the whole "no contact" and waiting

[Dblock10]

ok here is where i am at, need to just let someone know and get some feedback.

 

i really don't understand how to get a handle on the situation, i'm kinda just going with it and hoping i get better as time goes on which i know it will to some degree, knowing that soon enough i will be back in university. Although this summer for me has really dragged. not been a nice experience. either way i seem to be going in a huge circle... as you can probably tell from my posts.

 

I have learnt through a past relationship that you cannot make someone miss you, they either do or they don't. secondly, you cant make someone care, they either do or they don't.

thirdly, you cant make someone come back to you, again they either want to or they don't, at a given point in time things may change. And yes you can contact them but its not them contacting you out of willingness.

 

so..With all of this knowledge and experience its preventing me contacting her as i know it wont change anything, it will make me look weak and needy which i know isn't attractive to women.. she knows i have feelings for her. she knows i care.

 

i haven't contacted her since i last saw her which was 8 days ago. since that day iv'e not heard anything from her... I understand she works an awful lot of hours and probably hasn't given me much thought. Last few things i said were "if you want to meet up before you go you know where i am" her "yeah i know, just depends on time and money really" me "yeah i know"

 

me, well you probably wont want to see me again when your back, after all the fun travelling you would have had,

 

her, more like you wont want to after all the fun at uni your'll be having

 

me, yeh right! her, well we shall see wont we..

 

However since this last meeting with her, i find it shocking or out of character for her that she doesnt contact me considering we shared 7 months together whilst she was still at university. and i THOUGHT we had something pretty good... lol yeah she was never the "txter" but she would always eventually check up on me or call me.

 

i guess i feel confused more than anything.

 

its like i want to know why she didnt want to stay with me whilst she goes travelling although she already gave me the answers... And I cant handle her not wanting to be with me anymore so its got me in circles..

 

her reasons in person when i told her i wanted to stay together, were

 

- we would argue and she is rubbish at communication thus arguments inevitable and would end messy and no way to then be friends or more again.

- doesn't want relationship stresses and potentially ruin her travels

- doesn't want to commit to me since she cannot promise her where abouts when she returns

- doesn't want that relationship 'label'

- doesn't want to feel guilty when meeting new people, wondering if i would approve of what she was doing she said "like when you meet someone, if you are with someone you act differently than if your not, so i want to just be myself" (she added, not that im going to be getting with loads of people)... hmm ok...

- shes done with education and wants to feel free and have no worries

- she wants us to be on good terms so if/when we meet when she's back, it wont be impossible. and at that point if me or her are still single or what ever then potentially we could pick up where we left off.

-6 months is a long time, its not just a holiday she is going on

-its not practical

- she said we should keep each other updated with our lives...

 

but how when she isnt contacting me...

 

 

on the phone before i met her in person her reasons where, arguments, pressure, and she wants me to fully enjoy uni not having to worry what shes up to, and visa versa.. she wants me to move on and not mope around after her.

 

so yeah, i still have her on face book. don't think she tends to go on it much at all these days. iv'e not been on her wall, scared to do so really. Its obvious that if i see something i don't like, it will hurt me.

 

she is leaving end of next month, 40 days

 

part of me wants to rebound with someone, ive done it before and it helped. but then part of me will feel guilty and low for doing so.

 

it feels like i wont hear from her again unless i contact her. but then doing so, what would it achieve, she is still going travelling, she is still working loads, she still broke up with me.

 

on the basis that i dont hear from her until she leaves should i contact her just before she goes wishing her well. or just stay no contact, delete her from my fb and move on and let go fully.

 

it seems harsh she hasnt even asked me about my nan.

 

she may feel that because she knows i have feelings for her etc that if she contacts me it wont help. or she may literally just not really care about it.

 

she always knew she was off travelling so she isnt letting it get to her. as "that part" in her life is done, shes onto the next best big thing.

[Nohbody]

You're doing the right things. The longer you are NC the less you will focus on her and start focusing on yourself. You miss her, and it sucks. Continue NC and let things take their course. Once Uni starts (or 'college', whatever) you will have things to worry about that aren't her.

 

This has been a lousy summer, here's hoping we all have good semesters (those of us going back into the education box)

[Chi townD]

I hate to say it, but sometimes relationships do run their courses. It seems like the two of you are going off in two different directions. At this point, you need to use NC as a tool to heal from the end of the relationship and to move on.

