He's back home...and I'm having a really bad day.

[radrluv72]

Those of you who have seen my posts know my story. My ex of the last 7 months, who I was crazy in love with, and who I thought was equally crazy about me, abruptly dumped me 2 days before he deployed. No argument, no red flags, no nothing. During the "dump", the man that I loved was seemingly sucked our of his own body as replaced by a cold, emotionless, unfeeling alien, refusing to explain to me while all of a sudden he saw not future for us. I tried for 3 weeks after he deployed to be friends, but it just hurt too much...my man I'd come to love was in full-on soldier mode. And when I tried one more to time to get him to help me understand, he pushed me further away. Having had enough of the sudden wall he'd thrown up in front of me, I lashed out--tore into his manhood, ripped him from head to toe. He defriended me on FB, wouldn't reply to any of the 2 messages that I sent him afterwards. I sent the gifts he gave me back to him overseas on 12/31/10, along with a handwritten letter telling him that I loved him & probably always would. I implemented NC that day, and have made no attempts to contact him since. And ever since then, I feel like I've been a shell of myself...lost in limbo with nothing but a broken heart, and a silent, daily plea that maybe someday, the love that I still had for him would not have been a wasted thing.

 

I thought that after over 6 months of NC, I had finally gotten back to feeling like myself again. I've not dated, even though there has been the occassional mild flirtation here and there, but my ex is always there in some way...either as a quiet whisper in the back of my mind, or the heavy ache in my heart. I've been careful not to hold onto hope. I keep telling myself, he left me, even when I told him that I would wait for him while he was gone. And he told me to move on. He broke my heart. And I was really, seriously, almost okay. Until this weekend.

 

I got confirmation, after a few bad guesses, that my ex was on a plane home from Afghanistan Thursday night, and he arrived back in the States Saturday morning. He came home to Omaha sometime later that day. My brain has been all over the place, thinking of everything that happened when he broken up with me, everything I said to him when I tore into him 3 weeks later, and everything that I've been going through during the 7 months he's been away...mostly the pain of losing him. It's almost like it just all happened yesterday...me standing at the top of the stairs from his front door, in his arms, crying my eyes out into his shoulder, listening to him tell me how much he was going to miss me...the last time I heard even an inkling of a lump in his throat. I still remember seeing the look on his face as I stormed out of the house, angry that he'd done this to us for no reason...he stood in his front door, watching me until I had backed out of the drive, into the street and put the car in drive...he never moved. Not once.

 

Back in April, I met with an old work colleague of mine who I told my story to. She was dead-set convinced that when my ex would return home from his deployment, that he was going to get in contact with me...which frankly, I disagreed with. The things he'd said to me 3 weeks after the split had me convinced that he's totally severed any feelings he had towards me whatsoever...or at least that was what he wanted me to think. After that luncheon, I pretty much put the notion of it out of my head.

 

When I knew for sure on Saturday that he'd come home, I started thinking about my friend just being so sure that he was going to contact me...but I couldn't remember why. So I popped her a quick e-mail and told her what was going on and asked her to tell me why she was so sure about her hunch. Her reply was, "because that is how men are...they all come crawling back...and I think he did not want to be attached while deployed in case something happened...give him a few days."

 

I almost wish now that I hadn't asked her to remind me why she thought he'd reach out to me...because at that moment, going over everything that happened with him, everything that I said and did...I thought, could she be right? Did he actually break up with me the way that he did because he was trying to protect me if something happened? Oh my god...what did I do.

 

It seems possible, but just doesn't seem real. I have no doubt in my head or my heart that my ex cared about me...crazy about me, like I said. He had doted on me, wooed me, told me every day that we couldn't see eachother that he missed me, talked about taking me to Portland to meet his friends & family, introduced me to his best friends here, wanted to know if my family knew about him...he always talked about things we would do in the future. Then that night happened...all of a sudden, he said he saw no romantic future for us, and none of it made any sense. But I always felt like there was something he was keeping from me...especially in the converastion we had 3 weeks later when he was overseas. He was so guarded, and his explanation behind the breakup still not making any sense...and when I tried to press him on it, he'd get defensive. He just kept telling me that he thought I would be happier if I moved on, and hat he would do whatever it took to get me through this...push, push, push. No emotion, no discussion. Just a big, solid, cold wall. But something was just off.

 

So, I did some digging this weekend, trying to find other people's stories on sudden pre-deployment breakups. Yes, I know some younger military guys break up with their girlfriends before leaving because they either want to be unfettered & do as they will, or they don't want to deal with the drama of being cheated on. But there also seems to be some breakups that occur to "protect" the person being left behind. "Protect" in the sense that if your loved one is killed overseas, that you don't become "that person"...a widow, or just someone rocked over that person's death. They cut the ties with you to keep you from being hurt over losing them in war.

