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Why am I not healing??


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I'm getting frustrated with my inability to get over my break up. I still think about him constantly- and I still find myself crying over him a lot.

 

I was only with him for 5 1/2 months- and it's been 4 months since we broke up. I know he was wrong for me- and he didn't have the ability to love me... But I had never been happier than I was in those first few months together. I haven't fallen for anyone like that since my exH.

 

I got pregnant a few months into our relationship- and everything changed after that. I was pretty messed up during that time- and then I had a miscarriage. He broke up with me shortly after that. I was devastated by both losses.

 

I miss how it felt to be in a relationship. I've felt so alone since we broke up.

 

I've remained NC since the break up. I just don't understand why he's still on my mind 24/7. He certainly doesn't deserve my energy- he left me when I was going through a really hard time.

 

All I want to do is heal- I don't know why I am having so much difficulty moving on from this.

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I feel your pain. Has he contacted you?

 

No, we've both been silent for 4 months, the day after he dumped me he sent me a text saying he felt so bad and would miss me- that's the last I heard from him.

 

I know it's better that he doesn't contact me, I'd be even more messed up if he contacted me.

 

I know I'll never hear from him again- he's just that kind of person.

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TaintedHeart
No, we've both been silent for 4 months, the day after he dumped me he sent me a text saying he felt so bad and would miss me- that's the last I heard from him.

 

I know it's better that he doesn't contact me, I'd be even more messed up if he contacted me.

 

I know I'll never hear from him again- he's just that kind of person.

 

Yeah my ex is the same, I just can't get my head around the fact that I'll never see the one person I love ever again. Weird feeling!

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Given the circumstances, it's likely the emotional memories made during this time, particularly those made near the end of it, are deeper and more elemental than those formed in recent memory. It's an ending which is very difficult to go through the grieving process over. It's hard to find the path to acceptance. This also may be a function of age, dependent on how one's psychology develops with age and life experience. Age can be a double-edged sword in that it generally allows one better tools to deal with life changes, but also the introspection and emotional depth to feel them more elementally. Sometimes the tools and depth of feeling get out of sync. I occasionally experience moments of that even long after substantially disconnecting from and divorcing my exW. I like to think of them as little aftershocks following the earthquake of divorce. Expect them, accept them and they pass.

 

It will get better. :)

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Who says you aren't healing ???

 

Girl you are grieving for the loss of the baby and the loss of the realtionship all at once and it's taking you longer to move on to another relationship than you think you should but D-lish.. you are healing.. that is what time does for us...

Everybody takes their own time and pace when going thru tough times..

 

**Hugz**

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BrainRightHeartWrong

Trust me... you are healing...

 

I met a wonderful girl after a break up years ago and I let my thoughts and feelings of a stupid ex ruin it which I regret, I wish I could meet her now...

 

You've been through a lot of hell and still are but you'll get there in the end as we all do!

 

You can't accelerate the healing process as this is personal to you and there is no set time period to get over somebody, don't torture yourself and take your own time as this is only natural

 

You are doing well posting here and I know rightly you'll be just about damn fine in the end

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Believe me D-Lish, there is nothing wrong with you. I am going through the same thing and after all the hurt and pain the x put me through, I still can't stop thinking about him. I have begun to think it's because I really, really, loved him. Maybe you really felt something for this guy that you haven't felt in SO long and that's why you are having a hard time. It's getting easier, right? So it will continue as the days go by. I know at our age it sucks even more because of the question, "Will I ever meet anyone again?" I think that's what I miss the most; having a partner. Someone to talk to everyday that cared about me. Someone to cook dinner with, go to movies with, someone to snuggle with. It's got to get better, it just has too. Chin up! XOXO

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I know my ex had severe intimacy issues- I think the whole having a baby thing really tested him in a way he's never been tested before. I think it forced him to think LONG TERM- and as soon as the MC happened, he felt more relief than anything else.

 

It just hurts so much that he left so soon after the MC. I felt so discarded.

 

Anyone I've ever trusted in my life has let me down. I haven't let anyone into my heart in almost a decade before he came along. I believed he was "the one"- we made each other so happy before the pregnancy happened. Then I got emotional, and he got distant...

 

I don't want to wake up thinking of him every morning anymore- I don't want him to be the last thing I think about before I fall asleep anymore.

 

I just want the pain to end- because it should have by now!

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People don't not heal... Unless they spend a lot of time picking at the wound. Even then they heal after a while, but the scar is a lot uglier.

 

You keep working it over in your mind, alternately absolving yourself and blaming yourself. And hurting yourself over and over. It isn't anything to do with him. You knew it wasn't going last anyway. you probably would have called it off yourself sooner or later.

 

This is about how hard it is to forgive yourself when even Mr. Not-so-right seemed to conclude your baggage was a lot to carry. Some people never forgive themselves.

 

You have figure out a plan to get through this without a nasty scar.

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People don't not heal... Unless they spend a lot of time picking at the wound. Even then they heal after a while, but the scar is a lot uglier.

