WiselyNaive Posted May 4, 2011 Share Posted May 4, 2011 (edited) I am at 51 days NC...i suppose im a bit late to only be starting my log now...i guess i thought i would be completely over it by now...or that my ex would have come back begging... im still paranoid that my ex may stumble upon this and i would be devastated lol...but i think putting down those sharps thoughts that hit me about my ex and random points will help me with this and future breakups its just those negative thoughts that come from assuming and overthinking that make me sick i was "dumped" for practically nothing...no1 ever actually said "i want to break up" but we shifted blame n i stuck it to him...the last thing i said to him was about 7 weeks ago and it was ..dont ever message me again...i feel if he wanted this he would fight for it but he gave up rather easily...for about the first 2 weeks he used the internet to TRY and torture me by saying things he knew id read and underlining them with shots aimed at me...he knew id foolishly look...after 2 or so weeks..he began saying stuff like he missed me..using my nicknames he made...so no1 could tel but me...i retaliated to none of this because i didnt want to confirm that i was indeed keeping tabs but also because he was TRYING to hurt me by bragging about his ex being at his house...last think i read indicated that he had given up on me n from that day i completely went strict nc not cause i was hurt but i wanted to leave the last impressions of him on my mind with him still thinking of me n stopped looking...2 weeks later i was told he deleted all his internet profiles...it was 1 day after i had posted a picture with a male friend online...it could be connected and may have nothing to do with me...but i have the slight intuitive idea that it was about me, he still had our pics on his fb might not mean much but oh well...its been easier since he removed his profiles cause now even if i were to get weak id have to go even more out of my way to contact...and if i truly believed i did something wrong i would have...we were both being jerks the day of the break up...i tried to be mature n fix it but his jerk went into overdrive i understand he may have been upset since the whole "breakup" stemmed from me deleting him on my blackberry...but thats a silly reason to "stop loving" someone lol....he simply had to ask why because i had a reason...anyways after he started demeaning me when i was trying to fix it i told him i gave up...i may have given him a week or so to cool off and then try again but i was turned off when i saw how spiteful he was...i took his promises at face value and he actually went out of his way to break this all immediately after the break up..he literally TRIED to hurt me..which is shocking to me..i did nothing to hurt him :S i didn't betray or deceive him in anyway...and no matter how mad i am at him id never TRY to hurt him even after all the things he said and did i still seek no revenge i just feel pity and i'm disgusted...post breakup he openly aired some things and i found out some things myself that he had lied about almost everything..things that wouldnt have even affected the relationship...he cheated...he was involved with girls he denied...everything was a lie leads me to believe he planned it all...at 1 point a mutual friend had messaged me asking about us asking why i kicked him out my life , i told her he is the 1 who broke up with me and i asked y she was asking and she said they were talking of me and he said there was no point talking to me about it and she was gonna prove him wrong....3 seconds later she recanted...i could imagine him saying "NOOOOO DON'T TELL HER ANYTHING STOP"...lol...im positive that was what happened...deep down i think he was trying to rekindle something with her as they were past lovers..using pity from me and him..and she read it as he wanted me back...but who knows..that was a few weeks ago...last week he contacted a family member to wish them happy holidays..which was fishy..but i let it go... i just want this to disappear...i don't care if he begs back anymore although the ego boost would be great...i just want it to go away...he disgusts me... i have weak moments when i think he is with someone and that's why he is hiding..or thinking how he may have planned the whole thing...or thinking about the things he is saying and has said about me to boost himself up...i sometimes think about emailing him but i quickly snap out of it...ive been dating..nothing serious...but acting this tough is slowly wearing at me...i hope i never break...a simple apology would get me out of my slums -.-..but its obvious he prefer to hurt me since i refuse to chase after some1 who doesn't love me like a crazed psycho fan...BEEN THERE, DONE THAT...saddest part of this is we easily could have left it as friends...i trusted this guy. Edited May 4, 2011 by WiselyNaive Link to post Share on other sites
Author WiselyNaive Posted May 5, 2011 Author Share Posted May 5, 2011 I almost hate waking up these days...its only a matter of minutes before my mind is completely consumed with thoughts of him. I can easily see myself becoming filled with hate over this...but i wont allow it...i cant be bitter....day 52 NC :When will this be over Link to post Share on other sites
Author WiselyNaive Posted May 6, 2011 Author Share Posted May 6, 2011 i wasnt even aware that i could have been in a denial stage..but after 7 weeks i see myself entering anger...im scared because if im only ow getting angry how long is this really going to take? i really started realizing what this guy actually did to me n how bad his intentions really were all along...all the lies he told....i only now started to actually allow my self to cry but i havent had that "big cry" yet...but i know its coming i think i may have dealt with this breakup wrong....i kind of dealt with it " like a guy" ...i acted like nothing happened...like nothing was wrong...apart from the few ppl i told i dont think anyone knows i may even care..not even him... i just feel sick....i hate him. Link to post Share on other sites
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