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Said goodbye and feel worse


smudge21

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After months of trying to remain friends due to work, I finally had enough and deleted her from Facebook. She texted asking why and I sent the big final goodbye email. The one telling her all I wanted to tell her (most of which she already knew) about how I felt and how I couldn't be her friend as I still loved her.

 

We chatted for a bit afterwards, with her clearly not wanting to lose contact with me, but it changed nothing. She finally said she would leave me alone so as not to make it any harder for me, I replied with it's already the hardest thing I've ever done.

 

Now the problem - I feel worse now since last week then I have for a long time. Even though she's now totally gone from my life, I find myself thinking about the past even more. I'm constantly doing that thing of saying 'should'. I should've said this or done that. Up until sending that email we were on little contact, only the occasional text and I still saw her updates/pictures on FB, but I didn't feel as bad as I do now.

 

I really thought I would feel a lot better than this, or at least equal to how I did, but I feel twice as bad. I just keep hoping she'll get in touch (to say what I don't know). This is not the outcome I was expecting that's for sure...

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silvermane187

Of course you're going to feel like ****. It's like breaking up all over again, except this time it's final. You just have to roll with the punches. Believe me it gets a little bit better. With NC you'll start taking two steps forward and one step backwards as the weeks/months roll by. As opposed to taking one step forward and two step backwards when you were trying to be friends.

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Thanks for that, very nicely put. I guess with the email and the final chat it was so very final, whereas before I was just clinging on to hope with the whole staying friends bit.

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silvermane187

Yea I know what you mean. It hit me really hard when I finally realized that being friends was not a realistic possibility. I took me about 4 months of very limited contact before I gave up the hope of getting her back and/or ever becoming friends. I would probably be a lot further along if I had given up that hope from the beginning. It's just human nature I guess.

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Smudge21, I think this is really the hardest part, you're in the acceptance stage and that's the part of grieving which lets go of hope, but of course it's also the final stage of the recovery process. Without wanting to sound too corny, the darkest moment is always right before the dawn and you have to just get back on the NC wagon now and tough it out. Come back in a month - I bet you'll be feeling a lot better. Hang on in there, we've all been through it and you can get through this. :)

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Thanks both of you. I know I've done the right thing in finally saying goodbye... but it's that finality of it all that really is hitting home now.

 

We'll catch up in a month :)

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LOL come back sooner if you want - I meant metaphorically speaking!! Let NC work it's magic though. I finally went NC properly 1 March and it feels so great to be hitting a month now. Have made huge strides in the past four weeks. :)

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Really happy for you Rose. I honestly did think me and the ex could get back to being friends (that's how we started), but every now and then, I'd hit a wall where I'd realise I still loved her.

 

That's the worse thing, as I've not only lost the girl I love, but also someone I really got along well with as a friend.

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silvermane187

Yea man that was one of the hardest parts for me too. My ex was easily the best friend I ever had during the 3 years we were together. Even though we practically came from different worlds we had a such a deep connection that it was hard getting used to not talking to her everyday. The few times I broke NC in a friendly way I would feel so good for a little bit until it wore off and I'd be worse off than before. It sucks feeling powerless but when they make up their mind there is nothing else you can do except try to accept it and move on.

 

Anyway I'm off of work and off to the gym. Start going if you don't already! /game face

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Much appreciated. Amazing how one of the greatest feelings in the world can so easily lead to one of the worse.

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After months of trying to remain friends due to work, I finally had enough and deleted her from Facebook. She texted asking why and I sent the big final goodbye email. The one telling her all I wanted to tell her (most of which she already knew) about how I felt and how I couldn't be her friend as I still loved her.

 

We chatted for a bit afterwards, with her clearly not wanting to lose contact with me, but it changed nothing. She finally said she would leave me alone so as not to make it any harder for me, I replied with it's already the hardest thing I've ever done.

