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9 months since split, doing great...now feeling really down?!


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

 
 
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Old 15th May 2011, 2:50 PM   #1
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9 months since split, doing great...now feeling really down?!

Dare I even say it, missing my ex?!
So split 9 months ago, it's been a rough ride. I guess a little part of me though we'd sort it out. We were always so perfect and had so much going for us. I don't know why so much has been thrown away over something that so easily fixed.
Anyway, we remained friends but I broke it off to help me move on. In the last month or so I have started to move on quite dramatically. I started to not find my ex attractive and in some cases quite annoying!
I even managed to find a guy of interest who seems interested back. We've text a little but not much else although we're in the processing of arranging to meet up (he doesn't live near me).
However, the last week or so I've been feeling quite down. There was a lack of contact with this other bloke which upset me a little. I'm working long hours and having to juggle being a single mum. Work is stressful and not enjoyable and I'm finding things are just getting on top of me.
I've started to feel pangs of missing my ex and then that awful sinking feeling when I remind myself that it's actually completely over!
I just want to be happy and everytime I feel like I'm moving on, something pops up to knock me down again. I'm scared to love again or feel happy or excited because I know how awful this feeling is and I just can't seem to stay happy for long
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Old 16th May 2011, 3:07 AM   #2
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You've met someone new, someone who could possibly be a new lover, this in turn has reminded you of your ex and brought back those memories and feelings. I really know exactly how you feel here as I've been there.

Was about a year after a break up and I met someone. She was the total opposite of my ex but simply due to the fact I was heading towards dating again, it made me think about the ex and in turn, led to those feelings I thought were long buried. It was like due to the fact I was with someone new, my heart was telling me that yes your ex has definitely gone forever. Even though I already knew she had, it was a kick up the rear to remind me of it. I wasn't comparing the new girl to my ex, it was more I was realising that I was totally moved on.

Hard to explain really. See it like moving house, say from a family home, where you grew up. You finally leave your parents and get your own place. The second you walk through the door there's that realisation that your family home is gone. Like that part of your life is totally over for good, and here's the next chapter.

So what's happening to you here is that this possibility of a new person in your life is simply reminding you of the ex and giving you those final few memories to digest before they're gone for good. Almost like you've had a loved one die and then you've met someone new - you're totally moving on and these memories are your final goodbye to that part of your past.

Hope I've explained that well enough.
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Old 19th May 2011, 4:45 PM   #3
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Thanks for the advice! It was very nicely put and I can see now that you're right. It is probably because things are new and especially DIFFERENT. I can see that things (obviously) aren't the same with the new guy as with my ex.
The only problem is is that I don't think it's as good and all I have found myself doing is thinking about my ex and missing him!
Don't get me wrong, this new guy is a great person and really funny. I could definitely see things developing or perhaps anyway. My friends/family think I haven't given him a proper chance but I just find myself comparing without even thinking.
I'm feeling even worse over the last couple of days. This is going to sound ridiculous but I'm a bit of a worrier and have started getting quite worked up over these 21st May Doomsday articles. That coupled with long hours at work and caring for a baby alone as really made me slump.
My ex has been contacting me a lot. He is going threw a rough patch at work and I know I offer him some stability. I have, in the past, tried to cut this kind of contact but we have a child and I find that whenever I see him in the handover I end up being friendly with him again. We are very chatty at the moment and are getting along great as friends (although he has made from sexy comments).
I don't feel like I love him as much anymore or even really want him back. I think I miss what we used to have. I had PND after having our son and was probably a nightmare to be around. I was grumpy, unenergetic and I lost my spark. My spark is back now and I know that if we were together again then things were be great. Or at least that's what I believe.
He just never gave it a chance I guess...
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Old 23rd May 2011, 2:32 AM   #4
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Ok, I'm getting worse. I'm feeling really really down! I'm missing my ex badly but then think about something that has happened. I'm feeling bitter towards his family for putting me through so much rubbish. I hate them for what they did to my family and resent handing my son over to them. I allow him to go as I think he has a right to his grandparents. But I do hate them and am battling with myself about how I feel towards them.
I miss my ex but then hate them. I'm all confused about how I feel. We are going through a legal issue at the moment and once it is over it is the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. He has removed photos of me and I feel like he is just wiping me out of his life completely.
I just feel really down. I can't stop crying and feel really lonely
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Old 23rd May 2011, 6:19 AM   #5
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Because of your situation you've never really gone no contact have you? So you've never really begun to heal. Sadly when kids are involved it's often not the case that you can even consider no contact. You have to find other ways to heal.

I wish I had the advice to give but I'm afraid this is not my area. Take a look at some other threads that deal with the same thing as there are plenty out there dealing with similar issues and concerns.

All I can really say is that the emotions you're going through are no different to what we all go through at these times and because of that you're not alone. You will feel terrible one day, fine the next. You'll feel like it's a never ending roller coaster, but it does end eventually. Sadly there is no set period of time for someone to heal, we just heal. One day you realise that you no longer have that emotional bond. You don't recal exactly when you the feelings went, you just realise they have.
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