JohnEl Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Im really thinking about my ex right now. I really miss her and want to see her. I know she's moved on from me but I'm still having trouble moving on and not thinking about her. I've been having ups and downs and right now it's a down. I wonder if she's thinking about me at all? How can she not miss me at all? How is she so fine with moving on so quickly? Day 7 NC today. Right now I really want her to come back but i know that will only be temporary relief. It's hard to imagine her being happy with someone else tho. I keep thinking she will call me sometime and try to reconcile but I know that won't ever happen I'm nothing to her now. Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 You make a lot of presumptions there - how do you honestly know what she's feeling right now? Anyway, as I'm sure others will say - don't break NC. You're only on day 7 and that's barely a weeks holiday. Nothing good will come of it trust me on that one, only you'll feel worse. Right now you feel terrible, you're in a down mood. No matter what that is the worse time to contact an ex. It's like going food shopping when you're hungry, you just end up buying stuff you don't want or need. NC is hard for everyone and we all go through what you're going through. Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I really want her to come back but i know that will only be temporary relief. . Congrats on 7 days NC. Your statement above really says it all though. Any relief is temporary and you are likely to end up back hurting again. Unfortunately, you have to go through the pain (so sorry). This pain is a reflection of your capacity to love. It is a good thing to care! Keep being strong and push through. One day at a time. I know you don't want to hear that, there are times that I still don't want to hear that and there is NOTHING anyone can say to make me feel better. I wind up being a sobbing mess and missing him...and I am on week 9! But, it passes and I get to a better moment. Week 9 wll become week 10, and before I know it, months will go by. The more time that goes on, the better moments will happen more often. Sad moments will always creep in, but it will get better, I promise. Especially when you meet someone in the future that treats you well And if she comes back, she comes back... but she might not. Do not waste your life waiting for her. Go through the emotions and take all the time you need. Cry, scream, whatever. But, you ultimately need to let go of her and accept that there is nothing that you can do right now. A lot of us are in your exact situation, so do not feel alone! Take Care Link to post Share on other sites
giuliano-3 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 You never know anything for sure in this world. She might call someday to reconcile, but if you've been waiting around for that call then it'll be pointless if/when it comes. She's out living her life, whether she's progressing or regressing having fun or miserable doesn't matter. She might still think about you, she might not. She might regret not having you, maybe not. Recognize a pattern here? You will never know what she's up to/what she's really thinking. Ever. Searching for a needle in a haystack, man. Give it up. Trust me, the sooner you give up the search for her mindset the sooner you can start getting on with your recovery. The only way you can affect her mindset is by changing yourself, moving forward with your own life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnEl Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 I know she feels that she's doing better without me. She's got a new job, and a new boyfriend (who she started dating the same week we broke up). I've heard from mutual friends that she's really happy right now. SHe said she doesn't want to hurt me but needs to do what makes her happy. She was ready to marry me, now she doesn't want anything to do with me. I just don't understand how she can move on and forget everything we had going for us so quickly. We had a lot of great things getting ready to happen and she threw it all away. And it's killing me. I keep thinking she will realize what we had and want to come back once this "fling" is over but then i realize that isn't true, she feels like I hurt her too many times and is happy to not be with me. Link to post Share on other sites
giuliano-3 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I know she feels that she's doing better without me. She's got a new job, and a new boyfriend (who she started dating the same week we broke up). I've heard from mutual friends that she's really happy right now. SHe said she doesn't want to hurt me but needs to do what makes her happy. She was ready to marry me, now she doesn't want anything to do with me. I just don't understand how she can move on and forget everything we had going for us so quickly. We had a lot of great things getting ready to happen and she threw it all away. And it's killing me. I keep thinking she will realize what we had and want to come back once this "fling" is over but then i realize that isn't true, she feels like I hurt her too many times and is happy to not be with me. Dude, my point is that you do not know what she is thinking/feeling right now. Some friend said this, she's doing that. Doesn't matter. You have no clue what regret or shame she might be dealing with. There are tons of forums on here about GIGS, read those and see if maybe that might have something to do with your scenario. My ex's "fling" is going on 15 months now, and it was the definition of fling. But now they're long distance, long term partners. Go figure. Yes, it will keep killing you as long as you decide to wonder about if and when she'll come running back and say "lets work this out." The only way that happens in a positive way is if you've progressed and become a different person. You will never go back to that point in time to when you were both in love the first time. I feel for you man, really I do. I want to reach out and shake you. Stop equating the breakup to something you may or may not have done. It was her decision. Its about her. For whatever reason, she moved on and now you have only one choice : Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnEl Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 Your right, I dont know for sure but I have a pretty good idea that she's happy. I know it doesn't really matter anymore but it's still on my mind bc this is still so fresh and it hurts to know someone else is making her happier than I did. Just a few weeks ago she was madly in love with me and things changed so quickly. I just hurts man. We were gonna get married next summer and move intogether in a couple of weeks. We both wanted all this and she threw it all away so quickly and started something new with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
