Jump to content

nice days are hard


JohnEl

Recommended Posts

It a beautiful day outside. its really hard being alone on days like this. me and my ex girlfriend of 3 years loved taking our dogs on walks and enjoying the nice weather together. we broke up about a month ago. she started dating someone else the same week we broke up. ive been NC for 3 days now. its really hard to not think about how much i want to walk to dogs with her today but shes probably walking my dog with this new guy. everything i do reminds me of her. how should i handle this?

Link to post
Share on other sites
triphopper414

I would go out and enjoy the day. Don't let your ex ruin the things you enjoy doing. Go somewhere where you know she will not be. Talk a walk, go a market or just sit in a park and read.

 

When you are with someone for such a long time, there are things bound to remind you of them. You need to realize that it was a break up because your relationship was broken and it is the best thing for you no matter you feel like it is not. Mrs. Right is waiting for you out in the world, so go out and find her!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I know it is tough thinking of the things you and your ex did together, and now knowing someone else is in that "role" that you once filled. My ex has moved on quickly and right in frotn of my face (I see him often so I see/know too much, ugh), and I still have haunting thoughts of all the things him and his new gf do together..makes me ill at times!! I do my best- despite him being on my mind a few times a day, but I go out any time I can, whether with friends or family, to movies, out to eat, out for a drink, etc...It might feel like just temporary relief, but little do you realize, it is actually really helping you along the way! Those thoughts and that sadness will diminish, it is kinda like you have to condition your brain to get used to the idea..like I do think of my ex/new gf doing all this great stuff..but that sinking feeling isnt quite as bad as it used to be.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I went out and tried to enjoy the day. I met up with some friends

And then went to my dads house for some barbecue. I couldnt stop thinking about how much I wanted her there. She would have been there if she didn't leave me. I kept thinking about what she was doing, and how she was probably hanging out with her new boyfriend. She's only known him about 6 weeks. 3 of which she was still dating me. She started dating him the same week we broke up. I still can't believe she threw away everything we had to experiment with someone she doesn't even know. I miss her. This was day 3 of NC.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I went out and tried to enjoy the day. I met up with some friends

And then went to my dads house for some barbecue. I couldnt stop thinking about how much I wanted her there. She would have been there if she didn't leave me. I kept thinking about what she was doing, and how she was probably hanging out with her new boyfriend. She's only known him about 6 weeks. 3 of which she was still dating me. She started dating him the same week we broke up. I still can't believe she threw away everything we had to experiment with someone she doesn't even know. I miss her. This was day 3 of NC.

 

I still do that too- think of things that I am at, knowing he woulda been there with me (weddings, engagement parties, family events, etc). It is good tho that you were out doing something, even if your ex was on ur mind. It baffles me how your, mine, and many others, exes just drop them like that, and start up with someone new. It hurts all the more when there were no major problems, and they just bail, so to say. Keep up with the nc....I dont go nc bc the ex and I have many mutual friends, so sadly I have been hurt way more than I deserved...but now I have gone over a month without seeing him..and to be hoenst, I still have his email/cell number, but no crazy urge to contact him! After awhile, you honestly start to get used to this "new" life without them, however doesnt mean you wont think of them, or miss them on those beautiful days, or those fun family events. It is a long hard road!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ive really been dwelling on past memories. All the good stuff. I really miss it all and it's really depressing to know that it's all gone and she left me for someone else and shes happy to not be with me. I want her back a lot right now. When is this going to get better???

Link to post
Share on other sites

John,

 

I'm so sorry about your loss. I don't think there are much harder things in life to deal with than losing someone you love.

 

You're only a month out, and that isn't very long. I hope you realize that as much as you miss her that she's not the right woman for you. She proved this by walking out on you for someone else.

 

The first few months are the absolute hardest. It does get easier with time.

