Dealing with my decision

[worriedsick]

Ok, to make a long story short, I am married and love my husband, but not sure I am still in love with him. He is my best friend and I can't imagine my life without him, but don't really feel "romantic" towards him. Meanwhile, I have left myself fall in love (maybe) with a friend of mine. I realize that having that friend in my life will only further complicate my marriage, and since I am having a hard enough time with it, I have decided to cut the OM out of the picture. Now, this is where I am left - totally depressed. I spend most of my day thinking about the OM and am so hung up on him and miss him so much that I can barely eat or sleep. Meanwhile, my H has no clue what is going on. He tries to initiate intimacy, but it's all I can do to even have a conversation with him without crying, so the intimacy is pretty much a no-go. When it does happen, my heart isn't in it at all and I just want it to hurry up and end. He hasn't done anything to deserve how I am behaving, but I just can't seem to "act normally" with him. He knows something's wrong, but not what. The more I pull away, the harder he tries to make me happy, which makes me feel like even more of an ********* than I already do. I have tried doing the reconnection stuff like making special time for us, going on "dates", etc, and nothing has helped. I am left feeling like I am losing something very important to me, and even resent my H sometimes for it (even though again, he hasn't done anything wrong). Any insight??

[dng]

You know what?

 

This is exactly what I expect out of any relationship. People get complacent, they become blind to what they have - and what they have is what they WANTED - and they start dreaming about what could have been and then this happens.

 

You've dug a deep hole for yourself and now you can't get out.

 

I don't know what to advise.

[LoveTNT]

I have never been married. I am 27 years old, BUT my last relationship went a little bit like this. I met a good guy, but I had this other "friend". I chose to be with my ex, but I couldn't stop thinking about the other guy. Just like you did, I cried about it. I was sad and my ex really didn't have a clue. I remember being in bed with him and he had fallen asleep, while I was silently crying for the other guy. It was ridiculous.

I wasn't ready to be in a relationship. I did that to myself.

 

Anyhow, it will catch up to you. Even if you did/do feel like you have reasons for "taking your husband for granted" because that's what we pretty much have done. it's not right. Don't beat yourself up for it though, realize it and learn from it.

 

There's a big chance that if you keep neglecting your husband, it will flip on you, and then you'll be crying for him.

[No_hope]

Something like this happened to me, I was pregnant and my partner wasn't being supportive to me what's so ever, he always told me how much he loves me, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and I had this "friend" that friend always told me I could go move in with him, and he would help me take care of my kids, and I started talking to the "friend" more and more, and totally cut my partner out of my life, my partner did not know what was going on, and I really didn't feel bad about it either, I have no clue WHY I felt like this, but all of my friends told me that I would always say I hated him (pregnancy hormones? who know) He did steal money from me and call me a bitch, but I was losing feelings for him even before that happened. He started to become very unattractive to me, and even his nose would piss me off, I felt like he was smothering me every time we kissed. Well about 2 months before I gave birth I was like "I really need to work it out with this guy" so I cut all contact with the guy (we didn't DO anything, we just talked, a lot), I started focusing more on my partner, we went on walks and dinner, and just had a good time together, I FLIRTED with him, and he flirted with me back, and hugged me, and I got my attraction to him back, but it took time. I had to FIND good things about him, and then he just because very attracted to him again, even when he went through a bit of an ugly faze, he was still attractive to me.

 

anyways, come to find out he was cheating on me with a few girls towards the end of my pregnancy, and then basically for over a year cheated on me with a few girls, he left me and my kids for another girl. - karma huh?

 

so anyways you never really know how important your partner is to you until their gone. ANY relationship can be a GREAT relationship, it doesn't matter WHO is in it. Relationships are NOT all butterflies, and romance. Yes you will lose feelings for your partner from time to time. Sometimes will you down right hate them!

 

look at it like this - you only have one mom, and one dad. Did you love them all the time? chances are you probably didn't feel like it.

kids? I have kids, and I can tell you, they can get pretty annoying, but that doesn't mean I am going to leave them for another batch of kids.

 

that's what your PARTNER is! someone to spend the rest of your life with. Raise a family with, have fun with. You don't need to feel attracted to him 24/7! You just need to be able to tolerate him. Like seriously, there are tons of women who are in abusive relationships, and have ****ty partners, why would you want to give up a good man, that you get along with?

 

personally for me, I am probably never going to date again, because people just throw away relationships in the garbage because they are "bored".

stop being bored! go do something! Why don't you and your partner do fun things together like go hiking, camping, get involved with something you both believe in like animal rights, or saving the earth.

 

oh and some practices I have learned about being intimate... sometimes you need to build up to it through the day. Men can get it up in like 5 seconds, and woman are a bit harder to start up. You need to find something sexy about your partner and think about it ALL day! You need to be kinda perverted and think about sex for an entire day, and then go for it when you both are in bed. I know it sounds weird, but it works. And yes you will enjoy it because you had been thinking about it all day.

[timchambo]

Great advice all around girls. I can tell you from the other side, you will ruin so much if you allow yourself to keep falling for this other guy. Stay no contact with him like you would if your hubby left you. I have to imagine eventually those feelings for the other guy will fade. My ex left me after over 7 years. We had trust as good as it could get. I treated her very very well. I knew what we had was special, and she did too at one point. Something must have turned her off for a bit and someone else swooped in and took her heart. 3 months later now, and she is not happy. But how could I allow her back? I wont, and your hubby shouldn't either if you choose to leave. Don't destroy this, it will be gone FOREVER. Eventually this new relationship would lead to the same place. A bit of complacency. If this other guy knows you're married, what does that say about his character anyways?