Having a hard time with NC

[JohnEl]

I want to call, text or email my Ex girlfriend so bad right now. It's so hard. We were together for three years. I saw her or talked to her everyday for three years and now it's nothing at all. I want to tell her I'm sorry for taking her for granted and that i love her so much. I keep thinking that she's going to come back. Maybe if i just give her space, she will realize what we had was great and come back to it. But I know that's not true. She's with someone else already and is happy to not be with me and feel neglected. We won't ever get back together. How does NC help me here? I miss her so much.

[antinko]

It helps you maintain your dignity. Honestly, it'll save you extra heart ache.

 

I'm no longer ashamed with the way I was in contact with my ex, but it achieved nothing other than make me feel bad.

[lymtal1]

JohnEl sorry you are hurting so much. The reality is contact gives you hope when there may not be any. At this point you need to take your mind away from hope.

 

It is a hard thing to get around because you have two parts of your body at work. Your brain may rationalize that there really is no hope that the relationship was really bad for you and that you have to move on and they are not coming back. That is what it sounded like you think. Your heart on the other hand has not gone there and may not for a long time. That is ok. You have to keep bringing your heart back to that reality

 

Trust me I have been there over the past two months. The first month and a half I did everything I could to be in contact. I rationalized every reason to contact her. At some point I figured out that we were not getting back together, she made it perfectly clear that was the case. As much as I hurt I came to the conclusion that if I kept doing what I was doing I was going down a dead end street. At some point you realize that no matter what you try it just doesn't matter.

 

 

N/C gives you a time to heal even though it may not feel that way. If you really do N/C please do it fully. There has to be no way that they can find you.

 

Honestly it has been very tough. I have been on real N/C for exactly two weeks and although my heart still hurts bad, I know that it does not hurt as much as when I was putting myself through more false hope when I was keeping in contact.

[Under The Radar]

JohnEl,

 

As painful as the breakup is right now you should not break NC. She is with someone else right now and if she wanted to contact you she would. Reaching out to her, and getting no response (or bread crumbs), will only set you back in the healing process. Of course, like most people, I learned the hard way that breaking NC usually creates MORE pain. That includes no texts, phone calls, twitter, facebook, etc... Give it a couple months and you will see that the pain will slowly start to decrease. In the meantime, keep posting on LS and surround yourself with friends to help get through the acute phase of the breakup. Make sure you are taking care of yourself during this very difficult time - hang in there.

[giuliano-3]

John, a word of caution. If I had found out about this site and NC earlier it would have saved me a world of hurt. After being dumped in the worst way (no call, email, letter etc) I let her back into my life after 3 months NC. We talked and talked, had hour long convos which I thought were easing my mind but really only served to cater to her ego. Convinced myself that one day she would hop on a plane and come down to visit/surprise me. Never happened, and I had every indication from her words that she would come down. Her actions, in leaving me and other ways, should have told me it was a pipe dream.

 

Talking to the ex will serve you very little purpose right now. It may soothe your curiosity short-term, but long-term it opens a Pandora's Box of pitfalls.

 

The fact that I've ignored her past 4-5 phone calls made the past few months has indeed preserved my dignity and I feel much better about myself. It has allowed me to heal, to think about dating someone better suited for me, to think about my future without my ex in it. If you keep the lines of communication open, fine. I'm not saying delete, delete, delete. That works for some, not for others. My lines are open, I just choose to not answer the call.

 

Dude, its gonna be real hard for a while to not be obsessed about her. Real hard. You will probably slip up at some point, you will probably do something you later regret. Just try to never beg, plead or justify her actions. You will regret this, believe me.

[Chi townD]

NC is a tool to help you heal. period! No one should try to use NC as a way to get the person that left you back. That person left. NC is giving you time to heal from a broken relationship. Hell, there are people on this website that have been in the same boat you are right now. They were a total mess. Wanting to contact their Ex's and us telling them it's a bad idea. Then, months down the road, that same person starts a thread that you'll never believed that their Ex contacted them and wanted to get back together. The funny thing is, the OP usually says that they are over them and want to move on with their lives. Hang in there. You'll get there.

[JohnEl]

I feel like I'm using NC to try and make her realize what she threw away. To make her think I'm moving on and maybe that will make her miss me and want to come back. I need to use it to heal and to move on. My friend dated a girl for 4 years and then she broke up with him. They didn't talk for 2 years but suddenly got back together a couple months ago. That gives me false hope. I know she's not coming back but im not able to accept it for some reason. I can't stop thinking about all the good things and wonder if she's thinking about them too... Then I realize she's probably not thinking about me at all. She's moved on and is happy to not be with me.

[LovelyDaze]

John, a word of caution. If I had found out about this site and NC earlier it would have saved me a world of hurt. After being dumped in the worst way (no call, email, letter etc) I let her back into my life after 3 months NC. We talked and talked, had hour long convos which I thought were easing my mind but really only served to cater to her ego. Convinced myself that one day she would hop on a plane and come down to visit/surprise me. Never happened, and I had every indication from her words that she would come down. Her actions, in leaving me and other ways, should have told me it was a pipe dream.

