I don't know what's going on.

[EricaH329]

It's been a year and a month since I broke up with my ex fiance. I took about 9 months all to myself. I didn't date anyone or even entertain the idea of doing so.

 

I finally decided that I was ready for a relationship again. At least to begin dating again. I met a guy that I really cared for, so much so that I thought a relationship with him would be a good idea.

 

Not so much.

 

Long story short, that ended. But the point i'm trying to make is that even when I was with this guy, who I really did care for and still do, at the end of the day I thought about my ex fiance. I don't feel like I want to be with him again, it's more of the feeling of longing. If that makes sense.

 

I don't know what to do. I thought I did enough grieving and finding myself. I don't think about him all the time or anything like that, but when I do think of him there is a huge pain associated with it. More like nostalgia and the feeling of longing.

 

I know this is long, and I don't really know where i'm going with this. I suppose I just really need to know what I have to do to make this stop. I happened to find a great guy that I really cared for (enough to potentially make it something serious) but at the end of the night, all I could think about was my ex fiance. After a year. How pathetic.

 

I just don't know what to do and really needed to vent.

[0hpenelope]

Erica, are you feeling frustrated at yourself for somehow "regressing?" I don't think it's regression at all.

 

You've come a long way, girl. I know I haven't been around during your time, but your discussions and insights reflect that. This guy that you're frustrated about... you considered marrying him for a while, after all. So your longing isn't pathetic at all.

 

I don't really have advice, per se. I think the feelings of yearning and longing are part of the process. There's nothing linear about healing and they do pop up from time to time.

 

I sympathize a lot with you because I'm going through the same feelings of irritation and I picked up irritation from you. I know the triggers that bring me to thoughts of my most recent ex and I know how to get myself out of it. Yet it doesn't stop me from feeling irritated that I was triggered into thinking about him anyway, if that makes sense. I just try to not be hard on myself when it happens.

 

Have you thought about the possibility of "thought triggers" for yourself, too?

[EricaH329]

Erica, are you feeling frustrated at yourself for somehow "regressing?" I don't think it's regression at all.

 

You've come a long way, girl. I know I haven't been around during your time, but your discussions and insights reflect that. This guy that you're frustrated about... you considered marrying him for a while, after all. So your longing isn't pathetic at all.

 

I don't really have advice, per se. I think the feelings of yearning and longing are part of the process. There's nothing linear about healing and they do pop up from time to time.

 

I sympathize a lot with you because I'm going through the same feelings of irritation and I picked up irritation from you. I know the triggers that bring me to thoughts of my most recent ex and I know how to get myself out of it. Yet it doesn't stop me from feeling irritated that I was triggered into thinking about him anyway, if that makes sense. I just try to not be hard on myself when it happens.

 

Have you thought about the possibility of "thought triggers" for yourself, too?

 

Wow, thank you so much for responding. There's so much that I want to say about what you've written I just can't seem to put it into words.

 

I have definitely come a long way. I don't necessarily feel guilty anymore, I did when my most current ex and I were together (the guy that I still really care for). When we were together and I felt that way I felt guilty because it wasn't something he deserved.

 

Now that him and I aren't together, the guilt is no longer there. It's more of a 'what the hell' feeling. This has never happened with anyone else, and I know it's because i've never loved anyone else to the capacity that I loved my ex fiance.

 

What makes me feel pathetic is the fact that my ex fiance has been trying so hard to be a part of my life. Him and I have had contact on and off since we broke up. He has tried so hard to make sure he was a part of my life in some way. He actually sent me an e-mail 2 days ago saying that he thought we were making a lot of progress (with becoming 'friends') and that he hopes I will stop ignoring his e-mails so we can further this 'progression'.

 

He is the one person in my life that no matter what, whether i'm in a relationship or not, I think about. It's been so long since we've broken up, that I feel it's absurd for me to even have these feelings anymore.

 

I know that in order for me to move forward, I can't have these feelings. But I don't know what to do to stop them. I've tried everything. I didn't think it'd be possible for me to even care for another man enough to want to be in a relationship with him. But it happened. And i'm still thinking about my ex fiance. This is sad. I don't know what to do. And there isn't anything in particular that makes me think of him, it just happens.

[0hpenelope]

What makes me feel pathetic is the fact that my ex fiance has been trying so hard to be a part of my life. Him and I have had contact on and off since we broke up. He has tried so hard to make sure he was a part of my life in some way. He actually sent me an e-mail 2 days ago saying that he thought we were making a lot of progress (with becoming 'friends') and that he hopes I will stop ignoring his e-mails so we can further this 'progression'.