 

My ex was not a cheater, or even close to being a womanizer. He was a true romantic, in every sense of the word. He was the self-professed sucker for a "damsel in distress". He is also the son of a retired career military man. After all these months of wracking my brain, trying to make sense of why he ended things the way he did--commitment-phobia. he didn't trust me to stay faithful, he thought I was too good to be true, he didn't understand how he felt about me--the notion that maybe this is the reason he did what he did, just completely destoys me. Because all I can think about are the terrible things I said to him, and what a massive mistake I may have made...and that I may have truly lost him forever when all he was trying to do was protect me.

 

In a sense, I should be furious. He had no right to make that decision for me. I would have rather lost in in a plane crash while he was doing his duty, knowing that he loved me just as much as I loved him, then have been devastated in suddenly being rejected with no real cause or explanation like I was. But 7 months later, I love him still as much as I did back then. I've never stopped wanting him back. I can forgive him for all of it...but I'm so scared that my actions after that fact, the things I said...he'll never return to me.

 

He's only been home 2 full days...not anywhere near enough time to get readjusted to home. But my head is just everywhere...scared that I'm not even a thought in his head or a wish in his heart...all because of what I said. I wish so much I could reach out to him, to tell him that I'm glad he's home safe, but he probably doesn't want to hear from me after everything I said all those months ago.

 

I'm so lost again...I can't stop crying. I know that everything happens for a reason...but this is all like one, big sick joke. And I just can't take it anymore.

[0hpenelope]

How are you feeling today?

I know that everything happens for a reason.

I think I'm one of the few that actually doesn't subscribe to this idea, but to each his own. The way that I remember this is "Things happen for a reason," but I shorten it to "Things happen." I associate reason with logic and logic with data; data's factual, but the interpretation of data's subjective. Even my counselor uses the whole "things happened for a reason," "you were given a gift by him breaking up with you," etc. It's nice to be reminded that I have other perspectives that I can take into account, but it doesn't mean that I absolutely have to apply all of them to my own situation. I look for what works for me. I want to emphasize that this is my experience and not inclusive of anyone at all that I've ever encountered in LS and in my life.

 

If how you're coping hurts you, you can always change what you're doing, you know? It's really hard when we miss our exes, but between forcing ourselves on someone who doesn't want us vs. maintaining our distance because they don't want us, I'll definitely choose the latter. I think you've been strong so far, in spite of how hurt you're feeling.

 

It's hard to know with these things. It's really hard. I think it's healthy to treat the break up with a finality like you have, but even that finality's making you really sad. I feel for you, I do. You're scared that you've not crossed his mind at all? I probably haven't been for my ex either, but I'm still living my life and moving on. So are you.

...but I'm so scared that my actions after that fact, the things I said...he'll never return to me.

I'd like to direct your attention here and here. I don't advocate false hope; I think hope is just hope, no more true, substantiated, or false. In looking at those situations, I know you know better than to try to "own" those experiences as if they will happen to you. From what I learned about personal relationships, I now know much, much better than to attach "always" and "never" with people. The accounts in those threads are just a few examples of how we really don't know.

 

We do have to move on from hurtful things though, and I think you are. We can only move on, there's no other way. It's so unnatural to feel that kind of pain and hurt that being separated brings. Your healing's just not going in a way that you were hoping it to, is that it?

 

I really do hope you're feeling better today.

Edited July 7, 2011 by 0hpenelope

[bdoggle]

I know exactly how you feel. I was also dumped at the peak of romance with no explanation about 7 mos ago...Its maddening!

[radrluv72]

How are you feeling today?

I think I'm one of the few that actually doesn't subscribe to this idea, but to each his own. The way that I remember this is "Things happen for a reason," but I shorten it to "Things happen." I associate reason with logic and logic with data; data's factual, but the interpretation of data's subjective. Even my counselor uses the whole "things happened for a reason," "you were given a gift by him breaking up with you," etc. It's nice to be reminded that I have other perspectives that I can take into account, but it doesn't mean that I absolutely have to apply all of them to my own situation. I look for what works for me. I want to emphasize that this is my experience and not inclusive of anyone at all that I've ever encountered in LS and in my life.

 

If how you're coping hurts you, you can always change what you're doing, you know? It's really hard when we miss our exes, but between forcing ourselves on someone who doesn't want us vs. maintaining our distance because they don't want us, I'll definitely choose the latter. I think you've been strong so far, in spite of how hurt you're feeling.

 

It's hard to know with these things. It's really hard. I think it's healthy to treat the break up with a finality like you have, but even that finality's making you really sad. I feel for you, I do. You're scared that you've not crossed his mind at all? I probably haven't been for my ex either, but I'm still living my life and moving on. So are you.

I'd like to direct your attention here and here. I don't advocate false hope; I think hope is just hope, no more true, substantiated, or false. In looking at those situations, I know you know better than to try to "own" those experiences as if they will happen to you. From what I learned about personal relationships, I now know much, much better than to attach "always" and "never" with people. The accounts in those threads are just a few examples of how we really don't know.

 

We do have to move on from hurtful things though, and I think you are. We can only move on, there's no other way. It's so unnatural to feel that kind of pain and hurt that being separated brings. Your healing's just not going in a way that you were hoping it to, is that it?

 

I really do hope you're feeling better today.