 

 

giuliano's post hit me hard as it should you. He did all the right things with NC and everything THEN had deep, meaningful discussions with his ex with hopes and dreams that ended up crashing down anyway.

 

To hop on what giuliano was saying, it is not going to be long and winding talks of love, it will be your ex's ACTIONS that tell you all that you need to know. She may come back and then she may not. Here's the thing, if she does come back, what will she do and what will YOU do to correct the broken relationship? It can't be because you two missed each other or have no other options. It has to come from a place of growth, understanding, maturity, self worth, and mutual respect for the other person's feelings and well-being.

 

My ex DID come back and I said No. I knew he was not coming from a genuine place and I promised my own heart I wouldn't let another person run over me like that again. You will know good intentions when you see action. People need to learn to spend some time alone (both dumpees and dumpers) before hoping into a relationship. Take time to heal so you will get to a good place for yourself and for the future person you fall in love with. Hopefully, they will have done the same!

[JohnEl]

I know my ex isn't coming back. I know she's happy. She's not with me and there is

Not any stress in her life. Her new boyfriend gives her all the attention she needs. Its the beginning of a new relationship so it's fun for her. The thought of working things out with me seems crazy to her. She feels like i hurt her too many times. She's not coming back. It's sad bc i now know what went wrong in the relationship. I know how we can make it work and make it better than ever. We would both be so happy with each other but she has no interest in that anymore and I need to accept it and move on. It's very hard to

Tho.

[giuliano-3]

Saying/thinking things like "I know...we can make it work...better than ever" is not gonna cut it long-term. You have to accept the very real possibility that this is not the case. If I seem heavy handed its because I had to wrestle with this notion for almost a full year. It was killing me. Re-reading what I wrote months ago is embarrasing now, the important thing is to realize that her current mindset is not the sole reason which prevents you from being together.

 

I used to think things like "if I didn't buy her passport for her she wouldn't have been able to go overseas," "if I didn't tell her I thought she'd leave me maybe she wouldnt' have." All sorts of scenarios like this. In the end, these thoughts are hindering your acceptance of reality. If you had done A,B,C instead of D,E,F then maybe it wouldn't have ended the way it did. Maybe it would have ended better, maybe worse. Maybe you would have lived happily ever after and grown old together with grandkids on your laps. Who knows? Reality, though, is what it is. Conjecture just messes with our ability to accept things as they are.

[JohnEl]

Saying/thinking things like "I know...we can make it work...better than ever" is not gonna cut it long-term. You have to accept the very real possibility that this is not the case. If I seem heavy handed its because I had to wrestle with this notion for almost a full year. It was killing me. Re-reading what I wrote months ago is embarrasing now, the important thing is to realize that her current mindset is not the sole reason which prevents you from being together.

 

I used to think things like "if I didn't buy her passport for her she wouldn't have been able to go overseas," "if I didn't tell her I thought she'd leave me maybe she wouldnt' have." All sorts of scenarios like this. In the end, these thoughts are hindering your acceptance of reality. If you had done A,B,C instead of D,E,F then maybe it wouldn't have ended the way it did. Maybe it would have ended better, maybe worse. Maybe you would have lived happily ever after and grown old together with grandkids on your laps. Who knows? Reality, though, is what it is. Conjecture just messes with our ability to accept things as they are.

 

i dwell too much on the past and try to hard to predict the future. i keep thinking i should would coulda done this our that and things would be different now. and i keep thinking of what i can do to get her back. the fact is shes gone. ive done everything i can to get her back and it didnt work. if she wanted to come back, she would. but she doesnt and i need to accept that and learn to be happy with myself. i would have a lot easier time with this if she didnt start dating someone the same week we broke up.

[Chi townD]

i dwell too much on the past and try to hard to predict the future. i keep thinking i should would coulda done this our that and things would be different now. and i keep thinking of what i can do to get her back. the fact is shes gone. ive done everything i can to get her back and it didnt work. if she wanted to come back, she would. but she doesnt and i need to accept that and learn to be happy with myself. i would have a lot easier time with this if she didnt start dating someone the same week we broke up.

 

John really?!! That's her problem not your's. I kinda think that you're hung up more on the fact (or non-fact) that she could be happy without you rather than the fact that she broke up with you! Look I'm HAPPY AS SNOT not to be with my Ex. With you, it is what it is. Time to close that chapter, HER LOSS!!!!

 

Now, you need to take some time for yourself, make positive changes in your life, HEAL FROM THIS! And find a girl that WILL be happy to be with you! Come on dude!! You really need to snap out of this!

[JohnEl]

John really?!! That's her problem not your's. I kinda think that you're hung up more on the fact (or non-fact) that she could be happy without you rather than the fact that she broke up with you! Look I'm HAPPY AS SNOT not to be with my Ex. With you, it is what it is. Time to close that chapter, HER LOSS!!!!

 

Now, you need to take some time for yourself, make positive changes in your life, HEAL FROM THIS! And find a girl that WILL be happy to be with you! Come on dude!! You really need to snap out of this!