 

You keep working it over in your mind, alternately absolving yourself and blaming yourself. And hurting yourself over and over. It isn't anything to do with him. You knew it wasn't going last anyway. you probably would have called it off yourself sooner or later.

 

This is about how hard it is to forgive yourself when even Mr. Not-so-right seemed to conclude your baggage was a lot to carry. Some people never forgive themselves.

 

You have figure out a plan to get through this without a nasty scar.

 

I already have nasty scars from my divorce, :o

 

I have really come to the conclusion that I'm going to die alone.

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OK, D-Lish. I know you are down. I think many of us often feel we will "die alone" but we can't predict what is going to happen tomorrow or next year or 10 years from now! Have you read the book, "In the Meantime" by Iyanla Vanzant? I just finished it and it's really helpful! I think it will help you with these feelings you are having about being alone and not finding anyone again.

 

What are you doing to take care of yourself? What are you doing to love yourself?

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I already have nasty scars from my divorce, :o

 

I have really come to the conclusion that I'm going to die alone.

 

 

You look like a cute girl... not going to happen, unless you really convince yourself that you will.

 

You have to try to find meaning in what happened. No, it's not ideal, but you learned a lot I'm sure. For example, now you know not to get pregnant with some random dude you've been dating for 4 months. Lesson learnt, right?

 

As for not being able to forget about him, I recommend writing a list of all the reasons he was wrong for you. All of them. Be harsh and exaggerate some of his bad qualities. Read the list twice a day- in the morning and before you go to bed.

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Some times when life kicks your ass you just have to get up and ask for more. Then you have to do some living and ass kicking of your own.

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You look like a cute girl... not going to happen, unless you really convince yourself that you will.

 

You have to try to find meaning in what happened. No, it's not ideal, but you learned a lot I'm sure. For example, now you know not to get pregnant with some random dude you've been dating for 4 months. Lesson learnt, right?

 

As for not being able to forget about him, I recommend writing a list of all the reasons he was wrong for you. All of them. Be harsh and exaggerate some of his bad qualities. Read the list twice a day- in the morning and before you go to bed.

 

That was more of a broken condom thing- I'm 41- BC isn't an option for me- it screws with my hormones and the pregnancy was a total fluke.

 

It wasn't random between us- we were in a serious relationship. I waited a couple of months before having sex with him.

 

He was never just some random dude- he was someone I fell head over heels in love with.

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I already have nasty scars from my divorce, :o

 

I have really come to the conclusion that I'm going to die alone.

 

That isn't what you want. Don't be so cruel to yourself by saying that. You're young and pretty and guys dig you. It isn't hopeless at all.

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That was more of a broken condom thing- I'm 41- BC isn't an option for me- it screws with my hormones and the pregnancy was a total fluke.

 

It wasn't random between us- we were in a serious relationship. I waited a couple of months before having sex with him.

 

He was never just some random dude- he was someone I fell head over heels in love with.

 

You are sooo not 41 girl, exchange the 4 for a 3...hmm but then I've always had a thing for older women. ;)

 

It sucks I know, an ex fiance of mine almost 12/13 years back miscarried and it was tough, we were 19 back then, but we stuck it out for 9 years post, and we still talk about it to this day. If anything it is important to talk about these things when healing.

 

An ex 2 years back however still pops into my head a bit, and in part I allowed it to ruin the previous relationship of mine (and some potentially awesome dates)....it was with your advice in part that I'm still with my current, because despite all the good this girl has I was still comparing her to this ex. So your advice helped me realise a few things and stick it out, to which I'm glad to have done.

 

Your a strong girl, but you know that...heck 12,000+ post and counting I'd say you should add relationship columnist to your resume. And as always I look forward your sage advice, even constructive criticisms.

 

That and I really don't see you becoming a crazy old cat lady either.

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That isn't what you want. Don't be so cruel to yourself by saying that. You're young and pretty and guys dig you. It isn't hopeless at all.

 

Thanks Jo. I don't know why I've regressed back to the self pity stuff.

I've been a weeping mess this past week and I'm not sure where it's coming from. I said to my gf tonight that I just want to heal and move past this guy:o

 

 

You are sooo not 41 girl, exchange the 4 for a 3...hmm but then I've always had a thing for older women. ;)

 

It sucks I know, an ex fiance of mine almost 12/13 years back miscarried and it was tough, we were 19 back then, but we stuck it out for 9 years post, and we still talk about it to this day. If anything it is important to talk about these things when healing.

 

An ex 2 years back however still pops into my head a bit, and in part I allowed it to ruin the previous relationship of mine (and some potentially awesome dates)....it was with your advice in part that I'm still with my current, because despite all the good this girl has I was still comparing her to this ex. So your advice helped me realise a few things and stick it out, to which I'm glad to have done.

 

Your a strong girl, but you know that...heck 12,000+ post and counting I'd say you should add relationship columnist to your resume. And as always I look forward your sage advice, even constructive criticisms.

 

That and I really don't see you becoming a crazy old cat lady either.

 

Maybe a crazy old Dog Lady:p

 

I'm glad you stuck it out with your girl! I remember posting in your thread. I'm staying away from dating right now because I know I'm in no shape to be doing so.

