I beg you please help me.

[GIZMO]

Okay, so for the last few months I thought I was finally over my ex. I knew that I loved him and I knew I always would.. But now I have a problem once again..

As my previous posts have said I was with my ex for 7 years and we had a wedding date set and all...Well, to make a long story short, he broke up with me right after we set a wedding date, he told me that he was not in love with me anymore, he loved me.. but not in love with me..

Well come to find out the REAL truth, he has been cheating on me with our co worker ( We both work at the same place.. I actually got him the job there, dumb me ) and now they are both together.. She left her man and my ex left me..

Anyways, I wanted to know the REAL truth from my ex's mouth, and he called me about ever name in the book and told me to grow up and get over it.. He told me he will not answer any questions that I have..

Is there something wrong with me? Why can I not just say forget him and forget this girl? Why is it that I need to hear it from my ex that he is with my co worker? And how am I going to face this when I go back to work? This is so hard.. Its been 5 months now.. Will the pain ever just leave 100%???

Can someone please help me here? Please just be truthful with me.. I am mad, sad, and I feel like I am mad at myself for ever trusting my ex..

I am a pretty woman as well, I have no problems getting dates or anything, I just can not seem to just say forget the ex and his new girl toy and let them be..

I am going on 27 years old and in ways I feel like I am acting like a child..

I beg you please help me get through this..

[yes]

one thing to keep in mind is that 7 years is a quite a long time. it's only been 5 months since the break up - it's perfectly normal that it's taking you more than that to get over him, especially given the specifics of the break-up.

just hang in there. it takes people years to get over their ex's.

 

why don't you try to find a different job, meanwhile?

 

also, any chance of talking all this over with a counsellor? they can be of great help.

 

best of luck,

-yes

[GIZMO]

I have already been in counseling, and I am even on Paxil..

It just seems like I have my ups and down days, ya know.

I just can not stop working at my job. I have been there

over 6 years now, I have great benefits and they are even

putting me through school.. I get a company car, etc..

That is why I can not quit working there.. So I need

to help to me strong again..

I just don't know why people cheat.. do they not know

how bad it hurts?? I feel like my heart is in my tummy..

[just_bella]

Trust people cheat becuz of themselves. It has nothing to do with you. Sometimes the other person is search for something that they can't have. they enjoy the excitement of the idea of cheating. That they enjoy having no commitments to the other person...they just fill their sexual needs. So many people cheat...please do not blame your self. I have a friend who's husband cheated on her all through their marriage. The way she found out he was cheating is she got an std. Then She finally got out and realized what she wanted. Sometimes we put some much trust & love in someone but we don't see that maybe this person is not really right for us. Love is blind!!!

 

Please don't blame yourself. You have nothing to blame yourself for. All you did was love this person. I know it must hurt. It is the feeling being betrade. My ex did not cheat on me. But he did the next best thing. He started seeing some one new right after me. The body was not even cold yet. To me it felt like cheating. To this day, I still have slight depression.

 

You must realize you got out early enough to realize he was a jerk. Atleast you did not marry him. You are very lucky. And trust me, we will find some one who deserves us.

 

I wish these cheating bastards can feel the pain they leave us with!!

 

Take care

[GIZMO]

Do you think think since this cheating has been going on and now he is still with her that they will work things out and be so happy? I mean he has already brought her to his parents house etc...

I don't understand how after 7 years you can just say I want someone new and leave the one you were with for so long.. Ya know..

I don't even know why I care anymore, after all, he does not give a damn about me at least anymore.. But for some reason I do.. In a way its like I am punishing myself for asking him if he is with this other girl.. But he will not tell me either way..

Maybe I am just messed up in the head, I don't know..

I know I will one day get over this, I guess I just don't know how to deal with all of this when I go back to work.. I know this girl and I even asked her if she was with my ex, and I was very nice about it.. and she told me they were only friends, but yet, now the truth comes out and I find out they really are together..

I want to say something to her and just go off on her, but I know if I do that, it will just make that tramp smile and laugh at me.. So I will not give her the satisfaction of knowing that I am so hurt by all of this.. I just hope that they both get hurt by this, I hope that she cheats on him or maybe he cheats on her, so that way they both know how he feels like to be me right now..

But I know that is probable never going to happen.

I just don't know how someone can be so cold hearted.. I am the type of person that always laughed and played goofy things on people ( all for fun ) I made people laugh and I had a lot of good times, and now I sit back and think, did I do something wrong? What did I do to deserve this from my ex when in reality all I did was love this man.. Really.. I know there are always 2 sides to a story, but I am not leaving anything out here..

