How has the aftermath changed your approach to relationships?

[thelovingkind]

I feel like I have enough distance from my break up now to start getting a sense of which thoughts and beliefs were just emotional fallout or temporary coping mechanisms, and which changes were more fundamental and long-lasting shifts in perspective.

 

I think one of the big things that has changed is my lackadaisical approach to the early stages of dating. In the past I have been fairly carefree when I've met new people and let things tumble along at their own pace, frisky and usually fairly quickly, as is often the case with new love. Major alarm bells like abusive tendencies or total arrogance would put me off but in short so long as we were having fun, the attraction was there and they seemed like a vaguely "nice" person I would just go with the flow. After a few heartbreaks though, I became more cautious.

 

At the beginning of my last relationship I noticed I was much more hesitant in the first couple weeks than my partner was. He wanted to, I wouldn't say "push" things, but he was quite happy to dive right in like I used to, while I was asking myself a lot of questions, being quite hesitant and second-guessing my feelings, etc. After a few weeks the boxes were ticked to proceed to the next stage and I let myself relax into the relationship more and get comfortable. It ended up with his infatuation going cold and me reeling in agony for over a month while he walked away from the whole affair unscathed.

 

I don't think I'm emotionally damaged - yet - but I'm pretty much one spoke behind it on the heartbreak wheel. I've regained confidence in my ability to trust again, and fall in love again, and put myself out there again, but I have zero confidence in how I'm going to go about it. I think I can expect to be even more guarded than last time, and I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing - probably a sign of growing maturity more than anything else - but I'm wary of my new, mature guarded self being mistaken for someone who is emotionally vacant or emotionally unavailable. I'm not sure I would want to talk about it either, cause I can see how that would come across in the early days: "Hey, I'm ....., and these are my issues."

 

Of course, we can't plan out in advance how things will go, because it's easy to do that when all feelings are set to neutral and there's no blips on the radar yet, but I don't think it's a bad idea to anticipate some of the things you'll feel and how you'll try to go about it in a different way.

 

I think for me the key to staying sensible and being on guard while not presenting myself as a burnt-out emotional hermit will be to postpone any talk about "us", our future, plans, hopes and dreams for our relationship, travels, etc. for a while and just focus on enjoying the connection with someone new in the opening stages while being totally open to the possibility that it could all disappear very quickly. And that way if it does head south, there'll be less of that "Oh, but you promised..." and "But, we were supposed to..." from my end which is the stuff that emotional damage is made of.

 

Probably my biggest weakness in the past has been to fudge together the new, exciting, lustrous infatuation side of things with the long-term potential, steady partnership aspect of relationships. I don't think that new love feeling is a bad thing to be avoided, I just want to register in my mind that it is a unique experience that can be enjoyed independent of long-term commitment and that if I'm to keep optimistic and emotionally unburdened I need to learn to enjoy a new connection for its own rewards without tying those rewards to the potential of a life-long partnership and then being wrecked when the first goes down and brings the hope of the other with it.

 

Anyway, how has coping with the loss of your last relationship altered your fundamental (not temporary "All guys/girls are players" phase) outlook on relationships? Do you feel properly damaged or set free? More cautious or just more of the same but with a better partner next time?

[Yellow_Duck'y]

I feel indifferent, mostly. A part of me is gone, but replaced by a more realistic view of myself, my strengths/my weaknesses, and a gentler acceptance of myself.

 

When I was rejected, it crushed me. I would estimate that 25% was ego, 50% was sadness , and 25% was anger and disappointment towards him for how he treated me in the aftermath. The sadness and anger were longer in duration, I struggled with that for a long time.

 

Good thread.