 

At first I started multi-dating after the break up- but I think being in the negative state I'm in- I'm prone to making poor choices, not to mention attracting the wrong kind of men.

 

I should be angry- because he left me during a time when I needed him the most- and he was never very supportive with the miscarriage (nor did he ever want to talk about me being pregnant). He was physically present- and I know that means something, but not being able to talk about it was really hard on me.

 

I want to be angry- but I always have trouble getting to that stage of grieving.

 

Thanks for your support.

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Hey, how are the dogs doing? That might play into this as well. Our canine and feline friends are family and if they're struggling, it affects us, popping up issues in other areas.

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Hey, how are the dogs doing? That might play into this as well. Our canine and feline friends are family and if they're struggling, it affects us, popping up issues in other areas.

 

It's stressful, and it plays on my mind. With a change in diet- the vet says he's going to have some years left. I still worry- but I feel a little less stressed.

 

It's just been a rough 4 months. The MC, the break up, then the dogs- and work gives me so much anxiety.

 

What I miss so much is that feeling I had with him, those first 4 months together I was so incredibly happy- I miss that so much. It's pretty pathetic that in the last 10 years- I've had 3 months where life felt so wonderful.

 

 

Because he abandoned you...

 

Being abandoned, is extremely difficult to get over.

 

That's why.

 

That's exactly it- abandonment is hard. The self blame that comes from a situation like this has been really taxing on me.

 

It's really difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone got to know me really well- and decided I wasn't worthy to spend time with.

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That's exactly it- abandonment is hard. The self blame that comes from a situation like this has been really taxing on me.

 

It's really difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone got to know me really well- and decided I wasn't worthy to spend time with.

 

Of course it is. :(

 

I offer you a little snippet from an article I read some time ago. I hope that you find it helpful:

 

Being abandoned becomes very powerful to your emotional brain. It becomes powerful simply by being able to inflict so much pain. Being left is perceived by your mammalian brain as an attack upon your personal being.

 

It etches an indelible impression in a primitive part of the brain that acts automatically to protect you. It conditions your mammalian brain to react with fear each time you encounter the person whom it perceives as dangerous to your well being.

 

Acting beneath your conscious awareness, it maintains a constant vigil on your abandoner. You experience this as being temporarily obsessed with the person. Your nerves are set to 'go off' if you should unexpectedly bump into them later on or see them with a new love.

 

This enduring emotional reactivity is known as 'carrying a torch.' You are confused into thinking that if the pain can last that long and feel so strong, the person must have been very special. But this is not so. You can feel this way over anyone, even someone who had nothing special to offer. It is just your mammalian brain efficiently trying to warn you not to make the same mistake again.

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Of course it is. :(

 

I offer you a little snippet from an article I read some time ago. I hope that you find it helpful:

 

Being abandoned becomes very powerful to your emotional brain. It becomes powerful simply by being able to inflict so much pain. Being left is perceived by your mammalian brain as an attack upon your personal being.

 

It etches an indelible impression in a primitive part of the brain that acts automatically to protect you. It conditions your mammalian brain to react with fear each time you encounter the person whom it perceives as dangerous to your well being.

 

Acting beneath your conscious awareness, it maintains a constant vigil on your abandoner. You experience this as being temporarily obsessed with the person. Your nerves are set to 'go off' if you should unexpectedly bump into them later on or see them with a new love.

 

This enduring emotional reactivity is known as 'carrying a torch.' You are confused into thinking that if the pain can last that long and feel so strong, the person must have been very special. But this is not so. You can feel this way over anyone, even someone who had nothing special to offer. It is just your mammalian brain efficiently trying to warn you not to make the same mistake again.

 

It makes sense- because this guy was NOT special. He was actually a horrible match for me. I know that logically. My logic hasn't caught up to my heart- it rarely does to be honest.

 

It's frustrating to have so much insight into my situation- but still be unable to let it go.

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Madi in evergreen

It's really difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone got to know me really well- and decided I wasn't worthy to spend time with.

 

It may be easy to believe that he knows you really well. Yet you know that it is not true.

What he sees in you is his own belief and his own image (short comings and strength both) that he chose to project on you. That is him what he sees in you whether it is positive or negative. It is not you really.

 

Yet, there is only one person who can really see you, and it is you. As long as you know that you are awesome, that is all that matters right?

 

The right person is out there. As long as you are aware of it, he will find you :)

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It may be easy to believe that he knows you really well. Yet you know that it is not true.

What he sees in you is his own belief and his own image (short comings and strength both) that he chose to project on you. That is him what he sees in you whether it is positive or negative. It is not you really.

 

Yet, there is only one person who can really see you, and it is you. As long as you know that you are awesome, that is all that matters right?

 

The right person is out there. As long as you are aware of it, he will find you :)

 

I probably have to learn to see myself as awesome- but at the age of 41 and having self esteem issues my whole life- it might just be too late to release all the baggage and get my act together.

 

I'm pretty broken as an individual. I don't want to be- but it's a reality.

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