Bad Decision

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Even after all the excellent advice from the people on here, I screwed up. Bad. I'm just a mess, and I have no idea what to do.

 

I've tried the NC thing several times. I feel bad for changing my mind on him so often even though he's the one who broke up with me. I keep telling him I want to talk to him, and then I tell him I don't...I feel so pathetic for it.

 

We were together for 4 years. We broke up 5 weeks ago....and I feel like I've barely made any progress since then.

 

I love him. He tells me he doesn't want to be with anyone else. He just needs his space. I don't want anyone else. I want him.

 

I was doing kind of okay alone for a little while. Then someone asked me out on a date. I'm not anywhere near ready for that, and like I said, I really don't want to be with anyone else.

 

I'm extremely lonely now. We were living together, and I was so happy. I had exactly what I wanted, and I thought he did, too. Then one day, he didn't, and now I'm miserable. I moved across the country for him. My family and all the close friends I have from growing up live hundreds of miles away. I don't have very many people I'm close to here. I had three wonderful friends who started school with me here. They were the closest thing I've had to sisters, but they all moved away. When the last one left, was devastated. He held me while I sobbed and said to me "I promise I'll never leave you." I just can't stop thinking about that. We talked about marriage. He said that no matter what, I was the most important thing in his life. We picked out names for the kids we'd have. We were happy....and then he wasn't. I still don't know why the hell not.

 

I have final exams next week. My only class today was canceled. The few friends I do have are all busy studying this weekend. He always told me that I didn't need to work, that I should concentrate on school, so I don't have that to do either. I couldn't handle the fact that I would be totally alone for the next four days, so I called him and asked him to come over.

 

And...he did. He hugged me the moment he saw me, and told me how much he missed me. We didn't let go for the longest time. We cuddled on the couch, and watched our favorite show together. And we kissed. I was so happy.

 

I guess part of me thought that seeing me would make him want to get back together. If I could just get through the time without crying or pressuring him in some way, he would tell me how much he hated life without me. I think another part of me felt like he somehow "owed" it to me because I didn't go on the date with the other person. Which isn't true. I know that. And Of course it didn't change anything, and now, I feel completely pathetic.

 

I'm so down on myself for the decisions I've made. Not only just today, but for the last several years. I had complete tunnel vision, and I really believed him when he said he'd never leave me. So now I'm in a state I don't really like with very few friends, far away from my family, and living in the apartment he and I had shared. I hate it. I hate what I've done to myself.

 

I felt like I could get through anything when the two of us were together. I felt so secure and happy. Now, I'm just sad and pathetic, curled up on his side of the bed crying and wishing it were a few months ago. Just sad and alone in a place I hate.

 

I just don't know if NC is even the right thing for him and me when we both truly want to be together again, and I do believe that he's telling the truth when he says that. Part of me was skeptical at first, but he promised he wouldn't be cruel enough to tell me that if he didn't really mean it. I guess I have expectations from him that I shouldn't have right now, but I don't know what to do. I just want to do everything right so that I can be happy again. But I can't seem to separate it from being with him. It's hard to reconcile the fact that the advice I get from everyone involves doing the last thing in the world I want to.

 

Nothing in the world even comes close to being with him. Honestly, there's not a single thing that gives me the same joy and happiness. I've been trying...nothing comes close. All I feel is disappointment and lack.

 

I don't like being confused. I don't like being alone. I don't like the way I'm feeling....I seem like a different person. I don't like where I am, but for the next 12 months at least, I can't change it. The one thing I truly want, I can't have.

 

Sorry about all the self pity. I had a few wonderful hours earlier. Part of me feels like it was worth the way I'm feeling now. Part of me doesn't. I guess I just needed to get it out.

 

I just don't know what the hell to do with all this confusion.

[ilovedhim]

Sorry for your pain.

 

I understand you moved out there for him but did you form any friendships. How much longer until your classes are done? Any chance you can move back home?

 

In my opinion you need to face that the relationship is over. If you belonged together you would be. But he broke up with you.

 

Maybe you can do some extra curricular activites or volunteer work to break the cycle?

