Dealing with brother's suicide, coping, and new medication.

[horizzon]

So i guess to start off my brother took his life June 2nd 2010. My ex and i got together in December 7th 2009. I have had countless restraining orders against my mom, my dad was never there. And my siblings are about 15 years older than i. My brother raised me, he was only 4 years older. I couldn't have friends as a kid because my mom was a raging alocholic drug addict. So he was everything to me. I blame myself for his death because a few days before he took his life he said if i left he would kill himself. That i was his only friend. He sent me a text before he did it. I was the last he contacted.

So a HUGE dependancy was created on my ex. And he wanted that, he embraced it. And it got me through a huge black hole in my life. He became my everything and stepped into my brother's shoes. I have only had 2 good friends because of a bad past. As you can infer... So he was my 3rd and only best friend. We spent every waking moment together. He literally was a part of me.

 

Now to the break up-

In the beginning because it was long distance we agreed to an open relationship. He never got with anyone, but i did. Although i lied about it.

WHICH I KNOW WAS HORRIBLE. We broke up and later when i tried calling to mend things i told him this. After he said he wasn't in love with me anymore and had a date. (This is caused because he thought i had already moved on and my feelings weren't true). So he wouldn't speak to me for about a month. Finally my best friend hung out with him....

His life has gone down the drain. When we dated i pulled him out of being a drug addict and alcoholic. I don't know if he is into drugs again, but my friend said when she hung out with him he got VERY sloppy drunk. He wouldn't stop talking about being drunk, getting drunk, how bad he wanted to get drunk. He also said to her oh i need to go get my kinda girlfriend (whom i know). And she was like wtf...? The gf came over and my friend said she was just btching and btching about wanting to drink (she is 18/19 he is 21) and saying 'i cleaned your kitchen your bathroom and your house and i just want a bottle.) So even though he owes me 1500. He bought her a bottle.

Now back to the life down the drain. He quit his job, even though he NEEDED that since i supported him for 6 months. He buys beer with money he doesn't have. He drinks every day. And apparently is moving to San Fran cause he has a job.

When my friend approached him about him paying me back he was like ah whatever. And she said she never cheated on you, you agreed to an open relationship. I can't remember if she said he was drinking by that point but just said no f her she f'ing cheated on me i don't f'ing care. And she tried to talk to him about it but he just said no you're going to tell her.

 

Once he started to get sloppy drunk he told my friend that the girl he is kinda seeing was just a convenience. (WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?). She was just always around. That he isn't to sure about her. (she is moving to college this fall too) My friend said 'he has been hooking up with her and others kinda but not really?'

 

So worried about my money and upset. But i acted cool and suave. I texted him saying i need it back, and if not ill take him to small claims. He got into the cheating thing and i tried to explain it to him. He just he i don't care anymore i have my own problems. Everything was a lie. And just kept going and going. (he said in the past that no matter what he said, he would always care)

 

In the past he told me i was the only one to drag him out of his black hole. He said if i was gone he would just plunge into alcoholism and drugs. Which he has with alcohol but most likely drugs as well. I'm worried down the road he will contact me since in the texts he said he wanted to be 'cool' and friends. Before when my friend and him hung out he un blocked me from facebook. Still deleted, but un blocked. Like i said, i feel like he is going to reach out to me once he moves and is alone. Once his life isn't that great since i LITERALLY built him up.

 

oh and btw when they hung out getting lunch he was saying 'I'm kind of a slut now, well actually more of a whore' he said so himself that she would just run and tell me. I don't understand why he went out of his way to say this.

 

Will he reach out when his life hits rock bottom...? Would you as well? I'm scared i'll go back. I recently just got on depression medication.

 

Oh and turns out he lied about the girl. I just though to add this in the end would be the best. She flirts with him but i guess cheated on him and had sex with another guy while she was drunk. His friend said he could tell he has been having a hard time with the break up. He said that he doesn't even think that they have kissed. She just isn't into him like that apparently. He also said that my ex has been trying to get with others but hasn't had any success. So the slut part was a lie as well. He always told me that the way to get over someone is to begin something with someone else. So i know he is trying to move on by doing it. THE ISSUE IS NOT HIM PAYING ME BACK BY THE WAY.

 

But now to the medication. Because of loosing him, i feel like i have lost my brother. It has been 2 months since the break and we haven't spoken really since. I have been rejected by him so much that i cannot find the will to reach out and contact him. Spiraling into that deep depression i have been recently put on prozak...

Edited March 28, 2011 by horizzon

[DarkAngel7]

It sounds like you both had major things to deal with, and never did. When the newness of the relationship faded, your individual issues started to show more. Your childhood sounds like it was really rough. You shared a really close but dependent bond with your brother, and he took his life. That is some really deep stuff honey. Although your bf helped you get through it I don't think you really came to terms/accepted everything. You may benefit from seeing a counselor.