Has it occurred to you that this is possibly why you're still thinking about him? No judgments on my part at all, I'm just curious. Truth be told, a year from now, I'd really dislike to be in your position. I won't want thoughts of my ex to still bother me.

 

I wanted to give my support in your decision to just ignore his e-mails. It seems like he definitely doesn't want to be just friends with you and it looks like you recognize that, too. Right now, I just feel really bad for him because he really needs to let you go and just give both of you space. There's nothing like LC to stir things up.

 

He is the one person in my life that no matter what, whether i'm in a relationship or not, I think about. It's been so long since we've broken up, that I feel it's absurd for me to even have these feelings anymore.

 

I know that in order for me to move forward, I can't have these feelings. But I don't know what to do to stop them. I've tried everything. I didn't think it'd be possible for me to even care for another man enough to want to be in a relationship with him. But it happened. And i'm still thinking about my ex fiance. This is sad. I don't know what to do. And there isn't anything in particular that makes me think of him, it just happens.

Why should it be absurd? I think it's admirable that you've been able to move on in a different relationship, in spite of feeling guilt in that relationship and without dismissing that guilt too, because it means you're capable of moving on and knowing where your emotions lie, taking the time to assess and maintain your self-awareness about the state of your heart. You also learned that you're strong enough to open your heart to another man again, even though you still have unresolved feelings wrt your ex.

 

I do think his e-mails aren't helping you at all. While I support your ignoring his e-mails, have you thought about responding before? By the way, I know how much easier it is to say "Block his e-mails! Delete his Facebook friendship with you! Block him on Myspace! Delete! Block!" but I like to look at the given info and I don't think that having him in contact is strongly detrimental to you, it's more like... the annoying gnat that won't go away during an irritatingly hot summer's day sort of thing. Do you feel guilty about perhaps having to tell him "You have to stop e-mailing me?"

 

Love definitely is a powerful force and again, I sympathize. I am definitely still encased in its powerful grip and I'm still in the process of shaking myself loose, little by little. I know when to fight against it and I know when to just let myself feel it (thinking of him, etc.), in spite of not wanting to feel it anymore. From time to time, I feel at a loss in this stage of healing as well and I'm adjusting to just accepting things, feelings as they come along, as unpleasant as they are.

[EricaH329]

Has it occurred to you that this is possibly why you're still thinking about him? No judgments on my part at all, I'm just curious. Truth be told, a year from now, I'd really dislike to be in your position. I won't want thoughts of my ex to still bother me.

 

I wanted to give my support in your decision to just ignore his e-mails. It seems like he definitely doesn't want to be just friends with you and it looks like you recognize that, too. Right now, I just feel really bad for him because he really needs to let you go and just give both of you space. There's nothing like LC to stir things up.

 

First I would like to say you are amazing for supporting me in the way that you are. I truly appreciate it. Thank you.

 

I know that I would still be thinking of him regardless of the fact that he has been trying to keep in touch with me. It's been an off and on thing (contact wise) between him and I. No matter if we are talking, or not, I still think about him. Again, not all the time, but there are those nights that I look over our pictures or conversations. Contact does make it worse though. And I have tried many times to completely stop contact, but when he comes back to me (which he always does) it's nearly impossible to stay away from him.

 

He tells me how much he cares for me and wants me in his life. How he can't talk to anyone else like he can talk to me. That he loves me and doesn't want me out of his life. It's all very difficult to take, one way or the other.

 

 

Why should it be absurd? I think it's admirable that you've been able to move on in a different relationship, in spite of feeling guilt in that relationship and without dismissing that guilt too, because it means you're capable of moving on and knowing where your emotions lie, taking the time to assess and maintain your self-awareness about the state of your heart. You also learned that you're strong enough to open your heart to another man again, even though you still have unresolved feelings wrt your ex.

 

I do think his e-mails aren't helping you at all. While I support your ignoring his e-mails, have you thought about responding before? By the way, I know how much easier it is to say "Block his e-mails! Delete his Facebook friendship with you! Block him on Myspace! Delete! Block!" but I like to look at the given info and I don't think that having him in contact is strongly detrimental to you, it's more like... the annoying gnat that won't go away during an irritatingly hot summer's day sort of thing. Do you feel guilty about perhaps having to tell him "You have to stop e-mailing me?"

