My Story

[RythmShifter]

well, this is my story.

 

4 years ago, on the first day of high school as a freshman, I walked into my first class and sat down. I began to look around at all the people in the class with me, and I notice a beautiful girl sitting in a row across from me. We'll call her Lindsay for now. Some call it "love at first sight," but I had no idea what it was I was feeling at the time. Now, I have always been immature for my age, and I really did not know how to talk to girls yet. We had a few short conversations, and I could not keep my mind off of her for months. She ended up being in 3 of the 4 classes that I had at school, in that first semester. I never got the courage to really sit down and talk to her, or flirt, or any of that good stuff. The day our classes together ended, Jan 10 2000, I went back to my house after school, layed down on my couch in the basement and cried for the first time in longer than I could remember, and I have not been able to cry since (I believe thats because of the mental damage it caused me, my brain will not let me cry anymore because it doesnt want that trauma ever again.) Anyway, a few days after this, my friend introduced me to AOL's AIM program. I immediately went about finding out what Lindsay's screen name was. I finally came across it, and I talked to her for 3 days. I was still too immature at the time, and things just were not going well. I think I was more of an annoyance than anything at this point. The next part is so long, hard to describe, and depressing for me to tell. Just know that I accidentally lost her trust, and made her hate me enough to never want to speak with me again.

 

It was during the next few weeks I began to realize I really was in love with this girl. My life turned upside down, everything changed, and I no longer really wanted to live. That sounds very silly now, but I began seeing a pattern in my life, that has persisted to this very day, 4 and a half years later. Things begin to go ok for me, and then boom, everything blows up in my face and I'm left with nothing. This happens every 4-5 months. I am very, very sick of watching my life fall to pieces. Lindsay left me with a 4 year depression, during which I cut myself and attempted suicide several times, until one day I cut myself so deeply that blood was dripping down my arm. This scared the living **** out of me, and I have never picked up a knife in grief since. I honestly hate this endless downward spiral that I live in, but in the words of Our Lady Peace, "its all messed up, but we're alive."

 

Now, me and Lindsay have graduated high school, and she left our small city near Detroit to enter the Honors Program at Michigan State University. I am very proud of everything she has accomplished, and I've only recently realized why I love her as much as I do. She is everything that I wish I could be. Smart, very attractive, clever, funny, I guess you could say she is perfect in my eyes. I did not even really graduate high school, I left one credit short, although they told me if I finish one college class they will give me my diploma. Currently, I have dropped 2 of my college classes and am failing the other 2.

 

There has only been 3 things in my life that have been absolutely for sure. One, that I am very in love with a certain girl; Two, that I will fail in everything I attempt; and Three, I am forever stuck in this endless downward spiral of a life.

 

I have experimented with many drugs, I think as a way to kill the pain, and I've learned a few things that I think most people should know. There are drugs that will just plain **** you up, and there are drugs that will allow you to have a learning experience. Alcohol, cocaine, heroin, extasy, and pot will only **** you up. Psyilocybin mushrooms (magic shrooms), Acid (LSD), AMT, DMT, and Mescaline allow you to have a deep, spiritual experience during which you will begin to see the problems of your life and help you to find ways to fix them.

 

Anyways, here is the point of my story. I still have Lindsay's screen name, and she is online almost 24 hours a day at MSU. Should I even try to talk to her now? Now that I've grown up and changed and are able to handle this situation? Please let me know what you think. Thank you for your input.

[tattoomytoe]

has she ever expressed interest in you? does she know that you are totally obssessed with her?

i say no do not contact her, it will only cause you more pain, no matter what she has to say.

you say you fail at everything you do... well do you finish everything, or drop it after it gets too hard or boring, like classes?

i would really suggest talking to a trained doc., it sounds to me like you are setting yourself up for failure, and in turn facilitating your low self worth and esteem.

make goals for yourself, small at first, things that only depend on you to achive..... like acing that paper. but not like teaching the dog how to sit, because that goal hinges on the dogs behaviour.

look into anti depressants, as they helped me with depression and self mutilation.

 

good luck, turn your thinking around, (i try to think that there is someone out there that has it way worse than me, so i shouldn't be complaining.) it helps a little

[RythmShifter]

well as I said, I've gotten over the "self mutilation" and psychologists bother me. I view medication as poison, as much a poison as cocaine or extasy. Maybe I have not given the right impression of who I am. I'm honestly sad that you immediately came up with the remedy of "doctor and pills." The only person that can truly help you is yourself.

[RythmShifter]

oh also, she has expressed some interest but not since I've talked to her freshman year. She would approach me and start a conversation, but I'd be too stupid and scared to let it go anywhere.

[quankanne]

before you do anything else, you need to see a licensed counsellor to help you get your life on track. Before you can reach out and start a stable relationship with someone, you have to have a fairly healthy one with yourself.

 

at some point, it might be a good idea to think about apologizing to this girl for the pain you inflicted on her (physical or emotional, it's all very real to someone who is on the catching end of it). That might keep your relationship with her at status quo, it might worsen it, it might help it. But until you address the fact that you hurt her badly, you'll be facing a wall.

 

drugs aren't the answer -- they just lead you on a path away from yourself, IMNSHO. to do right by others, you first got to do right by yourself.

 

good luck

[RythmShifter]

is this what our society has degenerated into? That doctors and pills are the answer to everything? heres what I have to say to that, in the word of the Great Tony Montana (aka Scarface.)

 

**** THAT.

[moimeme]

RS

 

Your brain is just a hunk of meat. It runs on chemicals just like the rest of your body. Sometimes, the chemicals that run it get screwed up. Researchers figured out how to make chemicals similar to the ones your body makes to put your brain back on track.

 

There is nothing evil or sinister or anything else about this. It's just biology and chemistry.

[Bronzepen]

In the state your mind is in right now, you probably shouldn't be dating anyone. You've tried the helping yourself routine but that hasn't cured you. Try the doctors and pills. Doesn't make you look weak nor will others look down on you.

 

As long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.....don't knock it till you try it.

[tattoomytoe]

- i totally felt that way when i was made to start anti depressants and forced to see doc...all you have to do is lie to them, they aren't going to make you talk, in fact they usually won't keep patients that don't want help, why bother.

and ssri's will not magically cure you. i was always worried that taking them would cure me...and i was much more content to self loathe and not really live, i was used to it, it was "comfortable". i could keep people away with my anger and self hatred. Those bad vibes can really be picked up on, and nobody can help get you out but YOU.

have you thought about moving? not that it will cure the problems...but it will get you into a different environment, maybe a more supportive one...or one not so supportive of your actions right now. getting out of my home was imperative to my situation as my family only agrivatted it, plus families will put up with alot more sh*t thjan a roommate, or housemate, so that could be an option.

i don't want to say that all you need is drugs and docs, but if you are willing to try it, which it sounds like NO, then it may help.

this too- i thought right after highschool until i turned about 23, life for the most part sucked....and some of my friends agree that those were wierd transition years, (especially since i really didn't go to school, well i did but i hated it)...and you are trying to figure out who you are and what you want in life, what is your purpose....i would always compare myself to other, usually more successful peers and totally resent that they new where they were headed. but things have gotten better, i have met a lot of people, and have grown as a person.

so hopefully it something that you may grow out of.