Think I've turned a corner, 2 week plan

[Exit]

I absolutely hate how fleeting and temporary all emotions are at this point. I know I could very well change my mind about all of this by the time my eyes open tomorrow, but all I know is on this day at this hour, this is how I'm feeling.

 

I've been hurt again. Caught her in another strange lie. Relationship ended in March, but have been on a constant roller coaster of contact, great days, bad days, being 99% to getting back together, going all the way back to square one, and repeating the process. Every single time we start having good days together, something else pops up that hurts me, and makes all the good days a waste. It has happened again. We've been back to kissing, acting like a couple, having her tell me that she is going to get her mind made up and make sure we won't miss the rest of the nice summer weather. This Sunday I literally thought was "the day", she was acting so awesome, I knew I'd be in the "Second Chances" forum by the end of the night saying how I got my ex back. Nope, she still said not now. Then today I find out she is still somehow involved with the other guy, who I already thought she figured out was a rebound and a mistake. I can't take any more.

 

I've been in this exact situation before. Things would be going good with her and then something would happen. And each and every time, my next move would be to go and confront her about it. Then she gets mad at me for showing up, spins it around so that I'm the bad guy, we don't talk for a few days, blah blah blah. I'm going to try to fight this urge this time. I sent her a text today just saying "hey whats up" without letting on to the fact that I knew something was up again. But she didn't answer, and she probably knows what I'm looking to talk to her about. She probably expects to see me show up at some point tomorrow. With any luck, I'm not going to.

 

Her birthday is this weekend. What a perfect time to show her that I am not going to devote any more time and energy into her as long as this crap is still happening. No visit, no card, not even a text, I'm not acknowledging her birthday.

 

I don't plan on saying anything more to her at this point. If she gets around to acknowledging my last text at some point and wants to know what I wanted to talk about, I suppose I will let her know, and maybe come to a mutual agreement that we are done for good, instead of leaving things still unresolved. But I will leave that completely up to her. She has a text from me, she knows I wanted to talk, ball is in her court. Not going to force-feed someone my opinion if they don't want it.

 

I'm finally at that point where I know that although she is directly responsible for my pain, I am responsible for allowing it to happen. I've had numerous chances to call it done, from the very first day of the breakup until now, and I have stayed involved. I was hurt so bad today, panicking, figuring out how I can confront her about this yet again, when finally I crossed that threshold; I just need this to stop.

 

Tonight I had the idea of a two week recovery plan. I just can't afford to miss an ex for six months to a year this time around. I've been there before and I just can't handle that again. For two weeks, definitely no contact on my part, and likely ignore anything that comes from her. I know the full-force thing to do would be to actually block her, but I am not sure if I can do that right this moment. Stop smoking, stop drinking, and although I know the usefulness of hanging out with friends during healing, I feel like I'll almost need some isolation for this. Especially considering my closest friend who provides me somewhere to escape to most of the time, is a mutual friend of hers, and every time I see him take his phone out, I feel a pain and wonder if they are talking (and I can use his Facebook to see hers). So as much as it might not be good to sit here alone, I know I need to avoid that.

 

I know, NC is about letting go and finally moving on. But there's no point in lying, at this very early stage in the process, I do still hope that finally cutting her off from the contact and affection I've still been giving her will have some effect. But, I also hope that by the time the process is over, I'll no longer care about that, and it really will be for moving on.

 

I'm not sure if I'll journal or visit the forums much. Maybe occasionally out of boredom, but I don't want to do things that keep me fixated on the breakup. There is nothing more to analyze or talk about, it's just time to stop this stupid cycle.

 

It's not easy to walk away from a breakup, but let me tell you, it's not any easier to be deciding to walk away when I feel like I got 99% of the way towards a 2nd chance. The other day she brought me flowers. These past few months, many times when I saw her, I would have a little flower for her, and she always kept them. This time she said "I figure it's about time I give you some". She's been affectionate again. She's been telling me we're gonna be together soon. Yet it all led back to square one.

 

I hope I have the strength to stick to this. And no, just because I'm saying it will be 2 weeks, that doesn't mean I'll go rushing back to contact as soon as it's done. I hope by that point, if none of the initiating has been done by her, if she doesn't come ring my doorbell after I no longer answer my phone, I'll be ready to leave it behind.

 

I don't know what's right or what's wrong anymore. I don't know if this is the best or worst idea I've ever had. I just know I need this incredible pain to stop, and I've given her the chance to stop doing it, and she won't, so now it's up to me to stop it. Will a girl who was just kissing me 24 hours ago realize she finally pushed it too far? Or am I just never going to hear from her again? Who knows. But I know what I've done so far hasn't worked, so I'm not going to confront her about this.

 

Time for bed.