I'm getting back with my EX... but the damage is done

[StrikeFreedom]

I'm getting back together with my EX of almost 2 years. We were apart for a month and in the time she found a new boyfriend and slept with him while they were together.

 

Although she technically didn't cheat on me I feel crushed. I've been through a similar situation when I was a little younger where I felt similar heartache/pain to what I feel now. But this is way more intense. I haven't really eaten in 3 days... I feel sick.

 

I don't really know what kind of advice I'm asking for. I know the heart ache will pass in time. But the *scar* created in my mental picture of our relationship I feel like will haunt me until the day I die. I know relationships aren't perfect and the act of *sex* and *getting off* is something everybody does. I would of without question slept with another girl in the month we were apart if I had the opportunity.

 

I feel sick and extremely insecure. But I want to somehow make it through this. I want to get back together with the girl I love and move and grow past these dark times and develop a stronger bond.

 

 

But I am seriously just so emotionally crippled right now. I honestly don't feel like what happened with ever be all right. Logic is escaping me.

[Dblock10]

do you have a choice to be back with her?

 

i think you shouldnt right away. take some "me" time, and really get to be happy with yourself. being with her isnt going to achieve that. you are still relying on her to make you happy... thats not being a man.

 

women like men, not needy clingy insecure people. get your self esteem back and then handle the situation. dont give in because your weak right now

[radiodarcy]

do you have a choice to be back with her?

 

i think you shouldnt right away. take some "me" time, and really get to be happy with yourself. being with her isnt going to achieve that. you are still relying on her to make you happy... thats not being a man.

 

women like men, not needy clingy insecure people. get your self esteem back and then handle the situation. dont give in because your weak right now

 

^^^this is good advice.

 

you do have a choice as to when you want to get back together. and now doesn't sound like a good time for you.

 

i would suggest the same -- take time out for yourself. re-building your sense of self will help you feel confident and help you re-build your trust in her as well.

 

if you were to resume things now - - especially with the way that you're feeling; things are going to be very tense and will most likely fall apart.

[Renard99]

I'd also be careful about the fact that she rebounded so quickly after your break up. I know everyone's different but for me, despite still having the same desires as other people, I was emotionally unable to bring myself to be with anyone else in the weeks after the break up had someone been available. In many ways I'm still not ready now after nearly 8 months.

 

To break up with you, find another guy, spark up a relationship and to sleep with him in such a short space of time suggests to me that maybe she's not as much emotional investment in you as she's making out.

 

Be careful that she's not using you as a fall back

[LovelyDaze]

To break up with you, find another guy, spark up a relationship and to sleep with him in such a short space of time suggests to me that maybe she's not as much emotional investment in you as she's making out.

 

Be careful that she's not using you as a fall back

 

That's what I thought to myself instantly when I read it.

 

I know that we are not a modern day Nostradamus here on LS, but I am nearly 99.9 % sure that this won't end well either. Speaking on Renard99's comment, your ex sounds emotionally stunted. She seems like the kind of ex that has no problem dangling carrots and leaving tons of bread crumbs when it is convenient for her.

 

I have a bad feeling that when the wind blows, your ex will dump you for a new guy and then later, come back to you because she KNOWS you will be waiting. Don't do that to yourself! You will always be seen as a backup plan when she gets bored of a new boyfriend or lonely between new dates.

 

I'm sure deep down she still has some genuine feelings for you but she is not mature enough to be in a true relationship with ANYBODY. Many people are like this and you really can't afford to give up your self worth for someone who doesn't want to love you the way you deserve.

 

I agree, take a break from her(longer than a month) and get to know yourself. Create boundaries of what you will and won't tolerate from a relationship. Do you tolerate the wishy-washy ways that your ex is doing now? If you do, then your heart will continue to suffer over and over and over...

[giuliano-3]

Being strung along for a year after a breakup, being told by the ex that they still love you, holding out hope that one day soon you'll be back together...this is pain you do not want to have. Believe me, I know a thing or two about it. Like the above posters said, when push comes to shove she'll probably leave again. Or cheat. Or be mentally abusive. Or all three. Not saying it will happen for sure, but the odds are pretty strong.

 

I can say, without doubt, that time truly does heal a hurt psyche. After a bad dumping you're kind of left holding the bag. Wondering why, how it could have happened like that. Just give it time, come on here and post your feelings - it can help. A few months down the road you can come back and read what you were thinking at the time and go "man, I'm sure glad I don't think that way anymore."

[Graceful]

Oh, please, stand up for yourself and your feelings in this matter and don't hide the fact you are crushed.

