BraveGirl Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 I have loved my boyfriend of 2 years constantly, perhaps too much? And he knows it. We finally had our last break up a week ago, and he has completely shut the door. I know I have to not contact him and that seems to be the Golden Rule. But the fact is, one week down, I cant envisage not talking again. I so want to call him, sometimes to talk about Us, sometimes about silly little things, the sort of things you are used to talking about, just what happened in the day. But how do you not talk, how do you move on? I can't. I'm worried I'm obsessed, and in that case he is right not to want to see me. The fact is, I miss him, and I'm pretty sure he misses me, why do we have to have no contact? Some people cope by having no contact, some people need to talk. What is the answer? Link to post Share on other sites
Girlinterrupted Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 I broke up my 3yr relationship about a week ago too and I must say that the best help has come from talking. Wait! NOT with him, more like with my freinds and family and anyone else that would listen. I've surrounded my self with my freinds and try not too spend too much time alone. I've kept my mind distracted and I try to go out more. In fact I found this web site during the first few days in attempt to stay busy and get advice. So yeah, do not call him, call anyone else instead. At first it's real hard cause nothing feels as good as being/talking with him but you have to just keep busy and accept reality. Say to your self that it's over believe and accept it then start planning your future w/out him. Think about your interest, who you are w/out him. Your interest, hobbies ect. things you can dedicate more time to now that you are free. Pamper your self, pedicure, manicure...get your hair done. Hang out with ther girls, get back to being you. Oh and don't worry It's perfectly normal to feel sort of obsessed, it's hard...but remember yourself and that he is not worrying about you so you have to worry about your self. Good luck. My favorite saying through out this time was "la cura es mas cara que la enfermedad" that's in spanish, translated it's: "the cure is worst than the sickness" Link to post Share on other sites
BraveGirl Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Thanks for encouragement, Girlinterrupted. You sound very determined! The trouble is, nothing feels as good as it is with him, and everything reminds me of him. I spent today in town with a girl friend, and feel bad for her as everything we did I would raher have done with him. Buying clothes, pampering etc. seem pontless. It is something he adored and was very bossy about, so that I associate even buying a jumper with him! It IS boring for friends too. Also, How does one know he does not care about you? I think he does, in fact am pretty damn sure he does. What I don't understand is if you both care about each other, why can't you talk? Link to post Share on other sites
Girlinterrupted Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 I never implied he didn't care I simply said that he is probably not worrying about you during time and there is nothing wrong with that. I used to get mad becasue I saw my X was doing good and seemed uneffected by the situation but I heard that he did from freinds and stuff. I don't doubt that you both care very much about each other but men hide that well. I understand you point of "why not talk if you both care so much" but truth is that it is simply not healthy to talk to someone who you have to get over. He knows this, that's why he shut the door, you have to realize this too. It's real hard to go from being lovers to being freinds and if it does work out that way it's not emmidiate, give him time and your self too. Like I said, I know things don't seem as good w/ out him but you have to get out of that state and remember you where alone before you met him so you can make it w/out him! When I first broke up w/ mines I thought I was going to ball up and die, I didn't even know what to do w/ my self. I was like o.m.g I have no life w/out him but then I started making one! I realized that I was good enough w/ out him too! Link to post Share on other sites
Girlinterrupted Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 oops. Link to post Share on other sites
imjustagirl Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 That'd be great in my case, but we both work in the same facility...right down the hall from one another. Neither one of us has plans to move to another facility or get another job any time soon....guess that teaches me not to date anyone in the same working establishment as your own. Btw...we're "trying" to be friends...and it's definatley not immediate...but then, it's only been a few days..le-sigh... ~justa~ Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 There's no damn way after 2 years to just be friends like THAT <snap of a finger>. Maybe sometimes the other person can just shut down completely and not care. It's easier to understand than to think the person is missing you and in pain but doesn't contact you or want to see you or anything. THAT makes no sense to me at all. Link to post Share on other sites
