Please Help Me.

[scaredandscared]

OK I have an issue. I have been married for almost a year and this marriage is in trouble. My husband has issues in his life that is too much for me to cope with. First off we are both 24 and I knew him when all of this was going on. When he was 19 he stole merchandise out of a store that he was working in. The store pressed charges and he was on a pre trial intervention program for six months. Then he was working another job he was accused of being cruel to the infirmed. Even though these charges were baseless, this was still a violation of his probation. He then had warrants out for his arrest and he ended up paying a lawyer to get him out of the violation. Now he is on real probation for one year. He is also in the army reserves as a lueteniant. When they did a background check they found out that it was not clean. They wanted to court martial him but instead agreed to let him dicharge honorably.

 

 

NOW......we have moved to another state and somehow they made him join the reserves here. Today they left a message on the machine saying that it was VERY important that he get back to them. AND.. he was teaching school and a student was agressive with him.. he hit the student and was forced to resign. AND now I am so worried, what if the student go to the police? What if the reserves want to court martial him? ANd most of all what happens if he has to go to jail because of him hitting the student? Everyday I worry about when is he going to do the right thing. He is 24 and a college graduate. He loses every job that he has.

 

I AM SCARED TO DEATH IF HE GOES TO PRISON. I have heard stories about men getting raped and beat up there. I have heard that many men there contract HIV. I know that if he go I will never want to be with him again. But, I feel bad. I know that he is feeling bad about his situation and I do not want to add to his pain by pressing the issue. Really, he is a nice guy. He makes dumb choices. AM I WRONG TO WANT TO END THINGS BECAUSE OF THIS? IS THIS THE FOR BETTER OR WORSE? Everyday I am scared to listen to the messages, check the mail and I am scared that the police is gonna show up at our home. I worry so much that I get physically sick. I wonder alot about what people are gonna think. Am I being a bad wife. SOMEONE PLEASE TALK TO ME. i CAN'T DEAL WITH ALL OF THIS BY MYSELF.

[Tony T]

The greatest number of people get through life just fine without these kinds of incidents. I think this guy will be big trouble for you until he grows up and that could take some time. My recommendation is to dust him and find a guy who knows how to conduct himself properly in everyday life without having to get the authorities involved.

[quankanne]

I hate the thought of a marriage, any marriage, breaking up, but there are several things to consider when you look at it from the view of a lifetime commitment:

 

even if you are willing to do right by your marriage, making the necessary compromises because you understand that it strengthens the relationship, it doesn't mean that the other person has a similar sense of commitment.

 

if you understand that you have to work a little harder for the sake of that relationship and are willing to change/mature because it helps the relationship, but the other person refuses to, you really don't have much to work with.

 

in your case, maybe it is best if you dissolve the marriage (i.e. divorce the guy), because it's pretty clear to me that he's got a lot of problems to work on before he can fully give of himself to a partner.

 

at this point, though, I'd suggest that you go to counselling with or without him -- you're going to need the kind of tools it provides to help you deal with these issues.

 

best of luck to you,

quank

[Arabess]

It seems to me he has been socially forgiven many times. So many times, in fact, he has still to learn the lesson that with wrong actions come penalites.

 

Yes, he may lose his job.

Yes, he may lose rank or get dismissed from military duty.

Yes, he may go to jail.

Yes, he may even lose his wife.

 

The deal is....he's 24. Regardless of the price he may have to pay, he still has time to grow up and learn to make better decisions before he reacts irresponsibly again.

 

You are probably doing him more of a favor by letting him face the music without you there to hold his hand. After all is said and done....THEN decide if he is the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with and father children with. You should apply the "tough love" theory....and see if it jars him into some responsible thinking.

[Reckless]

Woody Allen once referred to 'Kamikaze people' people whose lives are permanent disasters, who make bad decision after bad decision and who just never learn or cannot learn the rules that would keep them from pain. These people of course seem to attract trouble and can't seem to walk down the street without smashing themselves into the one and only tree to be seen for miles - your husband sounds like one of these. As you have already seen, it can be a bumpy ride living with and loving such a person.

 

One year of marriage and you're already exhausted and who can blame you; theft, bad work relations, physical aggression (while on probation) and I bet a whole bag of other problems you haven't mentioned here and only 24.

Your husband is ,and will continue to be, bad news.

 

But, on the 'good side' as has been said, he's only 24 obviously bright.. maybe he'll wake up but he will only do so and decide on another attitude to life, authority, responsibility and self control when he is FORCED to take responsibility for his actions. Not by moving to another State but by paying the bill.

 

I'm sorry you are paying that bill too, that's marriage. Should you stay? That's your call but what ever you do don't protect him, lie for him or go down with him. If physically or mentally you are unable to support him, if he refuses help (counseling - anger management springs to mind for a start off) or is incapable of being anything but a walking disaster, you're young and no saint - save yourself!