when you love and hate

[lost_and_lonely]

Hi its me again, I posted back in Jan when ex sent me in an emotional spiral downwards...and now its happenning again

 

I think I am a bit screwed up to be honest, I haven't really coped very well with separating from him. We had been together for 18 years and were a very close couple. He had an affair. We have been on and off after this, I forgave him but put a rule in that he would have NO contact with the OW. He has since broke this several times. Over the last year we have been living separately.

 

In my head I have sort of written off any chance right now of ever having a relationship with him again but the trouble is I still love him - but I hate what he is putting me through. I miss him so much, I can't bear the lonliness - I have absolutely no-one. Noone visits me and I am disabled so I cant get out much. But my head is also screaming out at me that he is hurting me emotionly too much and I need to get away from this.

 

Forward to the present - we have been getting on as friends, keeping things civil between us for our daugher, and some companionship. He has been there for me to help me out when I need it when noone else has because I dont really have anyone else to turn to for help. Day to day things were fine this way. We even had thoughts that things in the future could even start working out for us. But I recently find out (yes by snooping his voicemail on his phone - ok it was wrong but I dont trust him) and I find out that he has been very much in contact with this OW again. She pretty much phones him on a daily basis. I couldn't keep this in and confronted him and basically he tells me that we are just friends now and I have no business dictating who he is friends with. To a point that is true I suppose, but he doesn't understand that it isn't just anyone - this was the OW that caused me a lot of pain.

Now my position is, is that fine he can be friends with her - but I just cannot remain friends with him. It is simply hurting me too much that he still has feelings for her even though he tells me it is just friendship and she doesn't mean anything to him.

 

I have begged him to drop contact with her, at least until we divorce - then he can do what he wants. but while we are friends, he should stop contact with her. (because i would be unable to conduct a friendship with him I would be forever questioning what is being said to her all the time). For the sake of our friendship, if she doesn't mean that much to him, then would he please drop contact with her.

 

He refuses, says that he is helping her our emotionally and he cannot drop contact with her for now at least. I am left in an absolute mess again - I really miss his friendship but I am left with no choice now to give him as minimal contact possible which is going to be hard because of the childcare arrangements. I feel like I just haven't moved on at all in the years since the affair and the seperation. I am still in a mess and I am sick of it now. Why do I love and hate this man so much - why cant I move on? Am I wrong to request him drop his friendship with this OW? He says that all his friends say I cannot dictate like that - but I dont see it as dictating I just would be unable to offer him friendship knowing that he is still chatting daily to this OW. Am I right in thinking he doesn't really value my friendship enough - I think I need to walk away but I just cant bring myself to do it because he can also offer a little light and happiness as well at times, and I am not getting much of that at the moment.

 

I just cannot believe he is willing to drop our friendship (which would also include losing access to see his child on my days) over this woman whom he claims has a very limited friendship with - it just doesn't make sense to me. He says its all my doing, he wants to stay friends with me and I am the one escalating it like this - but he just cannot see that I cant survive like that - I would have to drop his friendship because the tie with OW is too much to bear. Am I going a bit crazy here?