I can't believe how sucked in I was in losing my virginity. Now I can't cope!!!

[Kiwi_Croat]

Sorry about the really long page. Just telling everyone who sees this everything about what happened.

 

I'm 26. I was living at home and recently I moved with my friend to see an older man who is 45 that I liked and he liked me back. My parents didn't want me to see him cause of his age so it was a secret friendship.

BIG MISTAKE! I should've never moved because then my life would be just fine and I would still be my normal happy self.

 

His name is George. I was working with him temporarily and we got along well. I was into him straight away and I have never liked anyone that age before. We hung a out a few times and then he started to like me maybe 1 1/2 months later.

 

I moved out because my parents were against me seeing him from the start. George asked me to the movies one night so I told my dad I was going out with him to a movie. My dad got mad and said "all he wants to do is sleep with you, he doesn't see you as just friends." I told George I had to cancel saying I was sick. When I went out with my friends who are my age, I met up with him sometimes when I was out on the weekends. Another time I went out with just him, this was Feb 2011. I told my dad I was seeing a friend and he would drop me off home late so told him I'd let myself in when I get home. So George took me back to his place. It was fine, we were watching a dvd. We started making out and then, he didnt ask but took a condom out straight away. I told him to stop cause I wanted to stay a virgin till I was married or with someone who I had been going out with for more than a year. He was fine with it and then he stopped. I thought, he seems nice for listening to me, being an older man and all and thought he was different, not like other guys.

 

I didnt see him for a while after that in the weekends but still at work. He did ask to do stuff with me but I couldnt.

I finished my contract at work in March and moved to my friends house from 12 March to 2nd April 2011.

 

I told Geroge I had moved out so he came over to my friends apartment to meet up. Had a few drinks at the bar near by and then I asked him to stay at his house but not to have sex. I said, "I just wanna hang out and cuddle" and he said "ok." We did make out a bit and this time we got into foreplay and he fingered me but didnt ask for sex. The same thing happened the weekend after aswell, just kissing and foreplay.

 

The last night I stayed before I went back home is what I regret the most. We went out before hand and he ended up buying me sex toys to use in the bedroom. We did the usual stuff aswell from what we had done on other nights. Then the toys came in and then he asked me for oral. I said I didnt want to so he stopped asking Then he asked to go in me. I said a few times I dont want to cause I still wanted to be a virgin. Then he said "Is there something you're not telling me" I said "No, I just want be one till I get married or if I'm in a serious relationship." Then he said "I'll just go in at the entrance, it's only a little bit, you'll still be a virgin." I didn't know cause I had never had sex before, he was alot older than me so I thought he knew what he was doing and didn't want to disappoint him cause I had said no to other things and I felt like I wasn't giving him anything back. I said "Are you sure I'll still be a virgin" and he said "Yes babe, you will be." I trusted him, so I gave in. And he did his business.

 

A couple of days later George texted me saying something like "Babe, had a nice time with you. Sex was great. Hopefully I'll see you again soon."

I didn't read to much into it cause didn't think we had done anything.

 

He kept saying I'll still be half a virgin. I thought it was weird so I googled it and found out the truth. I was like "What the hell." I told my friend what happened. My friend Sarah who I lived with said "OMG! He lied to you and took advantage of you."

 

I know how sex happens but when he said the virgin thing I was so stupid to have believed him. I should've kept saying no.

 

Now I'm I completly different person. It keeps replaying in my mind over and over on ways of how I could've stopped it. I was thinking I should've made an excuse to go to the bathroom but wake up his flatmate who was home to help him stop pressuring me. Or to walk out the door and go to my parents house who lives around the corner.

 

I am so stupid for not thinking that. Now I feel like my life is ruined. I keep thinking about it all the time. I feel like a heavy tonne of weight is on my chest and it also being stretched from the outside where the heavy thing has landed. I also feel like a layer of skin has come off me and don't feel my normal self. Also I have major mood swings and sometimes I am fine and then the thoughts come back.

 

I was sick for two weeks. I didnt eat, it was a struggle to move or do daily tasks. Even to brush my teeth or take a shower was hard. I couldn't move and I was in my room at my families house crying all the time. Also throwing up.

 

I told my mum. But then my two sisters were scared of what was happening to me and I told them aswell. They were all supportive and said "It's not your fault." My mum and sisters didn't tell me, I chose too, but when my dads home I chose to put on a act so he didn't suspect anything. If my dad found out he would probably kill him and I don't want my dad to go to jail. I feel a little better telling my mum and my sisters though.

