Wake up thinking of ways I can keep myself asleep for ever...

[RuinedLife]

Or maybe thats a nice way of putting it. Because I dream about my ex practically every night, I think about him every single day 24/7 pretty much and I'm not exaggerating really. I know you think, well when you're doing all that other stuff, all those distractions, reading self help books, going for short walks, writing, hanging out with other people, doing volunteer work etc then you can't possibly be thinking about your ex.

 

But I beg to differ as I think about him all the time. And the level of despair I still feel about it is ripping my heart to pieces.

 

I'm sure a lot of you will try giving me a sturn talking to, or suggest all kinds of other ways to keep myself busy and distracted and I guess that isn't really what this is about at all. It isn't really about my ex. I feel broken inside and its not just about him anymore. Of course he's a big part of it, hence why I think of him all the time, dream about him all the time, obsess about the past all the time. But really its not him who is the problem, its me and my damaged self and thinking patterns.

 

Words can not describe how much I love my ex, or how hard I would try if I had a chance to get him back. I know that puts me in a bad light and I don't care anymore. I just wonder how much longer I can take the despair of waking up and living knowing that he no longer wants me. And that scares me so much.

 

Everyone here has been so good to me and I really appreciate all the help I've recieved over the months and even though you don't believe I've been following it, I have. Although I can't deny that my feelings towards my ex have greatly disturbed my healing process, falling for his suggestions of a second chance and the friend-lacking reality of my life causing me to seek him out for comfort when I shouldn't. I have to stop now though, as its too painful. But I still try to hide away from reality, to clock myself in false hopes and fantasies of happy endings.

 

Will I ever heal?

I'm sure in time and with proper NC things will begin to fade.

 

Will I ever find anyone like him who will love me back?

Maybe somewhat similar, but of course never the same. Not even close.

 

Will anyone ever love me again in a romantic way?

Logic predicts yes, emotion feels no.

 

Will this broken heart send me completely crazy?

It already has.

Will this broken heart break me?

It already has.

 

Can I ever be unbroken?

Logic predicts yes, emotions feels no.

 

Do I post on here too often with in a far too negative way?

Most definitely yes.

 

Should I stop posting on here?

Probably yes and I have cut back a little.

 

Am I a good person?

I certainly don't feel like one.

 

Is my ex a good person?

That is a very subjective question, but regardless, that doesn't matter when you love someone.

 

Can you get rid of feelings of love?

Possibly in time and with complete NC or after finding someone else. But I don't think its a foregone conclusion.

 

Are these questions completely pointless and only serving to keep me stuck in my heartache?

Most definitely yes.

 

Ok so I know what I have to do, and I'm trying in my own way to do it. But the problem comes when you don't really want to do it. When false hopes of your ex love wanting you back become the only friends you have to prop yourself up and when the despair and depression is so deep that you fear whether you will be able to make it through each day without taking pills that you shouldn't really take.

 

Do I deserve to be happy?

I really don't think so.

 

Can my life have meaning without my ex?

Logic predicts yes, emotion feels no.

 

Which will win the war, emotion or logic?

Who knows, emotions hope logic will win, but their confusion impedes their surrender.

[light_vader]

Hi there.

 

So tell me because I feel a bit perplexed, as it seems you found a human being that is so perfect, you are terrified of thinking there are thousands like him out there.

 

What makes your EX so special, that you are still idolizing him , putting him in a pedestal that distracts you from the most important thing in the world, YOUR LIFE?

[RuinedLife]

Hi there.

 

So tell me because I feel a bit perplexed, as it seems you found a human being that is so perfect, you are terrified of thinking there are thousands like him out there.

 

What makes your EX so special, that you are still idolizing him , putting him in a pedestal that distracts you from the most important thing in the world, YOUR LIFE?

 

One word.... Emotions. Or more specifically, my emotions.

 

I don't claim to understand them. The exact opposite in fact.

 

Believe me, I know logically there are 1000s out there like him (clearly not identical, but similar), but unfortunately my emotions struggle to comprehend that fact.

[smudge21]

Your head needs to start ruling your heart again and the only way that will happen is if you allow it to. You're so stuck on these feelings and refusing to let go that you're not allowing yourself to heal. It's almost as if you want to torture yourself with this pain as the let go would be so wrong. I understand about letting go, I'm sure we all; it feels like giving up, like admitting it was all for nothing and you feel like such a failure... but in truth, that is just your heart being in control.

 

Something I thought of whilst reading your list of problems, how about listing the things that you believe were so special with you ex. Detail everything that was so good about him. Let's see how special he really was.

[Nohbody]

Dearest Ruined,

 

This is not about your ex, this is about you. This is about your unwillingness to let go because of a sheer mortal terror of rejection - a loss of your validation as a person of worth because your source has abandoned you.