giuliano-3 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 My man, I know exactly what you're going through. Exactly. Its very hard to not think about the ex having a great time and just having forgotten about you. In reality it may or may not be the case. I got from my ex, 3 months after she disappeared, how she had actually been feeling a tremendous deal of remorse, pain, guilt, shame etc while she was having "the time of her life." You just never know. Any time my name was mentioned, certain shows came on, certain songs came on - she would feel horribly depressed and guilty. All the while she was with another man in a foreign land, travelling and having "the time of her life." And feeling very guilty at times. And having a great time also. Fun and guilt are not mutually exclusive. They often go together actually. When there wasn't a real explanation or even an effort to make an explanation it can make it all the harder. I loved this girl with all my heart, wanted to marry her, wanted to have kids with her, wanted to be happy forever with her. I realize now that I wanted those things so bad I couldn't see the forest for the trees. Because maybe (definitely) she didn't want those things, despite saying she did. Maybe she wanted out, found an avenue and just dipped when the dipping was good. Maybe she was planning this for awhile. I'll never know. The good news? I really don't care anymore. It took way too long, but better late than never I guess. Good luck!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnEl Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 How long did it take for you to realize that she's not coming back? How long for you to stop caring about what she's doing and how she's with someone else? I've been thinking a lot about the great memories with her and how much she loved me. I miss it so much right now and would give anything to have that back. I feel like I'll never stop thinking about it and that I'll never get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
Dblock10 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 (edited) yeah you will man. sadly you never know how long it will take. it just depends when you can move on, meet new people and put it behind you... it took me over a year and a half with my first love whom i was with for 3.5 years and she left got with someone 2 weeks after the end also. shes still with him. i stalked her fb out of curiosity. and felt.. nothing! its like it never happened lol. how weird.. and actually, you only get over them once you realise life goes on and there is nothing you can do. you move on when you are at a place no longer to "loose them" forever if need be... Edited August 18, 2011 by Dblock10 Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 yeah you will man. sadly you never know how long it will take. it just depends when you can move on, meet new people and put it behind you... it took me over a year and a half with my first love whom i was with for 3.5 years and she left got with someone 2 weeks after the end also. shes still with him. i stalked her fb out of curiosity. and felt.. nothing! its like it never happened lol. how weird.. and actually, you only get over them once you realise life goes on and there is nothing you can do. you move on when you are at a place no longer to "loose them" forever if need be... It is strange that past relationships feel like they never happened. It's as though the new heartache takes up too much room that you cannot hold any memories of the old pains. Perhaps it is a defense mechanism, because one heart can only tolerate so much. But we always tell ourselves that this last one was the one, they were it, they will never be another like them. But what was life like before them? Did you has heartache before? Probably, yes. But then you met her. And how do you know there is no one better in your future! Simple, you don't. You dont want to let go because she is familiar to you. Its easy to stay with what we know than to move on. I am in the same boat as you. I love him, I want him to call me right now, I want to marry him. But this is not going to happen, and my logic tells me thats for the best. The unknown is scary. But it is exciting as well. Link to post Share on other sites
giuliano-3 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 and actually, you only get over them once you realise life goes on and there is nothing you can do. you move on when you are at a place no longer to "loose them" forever if need be... Spot on. I kept contact for so long because I was afraid of losing her forever. Big mistake. The opposite is more true. You can only reconnect with some meaning if and when you stop the pathetic charade and start L-I-V-I-N. No female wants to be with a man who's feeling sorry for himself. Not one. John, it took me until a couple months ago to realize she's never coming back. Another few weeks to realize that was a good thing. Another few weeks to not care. That's 15 total months of not living my life. 15 months of being a pathetic, sniveling B. As for the memories. Well, its funny. The trip we took still lives in my mind pretty clearly even though that's one of the first things we did together. 2 months of sunshine, beaches, fun. You know what I remember about it now? Sunshine, beaches and fun. That's it. She was a part of it, but not all of it. But the memories of that trip were the ones killing me when all this started. I'd dwell on all the things we did together there, that being the place we really fell in love. Now I want to go back. Alone. Would have been a better trip alone anyway, freedom to travel wherever and spending way less than half the amount I spent. John, I was right there. I couldn't imagine being with anyone different. Try to remember times during the relationship where something bothered you. Did you ever feel like it wouldn't work out? Ever want to break up with her but didn't because you were worried what would happen to her? Give it time and some honest reflection. Try to see the red flags you missed while your "love" blinders were on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnEl Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 i saw my ex while driving home from work today. i drove right by her. i dont know if she saw me or not but i could see her clear as day. it really upset me. it made me pretty sad, i havent seen her in almost 3 weeks and havent talked to her in one week. i know im going to see her around from time to time and i know it will hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 i saw my ex while driving home from work today. i drove right by her. i dont know if she saw me or not but i could see her clear as day. it really upset me. it made me pretty sad, i havent seen her in almost 3 weeks and havent talked to her in one week. i know im going to see her around from time to time and i know it will hurt. JohnEl, you survived these 3 weeks and you will surivive the next three... And the three after that, and so on... Let yourself grieve. It's ok to feel like **** for a while. Just embrace it and remember you will be ok. This bad feeling is not forever! Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted August 19, 2011 Share Posted August 19, 2011 How long did it take for you to realize that she's not coming back? How long for you to stop caring about what she's doing and how she's with someone else? I've been thinking a lot about the great memories with her and how much she loved me. I miss it so much right now and would give anything to have that back. I feel like I'll never stop thinking about it and that I'll never get over it. Yes. you will get over it, the stage you're in sucks because you're still panicky over the loss. Acceptance takes time, it all depends on how long you hold on to the hope of her coming back. At 4 1/2 months out I still sometimes have these visions that he's going to show up on my door step... But I have accepted it's not going to happen. You won't stop caring over night unfortunately, it's a process. One week of NC is very good. Set a goal for making it 7 more days. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts