Someone slap me!

[nineyearsgone79]

Hey Guys.. so I have been NC from my ex since Sept 09'.. yes i know that's a pretty gosh darn long time ago. We dated 9 years and he split up with me via a short email (around 4 sentences with no explanation.. just telling me it's time he moved on.) Basically wouldn't pick up the phone or email me or anything.. vanished. Anyway, i had been doing "ok".. not good not horrid but "ok.".. living ya know.. Anyway, stupid me has peeked here and there at my ex's facebook. I know.. that means i'm breaking NC on my part. Anyway.. so I tend to browse at it here and there and it's never changed hardly. Anyway kaboom I log in on Monday and see those dreaded words "in a relationship." Anyway.. yeah I know I was obviously looking for more heartache. I know it was wrong of me to look and the only one in pain from it is me. He left in such a horrible fashion that's it's haunted me ever since. I feel like someone needs to tie me down to keep from continually torturing myself by looking.

 

I honestly feel like i have lost self control.. now that he's in a relationship my mind wanders even more .. what is she like.. is she like me? .. is she opposite of me. I saw that he has now a bunch of new "slutty" girls added as friends who are in the same friend circle apparently. UGh.. the whole thing makes me just mad for looking..

 

I'm just totally venting .. I even fell off of the wagon and "poked" him .. i know please slap me! I had been so strong all of this time! I just don't know what is wrong with me why i am obsessing over this jerk! Tonight I was cleaning an old harddrive so that I can use it for work and ran across tons of old emails and photos of us and songs.. it was totally not something I needed to see tonight. It's hard you know.. just wiping away history in your mind. How do you guys do it!? I know i HAVE to for the sake of my life.

 

I equate it to this.. you KNOW the person is never ever ever returning yet u still peak out the window once in a while.. and feel that drop of your heart when no one is there.

 

I wish I had never gotten involved with someone who took my heart and smashed it into a zillion pieces. I also miss that person terribly.. ugh just saying that makes me feel so weak & helpless feeling.

 

I've honestly tried everything possible to move on and spoken with people.. I understand the logic of it.. today I even woke up thinking u MUST stop this you are only destroying your hopes for a happy future.

[hoping2heal]

What a sad story, I am sorry for your pain. It seems like sometimes the way a person ends things, can really leave a person hard pressed for closure over it all. In a way, sad as it is- I think seeing now that he has moved on with his life, you will be able to realize you need to do the same. I think once you realise this is someone you cared about deeply, and did not get in return (as evidenced by the crappy way he ended it) and you will want more for yourself.

[bestrong]

I know how it feels. My ex broke up with me on Oct 09, a month after yours. The wound is fresh and it feels like it happened yesterday. I will never know if the reason she gave me was the actual reason for the break up. What I want to say is, sometimes we will never get the closure we are looking for and even the reasons are given, we would spend time thinking if that's the real reason.

 

Writing helps. Nine years is a long time, allow yourself to grieve and try putting down the burden and move on.

[Emilia]

Hey Guys.. so I have been NC from my ex since Sept 09'.. yes i know that's a pretty gosh darn long time ago. We dated 9 years and he split up with me via a short email (around 4 sentences with no explanation.. just telling me it's time he moved on.) Basically wouldn't pick up the phone or email me or anything.. vanished.

 

was there really no indications that you were heading towards a split?

[orangelady]

Hey Guys.. so I have been NC from my ex since Sept 09'.. yes i know that's a pretty gosh darn long time ago. We dated 9 years and he split up with me via a short email (around 4 sentences with no explanation.. just telling me it's time he moved on.) Basically wouldn't pick up the phone or email me or anything.. vanished. Anyway, i had been doing "ok".. not good not horrid but "ok.".. living ya know.. Anyway, stupid me has peeked here and there at my ex's facebook. I know.. that means i'm breaking NC on my part. Anyway.. so I tend to browse at it here and there and it's never changed hardly. Anyway kaboom I log in on Monday and see those dreaded words "in a relationship." Anyway.. yeah I know I was obviously looking for more heartache. I know it was wrong of me to look and the only one in pain from it is me. He left in such a horrible fashion that's it's haunted me ever since. I feel like someone needs to tie me down to keep from continually torturing myself by looking.

 

I honestly feel like i have lost self control.. now that he's in a relationship my mind wanders even more .. what is she like.. is she like me? .. is she opposite of me. I saw that he has now a bunch of new "slutty" girls added as friends who are in the same friend circle apparently. UGh.. the whole thing makes me just mad for looking..

 

I'm just totally venting .. I even fell off of the wagon and "poked" him .. i know please slap me! I had been so strong all of this time! I just don't know what is wrong with me why i am obsessing over this jerk! Tonight I was cleaning an old harddrive so that I can use it for work and ran across tons of old emails and photos of us and songs.. it was totally not something I needed to see tonight. It's hard you know.. just wiping away history in your mind. How do you guys do it!? I know i HAVE to for the sake of my life.

 

I equate it to this.. you KNOW the person is never ever ever returning yet u still peak out the window once in a while.. and feel that drop of your heart when no one is there.

 

I wish I had never gotten involved with someone who took my heart and smashed it into a zillion pieces. I also miss that person terribly.. ugh just saying that makes me feel so weak & helpless feeling.

 

I've honestly tried everything possible to move on and spoken with people.. I understand the logic of it.. today I even woke up thinking u MUST stop this you are only destroying your hopes for a happy future.