Will this pain ever pass? Will I ever be able to trust again?

I have even read other posts on here where people say to keep your self busy, so I went out and got a second job as a shot girl and I am in a 5 week course at college.. and I don't know if this is making it worse on me or what..

Can someone please tell me what it is that is wrong with me? How can I still love a man that used and abused me and played me like a fool?

Do you think him and his new toy talks about me?

Should I say something to her?

Should I say something else to him?

When he see's me at work he always comes and talks to me about how my day is going or how school is etc.. How do I handle that now??

[just_bella]

Be the better person....walk away when he or she approaches you. It is their sick way of continue to hurt you. Don't let them do this to you. If you allow them to be a part of your life you are allowing them to hurt you. Show them you are better off. I know it is hard to do. Walk away from them...or just act like you are busy & not interest what they have to say. Just take care of yourself. It seems like you are keeping busy that is good. As you said you are an attractive girl. Go out & have fun again. Learn to be tht fun loving girl you once were.

 

Trust me once you pick up the pace and be more yourself again things will get easier. I feel like I am in your shoes. I realized it is time to just move on. I am starting to me more myself everyday. I used to be a fun loving person. But this break up has left me bitter. Please realize this person doesn't deserve to even know you. They were lucky to even have a 7 yr relationship with you. You will find someone better. We all go through these heart aches to learn & love again. Without this failed relationship we would not know what we really want & deserve.

[GIZMO]

Thank you, I understand what you are saying.. I guess I am just scared that when I see them at work my emotion's are going to take over my body and I will do something stupid. You know..

I am going this Sunday to get the rest of my stuff out of my old place and he will not be there. I was thinking of putting Neir ( hair remover ) in his shampoo... I think it would be kind of funny.. But I know I should just let things be left alone.. Its hard thats all I know..

I hate people that cheat, in my eyes if you are not happy with your partner then either talk and try to work through the problems or move on, but do not cheat!

Also, I think it is pretty shallow of him and of this girl to date each other when I work there. You know.. They should quit working there or not see each other at all.

I would never even think of dating a man at work for the fact that my ex works there. Ya know

[just_bella]

Hey Gizmo,

 

I know how it feels! I 've second guessing myself worth lately. I don't understand why someone I loved & shared 4 yrs with could move on so quickly. And it hurts to be rejected 7 tossed as side. I still don't understand how you can have more feelings for someone who you only dated for 3 months vs 4 yrs. I can't understand how one person can love you one moment & leave the next.

 

We all want answers. But the truth is we can't handle them. I think it would hurt more if you knew those answeres. It will make the pain last even longer. and sometimes they don't know the answers to your questions. He is a jerk. A very selfish a$$. Plus we all want closure. But sometimes it is best to let time heal itself.

 

I truly feel your pain. All you did was love someone. I wish people could be honest with themselves & truthful w/ their partners. If you feel that things aren't working out then tell us. Don't give us lame excuses.

 

It is pretty sad he is seeing a coworker of yours. Is there any rules about interoffice dating. May you can get him fired...hehehehe.

[GIZMO]

That is funny you say maybe I can get him fired. I already thought of that, but I don't think I can.. But I was thinking of going to see the Human Resource in my work place and see what they say about those 2 dating each other, but at the same time.. I would feel like I am falling on their grounds and I feel I am better then that.

Ya know what I mean?

I just don't want to play the games anymore. I have done a ton of crying today, and I don't want to keep crying over a lying piece of crap like him anymore..

I am a Strong woman, and I will get past this, and one way or another this will hunt him... He is a mean cold hearted boy who needs to grow up.

People are right when they say at least you did not marry him.. That would just be a mess.. Maybe my ex and his new toy deserve each other.. After all, its pretty shallow that they are dating when I work there..

Ya know..

People will see their true colors now, and if our other co workers don't talk to them anymore.. well, thats not my fault.. I only told the truth about what he has done to me..

They both will look pretty dumb knowing that they were together when my ex and I were still living together..

My only fault was loving this man..

He is a bad person and I think I just need to stay mad at him right now, and not think about what the 2 of them are doing right now..

Make sense?

[lost_in_chgo]

Forget all the HR stuff. It will just make you look bad anyway.

Take the high road. It leaves you more options.

[GIZMO]

So you think that maybe I should just let it go and when I see my ex or his new woman just don't even look at them and walk away?