[Dblock10]

yeah i appreciate this, its funny how you will never actually know what the other person is thinking. like this girl could be thinking

 

- nc with him so i can move on quicker. feel less guilty now about hanging with different guys, or getting with new people.

- nc because it will be hard for him after what he told me when he saw me

- nc because he asked me if i could see him to let him no, if i contacted him then he might bring it up and i cant so i wouldnt want to say no and then fall out with him for good

- she just doesnt care

 

lol see what i mean!

 

yeah i do miss her and want her in my life by my side, but shes young and very independent, figuring out what she wants from life..

 

she was just online on fb chat, i was so close to saying hello. but it then went offline as i clicked her name.

 

she never goes on it these days tbh. probably just checking her wall or something. she is a strange girl when it comes to things like that, you would think like most girls that she would be on there loads, or maybe she has just turned off her chat, she would tell me she doesnt like the fb chat as the same old people try and talk to her all the time and she doesnt want to get into conversations with them.

 

I would have spoken to her online a min ago though if she had stayed on.

 

i know i'm not over her as i just had an urge to go on her wall to check to see if she is displaying single status or wether she is leaving it blank like i am atm. but then i remembered id see pics of her that i wouldnt have seen before and it got my heart racing!

 

yeah they do run there courses, agree, and its a shame that our lives are going off in two different directions now. but it still hurts i dont like moving on from someone i really liked/care for. its like its just "not right"

 

i am very worried that once back at university where i met her, i will be reminded of her in most of the things i do, places i go..

 

this is what i fear so much.

 

i wish i could snap out of this.

 

its unfair she gets to move on by travelling the world, that is like the best thing ever to get over someone lol.....

Edited August 15, 2011 by Dblock10

[Dblock10]

why is it, that i cant accept its over.

 

why must i feel i need to contact her and say, something like:

 

i dont understand why you gave up on what we had so easily, i thought we had something better than that, but its clearly what you want..

 

i just toy with the idea of saying it, but wonder what she would say, or even if she would answer it.

 

i feel i think far too deep into this, she probably doesnt even think about it!

 

the worst thing is, i just know saying something like this is weak and doesnt show confidence. just gives her more power.

 

i dont want to destroy any more self esteem, but at the same time its like i need to do it to destroy all hope. in order for me to move on properly. but then doing so will just make me feel so low.

 

i also know if i dont say anything then i never will and it will be to late.

 

AT the same time i know it wont change anything, and she is still leaving...

 

i want to retain self dignity, but obviously i feel for this girl. its such a nightmare situation to be in isnt it

 

 

help

Edited August 15, 2011 by Dblock10

[Nohbody]

It doesn't make any sense, and you want to make sense out of it. You won't. She honestly does not have a coherent reason why she left you. If you ask her today, it'll be one thing. Ask her in a week it'll be something else. And so on. People do not know why they do anything.

 

Time away will help you broaden your perspective, right now you can't see the forest for the trees. It sucks, but it's what everyone says.

 

Time, time, time.

[coolheadal]

They leave because they can! And you can't stop them! You might not want them to go but in the long run it best to let them go so you can be at peace with yourself again!

[Dblock10]

hmm the thing is, she gave answers. i'm just not happy with them..

 

feels like if those where the real reasons then why is she not talking to me now? why has she gone NC :S apart from wanting to move on herself.

 

she has obviously had more relationship, or certainly more short term relationship experience than i, and she is doing what shes done many times before... i am just another one that didnt work out when it suited her as i dont fit in with her plans now... :S

 

i hoped that she wouldnt be like this, and she has! let me down! thats how i feel, this is why i dont want to accept it and move on, i made her out to be something shes not thus im feeling disappointment.

 

i feel i have a right to tell her this.

 

but again, i'm not stupid, i know it wont help my cause.

 

this is like self torture, really is.

 

i remember being a bit like this with my first relationship. it was only until i saw her a year later and told her how **** she had been to me that i felt relief and then moved on.

 

however that was different in a lot of ways.

 

 

i want to be more mature about this one, i want a "door" to be left open. i dont want her to forget me, im sure she wont, but at the same time she will move on, and if im still thinking about her, then i'll feel down when i find out etc..