 

It doesn't matter if you were broken up or not, or if she was cheating or not, she did what she did, and it hurts to know she would find refuge, for any reason, sleeping with someone else so soon. No one with a heart, a conscience, deep feelings or self-awareness would have done that.

 

But the *scar* created in my mental picture of our relationship I feel like will haunt me until the day I die. I know relationships aren't perfect and the act of *sex* and *getting off* is something everybody does. I would of without question slept with another girl in the month we were apart if I had the opportunity.

No, it's not something "everybody does" and I think you are way off base in saying that. Everybody? Maybe you didn't mean that so literally, but there are people on LS and the reason we are here is because we don't move on in a couple of weeks, let alone sleep with the next warm body that comes along. So don't assume that this is what "everybody" does. Yes, it happens, and yes, people do it. But don't make a blanket statement just to soften what she did.

 

Tell her you're trying not to judge her, but her actions have put a serious dagger in your heart, and you need some time and space to think about getting back with her. She needs to see and know that you can't just brush something like this under the rug, and "get over it". What she did is not alright, and she needs to hear it. Why should it be okay? Take off the rose colored glasses, please. She just revealed herself to you.

 

And to get real here, I am sorry to say that you give no evidence that she feels sorry for what she did, and she wants to make it up to you. You give no evidence that you've discussed what went wrong so you know how to proceed and make the relationship better. So just trying to pick up where you left off because you missed her or because you "love" her, isn't going to work magic. Nope, not gonna happen.

 

So do what you have to do, or you're going to just hurt yourself even more than you were hurt in the first place. Sorry. Getting back together is a commitment to make things better, not just a "quick fix" to getting out the pain of missing your ex. Take care.

[Nohbody]

As usual, agree with Grace.

 

If you feel like you need to jump back into a relationship with her because you are worried she'll just find someone to climb into bed with while you are working on yourself and sorting out your feelings... well... fine. Let her.

[Chi townD]

Graceful is as wise as ever!

 

She gave herself to someone else. Something that most people covet and hold as special. You can't just forget that it ever happened and can't just forget about because of the technicality that you to were "Broken up, so you can't get upset about it." Is it a rule that you can't?

[Layzie89]

Was about to give my two cents but great advice has already been given. OP I hope you take the time to seriously think things through with this one. One key thing to note: "Women like men, not needy clingy insecure people." You go running back to her at the blink of an eye, all "baby I've missed you, why did you sleep with him in such a short time? it doesn't matter i love you and i'm okay with it" and you're only setting yourself up for another heartbreak.

 

Take it slow man

[LovelyDaze]

Don't be afraid to be alone. Most of us want to be in a secure, loving relationship with someone who's intentions are honest and like-minded.

Why settle?

 

To paraphrase a saying from Maya Angelou, when someone shows you who they are...believe them. Your ex has shown that she can easily run on her attraction to somebody else, sleep with them, then go running back to you without any regard to your well being (or hers).

 

After a breakup, it is healthy to spend some quality and lengthy "me" time.

As I said before, you will continue this vicious cycle hurting even more than you do now if you don't take a long break from your ex.

[wilsonx]

I'm getting back together with my EX of almost 2 years. We were apart for a month and in the time she found a new boyfriend and slept with him while they were together.

 

Although she technically didn't cheat on me I feel crushed. I've been through a similar situation when I was a little younger where I felt similar heartache/pain to what I feel now. But this is way more intense. I haven't really eaten in 3 days... I feel sick.

 

I don't really know what kind of advice I'm asking for. I know the heart ache will pass in time. But the *scar* created in my mental picture of our relationship I feel like will haunt me until the day I die. I know relationships aren't perfect and the act of *sex* and *getting off* is something everybody does. I would of without question slept with another girl in the month we were apart if I had the opportunity.

 

I feel sick and extremely insecure. But I want to somehow make it through this. I want to get back together with the girl I love and move and grow past these dark times and develop a stronger bond.

 

 

But I am seriously just so emotionally crippled right now. I honestly don't feel like what happened with ever be all right. Logic is escaping me.

 

You will never recover from this. I am telling you right now. I tried it, it ATE at me for a year even after talking to her about it. This is a destructive decision. You are hurt and instead of doing the right thing and letting her go, you are going to use her to cover up the hurt that you feel inside. If you read my thread, I am no longer attracted to you in my signature, it states hurt people hurt people. Its true, it doesnt matter what type of family you come from at this point. Until you find a way to deal with and end the hurt on your own, you are going to use the relationship as a cast. The second time around be prepared for twice as much pain because it does hurt that much worse the second time around.