BraveGirl Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 I suppose that's part of the agony. You believe, because of past and recent conversations (pre break up ones) that he cares and misses you too. But you need to know whether he does or doesn't. You want him to let you know either way, instead of just saying we cannot talk or see each other anymore. Why not be nice about it and honest? Link to post Share on other sites
imjustagirl Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 I got the..."lets be friends for now...and if our friendship moves in the direction it was going last week, then that's the way it was supposed to be in the first place." He called me last night to let me know he wasn't coming over as planned, but will be over right after work today...we'll see. Plus so far, he's sent me an email everyday with just joke crap...which still means, that he thinks of me enough to go....hey she'll like this. It was his idea to do the "friend" thing for now and see where things head. I wanted to drop down from boyfriend/girlfriend/two people living together to dating..but he said friends was best for now and we'd see where things went. He wants to go do something later this weekend, but after the week I've had, not sure i'm going too. I know I should, just to let him know that, yes, I do want to try this friend thing...because after having a week to think about it...maybe we really didn't know each other that well for 9 months....today ;( We'll see... ~justa~ Link to post Share on other sites
Girlinterrupted Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 It's all part of letting go. You can't expect him to still tell you his feelings, he doesn't have to anymore. I'm sure he misses you and I'm sure he feel bad too but he is aware that it has to be this way. It is worst if you talk, it would confuse and prolong things....it's best to just try to give each other space and time.... Link to post Share on other sites
imjustagirl Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 He's the one that put me on "hold"....he's one confused guy. People in both of our offices, and both of our family's were pushing us to get married...it's only normal for a guy...expecially mine to go..."uum, wait...is this what I really want" Granted I don't like being kept "on the side" just in case...but I'd rather be here than not in his life at all. I would have agree'd with you on your statement of needing your own time and space to get over it as with my last relationship ended...and we did just that. This one...it's different....I can't explain it....in my heart...and his...it just is ~justa~ Link to post Share on other sites
Girlinterrupted Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Confused..... ImJustAgirl and BraveGirl.....who is who? I was talking to Bravegirl, where did Imjustagirl come from? Link to post Share on other sites
imjustagirl Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Sorry...thought it was a community forum...just putting my 2 cents in. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlinterrupted Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Oh no problem , I just got confused it's no problem I just started to feel like I didn't know the whole scenerio and didn't want to give the wrong advice. Your right your situation is different being that you work together, that's even harder. Link to post Share on other sites
BraveGirl Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 I'm here again! Doing everything I can not to send him a friendly message about small things. I still find that hard to understand despite what everyone says. One thing - blokes can say that it really drives them mad, ie. you have to listen to only their needs. Should they not also think about our needs and feelings and be civil. Sending small messages because you know it would interest them seems fine, or not? I suppose what I keep saying is they make it so hard by not even giving you an inkling of things, such as saying 'I like hearing from you but please don't as it upsets me, or I really don't want to hear from you full stop'. Is it a girl/bloke thing? That girls tend to want to put their arms around a problem and make it better, and blokes can walk away from hurt......????..... Link to post Share on other sites
GIZMO Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 Hey there, I am currently working with my ex faience and we were together for 7 years.. I know its hard not to talk to your ex, but I am telling you from my past expirecne to walk away.. Try not to talk to him so much, if you do, deep in your heart you see hope and then you don't want to move ahead in your life. As people have said in the past posts here go and do things for yourself. Go to a spa, go get some good dinners, go shopping, do things for you. Make yourself happy again. People tell me all of the time that I lived once before with out my ex and I can do it again now.. And so can you.. If you and him were meant to be together then wait and see what happeneds in the future... But right now, you need to get up and do for you! You no longer need to worry about him. I understand when you go shopping you want to buy him nice things like you used to, but.. save your money and buy yourself something nice.. Being single can become scary, but.. you will be just fine.. You