cjyoung1993 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Context: I was with my girlfriend for 3 and a half years (we are 18) and have been very little to no contact for 4 months. The break up was extremely hard for me, she made her mistakes and i made some less substantial ones but whatever that's besides the point. She is now with a guy who she met just before we broke up, been with him for a couple weeks. Here is the story: I recently contacted her to talk and to make sure that whatever we had was over, or if there was anything there. You know what they say...Its better knowing and being disappointed than not knowing at all. So we met up, we talked and I heard what I thought I would hear...``its not the right timing"...Is there anything there? shakes head solemnly**...So i get up to leave but she keeps me with her, she asks me to stay, starts crying. I stay and we talk some more, we walk to the harbourfront and talk...Then she says she'll drive me home (she has a car I don't). We get in the car and get near my house. So i'm getting ready to leave but again she asks me to stay...I ask her why keep me when you don't want to be with me...She says this is the last time we are going to talk (I said I couldn't be friends how we were promise I will be sometime later)...its around 3am now, we're talking and saying that we love eachother, that we'll always love eachother and care about eachother so much, that we'll be there for eachother... She also said that she missed me a lot when I wasn't talking to her (I thought she didn't think about me at all while i was thinking about her all the time) and that when she wanted to call me she called everyone she knew and cried.Throughout the whole night she wants me to say that I will be her friend. Then she says exactly this "I know this is cheesy, but...To me, you're home." and says that the song "home" by edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros always reminds her of me. (we never listened to this together, its her own song) So I say...come home (lol this is like a crappy drama) and she replies, I need to explore...so I say, home won't be here forever...and she sadly says "I know". After talking for a little more it all happens suddenly, there's this huge attraction between us and I know there's a great connection both physically and socially, we could always talk and never ran out of things to say for 3 and a half years. We makeout, and do everything but have sex because there weren't any condoms. After we do that, she seemed sad, felt guilty (she's with someone), we joke around and talk and shes laughing again and says exactly this "I feel bad, but I don't feel bad only because it's you". we're naked and she continues kissing me, and lies on me. I say "did you do what you wanted or did you do it because you are horny". she said "I did what I wanted". Eventually we establish that we love eachother and will always love eachother. I ask, me or him? I know we have something special and a much more special connection than you have with him, she replies "of course we do" (for the first time ever i'm realising she has her own issues and is very confused)"it'sjust bad timing, we're too comfortable and if we're comfortable we're not driven to work hard"(previous years we weren't as active as we both expected in the extracurricular scene) and we talked about that for a while and I said "i'm not going to try to convince you to be with me and weigh out the pro's or cons, just think about what you want to do, I know we can push eachother in university"...All in all she is choosing to continue the relationship with the other guy. I told her I would be with her no matter what, and if she really needed help, I would be there for her. Just don't call me to be a rebound. By now its 8am and i'm about to leave, she's crying again and keeps crying for a couple minutes until i leave. She says "I love you". I was with her for 15 hours, and we never stopped talking. I don't know anyone I know better or knows me better, I don't know anyone I can converse with so easily and I know we have something very special. I want to continue being her friend, but if I am I think we will always be more than that. I'm wondering, should we be best friends with benefits (like both of us free to date other people but have eachother no matter what), or is this something I will really regret, something that does not happen. I love this girl, no matter how messed up she gets/is and I know I will always be there for her, I know it. I just don't want to be taken for a ride, and I don't know if I can continue this type of relationship with her without getting those feelings back, the feelings of wanting to be her boyfriend even though I think I can hold them off. I want to be in her life, and I know she wants to be in mine. We love eachother so much and are so comfortable with eachother. What do I do? Do I not talk to her again, make it back like before, no contact, always thinking about her (so freaking painful)? Or do I start talking to her (she suggested talking to me atleast once a week, she missed me a lot) and occasionally meet up and take it from there. Thank you everyone from LS and anyone who read my post! Please help me! (Important to note is that we are both going to University of Western Ontario for the Ivey program next year.) Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 The best thing for you to do is NC. You can not be friends with her. You are both young but theres one key thing, she left you for another guy. I know its hard to not be friends with someone like that but it happens. Not only did she leave you for another guy. She cheated with you on her new boyfriend. This is not a good situation for you to be in. You both are about to start school and meet a lot of new people. Dont hang your life around her. She made the decision to leave you. You need to make the decision to not be friends with someone that treated you this way. Trust me you will meet more and more people out there Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author cjyoung1993 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 (edited) But we are such great friends, how can i let such a connection go? I know she is at a very confused stage of her life but I know she loves me aswell. Any other suggestions? Edited August 18, 2011 by cjyoung1993 Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Whos to say after you have healed, you can't be friends with her again. Right now you have to break free from her emotionally. Its not fair to you to hang around with her and still stay in contact with her. I know you are young and this is a good friend but you have to take a lot of time and space to yourself for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cjyoung1993 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 It felt so right though and I love spending time together, and does anyone have best friends with benefits? Or is that completely wrong...Completely detaching emotionally is proving difficult, and im not sure I ever will. Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 It felt so right though and I love spending time together, and does anyone have best friends with benefits? Or is that completely wrong...Completely detaching emotionally is proving difficult, and im not sure I ever will. You will detach, it just takes a lot of time and separation and NC is the only way to go. You might want to tread lightly on the best friends with benefits. If you were dating a girl and she had a best friends with benefits on the side that was her ex, how would you like that? Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I agree with Wilsonx. You say everything is so special yet even after 15 hours, she picks another guy over you. Then she wants to be friends so she can have her cake and eat it too. She wants you as a backup plan if the new guy doesn''t work out. For you to be friends and say you will always be there for her gives her everything she wants. Why should she be with you when she can have it all? The friends with benefits is not only a horrible way for you to try to hang on to her, it makes you look pathetic and like you have no self respect to her. You are willing to be second place while she is screwing another guy. What woman would respect that in a guy? No, you can't be friends with her. The jealousy and hope will eat you up. If you two have something so special. the only way for her to realize it is for her to miss you which means total and complete NC. She can't miss you if you are waiting around like a dog for crumbs. You don't answer anything unless she says she wants you back. The NC will be the toughest thing you have to do, but use it to heal. If she doesn't want you back after missing you, then you have your answer, she doesn't want you. And if she is going to come back, she is only going to do it after missing you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cjyoung1993 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 I never said I would be there for her forever in that way, only when she has a huge issue or a huge problem because I know that if she calls, I will bail her from basically anything...I won`t be there relationship-wise forever and I think I made that clear and told her i'm not going to be a rebound and i'm not going to be there for that...I think I will follow your advice and not contact her, but I was thinking that it isn`t such a bad situation. A best friend you can talk to atleast and fool around with, whilst not being tied down? Sounds pretty interesting to me, does anyone agree with that or am I just entering something I will regret. Thanks again for the feedback guys! Link to post Share on other sites
antinko Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 I never said I would be there for her forever in that way, only when she has a huge issue or a huge problem because I know that if she calls, I will bail her from basically anything...I won`t be there relationship-wise forever and I think I made that clear and told her i'm not going to be a rebound and i'm not going to be there for that...I think I will follow your advice and not contact her, but I was thinking that it isn`t such a bad situation. A best friend you can talk to atleast and fool around with, whilst not being tied down? Sounds pretty interesting to me, does anyone agree with that or am I just entering something I will regret. Thanks again for the feedback guys! Honestly? You're kidding yourself and settling for second best if you do that. You obviously love this girl and you'll simply be holding on hoping for more, but could well be disappointed. You need to show her you're strong and disengage. Don't worry, I made the mistake of 'being there' for an ex and it achieves nothing other than damaging your self esteem. You just have to show yourself some tough love sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 Don't worry, I made the mistake of 'being there' for an ex and it achieves nothing other than damaging your self esteem. You just have to show yourself some tough love sometimes. agreed. i too made the mistake of being there for an ex (it was a friends with benefits situation too). it lasted for 2.5 years and was the lowest point in my life. all he did was use me emotionally and physically until he decided he was a ready for a relationship. at which point he cut off the benefits with me (saying he just wanted to be friends) and started setting up online dating profiles to find the one. soon after that i came to my senses and cut off the friendship for good. it's one thing to be there for a friend no matter what. but all you're doing is giving her a license to use you (be it for sex, an emotional crutch, an ego boost, etc) and give nothing in return. a true friend will give as good as you get. as wilson already stated, she's cheating with you while she's with someone else. it doesn't sound like you're getting much of anything out of this but confusion, misery and a broken heart that's continuing to be strung along. it's not worth it. cut all ties and allow yourself to heal. you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 18, 2011 Share Posted August 18, 2011 you're cheating yourself by staying with this girl. SHe left you for a guy weeks before you actually broke up. Then, she cheats on him with you. Perphaps there is a girl out there for you that wants to be with you. That isn't confused about being with you. But, she going to pass you right by because you're playing games with a girl that stated that she doesn't want to be with you. Do yourself a favor and go NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cjyoung1993 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 So the overall consensus is to go NC...Damn thats hard friggin blows, 4 months down and I still feel it, I love her but I feel like I can love her on a different level, without emotions? I guess i'm just tricking myself. Before I left I told her I would contact her when I was ready, and told her not to call me, she cried. Was sad, lol. This girl is so confused...Everyone says NC eh? No one for the best friends with benefits ? I feel like I could pull it off, and it being mutual, I wouldn't care if shes with another dude and she wouldn't care if i was with another girl. Is this a joke? I could just wait until im emotionally detached then be friends with her like you're all saying...I suppose that's a good idea. Man, seeing her and hearing that she still cared really felt good though...haha i guess that means I'm not over it. Thanks everyone for their advice and feel free to give more feedback. : ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author cjyoung1993 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Share Posted August 18, 2011 Damn i read that over and I sound confused haha... Link to post Share on other sites
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