 

Love definitely is a powerful force and again, I sympathize. I am definitely still encased in its powerful grip and I'm still in the process of shaking myself loose, little by little. I know when to fight against it and I know when to just let myself feel it (thinking of him, etc.), in spite of not wanting to feel it anymore. From time to time, I feel at a loss in this stage of healing as well and I'm adjusting to just accepting things, feelings as they come along, as unpleasant as they are.

 

That annoying 'gnat' is more like an annoying love. The one that won't go away because he doesn't know how to. And quite frankly, neither do I. I ignored his e-mails because I was in a relationship. But when my most current ex and I split, I wrote him back. And after thinking about everything, the basis of the e-mail was that I can't just be a platonic friend with him and if that's what he really wants I would force myself to fall out of love with him. Which is possible.

 

At the same time though, I don't want to. The fact that I have a strong emotional connection to someone (my ex fiance) makes me not want to lose it. I feel like if I lose that, then I would have nothing else. I don't mind being alone, but being alone and knowing that I have no strong emotional connection with anyone in my life really sucks.

 

I basically sent him and e-mail saying that there is no such thing about being platonic friends. It's either 'friends' who are trying to work towards something, or friends that have zero romantic feelings about eachother. I can force myself to fall out of love with him. He has taught me how to 'not care' about certain things, and I can apply that to this, if I have to. I'm just waiting for his response.

 

I do know, though, for a fact that I won't be able to have any sort of emotionally healthy relationship with anyone until this is figured out. It's been long enough to where I shouldn't still have these feelings towards him and the fact that I do only proves that there is something more there that I need to figure out.

[betterdeal]

I know that in order for me to move forward, I can't have these feelings. But I don't know what to do to stop them. I've tried everything. I didn't think it'd be possible for me to even care for another man enough to want to be in a relationship with him. But it happened. And i'm still thinking about my ex fiance. This is sad. I don't know what to do. And there isn't anything in particular that makes me think of him, it just happens.

 

Rather than trying to stop these sorts of feelings, I've recently started accepting them, letting myself have them, and whilst I feel extremely vulnerable whilst having them, I feel a sense of relief by having some quiet time to let them out.

 

What I have noticed is that when my subconscious comes to the surface with these feelings, I felt uncomfortable and had suppressed them, either by generating counter-feelings (anger), chemically (drink, dope), comfort eating, sleeping, or distraction (obsessing about weight, money, skin, or by flirting, seeking out someone to date).

 

It's taken time, and a decent period of no contact, to disconnect these feelings from the person I had associated them with. I realised that when I was hurt (say, had a cold, felt weak) I was referring to that person and associating the feelings with her.

 

This past week feels like I reached a milestone. I didn't use the coping mechanisms I've detailed above. It felt uncomfortable, almost overwhelming, but I let the feelings exist, come to the surface, be, and just took some quiet time on my own to let them be, to let my subconscious express them. No trying, no judging, just a little bit of observing and very few words. Having accepted I had those feelings, that they were as valid as any other feelings, I feel better now, as though my subconscious is satisfied that they have been registered, noticed, allowed and now largely let go of.

 

Everyone I know who's friends with an ex has separated their inner life from their ex. Most have spent a decent period apart in all ways and, by virtue of sharing the same social group, met again at some later date, when they had moved on. If you are to be friends, that's most likely how it will happen, rather than trying to be. It's hard to be vulnerable when the thing you associate with that vulnerability is still around, but it's by being vulnerable that we get those emotions out, process them, feel them and let go of them.

[Thatguyintx]

 

At the same time though, I don't want to. The fact that I have a strong emotional connection to someone (my ex fiance) makes me not want to lose it. I feel like if I lose that, then I would have nothing else. I don't mind being alone, but being alone and knowing that I have no strong emotional connection with anyone in my life really sucks.

 

I think we can all understand this. But it's not healthy. Being able to truly face being single is letting go. Your ex-fiancé is your emotional life preserver. You have to truly let it go to heal.

 

You are doing a much better job at feeling and articulating than I can. It is very admirable and inspiring. Keep it up!

[EricaH329]

You guys are great!! I appreciate the support! Some more news has happened today.

 

Apparently my most current ex played me very bad. There really isn't anything else to say about that. It sucks. Especially because I did really care about him.

 

I talked to my ex fiance today and I told him everything that I told you guys. That I really care about him and I can't just be friends with him. Even after a year (which is sad).

 

He told me that he wants to work on things and try to make our relationship work. I've heard this many times. I guess we will see. I'm still upset that my most current ex hurt me the way he did.