.

If you drink coffee or tea, either cut it out completely or stop drinking it in the evening. Caffeine can keep you awake. Similarly, avoid drink and other drugs if that's part of your life-style.

Now go have a hot bubble bath and relax. You're going to be okay.
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Old 29th August 2011, 7:06 AM   #3
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Well, you've taken the sensible step of seeking conselling, so that's a start.

But from my perspective, this seems to me to be more than just being "over sensitive".

Quote:
Originally Posted by carl_t View Post
We have had a number of fall outs before whoch result in arguements. Mainly over me taking something the wrong way and getting upset to easy. Friday I got a little upset over something and I went quiet.
What goes through your mind during these times? Are you thinking about what you would say to her or going over what she said and getting more upset over it?


Quote:
Originally Posted by carl_t View Post
I need a cuddle and a site down for ten minutes then I will be fine, but this never happens.
So in other words, do you want her to apologise and to take responsibility for your negative reactions?

Or perhaps you are expecting her to take on the role of "nurturer": to tell you it's all ok?

Problem is, this might not be her style. You might be trying to project what you want her to be, rather than seeing her as she is.

(I'm not blaming you, but ask yourself if this is what's really happening here)

Have you tried explaining this to her?


Quote:
Originally Posted by carl_t View Post
She couldnt say it to my face and since friday she has called me, says she loves me, she misses me etc but I think it has gone too far now for her.
Hmm - I don't trust those who can't break-up face-to-face. It's been done to me before and it usually screams of emotional immaturity.

TBH, Carl, I think there's more going on than meets the eye. I would say that she was just looking for an excuse to walk out - esp. as it was right before you 2 going away. There may have been serious doubts on her part and this latest fight was the catalyst for making a break from it.

But this doesn't mean that she shouldn't have been more honest with you (and herself). Actually, if this is/was the case, all the more reason to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by carl_t View Post
She knows that I give everything to her, infact too much if anything, I never think about myself and always put her first and she knows this, she knows also that I have been there for her during her hard times at work etc.
This. ^. By putting her needs before yours, you are giving her the power to walk all over you. The truth is, you don't need to prove anything.
  • Has she done the same for you?
  • Has she been there for you?
  • Did you feel like you could share your feelings with her without expecting anything in return?
Learn how to respect yourself more. If you let disrespectful behaviour go, you are sending your partner the message that it is acceptable for them to continue. Set yourself boundaries.

I know this, because I've been the woman your ex is. I kept doing it, partly because I was unaware of how much I was hurting them as they never expressed it, they tolerated it. In the end, they walked out, but it was enough to get me to examine my behaviour and take responsibility for it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by carl_t View Post
I cannot control my emotions, If I could then this wouldnt happen to us.

is it possible to make her believe that I will do anything it takes to help us to be happy again.
Carl,

It takes 2 to make a relationship work. If she is not willing to look at how she treats you, what makes you think that you can "fix" everything?

I know you want to be with her. But why? What qualities does she possess that could outdo the fact that she hasn't treated you (or her) with integrity and respect?

Having been in this position myself, I know that she isn't a "bad" person, so I'm not necessarily blaming her either. She may have issues herself that she isn't aware of. But until she learns what they are and takes steps in changing her behaviour, the relationship will not survive, no matter how "perfect" you try to make yourself. And the same advice goes for you.

Last edited by TrueColors; 29th August 2011 at 7:19 AM..
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Old 29th August 2011, 6:35 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TrueColors View Post
Well, you've taken the sensible step of seeking conselling, so that's a start.

But from my perspective, this seems to me to be more than just being "over sensitive".



What goes through your mind during these times? Are you thinking about what you would say to her or going over what she said and getting more upset over it?




So in other words, do you want her to apologise and to take responsibility for your negative reactions?

Or perhaps you are expecting her to take on the role of "nurturer": to tell you it's all ok?

Problem is, this might not be her style. You might be trying to project what you want her to be, rather than seeing her as she is.

(I'm not blaming you, but ask yourself if this is what's really happening here)

Have you tried explaining this to her?