Talking it out helps a lot. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have LS during that time. Keep talking.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I find that trying new experiences the I did not have with my ex is helping. I am building and carving out new things for myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for the replies. LS has been a lot of help thus far. Everything I've done for the last three years included her so everything reminds me of her. She told me how she wanted to get married. She told me how much she loved me everyday. We had plans to start a family together. Then, one day, we had a fight and she told me how upset she has been for a while and that she want to break up. We went from great to nothing overnight. From talking everyday to NC so quick. It's a very hard transition. And she is dating a guy she only knew for a month and he lives out of town. It just seems like a bad dream. My gut feeling keeps telling me that she will realize what she three away once this fling is over and she will come back. But then I think how she isn't coming back and is gonna be happy with this new guy. My mind is racing. I hate being alone but even when I'm with friends/family, I keep thinking about how much I want her there. This whole situation just sucks. I want to be mad at her but I can't. She keeps blamming me for the break up and I'm trying to fin reasons not to blame myself. I wonder if she will ever call me again? I hope she does but know that it would probably be better of she doesn't.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks for the replies. LS has been a lot of help thus far. Everything I've done for the last three years included her so everything reminds me of her. She told me how she wanted to get married. She told me how much she loved me everyday. We had plans to start a family together. Then, one day, we had a fight and she told me how upset she has been for a while and that she want to break up. We went from great to nothing overnight. From talking everyday to NC so quick. It's a very hard transition. And she is dating a guy she only knew for a month and he lives out of town. It just seems like a bad dream. My gut feeling keeps telling me that she will realize what she three away once this fling is over and she will come back. But then I think how she isn't coming back and is gonna be happy with this new guy. My mind is racing. I hate being alone but even when I'm with friends/family, I keep thinking about how much I want her there. This whole situation just sucks. I want to be mad at her but I can't. She keeps blamming me for the break up and I'm trying to fin reasons not to blame myself. I wonder if she will ever call me again? I hope she does but know that it would probably be better of she doesn't.

 

As with most break ups, I suspect that her telling you she'd been upset with things for a while meant that she had been pondering the decision for a long time.

 

I know my ex had probably checked out about 6 weeks before he broke up with me.

 

Don't get into the habit of blaming yourself because it doesn't help. It's a natural reaction to rejection because when someone leaves you, you doubt yourself.

 

Would you actually want to take her back after she left you for another man?

Link to post
Share on other sites

John, I am sorry you are going through this. It is one of the most heartbreaking things that can happen in life. Most of us that frequent LS and are commenting and reading these posts have been where you are standing now.

 

For me I am about two months out, two weeks N/C so really not in a position to advise you what is coming up. What I will tell you and I am sure others will agree is as much as you find it hard to believe, each day feels different in some degree. I have days that are better than others. Some I are really bad and what is getting me through them is getting on here and reading others situations and how they are getting through them. It makes me feel like I am not the only one in the world going through this pain.

 

The other way I am coping when it is really bad is I have a great friend who has been through this and I will call him and he usually reasons me off the roof. If you have that type of person available utilize to whatever degree you feel like you can. This is not an every hour call but when things are really bad. Keep your support structure in place, don't run them off.

 

I also have been doing a bunch of reading all related to self-help and when I find a really good point I will put it on my word document which is now up to eight or so pages. I will go to this document every morning and evening and try to keep the right kind of thoughts in my head during the day and especially before bed. There is a great book, "Getting Past Your Break-Up" by Susan J. Elliott that I recommend you read. It gives you an opportunity to put together some relationship inventories that have been helpful to me.

 

Although we think our's was perfect usually it is not. These are the thoughts that will help you get through the day. The ones that are in your head are more than likely about the great times you had. Equally you guys had some that were not so good and what I found that because we were so very incompatible the bad outweighted the good. This has helped me realize that I can still love her like heck but that we were/are not right for each other.

 

You have to spend time working to forget and to understand the why's things have happened. It will help you get your arms around it and will put things in perspective. Keep coming back here and learning what to do from those that have lived this for a long time. There is no doubt that if we want to be strong we can. There is no doubt that if we want to heal we can. There is no doubt that if we want to forget to whatever degree we need to we can. Don't pressure yourself right now in anyway to find the next one but don't not live life. Our time will come down the road.

 

Be strong as there is no other choice...............

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I probably would take her back right now bc I miss her so much. She never told me that she was thinking about breaking up. We had fights but we were fine the next day. She needed to tell me that she was so upset so we could have worked it out. I blame myself bc I didn't notice how upset she was. I feel like I'll never get over this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I probably would take her back right now bc I miss her so much. She never told me that she was thinking about breaking up. We had fights but we were fine the next day. She needed to tell me that she was so upset so we could have worked it out. I blame myself bc I didn't notice how upset she was. I feel like I'll never get over this.