will get to know yourself a lot better.. The more you talk to your ex the more it will hurt you and the longer you will be sad.. Trust me.. When you see him at work, be nice and just say hello and keep walking.. But.. don't talk to him about yourday, don't e-mail him, don't call him.. If he really loves you, and he really wants to marry you, then let him come to you.. I am sure you spilt your heart out to this man already, so he knows how you feel.. See what happeneds now, move foward with you and if things work out in the future for you both great and if not.. well then I am sure you will find someone else that will complete you even more.. Remember this.. if you and him worked things out together right now.. would you really trust him? Don't you think that you would always wounder if you were to come home from from work or whatever that he may break up with you again?? He broke your heart once and he can do it again.. You can not always use your heart, you also have to use your mind.. I hope this makes sense to you.. You will get through this pain and you will be able to have a real smile, take one day at a time. If anything look on a calender and say I am not going to call him for 1 month and even if you have to mark your calender for the count down do it.. Link to post Share on other sites
dkoala Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 Is it a girl/bloke thing? That girls tend to want to put their arms around a problem and make it better, and blokes can walk away from hurt......????..... BraveGirl, I don't think it's a girl/bloke thing -- I'm a guy and I felt the same things you're feeling right now. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 4.5 years. Her actions ended the relationship, but I still wanted to patch things up. She wasn't interested in fixing the problem, and she "walked away from hurt." I believe that anyone that's been rejected (for a lack of a better word), wants things as they were before because then they wouldn't have to remember that they've been tossed away. At least, I know that's how I felt. When I went back to doing things with my friends without her, everything seemed so flat. After a while, that fog lifted and I began to have fun again and enjoy myself. <beats dead horse> You just have to keep moving on. The more you do things you enjoy, and get out and meet new people, the less time you'll have to think about him. Believe me, for the past month, I've kept myself busy every night and weekend and it hurts less with each day. :-) Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
BraveGirl Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 Thanks for so much kind support everyone. Somehow it is consoling to see that there are people out there going through similar feelings. I am struck by the strength all of you have to get busy and go out. What I find is that the phone suddenly stops ringing as if people can sense what is happening. This has been going on a while so my friends must be very sick of it, and also people have their own problems, marriages etc. to deal with. I found that I saw less of my friends with my boyfriend- he often didn't want to. We talked about it and thought at our age (mid thirties) it was something that happened - you began to want to spend more quiet times with someone particular rather than going around town endlessly like when you're younger. I used to think 'smug boring couples', but there comes a time when that actually feels quite nice. Do you know what I mean? I can't get over the feeling that I would rather be with him, at home, or going to a movie and cookng dinner, than out partying. And all the memories of times like those are so so painful. I just want to pick up the phone and pick them up again. I know that both he and I are sitting alone feeling very sad and lost and it seems stupid when we could be enjoying things together. Again - why can I not just send a short friendly message to him? Link to post Share on other sites
OucHmyHearT Posted November 1, 2003 Share Posted November 1, 2003 GIZMO - reading your post REALLY helped....I am in a similar situation to everyone else on the post here...but kind of reversed..because it was my girlfriend that broke up with me....its been 3 months since the breakup. We were going out for 3 years and also very much in love...it keeps coming back to me...if we were both in love with eachother why cant we talk? why cant we be together....it definatly sucks!....but GIZMO's words really helped...read it! thanks gizmo. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted November 2, 2003 Share Posted November 2, 2003 You can move on! Two years is a long time to be in love with someone, so I'm sure you do miss him and I'm sure he misses you. You say that you want to talk, so talk to friends and family members. Rant, cry, shout; just let it all out, but don't talk to him. And if you feel you need to, give yourself some more time to heal. I know he is still fresh in your mind, but try and hold out for a little longer. Link to post Share on other sites