Hmm - I don't trust those who can't break-up face-to-face. It's been done to me before and it usually screams of emotional immaturity.

TBH, Carl, I think there's more going on than meets the eye. I would say that she was just looking for an excuse to walk out - esp. as it was right before you 2 going away. There may have been serious doubts on her part and this latest fight was the catalyst for making a break from it.

But this doesn't mean that she shouldn't have been more honest with you (and herself). Actually, if this is/was the case, all the more reason to.



This. ^. By putting her needs before yours, you are giving her the power to walk all over you. The truth is, you don't need to prove anything.
  • Has she done the same for you?
  • Has she been there for you?
  • Did you feel like you could share your feelings with her without expecting anything in return?
Learn how to respect yourself more. If you let disrespectful behaviour go, you are sending your partner the message that it is acceptable for them to continue. Set yourself boundaries.

I know this, because I've been the woman your ex is. I kept doing it, partly because I was unaware of how much I was hurting them as they never expressed it, they tolerated it. In the end, they walked out, but it was enough to get me to examine my behaviour and take responsibility for it.



Carl,

It takes 2 to make a relationship work. If she is not willing to look at how she treats you, what makes you think that you can "fix" everything?

I know you want to be with her. But why? What qualities does she possess that could outdo the fact that she hasn't treated you (or her) with integrity and respect?

Having been in this position myself, I know that she isn't a "bad" person, so I'm not necessarily blaming her either. She may have issues herself that she isn't aware of. But until she learns what they are and takes steps in changing her behaviour, the relationship will not survive, no matter how "perfect" you try to make yourself. And the same advice goes for you.

hi there

firstly, I think she is alot more giving than me about things, ie not alot worries her because she knows i love her. my problem is no matter how much she texts me she loves me etc, im always waiting for more! i dont know why im like this. I am a confident person normally but when i meet a girl i really like and fall in love with it slowly goes. I think thats why i need reassurance now and again.

my friends tell me to chill out, etc etc and i dont need to worry about nothing as they can see she loves me, so I need to tell myself, she dosnt mean things like i take them. I need to control my emotion to what i think. when I get upset i go quiet and wont look at her, she knows this and seems to back off from me.
I told her before that when im upset a cuddle and a little chat to say im taking it the wrong way in a nice way would work for me. im not asking her to change its just to help me and the situation. Am I really worth losing for, if that can fix it, its no effort in my eyes. If I upset her I would console and make her feel better, not walk away. Yes she maybe cant do that but why ruin a lovely relationship for something so small that can be sorted. Maybe my sensitivty cant but the way i deal with it can.

Can she help with this by maybe analising her behaviour? she told her ex told her she was cold. She isnt cold. I feel its ok for her to get upset and me understand, but she cant cope when im upset. I wish I could understand. we are really close, she texts me the most lovliest things, but cant say them so much to my face.

She text me this morning saying she misses me and a picture of a crying face, also tells me she loves me. If she really wants it over with then why say these things and mess my emotions? I told her to delete my number and delete me from facebook but she wont she says she doesnt want to lose me completley. She has her nursing placement in 2 weeks, it is the final one of her 3 year course, she said she cant risk messing it up cause she already gets anxious over that, and I understand that. but I know that I cant wait 3 months, it will fizzle out in that time and I really dont want it to cause i love her from the bottom of my heart i really do. I cant live with myself for my stupidity.
But she needs to either cut me off, number, facebook etc or we sort it out. I told her im not being there like a brother, i cant live with that. but she still loves, cares and misses me.

im not going to text her but im worried that she will think i dont care when its killing me really. on the other hand she knows I want her and can click her fingers and ill be there so what do i do here? guys i really need your help

thanks
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Old 29th August 2011, 9:20 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carl_t View Post
my problem is no matter how much she texts me she loves me etc, im always waiting for more! i dont know why im like this. I am a confident person normally but when i meet a girl i really like and fall in love with it slowly goes. I think thats why i need reassurance now and again.
Ok, confidence is mostly only an external appearance. Relationships are more than just about confidence. It's about how we feel about our true selves. This can be extrememly scary stuff: being with someone we love often reveals those parts of ourselves which feel the most vulnerable. You need to figure out where your insecurity is coming from, as whatever it is, someone else isn't going to fill the gap. And neither should they.