[Moutonrose]

Even after all the excellent advice from the people on here, I screwed up. Bad. I'm just a mess, and I have no idea what to do.

 

I've tried the NC thing several times. I feel bad for changing my mind on him so often even though he's the one who broke up with me. I keep telling him I want to talk to him, and then I tell him I don't...I feel so pathetic for it.

 

We were together for 4 years. We broke up 5 weeks ago....and I feel like I've barely made any progress since then.

 

I love him. He tells me he doesn't want to be with anyone else. He just needs his space. I don't want anyone else. I want him.

 

I was doing kind of okay alone for a little while. Then someone asked me out on a date. I'm not anywhere near ready for that, and like I said, I really don't want to be with anyone else.

 

I'm extremely lonely now. We were living together, and I was so happy. I had exactly what I wanted, and I thought he did, too. Then one day, he didn't, and now I'm miserable. I moved across the country for him. My family and all the close friends I have from growing up live hundreds of miles away. I don't have very many people I'm close to here. I had three wonderful friends who started school with me here. They were the closest thing I've had to sisters, but they all moved away. When the last one left, was devastated. He held me while I sobbed and said to me "I promise I'll never leave you." I just can't stop thinking about that. We talked about marriage. He said that no matter what, I was the most important thing in his life. We picked out names for the kids we'd have. We were happy....and then he wasn't. I still don't know why the hell not.

 

I have final exams next week. My only class today was canceled. The few friends I do have are all busy studying this weekend. He always told me that I didn't need to work, that I should concentrate on school, so I don't have that to do either. I couldn't handle the fact that I would be totally alone for the next four days, so I called him and asked him to come over.

 

And...he did. He hugged me the moment he saw me, and told me how much he missed me. We didn't let go for the longest time. We cuddled on the couch, and watched our favorite show together. And we kissed. I was so happy.

 

I guess part of me thought that seeing me would make him want to get back together. If I could just get through the time without crying or pressuring him in some way, he would tell me how much he hated life without me. I think another part of me felt like he somehow "owed" it to me because I didn't go on the date with the other person. Which isn't true. I know that. And Of course it didn't change anything, and now, I feel completely pathetic.

 

I'm so down on myself for the decisions I've made. Not only just today, but for the last several years. I had complete tunnel vision, and I really believed him when he said he'd never leave me. So now I'm in a state I don't really like with very few friends, far away from my family, and living in the apartment he and I had shared. I hate it. I hate what I've done to myself.

 

I felt like I could get through anything when the two of us were together. I felt so secure and happy. Now, I'm just sad and pathetic, curled up on his side of the bed crying and wishing it were a few months ago. Just sad and alone in a place I hate.

 

I just don't know if NC is even the right thing for him and me when we both truly want to be together again, and I do believe that he's telling the truth when he says that. Part of me was skeptical at first, but he promised he wouldn't be cruel enough to tell me that if he didn't really mean it. I guess I have expectations from him that I shouldn't have right now, but I don't know what to do. I just want to do everything right so that I can be happy again. But I can't seem to separate it from being with him. It's hard to reconcile the fact that the advice I get from everyone involves doing the last thing in the world I want to.

 

Nothing in the world even comes close to being with him. Honestly, there's not a single thing that gives me the same joy and happiness. I've been trying...nothing comes close. All I feel is disappointment and lack.

 

I don't like being confused. I don't like being alone. I don't like the way I'm feeling....I seem like a different person. I don't like where I am, but for the next 12 months at least, I can't change it. The one thing I truly want, I can't have.

 

Sorry about all the self pity. I had a few wonderful hours earlier. Part of me feels like it was worth the way I'm feeling now. Part of me doesn't. I guess I just needed to get it out.

 

I just don't know what the hell to do with all this confusion.

 

 

hey there Info! don't worry...it's not self pitty it's horrible pain you are feeling...and its normal!!! I am in the same boat sweetie...I was with my bf for 7 years...he decided that the last 2 he would stop loving me and fake it....he also did the same lame promises...a wedding, babies and a house...he too did the '' i promise I will never leave you'' the sad thing is that I beleived him!