 

Now the problem - I feel worse now since last week then I have for a long time. Even though she's now totally gone from my life, I find myself thinking about the past even more. I'm constantly doing that thing of saying 'should'. I should've said this or done that. Up until sending that email we were on little contact, only the occasional text and I still saw her updates/pictures on FB, but I didn't feel as bad as I do now.

 

I really thought I would feel a lot better than this, or at least equal to how I did, but I feel twice as bad. I just keep hoping she'll get in touch (to say what I don't know). This is not the outcome I was expecting that's for sure...

 

Feeling worst is normal....doing the right thing doesn't always bring immediate relief.

 

When I deleted my ex from Facebook....I felt really bad for a few days and guilty! I kept thinking "Oh my gosh...did I over react?" "Did I push him away forever?" "Maybe I should add him back?" :rolleyes: All these irrational thoughts that truly are your brain/hearts way of effin with you! But the truth is...it is something necessary and if at some point you guys are meant to be friends, then it will occur naturally without a struggle but you have to cut the person loose dramatically sometimes to move on.

 

So don't feel bad that you feel bad. That is all a part of the progress and GUARANTEED in a few weeks/months it will become evident that you're on the right track and the irrational thoughts will subside. You just have to fight through it and remind yourself of the rational truth until it sinks in.

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Yeah, I honestly do feel like it was the best move. Facebook was just keeping me as part of her life and it started hurting more and more each week. The goodbye email was something I always wanted to do in the past to another ex a long time ago but never did. It was a chance to get my feelings off my chest and really be honest, but not in a begging for them back way, just in a final it's been nice, wish it had have been better, but goodbye way... if you get my meaning. With my recent ex I finally did it and now I can at least feel good that she does at least know how I felt about her. I hold no grudges over the way it ended, it just didn't work out. I like to think that although she's not crying over the fact I'm gone, she's at least happy that I was there.

 

Oh and when I saw the name Beeotch come up I did think she'd signed up as that was one of her favourite words, lol. Heart skipped a beat for a second or two!

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Dear smudge,

I just wanted to say that you did the right thing by deleting her. Without this clouding your life, you can finally have a clear road ahead to move on. Just the presence of her would drag you back to the past everytime. Personally I feel if a rel. is over, there's no reason to stick around if one person is still in love with the other. It's just harboring false hope. I am glad you got to write the goodbye note as you didn't get to write it to your previous ex. I too wanted to write a good bye note but my ex was such an a$shole towards the end that I wrote him a F. U. letter instead. It is amazing how someone you were once soo close to can suddenly mean jack in the end. Good luck and the only way to stay strong is to stick to NC. You will find that as the days pass it will get easier. The first few days and weeks are always the hardest.

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Thanks for that Mary. Yeah, sending that email felt good at the time, and I guess it was what I wanted/needed to do. Luckily our final chats were very sweet, as it's clear both of us didn't want to part company totally, but I felt I couldn't stay in contact. So sad when these things happen, but coming here and realising you're not alone does help a lot.

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Hi Smudge21,

 

I'm going through the same ordeal right now with my x. Take a look at my recent post. I tried the friends thing with her for over 5 months. We still enjoyed doing things together and talking hikes, enjoying the beautiful days. It was a little complicated at she confused me at points because we would still kiss here and there and sometimes hold hands briefly so I was holding on to some hope that we would get back together. Well, after 5 months of waiting, it hasn't happened so I cut her out. It was REALLY hard to do it. I felt ok for the first week but I gave in and sent her an email just saying hello and that I thought about her today. Now I feel like I have to start all over again. If I don't stay busy it creeps up on me and I want to contact her.

 

Its the toughest thing to be friends and lovers one day and not talking to eachother the next.

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Sorry to hear that man. Know how you feel so you're not alone. I think that's the worse thing about going from a good friend to someone you love, when things go wrong, you lose both.

 

Me and the ex got along so well that everyone keeps saying that eventually, well all these feelings are gone, we should definitely get back in touch, only as long as we can keep it friendly this time.

 

Part of me does regret taking it further with her, as things were so easy back then. But I guess you can never plan these things...

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