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Why do I do this to myself?


TryTryAgain

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TryTryAgain

I write these emails to my ex that I never send. We have been on-again / off-again over the course of a year and a half. Most recently we've been off-again since the end of January and NC for about a month and half. I have never begged, pleaded, cried, etc. I have sucked it up each time and she always finds her way back. I just spent the last two hours writing the note below and I have no intention of sending it. Probably mostly because I'm afraid of her response. I just thought I would share it since it really isn't doing me any good deleting it like I always do.

 

For the record, we're on a "break" that I suggested, but it's pretty clear that she's done. I want to be able to say all the things in the note below and really mean it and not be afraid of any consequences. Of course I'd like the opportunity to say all these things to her in person, but what would that get me?...Nothing.

 

 

Hi xxxxx.

 

You know, I really wished things would have worked out differently. I hope you understand that the whole weekend at xxxx completely blind-sided me. I think you put me in a pretty awful position. You avoided me like the plague from the moment I walked in the door. When I tried to leave Friday night with some of my dignity intact, you goaded me into staying only to continue the onslaught of passive aggressive behavior the very next day. Sure, you were stressed about our relationship, but you shut me out like it was over then and there. I felt like I was being punished for simply being in your presence. And earlier in the week you were worried about how your best friend might behave?! It doesn’t add up, xxxx. It’s almost like your intent was to sabotage the whole weekend…But enough about that. I just wanted you to know that I didn’t take any of that weekend lightly. You let me down again and it hurt, plain and simple.

 

If I know you well enough then I’m pretty sure you’re over “us” by now. I tried reaching out on Valentine’s Day and of course I didn’t even get an acknowledgement from you, so I would guess my gift was not well-received. Most people would have said, “Eff her. She doesn’t deserve anything!”, but I’m not most people. Deep down I thought you cared for me in a similar way, at least that’s what my heart was telling me. Regardless, if you did not have the same feelings as me, it is rude to ignore a gesture like that (just for future reference).

 

I know there is no hope for us after the way you approached our most recent reconciliation, but I wanted to write you to get some things out that I should have told you long ago. Take is as tough love if you will, but please listen….You need to change your behavior or you’re going to continue to jump in and out of relationships your whole life and never find fulfillment. You’re the only person I have ever had an on-again / off-again relationship with, and by the sounds of it you have done this with other ex-boyfriends in the past. You bail at the first indication of conflict and then come back later hoping for reconciliation. Instead of putting some positive energy towards the relationship, you get yourself all knotted up with a big ball of resentment towards the significant other and then you break up seemingly out of nowhere. Sure, poor communication happens in relationships. But it is not normal to bail and then come back numerous times. I need to remind you that last year you told me there was never going to be another chance for us. You said very hurtful things like, “You have no backbone” and “I feel like I’m the man in the relationship.” And then not even a year later you’re telling me about your new-found appreciation of how wonderful of a man I am and how you didn’t realize how good you had it until it was gone. It obviously didn’t work for us, but there will be other great men who come into your life. It’s bound to happen. You attracted me, and I know I’m one of the best catches out there. But when that man comes along, embrace him for everything he is, including his faults. I do know for a fact that most people aren’t as patient and understanding as I am, so don’t be surprised if someone doesn’t take as kindly to your yo-yo-esque behavior. But please also be cognizant of the other person’s feelings. You even said you knew better than to reach out to me and you should have probably left me alone, but in the end it was obvious that your own feelings trumped mine. I have always been emotionally available to you, yet you’re only emotionally available to me when you want to be or need something. This persistent acceptance followed by rejection takes its toll. It’s a blow to one’s self-esteem and leaves nothing but confusion, anger, sadness, resentment, not to mention false hope.

 

These last two months have not been easy. I’m still coming to grips with the fact that it’s over between us. I truly meant what I said that I didn’t want to lose you out of my life. It’s tough because I do accept you for everything you are including your faults, but I cannot put any more effort into a relationship which history proves will not work. I can only wish you the best in life and I hope you find true happiness. Thank you at least for the good memories.