 

what you have to understand is that these are promises that can never be kept....we can never look into the future....so we can never know if it's really true...he maybe meant well at that moment but he certainly did not think about it the day he left you!!! you cannot keep seeing him in hopes that you will get back together...you need to try and accept that the relantionship is over...the first few weeks and months are hard....but each day you get stronger and stronger. I am in the same position as you...I am far from everyone and I have no friends! I too moved with him to another city 5 hours away...except we moved for me for the school and job oppatunity for me... he ended up kicking me out and I needed to quit my great job and my school...I am now back at my parents living in the wooods with my dog and my cats and my bipolar father!

 

I know what you mean that you do not want to stay in that apt...I dont blame you, everyhting is going to make you think of him, you are going to feel haunted by his memories and everything....I totaly understand that...something I would do o make the place make you feel more at home is to rearange the place alittle. move the furniture, buy some new decorations! try and make the place feel like YOUR place and not his and yours...get what I mean? the hardest thing for me when I had to move to my parents was to unpack my things....everything and I mean everything smelled like my apartement! I would spend hours sniffing my clothes! no joke! I am now feeling like my dads place is my home...but I still miss our old place...but I do know I could never go back there.

 

right now it feels as if you can never love someone again, but it will come....you need to accept what has happened and learn to live alone again, learn to love yourself again and then you will be able to love someone else....this guy was very wrong to put dreams in your head then run out...my ex did that and even more! and honestly I am happy now that we arnt together....I have this link that will help you realise that too

 

hope this helps!

http://lovesagame.com/wp-content/uploads/downloads/7reasons.pdf

[Moutonrose]

you will see anger will set in soon enough anger is there to prove that you respect yourself and that you know that what he did was not right!

 

it's normal to be confusd too! you trusted this guy and you beleived what he told you because you trusted him!

 

I am here for you

[DontWorryBHappy]

Info, read the link Moutonrose gave you. it's excellent. I COMPLETEY understand the feeling that there is nothing else that gives you such complete joy and happiness as being with your ex. I get that 100% because I have been fighting that EVERY DAY. But you have GOT to start believing that the feeling is false, because it is actually built upon what you BELIEVE in your mind rather than what is TRUE. I can recall moments when I wasn't perfect in my relationship, but then I think to myself, "Hey wait a minute..... *I* was still the one who wanted to keep us together and who never would have walked away. *I* was the one who would have kept us together NO MATTER WHAT... but he couldn't." Really it's as simple as that. He might tell you this and that, but you gotta realize that he chose to leave, and he's being cruel if he's really expecting you to wait around for him. Even worse, you're giving him that impression by letting him come over and acting like a couple with him. I know it feels like your whole world is falling apart, which is why I empathize with you with every fiber inside me. Just believe that you are better than this and try every day to instill that inside of you.

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ilovedhim, Moutonrose, DontworryBHappy -

 

Thank you all so much for the advice. Last night I was in a really, really bad place. I'm feeling somewhat better today, but still nowhere near where I want to be.

 

That link really was excellent. Thanks so much for posting it!

 

I'm trying to keep myself busy here. I do have a few friends, but we're all super busy studying for finals. I'm having a lot of trouble studying...just can't concentrate.

 

Unfortunately, there's no way I can move home for 12 months without adding at least another year to my undergrad degree, which I just can't afford.

 

I know it was a bad decision to make. I knew it while I was doing it. I just needed some other people reminding me of all the bad things acting like that with him right now does. It's not good for either of us.

 

You guys rock, by the way. I'm working to try and stop having these feelings, but you all know, it's hard.

[DontWorryBHappy]

I know it's so hard. Just remember that HE WALKED AWAY. It was all him, you are in the clear. The only thing you should expect yourself to do is try and move on. Free yourself of the constant analyzing of memories... remember that those memories that you perceive as positive were NOT backed up with actions. You have no idea how many times my ex said "I will always stand by you." Blah blah blah, he still walked away and broke a promise that he couldn't ever keep anyway. Lots of people do it. You sound like a strong girl though, even when you have weak moments. You're gonna make it.