 

Break ups usually work like this. One partner starts to question the relationship and when that happens, it's usually because they are at a point where they are too frustrated to try and fix it.

 

The same happened with me. I have always asked the same question.

Why didn't he address what was bothering him as it came up? The fact is, a lot of people don't. You'd think that communicating would be easier.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

We kept having the dame fight. She felt like I wasn't giving her enough attention and make her feel appreciated. It was hard to bc we were long distaff for 6 months. I felt like i did as much as I could. Whenever I didn't call or text her, he got mad and the fight started. I figured everything would be fine when she moved back. I should have taken those fight more serious but we were always fine the next day. She seemed like she dropped it and was fine the next day. That's why I blame myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
We kept having the dame fight. She felt like I wasn't giving her enough attention and make her feel appreciated. It was hard to bc we were long distaff for 6 months. I felt like i did as much as I could. Whenever I didn't call or text her, he got mad and the fight started. I figured everything would be fine when she moved back. I should have taken those fight more serious but we were always fine the next day. She seemed like she dropped it and was fine the next day. That's why I blame myself.

 

Well, you're blaming yourself for not recognizing things looking back in hindsight. That's normal- I do that too. If you felt you were doing the best you could do- I doubt you could have changed anything. If she acted fine the next day- she wasn't communicating properly either.

Link to post
Share on other sites

John, have to quit blaming yourself so much. Sounds to me she is the one to lay blame to, especially if she was playing two men at once. And as previously said, she probably checked out long before the break up. Especially if she was playing two men at once If you let her back unconditionally, you're setting yourself up to be a door mat anyways. She probably initiated these fights to validate her reasons for leaving. My ex did that to me.

 

Do you really want her back after betraying you? If you did, it would always be in the back of your mind. You'd always be questioning her trust. Being hurt on that level will never go away, ever.

 

Things will get better. I say this only a month out. I've already had a date with one girl who will only be a friend, and I hooked up for a one-nighter with a girl half my age that worked at the casino I went to yesterday. I also have my "game" back and it was obvious this was being picked up by women at the casino. I was getting checked out hard, which my friend was quick to point out.

 

Attitude is everything. You've had good relationships in the past. Have confidence in your abilities to do this again and have confidence in yourself. Women will recognize this, and the lack thereof

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Well, you're blaming yourself for not recognizing things looking back in hindsight. That's normal- I do that too. If you felt you were doing the best you could do- I doubt you could have changed anything. If she acted fine the next day- she wasn't communicating properly either.

 

after we broke up, she told me that she would be so upset sometimes that she would cry herself to sleep. she never told me these things. how was i suppose to know things were so bad? she never told me that.

 

when we had our last fight, she was planning to come in town to visit me. she came in town anyway but didnt see me. she said she cried the entire drive in, the whole time she was here and the entire drive back. SHE NEVER TOLD ME THIS! i would have dont so much more if she would have told me that. im should have known. i feel like shes gone and its my fault for not picking up on that. i just want her here so bad right now and im beating myself up over it.

 

it feels like she doesnt even care about me anymore. she dated the first guy that asked her out and ive heard she really likes him. shes acting like i cheated on her and that she had to get out of a "horrible relationsip" with me. im just so sad. i miss her so much and i know shes not coming back.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
John, have to quit blaming yourself so much. Sounds to me she is the one to lay blame to, especially if she was playing two men at once. And as previously said, she probably checked out long before the break up. Especially if she was playing two men at once If you let her back unconditionally, you're setting yourself up to be a door mat anyways. She probably initiated these fights to validate her reasons for leaving. My ex did that to me.

 

Do you really want her back after betraying you? If you did, it would always be in the back of your mind. You'd always be questioning her trust. Being hurt on that level will never go away, ever.

 

Things will get better. I say this only a month out. I've already had a date with one girl who will only be a friend, and I hooked up for a one-nighter with a girl half my age that worked at the casino I went to yesterday. I also have my "game" back and it was obvious this was being picked up by women at the casino. I was getting checked out hard, which my friend was quick to point out.