What if this girl starts gloating becasue she is with my ex now? This girl he is seeing is 23 years old and for the fact she is a woman I know that she can be very evil.. How do I handle that?

What if she starts staring at me and things?

I don't know what to do if that happeneds.

[gwennebe]

Hey Gizmo. Sorry to hear what your going through. I understand exactly how you feel. I can't imagine the situation your in with the whole work thing. I don't think I would be emotionally strong enough to handle that one.

 

What I can say is I think you should definately not let them think they are bothering you. If they feel the need to rub it in your face or be jerks about it than most likely they will not work out. If they really cared about each other and were so happy then they wouldn't need to try to hurt someone else.

 

Just wait until the infatuation wears off and they have to face real relationship issues. He was with you how long 7 years? I'm sure he did love you or you wouldn't have lasted that long. I really doubt what they have together is as strong as what you had. Not saying that you would want to take him back after all of this of course but think about it......

 

He just got out of a long term relationship and he's in the ifatuation stage now and like I said wait until they both have issues start to spring up. Considering the circumstances that brought them together it sounds like they are doomed form the start. So what you need to do is keep your head. Don't let them get to you. Just try as hard as you can to move on and get on with your life and just sit back and watch. You will be the one with the smug smile when they fall apart.

 

I'm sure he'll try to get you back and then you'll be able to put him through what he's put you through.

[LauraD]

Gizmo,

 

I dated someone for about the same length of time. I broke it off with him and immediately started dating someone else. I can tell you that for the first couple of months, I rarely thought of my ex. My ex was the type of person any girl would love to have--sensitive, good listener, affectionate, good dad type etc... but yet I wrapped myself up in a new person. I think I wanted to experience something new. In truth, I was being someone else, someone he did not know and I no longer understood either.

 

After a few months, reality kicked in and I realized how impulsive and horrible I had acted toward my ex and our long-term relationship. I started thinking of him often, missing him terribly. Basically, I returned from my foolish and childish escapade with new eyes.

 

My point is, after a long-term relationship spanning seven years, a person CANNOT move on so quickly. Unless he had been mulling over the move for awhile before the breakup, I sincerely doubt he has healthfully moved on to a new relationship. More than likely, he is experiencing a high off of a fresh, different, new relationship--something I wonder if he's truthfully ready for. Most relationships of our sort require some kind of a sufficient closure, which includes a grieving process to cope with the major change. This relationship may be his rebound, or his weird way of temporarily forgetting that he broke it off with you.

 

You don't seem to mention the quality of the relationship in the weeks, months prior to the breakup. Was he being distant, unfairly critical, apathetic, unavailable, emotionally detached, etc.?? Did he seem atypical in any way? Your relationship maybe needed some changes, and instead of making the effort to repair the problems, he decided to bail out and do something completely different. Then again, maybe not, but at this point he seems to be a hard case to follow. If he is the type that runs away from problems, I would wonder if he might come to his senses in the near future, and return to you.

 

I would NOT speak with the new girlfriend, no matter how much you want to get your hands on her! That will only make you look weak! Feign strength while at work. When your ex comes up to you and tries to be chatty, assertively remove yourself from the situation, tell him you are not ready to act like everything is all right, because nothing is all right within yourself at this point.

 

Don't feel alone. I know it is hard to feel comfort from a stranger's typewritten condolences or advice, but believe me and everyone else here who has written--you are not the only one. And you will not feel this ****ty for long. It will naturally take time to come to your own point of acceptance. Before then, anything might happen, and keep that idea alive inside yourself! Even if you hate what the ex has done, don't discount the fact that he could be confused and acting irrationally and terribly at your expense. You may never want him back, but he might want you back. If anything, you will meet other people. I know how bad that sounds right now. Nothing, no other man, nothing can console you at this stage. I've been there and I know that it is OK to be sad and lonely and full of presently answerless questions. But have faith. Time will turn the tides for you. It may be in a way you don't expect. But don't lose faith in the power of time. You will be fine, please believe me.

 

I think your ex boyfriend will come around at some point. A catty woman definitely does not have the upper hand in the long run. This other woman sounds selfish, inconsiderate and downright mean. If you were with the boyfriend for so long, and you're a decent girl, I doubt he'll be able to stomach her for too long.

[Desert Wind]

Kill your enemies with KINDNESS! That would be something they won't understand as I might think they EXPECT you to react unkindly and be all b!tchy or raging at least. This cool facade will surely put them more into questioning themselves.