 

But I dont know how to make this pain or thoughts in my head go away. It's driving me crazy and I'm scared of what it's doing to me cause I never used to be like this. I never thought something like this would happen to me. I've never experienced anything traumatic as this. I just don't know what to do.

 

I called George a couple of days after I found out the truth. He said "Babe, I didn't know, It's done, move on and try to not make yourself sick." He kept assuring me I was still a virgin and we didnt go that far, just an inch. I don't know if he is telling me the truth and wanted to know what you think. Do you think he is lying or telling the truth?

 

When I look back I can see he did want sex. He used to say stuff like "I can't believe you're 26 and still a virgin," "Everyone's doing it, all of your friends aren't virgins." "How do you handle it?" I didn't take to much notice cause I thought it was in passing conversation.

 

I texted him a few days later, I was nasty calling him scum and what would you do if something like this happens to your grandkids. Some role model you are.

Then he got nasty. He left me a voicemail message on my cell phone saying "You leave my grandkids out of this! You're trying to play me now aren't you? I'm trying to figure what this is all about. You're pushing it girlie, watch yourself, do you hear me? Watch yourself!"

 

I was so scared of that voicemail. I didn't text him anymore after that. I've never heard him that angry before.

 

I know a couple of his friends who I've known for a few years. I'm not sure if I should say something to them cause not sure if they'll tell George and he will do something to me or my parents house when me and my family have gone away for 6 months starting in June.

 

He doesn't contact me anymore, he didn't even apologize. when I told him the truth.

 

I have so many questions in my head like "Why didn't I think of something to make me get out of it." "Did he actually like me?" "Why did he ask that on the last night when I said I wanted to be a virgin?" Why did he say I'll still be a virgin?" "Did he actually think I'd still be a virgin if he went in a bit or was he lying?"

 

He also said "I did not ask for sex." But he did cause I definately didn't.

I just don't know what to do or how to get better. I feel so guilty for going behind my families back when they were right the whole time. I feel more guilty when I look at my dad cause he will never know and he thinks I am safe. I know now he was trying to protect me from him.

 

I just didn't want something this bad to happen to me. My first time was supposed to be special with someone I loved. George took that away from me and now I can never get that back. How do I get this thought out of my head cause I don't want this thought staying with me for the rest of my life, even when I do meet someone I don't want to be thinking about George when we make love.

 

Now, I just don't know what to do. I'm hurting my family and I just wanted to have a nice holiday. I just want it out of my head. I'm mad cause I didnt even know my first time happened.

 

Please don't call me stupid, I just believed him.

 

Please help me. Sorry again for the long page. Thank you for your help

xxx

[Irishlove]

Honey. The ONLY way you are a virgin is if you have a piece of tissue called a hymen. It still may be attached. Only a gynogologist would know. I lost my hymen because of a gynocologist.

Also if he broke that thin layer of skin it might have hurt and you would have bled.

The guy is a pig but you were playing with fire. I hope you go see a dr and ease your mind.

[silvermane187]

You should probably see a counseler. No offense but you're 26 and you sound like a 14 year old. I have a feeling there are deeper issues here than we could help you with.

[hellon]

I'm gonna have to agree with Silvermane on the counselor part- OP, you should see a therapist.

[willowthewisp]

I think you need to speak with your mum again and see a counsellor and a doctor as soon as possible.

 

This was not your fault hunny, this man knew you did not understand for whatever reason!

 

Also, the hymen (the piece of skin that makes you a virgin physically) can break just from doing sports in highschool, horse riding. You didn't understand you were having sexual intercourse so don't think of it as losing your virginity, you didn't consent (agree to that).

Edited May 3, 2011 by willowthewisp

[Kiwi_Croat]

The ONLY way you are a virgin is if you have a piece of tissue called a hymen.

Also if he broke that thin layer of skin it might have hurt and you would have bled.

The guy is a pig but you were playing with fire. I hope you go see a dr and ease your mind.

 

 

Yeah, I went to the doctor the following week and they said it is part broken. I did bleed alot when he fingered me first aswell from the other night, even though I don't want to stick up for that scum bastard.

I had no idea I was playing with fire cause I really thought he was into me. I'd never had a boyfriend from when my parents used to be over protective and never let me do anything. I told him everything and he listened and told me stuff about himself too. I just don't know why he did that to me