 

As far as your bf, well as you said he is an alcoholic. I don't know much about his background but he obviously had a tough life himself. You will see when he moves. He will have the choice to either pull himself up, or fall. You say you feel rejected so I take it he didn't respond to your calls/texts. In that case all you can do is work on yourself and pray for him to get better. In this case I feel there is a chance of reconciliation because the reason of break up is a misunderstanding. Over time he may come to realize that you didn't do anything wrong. For one second though look at it from his perspective. It was open, but he chose not to go with anyone else. Probably because he didn't feel the need to because was so into you. To find out later that you did take that opportunity would hurt anyone in his shoes. Only time will tell, just stay strong.

[horizzon]

It sounds like you both had major things to deal with, and never did. When the newness of the relationship faded, your individual issues started to show more. Your childhood sounds like it was really rough. You shared a really close but dependent bond with your brother, and he took his life. That is some really deep stuff honey. Although your bf helped you get through it I don't think you really came to terms/accepted everything. You may benefit from seeing a counselor.

 

As far as your bf, well as you said he is an alcoholic. I don't know much about his background but he obviously had a tough life himself. You will see when he moves. He will have the choice to either pull himself up, or fall. You say you feel rejected so I take it he didn't respond to your calls/texts. In that case all you can do is work on yourself and pray for him to get better. In this case I feel there is a chance of reconciliation because the reason of break up is a misunderstanding. Over time he may come to realize that you didn't do anything wrong. For one second though look at it from his perspective. It was open, but he chose not to go with anyone else. Probably because he didn't feel the need to because was so into you. To find out later that you did take that opportunity would hurt anyone in his shoes. Only time will tell, just stay strong.

I am hoping that with the prozak, since it has been little over a week that i have been on it. That it will help, which it has. But the dependency is still there. You are right in that he did indeed have a rough past. What with an abusive father and his own years of drug use. He claimed i was the only one to drag him out of his ways. He still talks to one of my closest friends, but to my knowledge he has never brought me up. When we were together he never really texted them. Although now he is.

[bboy]

This doesn't sound too pretty, reading your story.

 

First, I'd like to point out that open relationships are rarely really open. It just ends up with one hurting the other. Especially if you're young. I don't know what experience you've pulled form this, but I suggest you don't go into another "deal" like that anymore.

 

When it comes to your relationship - it sounds like you two got into sort of a mess. Before trying to sort out the relationship (doesn't seem doable right now), I suggest you spend a little time on focusing on yourself. Forget about the money, who-said-what and that sort of ping-pong matches. It's not going to benefit you at all (you probably know this already). Get your feet on solid ground, figure out where you are in life and where to head for the coming years.

 

I suggest you don't do any high school drama out of this. Don't focus on revenge or make plans around him. Months from now on, you'll probably want to know that you can pick up the phone if you want to and know you didn't behave like an idiot the last time you two spoke. That's not something you want in your "resume".

 

I'm sorry to hear that life has treated you harshly.

[horizzon]

This doesn't sound too pretty, reading your story.

 

First, I'd like to point out that open relationships are rarely really open. It just ends up with one hurting the other. Especially if you're young. I don't know what experience you've pulled form this, but I suggest you don't go into another "deal" like that anymore.

 

When it comes to your relationship - it sounds like you two got into sort of a mess. Before trying to sort out the relationship (doesn't seem doable right now), I suggest you spend a little time on focusing on yourself. Forget about the money, who-said-what and that sort of ping-pong matches. It's not going to benefit you at all (you probably know this already). Get your feet on solid ground, figure out where you are in life and where to head for the coming years.

 

I suggest you don't do any high school drama out of this. Don't focus on revenge or make plans around him. Months from now on, you'll probably want to know that you can pick up the phone if you want to and know you didn't behave like an idiot the last time you two spoke. That's not something you want in your "resume".

 

I'm sorry to hear that life has treated you harshly.

I'm trying to not make a mountain out of a mole hill about who said what. But i will admit that for the next 38 days starting this Saturday i will be completely alone. My family is leaving town, and it is my first time alone without my ex since my brother's death. How to manage without breaking down mentally is the million dollar question. I can only keep myself busy for so long.

[whichwayisup]

I am sorry for the loss of your brother. Hugs..

 

You've had a rough life.. Not easy and you've been through alot.

 

Have you thought about doing counseling? Meds can help, but talk therapy combo with meds is better. Also do some group counselling, to have others to talk to, help you too.

 

It's scary to be on your own and be alone, but I believe you're a strong person, stronger than you realize! It'll be hard but you'll come out of this just fine.

[horizzon]

I am sorry for the loss of your brother. Hugs..

 

You've had a rough life.. Not easy and you've been through alot.

 

Have you thought about doing counseling? Meds can help, but talk therapy combo with meds is better. Also do some group counselling, to have others to talk to, help you too.

 

It's scary to be on your own and be alone, but I believe you're a strong person, stronger than you realize! It'll be hard but you'll come out of this just fine.

I've done a lot of counseling growing up. Never liked it. Just left a bad taste in my mouth.

But i am considering a support group.

[horizzon]

-sigh-

It has been a month and a half of no contact.

 

I wish i could get rid of these down days. It's hard to not go under a friend's profile on facebook and see how he is doing. :/