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Get on so well... always sets me back


GreenVista

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BF split with me for another guy (GIGS) after 1.5yrs of great relationship. Within weeks they were living together, and have been together for a couple of months now.

 

Have been on LC, talking on msn and text about general stuff. Even played on xbox live with each other. I've never talked about the break up.

 

Recently have gone for a drink, gone round his new house and last weekend we spent a few hours together.

 

It was his birthday in a few days so I met up to give him a card. Went for a walk by the sea, had coffee in a bar, went on a boat trip and had fresh doughnuts at the beach. Chatted and had a great time, sometimes talked about good times we had. Just felt like a date.

 

He clearly just sees me as a friend, and he is in honeymoon mode with new guy. It is hard for me as when we meet up it is like old times, apart from the physical part. I know the answer is NC, but I enjoy being with him. I guess it will get easier with time?

 

I know he has done a lot of things to hurt me (emotionally cheating on me, being devious and dumping me on holiday) but I am pretty blind to those things because of all the good times we had. I know I would forgive it all as well.

 

I would love for him to realise what he lost and want it back. I know only time would do this, and it might never happen, but I think if it was to ever happen, I would need to stay on good terms and never get emotional with him or I will just doormat myself.

 

I just fell confused, and don't know if I'm doing the right things. Thanks.

Edited by GreenVista
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The only way he's going to truly realize what he lost is if it's gone. Obviously you still being there will just make you look like a doormat and he won't miss you at all. Now I'm not saying to go NC to make him miss you and want you back, but I AM saying go NC so that you can get OVER him.

 

IF during NC he realizes he still wants to be with you, you with him, AND he contacts you first, only then you can even think of getting back with him. Otherwise help yourself out, go NC! If anything else, NC doesn't necessarily mean you have to never talk to him again either. It can just be for now so you can get over him and then maybe in the future you guys can be friends again. At this point I just hope you're looking out for numero uno (yourself) =).

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Thanks for the reply. I think it is highly likely that if I just randomly stopped replying to his contact he would just think negatively towards me for ignoring him. I think this would make any long term efforts harder.

 

I'm thinking if I'm always in the background (but not always available) then over time when he gets messed around by new people/relationships there is an increased chance it would dawn on him what I offered in the first place?

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Thanks for the reply. I think it is highly likely that if I just randomly stopped replying to his contact he would just think negatively towards me for ignoring him. I think this would make any long term efforts harder.

 

I'm thinking if I'm always in the background (but not always available) then over time when he gets messed around by new people/relationships there is an increased chance it would dawn on him what I offered in the first place?

 

Well it's not like you're going to just start ignoring him out of no where. What you can do is wait until he contacts you or you can contact him first (I would do this), and let him know that you still have feelings for him and cannot just remain friends at the moment. And tell him that you hope he understands this.

 

If you're always just in the background, he's never going to really miss you. What do you mean "but not always available"? Like are you going to try playing that type of game? Cause if so, you're going to lose and feel horrible when you realize he doesn't really care if you're there or not. I'm not saying this is going to happen, but if it did you'd be back to square 1.

 

No one can really make someone else want them back. It's really up to him to want to have you back. If you go NC and try to focus on yourself and maybe reflect back on what caused the relationship to fail in the first place, you can learn from a couple of the mistakes and improve; become a better/stronger person. Who knows he might fall for the new you. But if you're just sad, always there, and not changed then he's just going to see the same old you. If that's all he sees then he's definitely going to think that moving on from you was the better choice!

 

This is all my speculations though, as I don't know him at all. I just hope that whatever you do, it is in your best interest and will help you in the long run :)

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When you get on well, you get on well, it will not set you back. This just means you have not get on well. This is fine, as long as you start doing things to help yourself to get on well for real.

 

"BF split with me for another guy (GIGS) after 1.5yrs of great relationship. Within weeks they were living together, and have been together for a couple of months now."

 

I know this is heart wrenching, however it's time you realize this is a reality and not a nightmare.

 

Although you may hope this is a nightmare, but in time to come you will be happy this is a reality.

 

Would you like to have nightmares every night when you sleep?

 

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"Have been on LC, talking on msn and text about general stuff. Even played on xbox live with each other. I've never talked about the break up.

 

Recently have gone for a drink, gone round his new house and last weekend we spent a few hours together."

 

I personally believe because of LC, you have not get on well because you are carrying hope in your heart that remaining contact with him, remaining visible around him is going to make him change his heart. It does not and will not.

 

Please seek NC immediately if you do want to be happy again.

 

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"It was his birthday in a few days so I met up to give him a card. Went for a walk by the sea, had coffee in a bar, went on a boat trip and had fresh doughnuts at the beach. Chatted and had a great time, sometimes talked about good times we had. Just felt like a date."

 

You had done more than enough for him. And I simply don't understand what is your ex doing. He seemed like he's stepping on 2 boats.

 

Ask yourself this, "You are attached, and your BF went out dating with another person, how would you feel?"

 

and "He chose to leave you and got attached and now he is still seeing you and stuffs, ultimately, what are you to him?"

 

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"He clearly just sees me as a friend, and he is in honeymoon mode with new guy. It is hard for me as when we meet up it is like old times, apart from the physical part. I know the answer is NC, but I enjoy being with him. I guess it will get easier with time?"

 

Read your first phrase again. He clearly sees you as a friend only.

NC does get better in time. You will feel strange to NC initially but in time to come NC will be your best friend and you will gain true closure from NC itself. Personally, I love NC :)

 

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"I know he has done a lot of things to hurt me (emotionally cheating on me, being devious and dumping me on holiday) but I am pretty blind to those things because of all the good times we had. I know I would forgive it all as well."

 

He HAD done alot for you, but he is not doing anything for your NOW. You see the difference? What's past is past, they no longer represent today of how he treats and sees in you.

 

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"I would love for him to realise what he lost and want it back. I know only time would do this, and it might never happen, but I think if it was to ever happen, I would need to stay on good terms and never get emotional with him or I will just doormat myself."

 

It's up to him whether in future he will regret or not. However, you don't want to come to a stage where you start to regret on yourself of why didn't you do things to make your life happier and more meaningful.

 

You don't have to stay on good terms with him because the fact is he chose to leave you and you can chose to move on and discover what you can do for yourself.

 

You are not a doormat and never will be when you start to focus on yourself rather than him.

 

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"I just fell confused, and don't know if I'm doing the right things. Thanks."

 

Begin NC to heal yourself.

 

The purpose of NC is for yourself only.

 

- Do not initiate any contact with your ex

 

- Do not respond to any of his contacts (messages/emails/calls/anything)

 

- Do not look at his facebook profile, twitter, myspace, youtube, hi-5, any other websites you can think of

 

- Start focusing on yourself, pick up a new hobby or grab a book to read and start doing things you like.

We are all here to support, if you are feeling the urge and temptation to Break NC, come over to this forum and POST, and this will stop you from breaking NC and have to restart again.

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