 

Well, I actually am feeling better since I posted this a few days ago...my ex having returned home during a long weekend while I had too much time on my hands just made it feel like the whole breakup had just happened all over again. Instead of trying to enjoy my holiday, I just cried all day Sunday & Monday. Getting back to work on Tuesday was a welcome relief.

 

Funny thing after I wrote this, on the same website that I found this "theory" on younger military men breaking up with their signifigant others prior to deployment to "protect" them in case they were killed in action...I found another posting that was so dangerously close to my own predicament that I almost could have written it myself. A young couple perfectly happy, he's introduced her to friends & taken her to military functions, ect...right before he deploys, he tells her that he didn't want to continue on with the relationship, that he cared about her & that she wa wonderful, but he didn't think they'd date again when he came home. And like me, she was totally stunned because it came from out of nowhere. The responses her predicament urged her to continue writing to him but not to pressure him about the relationship (apparently he wanted to stay in contact), because it all had to do with a common thing that happens with military personnel going through a period of sudden confusion & emotionally detaching from the people they care about the most just prior to going overseas. I had read about this before when my ex broke up with me two days before he left. During those first 3 weeks he was gone, I really tried...but I just couldn't take him being so emotionally detatched from me because it just hurt so much. The blow-up happened, he didn't retaliate but de-friended me off FB...there you have it. I've been miserable ever since.

 

I don't advocate false hope either, but I really appreciate you directing me to both postings, especially that first one. It's been my own personal experiences that exes that I had close emotional attachments to in the past did eventually find their way back at some point, and I had moved on from both of them. The first one was completely unhealthy to begin with and his cheating on me was probably a blessing in disguise, and the other, I just grew tired of his crap. But this one...well, so much more different than all the others in the past. This was the first relationship that I'd ever had where I was genuinely happy...the first time he told me "I don't want to lose you, you make me happy", I cried out of sheer joy. And then two weeks later, he dropped the bomb on me.

 

I have mixed feelings about how I blew up into him. I know I tore into him, but at the same token, he had to have known it was coming, which I'm guessing may be the reason he didn't respond back. In the letter that I sent to him at the end of that week when I sent his gifts back to him, I told him that when I tore into him, I was faced with a choice--either continuing to wake up miserable every day or finally stand up for myself...and that I chose me because I had to. And I still hold true to that. Getting angry was probably just the next eventual step that I needed to take in dealing with what he'd done...otherwise during all these months that have passed, I just feel like my "light" got shut off.

 

My feelings for him have never changed, despite everything...still love him, still want him back in my life. At this point he hasn't been back home for a full week yet, and I know that after almost 7 months of being gone, getting settled back into his old life here isn't an overnight thing. I have no way of knowing what he may or may not do when it comes to me...I'd like to think that if and when he thinks of me, now that he's home, he's remembering all the good things...and there were so many of them. But what I question is if he ponders the idea of getting back in touch with me, does remembering how badly he hurt me make him too scared to make the attempt. I mean, how do you come back from that? He's got to know that if he tried, I'd demand honesty...there's no way I'd let him back without sitting down & having a real honest talk about what was going on with him, even if he's not sure himself. And I don't know that he's mature enough to deal with it. But at the same token, when someone knows that they've hurt you that badly, when they take a deep breath and pick up the phone or show up at your doorstep because they give a damn that they hurt you in then first place...well, that speaks volumes. Knowing my ex like I do, I know that he knows how much this wrecked me. I could see it in his face as I left his house the morning he ended it...he stood in the doorway, watching me as I got into my jeep, crying my eyes out with this look on his face, and he never moved, even when I drove off. He knew. And I know he cared about me just as much as I cared about him.

 

So as I get adjusted to the idea of him being home, I'm really trying hard to not think about him or be anxious as to if my phone is going to ring. I'm going to act as if it's just not going to happen and try to throw myself as deep into my job & my friends as I possibly can. A couple of friends have suggested that maybe I try to contact him after a couple of weeks of him being home, but I disagree. I implemented NC, I'm sticking with it, because he left me, not vice versa. I need to quit finding ways to blame myself, and that starts with not doing anymore searching online for stories that are similar to my own, looking for an "answer"...it's wasted tears & energy. I fully understand that this was not a "typical" breakup situation...I almost kind of wish that it was a rule that before dating someone in the military, you're to be given a handbook or how much more differently dating someone with this career choice could differ from someone with a 9 to 5 job.

 

My gut tells me that sooner or later, this will take care of itself, and that I just need to stop pushing myself & blaming myself...yes, I do believe things comes full circle, I believe in karma, I believe what goes around comes around...you just can't force it. But I also think that maybe sometimes it doesn't hurt to lend some blind faith in true love and let things take their course. Call it sappy & a little naive, but that's just how I feel right now.

[bdoggle]

So how 'bout an update

[C00LKATES]

Yes, so may we have an update?

 

By the way, the same thing happened to me. Very similar. I'll tell you about it in an e-mail. I feel for you. I promise I do. Military breakups are so hard because it's like they really died over there. Especially if you don't see them you know?

 

Well--please let us all know what happened.