Have you also considered the possibility that your ex may be just as equally scared? She may be covering it up by acting like the "strong, cold one". However, the more that you show her that you are always there for her, the more she feels secure in her love for you. She may want to reciprocate, but be uncomfortable in herself in doing so.

Quote:
we are really close, she texts me the most lovliest things, but cant say them so much to my face.
Quote:
I feel its ok for her to get upset and me understand, but she cant cope when im upset.
Quote:
She text me this morning saying she misses me and a picture of a crying face, also tells me she loves me.
Quote:
I told her before that when im upset a cuddle and a little chat to say im taking it the wrong way in a nice way would work for me. im not asking her to change its just to help me and the situation.
Have you noticed that she tends to express her feelings mainly via text whereas you tend to value more direct communication and action-based gestures of love (i.e. wanting a cuddle for reassurance).

Sounds like she has problems with intimacy and expressing herself physically. But this is something only she can work on. It is not for you to do it for her.

Quote:
my friends tell me to chill out, etc etc and i dont need to worry about nothing as they can see she loves me, so I need to tell myself, she dosnt mean things like i take them. I need to control my emotion to what i think. when I get upset i go quiet and wont look at her, she knows this and seems to back off from me.
With all due respect, your friends weren't dating her. You were.

I'm interested to know though what it is exactly that upsets you about what she says? Is it her tone of voice? Her words? Or both?

Quote:
If I upset her I would console and make her feel better, not walk away. Yes she maybe cant do that but why ruin a lovely relationship for something so small that can be sorted.
Again, this may be her issue, not yours. Perhaps she is uncomfortable with showing this kind of nurturing. Some people will let their insecurities get the better of them and find it easier to walk away than address them.

Quote:
Maybe my sensitivty cant but the way i deal with it can.
Exactly. This is why you need to focus on understanding you and your behaviours and not hers.

Quote:
But she needs to either cut me off, number, facebook etc or we sort it out. I told her im not being there like a brother, i cant live with that. but she still loves, cares and misses me.
Again, you can't control what she does/doesn't do. If she refuses to cut you out, then you must be strong enough to do it yourself. Stop giving her all the responsibility and take some for yourself.

At the moment, she knows she can play with your feelings for her and she may be pretty confused herself. But for your own emotional wellbeing, go NC. Nothing will be resolved if you both keep messing with the other's head.

Last edited by TrueColors; 29th August 2011 at 9:23 PM..
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Old 30th August 2011, 12:14 AM   #6
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you just need somebody that understand you and are mature enough to give you the emotional support you need. believe me, the right guy never make you feel that way.
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Old 30th August 2011, 1:38 AM   #7
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Carl, True Colours has given you some great advice here. You're trying to make sense of and fix everything all at once, whilst at the same time you are very upset. First thing is to calm down, and you do that by losing contact with her.

Why does she have to cut off communication? Are you not allowed? Is it illegal for you to do that? No, you can, you're probably just afraid to. You're afraid to upset your ex. You think she'll dislike you for it. She will, but in all likelihood she'll feel relief too, as will you.

Thing is, we can all feel a range of emotions for someone at the same time. She may feel rejected and therefore dislike you, but she may also feel love for you and respect for you finally doing something assertive. All depends on how she deals with the world and how she's wired. All things well beyond your control.

What will make you start feeling better is making your words and actions marry up. Right now, you need a break from relationships to regain your health. So say that to yourself. Say it to her if you feel the need to contact her again to tell her you're going no contact.

Once you make that break, you can start working on your trust, assertiveness, independence and self-esteem issues, all of which have loads of potential and will help you grow as a man. Being single it will mean you can work on these things at your pace, instead of being trapped in the hurricane of a difficult relationship.

Good luck, brother.
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