BraveGirl Posted November 2, 2003 Share Posted November 2, 2003 I'm holding out, but it feels just that. Like if I can go X days/ weeks then will I be rewarded by being able to contact him at last. I know that's not what I'm supposed to think, but can't help feeeling it that way. (I did 'forget' and send a short text this am about a radio programme, but v impersonal). So worried that he is not thinking about me. So want him to begin to think he has made a mistake. I live in hope, can't get rid of the hope, that hopefully he is missing me as much as I miss him. Not knowing is unbearable. In a way, if you knew from him or someone else that he was glad not to see you, at least you could begin to put it behind you. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted November 2, 2003 Share Posted November 2, 2003 Why are you worried about how or what he is feeling? What about your feelings? You are feeling this way now, but time heals all. He probably is thinking of you. You broke up only a week ago, so I'm sure that you are still fresh in his mind. If you keep continuing to behave like this, you are only gonna hurt yourself. You're hanging on too tight, brave girl. Shouldn't breaking up for the last time be all the closure that you need? Some people are able to cope better with not seeing or hearing from the ex's. Out of site, out of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
GIZMO Posted November 3, 2003 Share Posted November 3, 2003 Stay away from your ex.. Read some books go out and do things for you.. If he really loves you and wants you back he will let you know it.. You are strong and you will get through this, I promise you will. I know its hard.. but you really need to try and move ahead in your life.. Maybe plan a trip with a bunch of girls and just get away, try and give your heart and your brain a break.. You will get though this, well all have... I promise.. Every-time you want to call him, and you do not want to call and talk to someone, then rather then calling him, send us all a post and we will all be here for you.. After all, we all found this website because we were all heart broken as well... We are all here for you... Link to post Share on other sites
BraveGirl Posted November 3, 2003 Share Posted November 3, 2003 2 weeks tomorrow since he called to say it's all over, our last talk. Feel it's getting a tiny bit better, ie. not crying endlessly and feel calmer. But I can't help feeling that at some point it will still get better ie. Him and me. I admit I still have hope and that that is what is probably making me feel better. I think I am coping better now because I am being good, doing the right thing by not contacting him and working out my life. And that hopefully he is missing me and will eventually come back. I have moments of remembering the bad things as we were all saying in another post. Lying in bed last night I even felt fine about that fact he was out of my life. But it doesn't last! Every other time this has happened with us before he has come back, so I guess I still hope he will again. I honestly can't imagine that not happening. But I am still trying to get on with my life, rethinking my career, so that whether he comes back or not I will be stronger anyway. But a bit of me acknowledges that I am doing that for him, not for me, so that he will want to come back. Oh dear, does this make sense to you? Link to post Share on other sites
shopgrl Posted November 3, 2003 Share Posted November 3, 2003 Bravegirl -everything in your last post totally makes sense to me and describes exactly how I have been feeling since my ex and I split about one month ago. I've been doing the same things--rethinking my life, my career, ect.... to better myself, in hopes of getting back together with him (if that makes sense). Some days, I would think-- screw him, I'm better off without him-- but that thought was short lived. Because then I'd realize that I'm not better off without him. I mean, I was able to go out and have fun with my friends, and act like I was "moving on" but deep inside I wasn't. I guess I could live without him if I had to but my life would be so much more enjoyable with him in it. I'm glad we broke up though (as twisted as that sounds) because it opened my eyes to what went wrong in our relationship and what we need to work on if there we want there to be an "us" The only way I've been managing to get through all the hurt, anger and pain is with hope, hope that he was missing me, hope that he'd realize we'd made a mistake and hope that we'd get back together. Spending time with family and friends and getting to know myself better has also helped. This weekend I ran into him. We talked, talked about everything. It was great. We decided to try again but to take it slow. I'm happy yet scared because I don't want to end up breaking up again and reliving all this pain. To me though, it's worth it because I truly truly love this man and want to spend the rest of my life with him. Sorry this turned into such a long post. I think the feelings that you are having are normal, especially so soon after a break up. Gizmo suggested reading books and doing things for yourself and I totally agree. Read books about love and life. It helped me. Go out, have a good time, or at least pretend you are, who knows you may end up fooling yourself some nights (I did)! Good luck. Take it one day at time. Everything will work out for the best... it always does... Link to post Share on other sites
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