 

Attitude is everything. You've had good relationships in the past. Have confidence in your abilities to do this again and have confidence in yourself. Women will recognize this, and the lack thereof

 

i dont think she was playing me and this other guy. she met him a month before we broke up. i knew she was hanging out with a bunch of new people, including him. i didnt think anything of it bc she was moving to my city in a month. i feel like this guy knew me and her were having problems and he made himself available to talk to her about it. he probably talked down on me and made himself look like he could do the things i didnt. she probably felt comfortable with him and felt like she could go be with him and have fun instead of working on things with me when she got home. i guess it all doesnt really matter anymore. igotta move on but i keep telling myself that shes coming back at some point. i gotta stop thinking like that because she isnt going to come back. i feel like she was the best i could do. i dont know what to do now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
after we broke up, she told me that she would be so upset sometimes that she would cry herself to sleep. she never told me these things. how was i suppose to know things were so bad? she never told me that.

 

when we had our last fight, she was planning to come in town to visit me. she came in town anyway but didnt see me. she said she cried the entire drive in, the whole time she was here and the entire drive back. SHE NEVER TOLD ME THIS! i would have dont so much more if she would have told me that. im should have known. i feel like shes gone and its my fault for not picking up on that. i just want her here so bad right now and im beating myself up over it.

 

it feels like she doesnt even care about me anymore. she dated the first guy that asked her out and ive heard she really likes him. shes acting like i cheated on her and that she had to get out of a "horrible relationsip" with me. im just so sad. i miss her so much and i know shes not coming back.

 

I know you miss her, I know how distraught you must be.

 

Be realistic with yourself- how in the world could you have known if she didn't tell you? Of course you would have- (I would have with my guy)- but she didn't tell you these things. I suspect she expected you to figure it out on your own, which isn't fair. She contributed to the demise of the relationship by keeping important issues to herself.

 

The new guy thing- that's a rebound. Some people can't handle dealing with pain so they avoid it. Rebounds are a good way to do this. It's going to hit her when she least expects it.

 

When I left my exH, I dated someone relatively quickly because it caused a nice distraction- I still thought of my exH a lot though, the new boy was just someone to help take my mind of things. When I broke up with him is when I really hit a low point, and that's when I realized I needed to process the break up.

Edited by D-Lish
Link to post
Share on other sites

If she got involved with a guy she met a month before you broke up, more than likely something was going on before you broke up. I could be wrong. Someone shouldn't jump into a relationship so quickly after ending one. I say this from experience and found out the hard way. Her telling you how much she "cries" yet seems so hostile towards you highly suggests she's playing head games with you. Do any of these qualities in a person make them desirable to you?

 

Blaming yourself over and over is going to do nothing but spin you in circles over matters you have no control over now. I also found this out the hard way. From what I've read from your thread, it seems like this girl has some severe issues. That said, I'd be less inclined to blame yourself for the outcome of all this. cut yourself some slack. It seems like you're better off without this toxic person.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I know you miss her, I know how distraught you must be.

 

Be realistic with yourself- how in the world could you have known if she didn't tell you? Of course you would have- (I would have with my guy)- but she didn't tell you these things. I suspect she expected you to figure it out on your own, which isn't fair. She contributed to the demise of the relationship by keeping important issues to herself.

 

The new guy thing- that's a rebound. Some people can't handle dealing with pain so they avoid it. Rebounds are a good way to do this. It's going to hit her when she least expects it.

 

When I left my exH, I dated someone relatively quickly because it caused a nice distraction- I still thought of my exH a lot though, the new boy was just someone to help take my mind of things. When I broke up with him is when I really hit a low point, and that's when I realized I needed to process the break up.

 

ive thought that this new guy is a rebound but im not sure. apparently she is really into this guy. ive heard from mutual friends that she is so happy now. she told me that she is sad about what happened to us but that its for the best and that she really wants to see what happens with this new guy. she is so convinced that i treated her so bad and that this guy is going to give her all the attention and love in the world.