 

Don't seek revenge by reporting them to HR. It might backfires on you. Just as you can't/won't leave your job, they too might have similar views on that. Best be to leave them to do what they like with each other, although some fantasy revenge is okay, don't let that over rule your entire being. Only time will tell if their relationship will ever work out, just don't bother questioning that.

 

Meanwhile, should your ex talks to you, remain polite but secretive; not his business anymore.

 

Hope this help.

 

Desert Wind

[GIZMO]

Thank you all so much for your advise. I think you are all right when you say to be strong and not fall to there level of maturity.

I am going to try to be as nice as I can when I see them. I will say hello and good bye to them but nothing more.. I will not go out of my way to see them or to say a word to them..

I watched a movie last night and there was a saying that opened my eyes a lot.. The saying was " you will always ONLY live with yourself, and no one else can live your life " and I know it sounds kind of dumb, but its the truth. I know that I can live with my actions and I know that I was not to blame that my ex was cheating on me with my co worker.. and you know, if they are happy together great, and if not.. well, I can watch it fall apart...

But either way, I have no choice but to accept the face we will never get back together and I will never trust him again even if he wanted to get back with me, so we would not have a healthy relationship with one another anyways now..

As the song goes " Its time for me to Fly"...

I am going to try not to feel so sorry for myself and to understand that I may be with out a man for a long while, but that is not such a bad thing.. I will be able to find out more about myself.. like I once knew..

I know I am a great person with a huge heart and I am decent looking, and I don't feel it will be hard to find someone that will love me for me.. I just hope that I can over come my trust issues.. but that is up to me to try and over come..

Love is all about a let down at times.. you never know what can come of love.. But at least I knew that I did love someone very much and I was in love with him.. That is his stupidity for letting me go... And I know this..

Thank you all so much for being here for me.. with out this website I think I would really be so lost..

Thanks again to all of you..

Gizmo

[Melinda]

Pain is still pain. And 7 years is a long time for a relationship that hadn't progressed to marriage...

 

I had my first serious bf when I was 16 (i've just turned 19 so it feels like ages ago but at the same time it's only a few years!) and we were together for a few months, anyway he ended up cheating on me (but is still with that girl to this day so if he's happy I guess it was worth my pain) anyway that alone took me about 2 years to properly get over! Then i just found it easier to stop trying to accept what he had done, and just hated him. it was easier and better than trying to pretend...I just finally realised what a child he was, especially when I let him treat me badly...

 

So if he's called you every name in the book and won't talk to you about it, forget him...they deserve each other...if they left their partners for each other, what's to say they won't do it to each other? I hate people who date someone for ages, staying with them for the sake of staying with them, but all the while they are looking for a better offer...and when they think they've found one they're out the door...

 

So if a lame relationship like that hurt me for 2 years, I'd hate to imagine what you're going through!!! We all cope differently i guess.

 

have you thought about finding another job?

[Melinda]

You don't owe them anything. I wuldn't even be polite to them! i'd just ignore them! they don't deserve your kindness and gratification...what did they ever do for you besides destroy you?! Don't worry, what goes around comes around, so one day I hope the sell each other out the way they sold out their partners...or here's an idea...why don't you get it together with her ex...but then again that would be lowering your standards...

[GIZMO]

I am better off alone right now.. After being with someone for 7 years I am not able to give my full heart to someone just yet.. And I am a real person.. My ex on the other hand and his new toy.. well, let them be.. Your right when you say what comes around goes around.

My ex is 33 and his new toy is 23 so you tell me what in the world can they really have in common.. But lets see how long they last..

I need to just stop worrying about them, and worry about me now.. I can not and will not keep feeling sorry for myself.. The longer I feel sorry for my self the longer it will take for me to be able to move on..

I will not let him or them take over my life.. What's done is done and now it is time to wake up and smell the coffee that he did not deserve me anyways, I was way to good for him and I know this..

I can not get another job, I have a really good job right now.. I already give him everything else, he will not get my job either..

I did make sure I told everyone at work on how he cheated on me with this girl, and lets just say.. he does not have many friends left.. So lets see how he handles this now..

All's I did was tell the truth.. If he lies, which I know he will, well then that is up to him to deal with his lying ass..

I know that I would never ever cheat on a man, and people that cheat... well, then need to grow the hell up and realize that it hurts really bad when you are the one getting cheated on..

Last night I met a few people and it was sad.. One man had a child with the one he truly loved.. Well, she slept with his brother!!!!!!!! So, things can always be worse, you know.. At least it was not family that my ex cheated on me with....

Anyways, thank you all again..