 

Divert all your energy and focus on something to obsess about - career, hobby, sports, fitness or even dating again.

[Graceful]

Aw, nine, I don't want to slap you. I want to take you out for a cup of whatever your favorite drink is and buy you a little something, wipe your tears away, and tell you that your pain is warranted.

 

But then I'll tell you that you know what you have to do, and that's get the focus off of your ex. It's not productive, it's not healthy, it's not helping you and it really doesn't even mean anything, because whatever you are thinking is all part of your imagination. After all, you don't know the new girl, you don't know how he feels, you don't know how she feels, you don't know if it will end tomorrow, and ... you see what I mean? It's pointless to speculate, and honestly? Does it matter?

 

Time to realize that you have a life, a beautiful life that you were given to live for YOU. Your ex has a life, and that's his right, too. So don't go giving YOUR life to him because that means he has TWO lives, and you have NO life. See what I mean?

 

Use this as the ultimate closure and the "message" from the universe that it's time for you to get your heart to catch up with your head, and see that your life awaits you. No more putting your life on "hold" for someone who isn't there anymore. He's gone, and furthermore, he's not worth it.

 

I don't know the details of your relationship, and only the bare bones of the breakup, but all I can say is that anyone who walks out of a LTR the way your ex did is not the same person you met when you met him nine years ago.

 

Your ex is not the same man you used to know. Tell yourself the truth, and that's that he's a stranger to you now, you don't know him, and he does not know you. He is not the sort of man you want in your life, you want a kind, caring man who will communicate with you and who will support you and love you. That is not your ex anymore, not by a long shot.

 

So get back on track, you simply cannot look at his FB page anymore. You have to STOP that today. It's destructive, plain and simple. He gave you nothing to hang onto when he left, and you're still holding on anyway. Now just let go, and make this your first step. You will feel sooooo much better, I cannot stress this enough, you're in charge now.

 

Tonight I was cleaning an old harddrive so that I can use it for work and ran across tons of old emails and photos of us and songs.. it was totally not something I needed to see tonight. It's hard you know.. just wiping away history in your mind. How do you guys do it!? I know i HAVE to for the sake of my life.

If you can't bring yourself to wipe it all out, then put it all in a folder or transfer it to a flash drive or something, and store it. NEVER look at it, but if makes you feel better knowing you have it for the time being, that's okay. But don't make any of it available for viewing.

 

I equate it to this.. you KNOW the person is never ever ever returning yet u still peak out the window once in a while.. and feel that drop of your heart when no one is there.

We all play these games at first, it's the only way to survive. But for you, where it's been well over a year, this has to stop. If you look out the window, it should be to start envisioning yourself with your life going forward, not backwards, and to see a future that is bright and happy. That's not with your ex.

 

Don't try to make too much sense of your emotions, that's why they're called emotions and not logic. You might want to seek some support in therapy, to get rid of the raw feelings that continue to surface, and keep plugging. Also, in the future, don't let yourself stay in a LTR without direction and without communication. That's too long a period of time to just be "hanging out" with no direction, no plans, no communication, no future. Just too long. If you don't know what you want, then start to work on that (marriage? children?) so you'll start to envision yourself with someone who is like-minded. If you're still feeling like you want to date casually, then that's what you should do. But 9 years? Don't stay with someone who isn't meeting your expectations and doesn't want the same things. In any event, your ex is not the right guy for you.

 

You seem to know what you have to do, just get the strength and do it. That's what this boils down to. Courage and strength. I know it's there, just get to work. No more FB, okay? Take care, honey.

[betterdeal]

I think that the existence of those feelings means you haven't been ready to let them out ... until now.

 

Now you have looked into his life (Facebook) and come here to ask for advice, support, garner ideas. You are, subconsciously, kitting yourself out with the tools to take the next step in life's journey. I congratulate you on taking the initiative. You're doing so so well.

 

At the centre of your being is your soul / subconscious / inner child. Like an iceberg, this is the bit below the surface, the vast majority of you. Above the surface there is the conscious / mind / inner parent that handles words and rules and all the complex man made things.

 

The subconscious is very simple, not very wordy, and very very real. It's where all your feelings emanate from. The conscious is much more noisy and where all the internal chatter goes on. It knows lots of words, but it's pretty clueless about feelings.

 

Your subconscious has emotions from your break up that it needs to express, to have acknowledged, to express, to feel. Once this is done, you can let go of them. Your conscious mind has held them back, because that's what it thought was best to do in the complex world we live in.

 

Now your conscious mind is considering letting them out whilst your subconscious is getting louder and pushing outwards a bit more. I will not mislead you: you will really feel these feelings. You won't be able to neutralise or capture them with words, if you are to truly feel them.

 

So it may seem overwhelming at times, but remember you are now somewhere safe. Find yourself somewhere safe, quiet, with or without someone you trust, and let them out. Words might fall out of your mouth. Tears your eyes. Let the emotions come out. And for that time, let your conscious mind be quiet, respectful, observant of those feelings, of your inner child's expression. And afterwards, you will feel relief, a weight lifted, more yourself, your real self.

 

It may take several episodes of letting emotions out, but you will let them all out in the end. So this is not about your ex: it's about your inner self registering its pain, its anger, its hurt , its fear, and it's about your conscious mind understanding, taking care, and letting go, just for a while, whilst you do this healing work for you.