 

i was good to her. i did a lot for her. whenever i didnt do something, then we had the fight. she needs attention 24/7 and if i didnt want to talk somtimes after a long day of work and being at the gym, she would blow it up and act like i didnt love her. sometimes i just needed alone time. i didnt wanna talk to her on the phone every second that i had free. is that so bad of my or is she just extremly needy? i feel like she has to have someone telling her how much they love her in order for her to be happy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
If she got involved with a guy she met a month before you broke up, more than likely something was going on before you broke up. I could be wrong. Someone shouldn't jump into a relationship so quickly after ending one. I say this from experience and found out the hard way. Her telling you how much she "cries" yet seems so hostile towards you highly suggests she's playing head games with you. Do any of these qualities in a person make them desirable to you?

 

Blaming yourself over and over is going to do nothing but spin you in circles over matters you have no control over now. I also found this out the hard way. From what I've read from your thread, it seems like this girl has some severe issues. That said, I'd be less inclined to blame yourself for the outcome of all this. cut yourself some slack. It seems like you're better off without this toxic person.

 

some people have told me that this is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, i just dont know it yet. i really miss the compainionship and the comfort. i miss having someone being there for me and being there for her. we were so close and knew everything about eachother. we were best friends too.

 

i feel like shes insecure because she has to have attention to feel loved. she has to have someone in her life to feel good about herself. thats why shes dating this other guy so fast. she doesnt wanna deal with the breakup and she wants to forget about me so she uses him to get her mind off of it and he gives her all the attention in the world. mutual friends told me that she is really into this guy and is really excited about him. that makes me feel kinda bad too bc we spent so much time together and shes already over me and happy about it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
If she got involved with a guy she met a month before you broke up, more than likely something was going on before you broke up. I could be wrong. Someone shouldn't jump into a relationship so quickly after ending one. I say this from experience and found out the hard way. Her telling you how much she "cries" yet seems so hostile towards you highly suggests she's playing head games with you. Do any of these qualities in a person make them desirable to you?

 

Blaming yourself over and over is going to do nothing but spin you in circles over matters you have no control over now. I also found this out the hard way. From what I've read from your thread, it seems like this girl has some severe issues. That said, I'd be less inclined to blame yourself for the outcome of all this. cut yourself some slack. It seems like you're better off without this toxic person.

 

I got the same impression, it's meant to leave a person feeling incredibly bad and guilty. I think she probably felt guilt over meeting someone else and justified it by conjuring up moments like this.

 

ive thought that this new guy is a rebound but im not sure. apparently she is really into this guy. ive heard from mutual friends that she is so happy now. she told me that she is sad about what happened to us but that its for the best and that she really wants to see what happens with this new guy. she is so convinced that i treated her so bad and that this guy is going to give her all the attention and love in the world.

 

i was good to her. i did a lot for her. whenever i didnt do something, then we had the fight. she needs attention 24/7 and if i didnt want to talk somtimes after a long day of work and being at the gym, she would blow it up and act like i didnt love her. sometimes i just needed alone time. i didnt wanna talk to her on the phone every second that i had free. is that so bad of my or is she just extremly needy? i feel like she has to have someone telling her how much they love her in order for her to be happy.

 

Did you tell her you loved her?

 

She's extremely needy. No matter what, you never could have possibly measured up to her expectations.

 

Guess what? This new guy won't be able to do it either.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I got the same impression, it's meant to leave a person feeling incredibly bad and guilty. I think she probably felt guilt over meeting someone else and justified it by conjuring up moments like this.

 

 

 

Did you tell her you loved her?

 

She's extremely needy. No matter what, you never could have possibly measured up to her expectations.

 

Guess what? This new guy won't be able to do it either.

 

i told her i loved her all the time. it was hard for me to show it bc she lived 3 hours away for 6 months. all i could do was tell it to her and try to show her when i would visit her or she visit me. after we broke up, i told her how i had plans to ask her to marry me next summer. that would be 4 years from when we first started dating. she said that if she had known that while we were dating, then things would proabably have been different but its too late now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
i told her i loved her all the time. it was hard for me to show it bc she lived 3 hours away for 6 months. all i could do was tell it to her and try to show her when i would visit her or she visit me. after we broke up, i told her how i had plans to ask her to marry me next summer. that would be 4 years from when we first started dating. she said that if she had known that while we were dating, then things would proabably have been different but its too late now.

 

Yet another guilt trip. I'm still standing by my theory that she's never going to be able to be fulfilled 100%- yet you're blaming yourself for being the best you could have possibly been.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...