[Eddie Edirol]

1.) - we would argue and she is rubbish at communication

 

2.) - doesn't want that relationship 'label'

 

3.) - she wants us to be on good terms so if/when we meet when she's back, it wont be impossible. and at that point if me or her are still single or what ever then potentially we could pick up where we left off.

 

I think I can help you not want to be with her or contact her.

 

These three points make me think that she used YOU as a rebound. Ive done this, and Ive seen this happen alot. Im going under the assumption that these points were happening from the beginning of your relationship.

 

1.) Rubbish at communication, they dont want to solve the problems of them holding back, means they dont want to open themselves up to you emotionally, means they were never really into you.

 

2.) Doesnt want the relationship label - goes back to number 1, and adds that they are trying to keep you from growing attached to them by restricting the label.

 

3.)She told you she wants to stay on good terms to meet up later, but thats a lie. She told you that to get you off her back. She will never want to meet up when she comes back, and she certainly wont want to try again. She gave you false hope to stay on good terms with you right now, enough to get off the phone. She doesnt care about your feelings. If she told you she never wanted to see you again, then she would have to deal with the guilt of you begging for her to not cut you off. Its all about her guilt, not your feelings.

 

She used you and she is devious. She is also playing you for a fool by not being honest with you about the breakup, but people show their real character when they break up with you in such a cowardly way by keeping you hanging on.

[Dblock10]

I think I can help you not want to be with her or contact her.

 

thanks for the reply eddie. appreciate it.

 

i think she did open up emotionally to me, but to a certain extent. at the very start of the relationship she was scared to tell me about something that happend to her in the past or i may not want to be with her. so at this point she cared what i thought about her, because she liked me. however its been said before, she knew she was always going travelling and so kept me at arms length, whether this was to protect herself or what not i dont know.

 

yeah i agree with point 2. she didnt want me getting more attached otherwise she would feel guilty about keeping me around if when she got back she most likely wont stick around near me or if she hooked up with someone whilst away.

 

3. i agree and disagree.

 

i think she would meet up, but try again no. staying on good terms right now is what she wanted sure. but this was in person she told me this, and we should keep each other updated with our lives..

I agree it feels like she said these things to mask her own guilt. or perhaps just to keep me happy?

 

which could explain why i havent heard from her since seeing her.

 

"She used you and she is devious. She is also playing you for a fool by not being honest with you about the breakup, but people show their real character when they break up with you in such a cowardly way by keeping you hanging on."

 

 

yeah this can feel true to an extent, and yeah i do feel like she isnt being totally honest in some respects. its like when i mentioned coming to visit her in aus 3 months in which would break the time apart from each other in half, she never sounded keen or happy or excited about the suggestion, and even said "3 months is still a long time"

 

"and even if we stayed together i might come back and want to do a 6 month ski season.. then what ! its just not practical to be together"

 

 

devious is a good word, i think she is very devious and doesn't speak the truth as to not upset anyone.

 

 

how do i play this now then? shall i go with if i havent heard from her in 2 weeks... ditch, delete from fb and never look back.

 

or will i regret that

[antinko]

Honestly Dblock, they make their choice and you just have to let them go. I say this even as I'm having a bit of a 'moment' myself.

 

It totally sucks, but you'll get through it.

 

Maybe you should start a journal? I'm finding mine very useful even though I probably sound like a crazy in it half the time.

[Dblock10]

yeah its true. just annoying how i kinda persuaded her to thinking very rationally and logically about it. and so kinda feel responsible for my own demise.

 

however... if she really liked me, really wanted to stay with me, she had more than enough chances and i put myself on the line.

 

so there you go! here i am!

 

dw, i feel crazy to

[stillafool]

had,

 

her reasons in person when i told her i wanted to stay together, were

 

- we would argue and she is rubbish at communication thus arguments inevitable and would end messy and no way to then be friends or more again.

- doesn't want relationship stresses and potentially ruin her travels

- doesn't want to commit to me since she cannot promise her where abouts when she returns

- doesn't want that relationship 'label'

- doesn't want to feel guilty when meeting new people, wondering if i would approve of what she was doing she said "like when you meet someone, if you are with someone you act differently than if your not, so i want to just be myself" (she added, not that im going to be getting with loads of people)... hmm ok...

- shes done with education and wants to feel free and have no worries

- she wants us to be on good terms so if/when we meet when she's back, it wont be impossible. and at that point if me or her are still single or what ever then potentially we could pick up where we left off.

-6 months is a long time, its not just a holiday she is going on

-its not practical

- she said we should keep each other updated with our lives...

 

but how when she isnt contacting me...

 

 

 

 

You have got to let her go. She has given you too many reasons why a relationship is not for her at this time. I don't see her coming back if she said all of the above. Why can't you just believe her and take her at her words? She seems pretty certain and after so much time in school she probably does want to be free to enjoy herself without answering to anyone. That probably includes dating others. It is best to try to accept what she has said so you aren't living in a false reality. You just have to let her go and heal yourself.

[Dblock10]

hey stillafool.

 

yeah your right man. i am trying! going to focus on things in my life, and stuff that makes me happy. however i dont know how long that'll last. i hope i dont cave. she is just my ideal girl clever, attractive, cute, interested in the same hobbies, likes eating (lots of girls dont lol) easy to talk to. sigh.,

 

the reason i cant just taker her at her words are because why would that mean she isnt talking to me now, why doesnt she care about the situation with my nan. its like shes not even a friend..

 

do you think she will never come back? i know 100% she wont now but obviously the future is unknown, im sure we can be friends in the future. but time will tell most likely.

 

i wont hold onto hope though, although if she did start dating someone else, it would gut me.

 

but in a way, i know tht will happen. shes done it before and i obviously didnt mean to much to her.

 

 

no contact then?

Edited August 15, 2011 by Dblock10

[Eddie Edirol]

hey stillafool.

 

yeah your right man. i am trying! going to focus on things in my life, and stuff that makes me happy. however i dont know how long that'll last. i hope i dont cave. she is just my ideal girl clever, attractive, cute, interested in the same hobbies, likes eating (lots of girls dont lol) easy to talk to. sigh.,

 

the reason i cant just taker her at her words are because why would that mean she isnt talking to me now, why doesnt she care about the situation with my nan. its like shes not even a friend..

 

do you think she will never come back? i know 100% she wont now but obviously the future is unknown, im sure we can be friends in the future. but time will tell most likely.

 

i wont hold onto hope though, although if she did start dating someone else, it would gut me.

 

but in a way, i know tht will happen. shes done it before and i obviously didnt mean to much to her.

 

 

no contact then?

 

No contact, forget about her.

 

She might call you when she gets back, but its not to try again. She will call you to make sure youre not about to kill yourself over the breakup, so she wont have to feel guilty. She will call you to get updates on what youre doing, DO NOT give her updates, dont tell her how your life is going. Make sure you sound upbeat, like you never needed her. If she asks you what youre up to, say "Im keepin busy and makin things happen." If she asks you for something specific, dance around the answers, dont give her any. DO not reward her for lying to you. This is because she hasnt earned the right to get up in your business, she isnt privlidged anymore. Dont stay on the phone with her either. Youre busy and you have to go.

 

She most likely wont look for you when she gets back, but usually people dont move backwards at your age, so dont count on it. They left you because there are things that they didnt like about you that built up to a point where they had to avoid being around you. So in the future, they will assume those things about you are still there. Most of the time they break it off with you to get with someone who is nothing like you.

 

Youre young, so dont worry, she is not your soulmate, not even close. You will learn after you date a few more women that she wont even be close to what you want in a wife. In a few years, you will think "what did I see in her?? Yech!"

[coolheadal]

Mine is text and calling me up so much I wonder why she's doing this.. I have to take care of business here, she won't quit. Even right now she's text again and again.

[Dblock10]

No contact, forget about her.

Youre young, so dont worry, she is not your soulmate, not even close. You will learn after you date a few more women that she wont even be close to what you want in a wife. In a few years, you will think "what did I see in her?? Yech!"

 

 

doubt she will call to make sure i dont kill myself about the breakup. so basically be cold to her if she does contact... unless?

 

Yeah she wont. she will work full time, reflect on her time travelling, spend a good month talking about it, probably more. probably keep in touch with people she met there, slept with etc.

 

if she left me due to things she didnt like about me, id quite like to know what those were. she didnt break it off with me to be with someone who is the complete opposite of me, but not doubt she wont find someone with my qualities. i treated her like an angel.

 

sure we had our arguments, but they only arose because she didnt show she cared at times or was just really unthoughtful toward me.

 

i hope i realise that. i hope i meet someone just as attractive but someone whom actually makes effort for me not just there friends.

