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Update NC one year later...


dollface07

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You need NC to heal. Especially if you have any sort of complex grief...which, I imagine, many of us on here do have...I think some of us come on this site because we are having a disproportionate emotional response to a loss of a significant other be it a partner/bf/gf/fiancé(e)/friend etc. I think the reason we have a hard time letting go is because of an early trauma either a loss of a parent or some other traumatic incident that made losses so devastating.

 

all you can do is acknowledge your predisposition to being ultra-sensative and negatively affected by loss and adjust yourself accordingly to respond to your unique character traits in order to make the unbearable pain no longer toxic and instead tolerable.

 

one of the BIGGEST steps to make the loss tolerable as paradoxical as it may seem is NC.

 

With NC I was able to go through chronic episodes of complex grief...i made many mistakes by harming myself with alcohol and too much food :( but thankfully NC was able to allow me to not make a bad situation into a worse one by providing me the space i needed to keep my dignity.

 

Just as an non-alcoholic cant relate to an alcoholic as to why s/he cant stop after just a couple of drinks...in a lot of these coping scenarios I read on here it appears our ex's were never able to relate to our disproportionate sense of loss and thus couldnt relate...again maybe our ex's also had emotional problems but one thing for certain is they were not emotionally connected/attached to us enough to want to continue a relationship any further EVEN if you are the one that broke up with them and suffered much pain as a result sometimes your hand is forced to break up due to a cowardly partner emotionally withdrawing and passively aggressively wanting us to do the dirty work of breaking it off...sigh

 

So one year later after breaking up with my first real boyfriend (we were off and on for 2 years during graduate school) this is what i've done and where i am now:

 

first i was in total denial and shock and fell into a deep depression for 3 and a half months...

 

next i got revenge exactly one year ago...immature but i was in so much emotional pain and didnt have the appropriate coping mechanisms/social support system to help me not project it all onto him...i grew so much from my cruelty and learned how to forgive others and myself...i vowed never to become so inhumane ever again

 

seeking revenge 6 months after we broke up was my closure :( my heart was not at peace until i saw with my own eyes his deep emotional suffering commensurate to my own as i held him responsible for misleading me and breaking my heart...but i was too innocent to understand manipulative individuals especially when you exhibit unconditional love toward them...it's cliche i know but i really learned so much about boundary setting in all forms and not only related to romantic interactions even with friends i was able to see the true friends vs the fair weather ones and i also weeded them all out accordingly...

 

he contacted me last in Fall 2010 and i broke NC just to tell him not to worry about anything anymore and i experienced emotional healing through forgivness...

 

in late dec 2010 i had a very personal spiritual experience and began believing in God again after 10 years of being agnostic and more peace entered my life.

 

3 months into the new year and one year after beginning NC the pain is bearable. i am able to go out on dates without thinking/comparing or even considering my ex. however, i still have intimacy issues to work on as i maintain only superficial interactions and abruptly end any interaction that becomes even the slightest bit physical/emotional i am still not ready not because i miss my ex but b/c i feel fear of vulnerability to any emotional pain due to the traumatic complex grief that i've been working through in both weekly counseling sessions that i began in October 2010 and Dialectical behavior therapy...dont feel a stigma if you are suffering from complex grief due to prior losses (my father died in my arms and then my uncle died within a week apart from each other when i was only 19 or 20 years old) you dont need to self medicate with alcohol as i tried to do...the issues are just still there to face when you become sober once again...either way dont feel ashamed to need therapy where there's a will there's a way if you dont have insurance just look into local community based mental health clinics i realize that the health system is fragmented in USA but use that to your advantage to be innovate to find help so you can have the tools and important skills to have

 

1) interpersonal effectiveness

2) distress tolerance

 

sorting out these two things will change you life...i promise.

 

finally, one year later it makes me have a tinge of sadness to have to admit that i know im not yet in this perfect state of emotional health because it takes so much work but here is where i am now:

 

1) i stopped ALL alcohol and attend both AA and a drug/alcohol support group

2) i stopped smoking

3) after gaining some weight from ceasing smoking and drinking i've now lost almost 10 pounds

4) i have forgiven myself for past mistakes and pain i inflicted on my ex for breaking my heart

5) i have reflected in NC on how i set myself up for the inevitable breakup and have these lessons to take with me for the rest of my life

6) i have re-calibrated my stress tolerance threshold and no longer sweat the small stuff, I pick my battles carefully and know where to expend my emotional energy...on bettering myself physically, emotionally and professionally/academically

7) i have the ability to focus without intrusive thoughts about the former traumatic break up experience

8) i have the emotional strength to write all of this to you right now maybe even 5 months ago this wouldnt have been possible...

 

be patient maintain your dignity and hold on to NC. after a year you wont even care to see your ex's face anymore let alone have any sort of conversation with them. you wont care who they are with or not with what they are doing nothing after a year if you do have this sort of concern it will be fleeting and you wont dwell on it as you do when it's so fresh.

 

the cycle of being destructive either to yourself or outwardly in the event you seek emotional revenge on you ex is unique to each individual...only you can allow yourself closure by NC you are able to formulate not only what closure means to you but how you will achieve it...try hard to resist the temptation to speed up karma or force closure...i promise this is counter-productive...remember the golden rule and always keep hope that tomorrow will be better

 

with love,

dollface

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