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I recently sent a goodbye email to the ex and one thing I would suggest is keep things simple. There's a whole wall of text there and even though you think it's all relevant and needs saying, the last thing you want is for her to think "I'm not reading all that" or get so bogged down by how much info that she misses the point of the letter.

 

Work out what it is exactly that you want to say, and say it. Often, less is more.

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Ya know, the less I send in writing the better I feel. In the past when I've sent email I always have this habit of going back and re-reading it. Over and over and over. This goes the same for text messages. I analyze them to death and it gets me nowhere. In fact, it drives me absolutely bananas.

 

I've decided to keep anything "from the heart" to strictly phone conversations (if possible as it always isn't). Text messages and emails have become purely informational for me (for people like exes anyway).

 

It helps. You tend to say too much in an email because you have a blank slate in front of you and you're not getting any feedback as you write. You're essentially talking to yourself. That's not always a good thing. The same ideas and feelings bouncing off the insides of your head. This often leads to overly dramatic expression. It's overkill.

 

I feel your pain, though. I love to write. I just need to reign myself in sometimes. If I make a mistake in an email, not only do I find myself reading and re-reading it but I'm assuming it'll be something that SHE will also go over again and again. I only see bad things coming from this - so I avoid it.

 

Just my take.

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TryTryAgain
I find myself reading and re-reading it but I'm assuming it'll be something that SHE will also go over again and again. I only see bad things coming from this - so I avoid it.

 

Thanks for your input. That is precisely why I don't ever send anything to her.

 

It sucks because we left things so open-ended this last time. I feel it should be up to one of us to reach out. I initiated the "break," thus logic tells me I should re-initiate contact. I reached out twice in the first two weeks, but didn't get a response. NC since then. I have been thinking about calling her just to catch up and see where that leads. It's quite a complicated situation becasue we really weren't officially together when this reconciliation went south. It's probably all a lost cause, but dammit I still love her and I can't get her out of my mind.

 

Thanks for taking the time reading my post. I truly appreciate it.

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Okay, a few things.

 

1 - i think things always have a chance unless it's 100% obvious.

 

2 - You need to let her miss you. You sending emails and such only reaffirms that she has you if she wants you. At this point it doesn't matter WHAT you say. All she's hearing is "blah blah blah blah blah" and then saying to herself "Why is he still annoying me?". This is what confidence gets you. You've given all of yours away and each time you contact her you're making her feel like she's above you. You have to step away. You have to let go.

 

3 - You'll know if she misses you. She'll let you know one way or the other. You've reached out already. Time to back off. Time to stop bolstering her ego. You won't miss a chance. If you initiated the break then I get why you tried reaching out. But you already did and now back off.

 

4 - if you love her, let it go for now. You can revisit it later. I can't tell you how many times I was able to revisit relationships from the past. If it's meant to be, well, it will be. And I'm sure you'll be receptive to any advances she makes.

 

Take care of yourself for now. You contacting her is doing neither of you any good.

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Thanks again for your response.

 

I reached out within the first two weeks after initiating the break, once with a text wishing her happy birthday, and once with flowers for Valentine's Day. She knows how I feel. I don't think I lost face with her at all with either gesture, but she may have been put off by the notion that I would even want to send her a gift after the way she treated me. Last year she made a comment that I have "no backbone." She later retracted that comment when I called her out on it during our last reconciliation. I know this is what turns her off about me. Like in this instance she treated me like garbage and it's almost like I rewarded her behavior with flowers. But who am I kidding? It was a kind gesture to someone I care for. If she can't take it for what it is, then that is her problem.

 

I do love her, and that is why I know I have to let it go. And thanks for reminding me I already reached out. I guess in my mind I've been disregarding those two attempts since they happened before I went strict NC.

 

You are very wise, 1784. Thanks for your insights.

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