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Trying to do the right thing


kathyd

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It helps me to read the replies to all of the posts. I need to hear the positive advise and apply it to myself.

 

I have a feeling I'm much older than most of you. I turned 47 2 days ago.

 

I had a tumultuous relationship for 6 years with a man 9 years younger than me. We had broken up too many times to count. This time is different. He stopped loving me. I had seen it coming and there was nothing I could do about it. It's a long story, but basically he got his own appartment and started a new life and he didn't need me anymore (at least that's the way I see it).

 

It's been a month so far. He called 2 days ago to wish me a happy birthday. My daughter answered and I told her to tell him I wasn't home. This is the first time I have successfully stayed away from him.

 

I also have a history of running to another man to get over the last one. That really doesn't work. So, this time I'm trying to do what I feel is the right thing to do and get over this before I go out there and find someone else.

 

My question to all of you is, do you block out all those memories that pop into your head all the time. Funny how you only remember the good things and not the bad things. Or do you just let the feelings and memories come and deal with them?

 

I'm trying to take a positive approach to this breakup. Trying to come out of this as a better person all around. 6 years is a lot of memories to deal with, especially with the holidays.

 

Any advise would be appreciated.

 

thanks

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Sorry to hear it's a hard time right now.

 

How was the relationship all around?

 

It's sound like your doing the right thing. One thing that worked for me was to sit and write down only bad things you remember, things that were said, things that were done. It worked for me after re reading them enough it hit me like a ton of bricks everything I was putting myself through for soooooooo long.

 

I don't know how the relationship was, were there alot of bad times? If there were eventually you'll remember and get them written down, put all your hurt, anger, energy into remember only the bad times.

 

good luck :rolleyes:

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thanks Cam. it was a love/hate kind of relationship. there were MANY bad times but i have to say that i've never had as much fun with anyone else.

 

i do try to force myself to counteract the good memories with the bad ones. i'm actually doing very well, everything considered. bought a few "self-help" type books on self esteem and life management.

 

i guess my biggest problem is the realization that he/his son/family are gone from my life forever. i have grown to love these people. and no, i can't still be friends with them.

 

my other major problem is that i don't have any single friends to go out with. most of them are in fairly new 2nd marriages. it ain't easy being single at my age.

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It sounds to me like you need to take some time out to learn the dynamics of relationships....how to have healthy ones....how to spot the winners and the losers. Take some time out to learn to PAY ATTENTION!!! Yes, just paying attention to day to day details of a relationship will teach you when it's right and when it's wrong. You had many, many hints during your last relationship that were clearly telling you that it was wrong and it wouldn't last, yet you stayed. Yes, there were some good times but the bad stuff was clearly such that you knew deep down it wasn't a keeper, it was only temporary.

 

Once you've got the paying attention thing down pat, practice it. Terminate relationships that aren't going anywhere and put your energy into the people who are going to love you long term and be good for you. If you don't have a clue about how to do this, go to a good book store and spend the day reading about healthy relationships. Then go out and practice. Empower yourself to leave those who aren't treating you well or that you just don't feel good about. Learn when to leave, learn when to give up, and also learn when to move forward and give your heart to someone who is worthy.

 

If for some reason you feel deep down you're not worthy of a first class relationship...or you feel you'll never find one...work on your self esteem and positive thinking. Your thoughts guide your entire life and create your reality.

 

Take up your time doing this and you will forget about your previous relationship because you will have bright hope for the future.

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A very sad story -- :(

 

I went through a breakup 4 months ago; similiar to your situation, when your partner suddenly just stops loving you. It sucks, I know.

 

As far as what I do about my memories? They will always be there, whether they are good or bad, but they don't haunt me. After our breakup, I pretty much just shut down my emotions as though she never existed to me.

 

I'm sure that after some time, you'll be ok. Keep your head up. We're behind you!

 

And by the way - HAPPY BIRTHDAY - XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

:laugh:

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Tony, your insight is unbelievable. I really didn't give all that much info, but you read right into my whole life. It's taken me 47 years to figure out exactly what you're saying. It's been said to me before, but I chose not to listen. Well, I'm listening now. I don't want to make any more mistakes. When I'm ready to go out again, I want to feel that I'm prepared to make the right choices. I am working on my self-esteem (or what's left of it).

 

Vivid, thanks for the kind words.

 

I have made some self improvement type goals for myself to achieve before I date again. Hopefully, I'll get it right next time.

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Hi Kathy, I can so relate to how you're feeling. I too, am 47,(Happy Birthday), and ended a long-term affair not quite 3 months ago. I'm having a terrible time moving forward. It's difficult finding places to go where one can meet other singles our age, and I hate being alone because I can't deal with the memories of what we had.

I miss him, and still love him very much, but he couldn't make a decision about what he wanted. I couldn't deal with being 2nd choice, so I ended it.

One thing, I too have learned is that I can't allow myself to get involved in another relationship until I figure out why I keep getting into the wrong ones. I'm taking this time alone, to learn more about ME. I've been taking care of everyone else's needs for such a long time, that I had no idea what was important to me. It's been a long and often difficult process, but I feel like I'm on the right track. Hang in there. Things will get better. Allow yourself to grieve your loss. Take care! :)

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crazy_old_broad

Thanks Peacelilly, your profile doesn't say where you live. I live in a suburb of chicago and there are several singles type things around here - dances, speed dating, etc. I have no problem going to things like that by myself, but since i'm not looking to get into a relationship or even date makes it pretty pointless. i would love to meet single woman my age to have someone to hang out with, but that never happens. actually at this point i don't really feel like leaving the house anyway. i'm actually kind of enjoying my solitude.

 

i wish you the best with your search for inner peace.

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Six years is a long time. You're most likely grieving about now. That's to be expected. The loss of love is devastating but you'll recover with time.

 

What you must do now is throw yourself into, work, hobbies, children and play. Keep busy and try not to obsess about your ex as you suffer withdrawal pains.

 

I'd resist the temptation to find a quickie replacement. That kind of rebound relationship is like a happy meal: OK while eating but afterwords all that is left is a bad taste in your mouth.

 

I would , however, socialize more and fight the temptation to obsess about your relationship with your ex. You need to get out of yourself, and one way of doing that is posting, here, and giving advice to folks much like yourself. LoveShack is great therapy. I suspect many of us regulars stumbled upon LoveShack when we were picking up the pieces of our shattered lives.

 

So join us kathyd!

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