 

i know i need to snap out of this. this is the first time ive dealt with this. i have made progress. im better than i was a few weeks ago. i couldnt eat or sleep or even get outa bed a few weeks ago. im eating normal now and got back in the gym. im making progress. im just gonna be bitter about this for a while bc i still dont know what exactly happened so i keep trying to make sense of it all and thats driving me crazy.

[Chi townD]

Doesn't matter. She made her choice and if it was a mistake on her part, then that's a mistake she'll have to live with, not you!

 

Sorry, if I sounded a bit harsh, but I've read several of your threads and post and really? The only post I REALLY seen that you had anything positive to say. So, what you need to do, is get yourself a game plan. What do you think you need to do to help you through this process? And I have a few questions for you. How old are you? did you go to school? Are you in college? What are your future plans? Do you like to travel?

[JohnEl]

Doesn't matter. She made her choice and if it was a mistake on her part, then that's a mistake she'll have to live with, not you!

 

Sorry, if I sounded a bit harsh, but I've read several of your threads and post and really? The only post I REALLY seen that you had anything positive to say. So, what you need to do, is get yourself a game plan. What do you think you need to do to help you through this process? And I have a few questions for you. How old are you? did you go to school? Are you in college? What are your future plans? Do you like to travel?

 

im 24. i graduated from college 7 months ago. things havent worked out as planned. i havent had much luck in the job market. the only thing i was happy about was my girlfriend. now that shes gone, things got even worse. all im planning to do right now is find a good job. i spend a lot of time working out although i missed the last month because of this breakup. i dont really know whats going to help me. i have some friends but they all like to sit around and get drunk all the time and im not really into doin that stuff anymore. im just scared that im not going to find anyone else who can love me like she did. i like to travel but thats not really an option right now bc i cant afford to. like i said, ive never had a serious girlfriend before so ive never had a serious breakup either. its very hard to deal with.

[Chi townD]

Okay, the reason I asked those question is because I'm gonna relay my story to you. I don't post this often, but it applies to your case. I was dating a girl in my youth and I was about the same age as you when this happened. She cheated on me. We ended it and she told me that I was a loser and never going to college, work BS jobs for the rest of my life. Well, I got my revenge. By living my life well. I did go to college (a lot of college..found I enjoyed the challenge of it) Met my current wife who I never expected to meet. She had already started in her career and was a professional woman. She didn't NEED me but rather WANTED me. She supported and encouraged me throughout every aspect of my life. Now we've been married (happily) for 15 years, I'm a college professor, we OWN our own home, and we take trips everywhere. Last year, we were in Japan. We're planning a trip to Key Largo in November. Last I heard, the Ex married the guy she cheated on me with. He was going to College but had to transfer to the University of "I'm pregnant and you need a job". Now, he's a college drop-out and a ambulance driver who gets high all the time.

 

Is she happy? I don't know and I don't care. Not my problem. So, you need to make finding a job your full time job. Sometimes you have to take A job before you get THE job. Once you get THE job, man, you will be on easy street. Make goals for yourself, see your dreams and run with them, you'll never know who you'll meet along the way!

Edited August 16, 2011 by Chi townD

[JohnEl]

Okay, the reason I asked those question is because I'm gonna relay my story to you. I don't post this often, but it applies to your case. I was dating a girl in my youth and I was about the same age as you when this happened. She cheated on me. We ended it and she told me that I was a loser and never going to college, work BS jobs for the rest of my life. Well, I got my revenge. By living my life well. I did go to college (a lot of college..found I enjoyed the challenge of it) Met my current wife who I never expected to meet. She had already started in her career and was a professional woman. She didn't NEED me but rather WANTED me. She supported and encouraged me throughout every aspect of my life. Now we've been married (happily) for 15 years, I'm a college professor, we OWN our own home, and we take trips everywhere. Last year, we were in Japan. We're planning a trip to Key Largo in November. Last I heard, the Ex married the guy she cheated on me with. He was going to College but had to transfer to the University of "I'm pregnant and you need a job". Now, he's a college drop-out and a ambulance driver who gets high all the time.

 

Is she happy? I don't know and I don't care. Not my problem. So, you need to make finding a job your full time job. Sometimes you have to take A job before you get THE job. Once you get THE job, man, you will be on easy street. Make goals for yourself, see your dreams and run with them, you'll never know who you'll meet along the way!

 

thanks a lot. that really made me feel optimistic. i know im making progress with everything. ive been looking for jobs a lot latley and ive been working out like crazy again. it feels good. i feel good physically, its just the mental stuff i need to overcome. i find myself thinking about everything and trying to replay certain things out in my mind but then i catch myself and realize that it doesnt matter. what happened with me and her doesnt matter and i just need to focus on myself. i dont think shes as happy as she is acting but i really dont care if she is. good for her if she is. im on my way to being happy and ive learned a lot about myself and relationships thru this whole process. i dont know if shes learned that much considering she jumped into something the same week we broke up. i have had a lot to offer and have even more to offer now that ive experienced a serious relationship and a serious breakup.