 

You do not need him, but you do need to start realizing you are better than you seem to believe you are. You are not a victim, and you have agency. You are alive now, and very likely you only live this once. This is probably the worst thing you will ever go through - and this suffering can help make you a better person.

 

Please read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl. Find utility to your suffering and use it as a crucible to forge a better you. Whether you believe it or not, you are better than this - you don't need him and you will not only survive but thrive.

[RuinedLife]

Dearest Ruined,

 

This is not about your ex, this is about you. This is about your unwillingness to let go because of a sheer mortal terror of rejection - a loss of your validation as a person of worth because your source has abandoned you.

 

You do not need him, but you do need to start realizing you are better than you seem to believe you are. You are not a victim, and you have agency. You are alive now, and very likely you only live this once. This is probably the worst thing you will ever go through - and this suffering can help make you a better person.

 

Please read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl. Find utility to your suffering and use it as a crucible to forge a better you. Whether you believe it or not, you are better than this - you don't need him and you will not only survive but thrive.

 

I really wish I could feel that hope of being able to survive this and thrive now, because I feel so lost, hopeless and worthless.

 

The pain is so unbearable.

[dreamingoftigers]

For you: read Taming Your Outer Child

 

The pain lessens when you refocus your thoughts on something else. If you don't have misery, it doesn't mean that you didn't love him.

[GazzaX3]

I've been there... the entire 'not wanting to wake up' feeling. True, desolate despair. When me and my ex broke up, I felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I now honestly understand why people do it.

 

But there is always that hope for a better future. It kills me to not be with my ex; I loved her genuinely. My advice? Indulge yourself in art: listen to the best music you can, read, watch great films. Music has always been able to help me put my feelings in perspective; when I listen to Mogwai, or Olafur Arnalds (which I both highly recommend) I see myself in total and complete love, which is the most beautiful thing. But then I take her feelings into account too: and the whole symphony of life is brought into focus for a few moments. And it helps, it really does. That's my best advice

[RuinedLife]

Thanks for the advice people. Will look into those things.

 

Still in a lot of agony because of this break up though

 

Is hard to believe someone who loved me so much once, could hurt me so deeply. Been crying and despairing for days and days now.

 

I just want it to end. I know taking lots of pills isn't the answer, but at the moment, feels like the best solution I've got.

[lymtal1]

I feel you and everything you are saying. I talk a good game but think I do that just to get by. The reality is we have no choice to get through this. We will but it will be hard. All the things that we are suggested to do are great. They do take up time. But not thoughts. Mine as yours are 24/7 and no matter what I try to do they never stop. I am getting tired but still never sleep. When I do, like you, they are usually accompanied by dreams of her.

 

I just want all this to stop and I know it won't. I am doing the best I can.

 

That is what you must do as well.

[RuinedLife]

I know all you guys are right that I need to focus on myself and try to move on.

 

But I keep having all these flashbacks and nightmares about the break up and waking up in a panic and having anxiety attacks and despairing about it. Feeling so worthless without him, like my life is pointless without him in it.

 

I know thats ridiculous. But so far nothing I've tried seems to be helping ease the pain much

[D-Lish]

I know all you guys are right that I need to focus on myself and try to move on.

 

But I keep having all these flashbacks and nightmares about the break up and waking up in a panic and having anxiety attacks and despairing about it. Feeling so worthless without him, like my life is pointless without him in it.

 

I know thats ridiculous. But so far nothing I've tried seems to be helping ease the pain much

 

You just need a little more time is all. I fully admit that had I not had my furry little dogs to take care of that I might have checked out a long time ago. It's silly that the only thing that has kept me going is my love and responsibility to my dogs, but had I not had them, I think I might have thrown in the towel. I might not have harmed myself, but I probably would have just opted to turn off the lights and stay in bed permanently.

 

Pretty stupid eh? All this heartache over some guy we have etched into our brains and placed on a pedestal where they don't belong.

[broken-and-lost]

I know all you guys are right that I need to focus on myself and try to move on.

 

But I keep having all these flashbacks and nightmares about the break up and waking up in a panic and having anxiety attacks and despairing about it. Feeling so worthless without him, like my life is pointless without him in it.

 

I know thats ridiculous. But so far nothing I've tried seems to be helping ease the pain much

 

sounds like your suffering with post traumatic stress disorder hun, not sure what to suggest if your already going down all the conventional routes, everyone heals in there own time just try to remember it's your life and you have to try and get yourself better for you, i know the pain your going through and it's sometimes hard to focus on anything else but in the end only you can pull yourself out of the hole and into the light.

 

That's what i've been trying to do so i hope at some point you can do the same remember YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING YOU ARE UNIQUE AND SPECIAL