 

 

 

going back to your first point about being a rebound, i think you are right!

 

i remember during the earlier days of the relationship she had told me she had been with someone 6 months ago, and i think this was the guy she was with on and off for 3 years..

 

we were on a night out and she was txting someone, she wouldnt show me her phone.. so i confronted her about it, she told me it was her ex, he was only contacting her because he was at a reunion. i took her phone off her, she was drunk. i saw the call log, she had rang him for a few mins.

 

then she disappears and im left with her phone... a txt comes through saying something like, hey "s" i see you have a new boyfriend , you know i dont want to see that..

 

but i really cant remember the txt now. either way, i lost her and hunted around to later find she had walked home alone.

 

next day she knew i was angry about the whole show and she came to mine to talk about it. she said she would never go back to him after what he did,( abusive, cheated ) but she wants to be friends as they share the same social group back home..

 

there after i'm not aware if she did contact him again or not, but i remember when i went to her house she always had a long sleeved t shirt of his, she said yeah he's never come to collect it..

 

he deleted her then re added her on facebook a while back.

 

 

either way, maybe you were right, maybe i was a rebound and she did like me, but not enough. maybe i was just used to get over him

Edited August 16, 2011 by Dblock10

[stillafool]

hey stillafool.

 

yeah your right man.

Nope, I'm a woman.

 

.

she is just my ideal girl clever, attractive, cute, interested in the same hobbies, likes eating (lots of girls dont lol) easy to talk to. sigh.,

 

There are tons of girls out there who are like you described above.

 

 

the reason i cant just taker her at her words are because why would that mean she isnt talking to me now, why doesnt she care about the situation with my nan. its like shes not even a friend..

 

Because she knows you are in love with her and will want more from her than friendship. She thinks it's the easiest thing on you to be away from her and also she doesn't want the guilt.

 

do you think she will never come back? i know 100% she wont now but obviously the future is unknown, im sure we can be friends in the future. but time will tell most likely.

 

I don't know if she will come back or not but if she does it will be in the far future after she has experienced many thins (and men) and perhaps she will reflect on what she had with you. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't go back with her ex.

 

 

i wont hold onto hope though, although if she did start dating someone else, it would gut me.

 

She will obviously one day date someone as will you. Get your mind ready for it now so you won't feel "gutted" when it happens.

 

 

no contact then?

 

No Contact at all.

[Dblock10]

oh sorry! didn't realise lady!

 

She wouldn't go back with her ex i'm fairly sure. well she would be stupid to. after how and what he did to her. so I take comfort in knowing that i didn't treat her bad.

 

all her close friends hate him.

 

anyway.

 

maybe you are right, she knows i "love" her so thats why she doesnt want to contact me :S what guilt would she have from talking to me :S ?

 

yeah not sure how to cope with that one, think it would really get to me.

 

why do i have to go no contact?

 

do i not need to get answers from her like, why didnt she tell me she had done two long distance relationships before?

 

it feels so unreal how all this has happened. drove into town past her old flat, as its a one way system you cannot avoid. felt my heart drop. made me feel sad.

 

its horrible when inside you all you want back is what you had. but knowing it cant come back or be like that, just makes your heart and mind so confused.

 

yeah i think we probably will meet in the future, once shes back at some point. however she wont want to be back with me. no doubt will want me as a friend.

 

so basically no contact at all. delete her from my life. pretend it never happened. delete her from my face book and move on with my life..

 

surely thats a little immature to some degree..

[Queen of Hearts 10]

Well I'm the new one on the play ground and with bad advice !!

 

So everyone will be mad but I say do the " Love Dare " the movie is

 

"Fire Proof " not the best movie but a plan. So you go to the Florist

 

and buy the best red long stem roses to start, and send them to her !

 

A card telling her you LOVE her and won't give up ! I say exhaust every

 

possible thing before you quit this Love affair. Then you can go away

 

knowing her "NO" is a no ! I'm a fighter that lost my very long battle.

 

But I know I did everything possible to change it so my closure is there.

 

Do men still go to the florist and buy flowers ???? I will have to go buy

some for myself. Pathetic I know !

 

I wish you the best, Queen with a broken Heart

[Dblock10]

hey thanks for the suggestion but i dont want to do that as it looks obsessive and weak tbh.

 

life isnt like the movies!