otherfish Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 Entering 2 months NC after 2+ years...... As I reflect on the relationship, Yes, we had some really good times and built a life-time of memories...BUT....when I breakdown the relationship I am so unsatisfied with who she really is as a person......and I really dont like her. Deep down I believe that she is a true taker never really giving in life or in our relationship. I disagreed with her parenting and overprotectiveness of her child. We didnt agree politically. We didnt agree religiously. She is the type that trys so hard to make her outside world look so appealing and "on-track" attempting to fool people that she has it together but I know her inside world is a wreck and full of turmoil. She is very insecure, untrusting, unappreciative, and controlling. She posesses a very dominant personality to where there were so many times I wouldn't even defend myself because I knew that she would not listen to my opinions and feelings. I have never in my life met someone who posessed the masterful ablility to twist a situation to benefit her in all my life. I could give examples and details but trying to keep it short cuz I want other LS'ers to read and answer my question above... WHY DO I STILL WANT HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 Simple because you're still emotionally bonded to her. You may not be in love with her, but you definitely do still love her. No shame in that, not after 2 years. Yes she could be the worse person on the planet, but once you've fallen for someone, it's hard to get away from that. I too can look back at a previous ex from years ago and note the same faults and problems, but now that the emotional bond has been broken I can safely say I do not want her. Eventually you'll get there to but it takes time. 2 months is really nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author otherfish Posted May 4, 2011 Author Share Posted May 4, 2011 Tks, for your reply, Smudge. I really am losing my faith in myself and women. I just cant figure out why I stayed in this relationship as long as I did. Part of it I know is when we first got together I could see right through her and through conversations I could see/feel her pain from her childhood that followed right up into her adulthood. I truly wanted to come in and save her, be her knight in shining armor and make everything right in her world. I guess throughout the relationship and in the end she has so many walls built up that I couldnt fully penetrate them enough for her to trust me completely. I made my mistakes during the course of US and she told me herself one night that her biggest flaw is her inability to FORGIVE. I saw the RED FLAGS of her shutting things down over the last few months....no intimacy, lack of effort, "taking" on every level, etc. Iam looking for that one thought that allows me to fully make the break from her emotionally but so far it hasnt come. I want to be with her. I want to be near her. Bottom line is I know that her and I could never be together no matter how bad I want it. We just cant be.... Worst part is another girl came into my life almost immediately after my breakup and this "other" girl can/will give me everything that I need in life. NO QUESTION! She is the most giving, thoughtful, loving person I have ever met but I just cant get my ex out of my mind when I am with her. I guess that's normal though....being so new and everything? Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 Like I said, you're bonded to this one girl. Even someone so much better isn't enough to break that bond. I've been there, when someone else came along who was so much better, but I ignored her cos of my feelings for the ex. I so regretted that, so keep this new girl close for now. Be her friend (not too friendly though, otherwise you enter the 'friend-zone') and let things take their course naturally rather then trying to force something to happen. That bond with the ex will break, they always do, and you'll be free. I'm still bonded to my recent ex. Nothing like your situation, we parted as friends. Sure there are issues there, but nothing out of the ordinary. I do however still firmly believe her to be the one and that's my own emotional bond talking there. Link to post Share on other sites
1784 Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 Man, are you sure we weren't dating the same gal? I could swear I saw about a million similarities. The thing you have to come to grips with is what I've been trying to come to grips with myself - you played a part in the breakup as much as she did. You admit that you "wanted to come in and save her". Man, can I relate. However, you can't save her. You can love her and show her just how beautiful the world can be, you can point her in what you think are all the right directions but she needs to be HER. You did not grow up in her house. You do not have her memories or experiences. As much as you probably felt 'right' in the things that you did, she felt she was right based on her own life experience. You are a noble knight but unfortunately she would probably need more of a wizard to fix the things that you think she needs fixed. It's very difficult when you come to love someone. I knew a girl once that I used to take the bus with. We were very dissimilar. The thing was, we had an hour of commuting time every day to get to know one another. I started to really care for her. I started to love her. We ended up dating and it never worked out. Had I never spent so much time with her (on the bus) I never would have dated her. But I allowed myself to care. I allowed myself to become a part of her world and therefore I felt protective of her. I wanted to make her happy (plus she was hot, lol). The point is, you can love someone, like you loved your ex, because you ALLOWED yourself to. It happens. This does not mean that you should be with her. You can not save her. You can not fix her. If it was true love then you would live harmoniously with her. You wouldn't feel these needs to SHOW her how to live. You are a gallant knight and I am bred from the same cloth but you have to realize that while your intentions are noble they are not realistic. In fact, they are selfish. You want her to be as YOU want her to be. You don't love her for who she truly is. A tough lesson learned. As to why you still want her? You like a challenge. So do I. It sucks. You have to realize that a challenge and love are not the same thing. You feel like you failed the challenge and you want to remedy that failure in your own head. It's an ego thing. Let it go. It's not worth it. It's a losing battle. Realize that this is NOT love, okay? Good luck. I know it's hard. Get out of your own head and into the world. It's what I'm trying to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author otherfish Posted May 5, 2011 Author Share Posted May 5, 2011 WOW! What a night...I had dinner with that "other" girl tonite. It went well. Smudge, were you secretly behind our table listening? Because that is the exact conversation I had with her tonight. *Taking things slow and let things evolve naturally*. Giving you the rest of the story, I dated this "other" girl for 2 years and bailed out of that relationship for my recent-ex. The "other" girl has waited for me the last 2.5yrs because she "knew" we were meant to be together (her words). I will tell you that it is very hard to be with my ex-ex so soon while thoughts of my ex are constantly on my mind. I am being honest with my ex-ex about all of this telling how slow this HAS to go with me being so fresh out of an LTR. I know some may think of this as a rebound but I feel it is okay because I am being brutally honest with her about everything and how Iam feeling. 1784, you are right about me playing my own part in the breakup. I definitely made my mistakes to break the trust where she is concerned. With the type of woman she is, having NO faith/trust in men (because of father/step-father issues) and me making my mistakes it just further her fuel for the fire of not being able to trust men. She is absolutely looking for MR. PERFECT and I know that enough to know that she will never find happiness or be in a productive relationship because of her unpenetratable walls. Over our time together we had conversations and she told me that I was the only one in her life to figure her out and understand her so well...to take time to really KNOW her. I was hoping that alone would bring her back to me but her ego is just to big to crawl back to any MAN. I do love her but cant be with her....day by day I slowly come to that truth. I can safely say I did my best to prove my love to her but also know that if Im honest no matter what I did she is who she is....a hurt, jaded woman and she always will be. Link to post Share on other sites
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